crushed66 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 After not seeing my ex for 7 weeks, i ran into her at the gas station. She said she saw my car and decided to stop by. When she got out of the car she said, "I'm not sure if I should say hi or not." I said do whatever you want. We hugged. She was the first one to let go. She was starting to get teary eyed. She mentioned that she thinks about me. I said, " Good or bad things." She didnt comment. She then mentioned that we should walked her dog sometimes. She then starts asking me if I was going out on a date. I said no. She keeps asking me the same question over and over, but my read on that was she was just curious not jealous. Ok. So tonight out of nowhere, or I guess weakness. I texted her, "I dont know if you remember, but today was the first day we met eight years ago. good night." After crying for 4 weeks straight (wtf), I've stopped the last couple of weeks. But today I've lost it (not 100%, but like 75%). How do I back to how I was last week or even improve on it? I just wish she was never part of my memory. footnotes: we were together for 7yrs and 11 months. i was the dumpee. she is dating/ or with someone. she aimed twice and i answered each time. she called me once, i didnt answer.
carhill Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 What are you looking for here? Healing? IMO, it won't happen with contact. You had a long relationship, as long as some marriages these days. I'd take at least six months of complete NC and then risk a "test". What you did here essentially was to reset the clock of healing. I'll be honest. She still wants the best of what you had to offer her without the rest of what you had to offer her, and she doesn't really want to give anything in return (witness "dating someone else"). Is that really fair or loving or even friendly? See her for who she is. Accept that. I call it an ego feed. It may not be puposeful but it surely isn't healthy for you.
Sysyphus28 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 What are you looking for here? Healing? IMO, it won't happen with contact. You had a long relationship, as long as some marriages these days. I'd take at least six months of complete NC and then risk a "test". What you did here essentially was to reset the clock of healing. I'll be honest. She still wants the best of what you had to offer her without the rest of what you had to offer her, and she doesn't really want to give anything in return (witness "dating someone else"). Is that really fair or loving or even friendly? See her for who she is. Accept that. I call it an ego feed. It may not be puposeful but it surely isn't healthy for you. Solid advice carhill. Solid. I like the term ego feed.........you seem to really have a clear view of the coping/healing process, and yuo seem to understand the nature of the dumper pretty well. It is a emotionally crippling experience being forced to let go of your security system and your lover, it is not what we wanted, but it is what had to happen. Letting go is really hard for many people. Some people can just turn it off.............. We can't give the dumper the satisfaction or knowledge that we are in pain or it has been so hard. That is our road, and our challenge, and our way to become stronger......... NC is the only way to accomplish this. She does not get to have my personality or presence in her life anymore because she dumped me.
carhill Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 IMO, the more emotionally and spiritually aware and engaged someone is, the harder and more lengthly the letting-go process is. In that regard, it really doesn't matter who is "dumper" or "dumpee". The process is still the same, though the outward message can appear markedly different. IMO, there are some people who "think" love and commitment, rather than "feel" those things. Those are the most at risk for "turning it off". Be very wary of someone who gives little indication of feeling things deeply (I mean in general rather than just in matters of interpersonal love) if you are one who does. It's an incompatibility that is likely unresolvable IME.
Jake C Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 IMO, the more emotionally and spiritually aware and engaged someone is, the harder and more lengthly the letting-go process is. In that regard, it really doesn't matter who is "dumper" or "dumpee". The process is still the same, though the outward message can appear markedly different. IMO, there are some people who "think" love and commitment, rather than "feel" those things. Those are the most at risk for "turning it off". Be very wary of someone who gives little indication of feeling things deeply (I mean in general rather than just in matters of interpersonal love) if you are one who does. It's an incompatibility that is likely unresolvable IME. I think you're absolutely right. I'm of the belief that my girl "thought" she felt deep feelings of love and passion, but didn't actually "feel" those things as I did. It was intense and I'm sure she felt some things but I think you're correct, that some people think they're in love but don't really feel that emotion. And it definitely makes it easier for them to disconnect, and it's probably why it's easier or why they feel it's possible to be or remain friends after the breakup, because that's all it really truly was to them. Or that's all they really actually felt, was more of a friendship. The difficulty in this is determining if someones feelings are heart felt or if they're just thoughts. The love and passion was so intense with me and my ex that you couldn't help but believe it was real. I guess if it seems to good to be true it probably is. Gotta watch out for posers!!
Yamaha Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I'll be honest. She still wants the best of what you had to offer her without the rest of what you had to offer her, and she doesn't really want to give anything in return (witness "dating someone else"). Is that really fair or loving or even friendly? See her for who she is. Accept that. I call it an ego feed. It may not be puposeful but it surely isn't healthy for you. Amen, Bro. Can you say selfish as well?!!!!
Jake C Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 After not seeing my ex for 7 weeks, i ran into her at the gas station. She said she saw my car and decided to stop by. When she got out of the car she said, "I'm not sure if I should say hi or not." I said do whatever you want. We hugged. She was the first one to let go. She was starting to get teary eyed. She mentioned that she thinks about me. I said, " Good or bad things." She didnt comment. She then mentioned that we should walked her dog sometimes. She then starts asking me if I was going out on a date. I said no. She keeps asking me the same question over and over, but my read on that was she was just curious not jealous. Ok. So tonight out of nowhere, or I guess weakness. I texted her, "I dont know if you remember, but today was the first day we met eight years ago. good night." After crying for 4 weeks straight (wtf), I've stopped the last couple of weeks. But today I've lost it (not 100%, but like 75%). How do I back to how I was last week or even improve on it? I just wish she was never part of my memory. footnotes: we were together for 7yrs and 11 months. i was the dumpee. she is dating/ or with someone. she aimed twice and i answered each time. she called me once, i didnt answer. I'm sorry about your situation crushed. After 8 years I would be too. Sounds like you're in alot of pain and I totally understand. Hang in there it will get easier, I know it doesn't seem like it but it will. One thing I've always held onto for at least a sliver of relief when I'm down, is that some day it will be gone. Maybe next week, next month, maybe not till next year, might take years, but it WILL go away....someday, and know that that day will come. I know it probably doesn't give you much comfort and I feel for ya, it sucks. My advice is pretty much the same, I guess I would go no contact. If she's with someone else there's not much you can do. I'm finding no contact to be really the only way to move on, to get over it. It's hard and I'm sure you know already, try to stay busy, keep your head up, it won't be long till she fades away. Which you probably don't want to happen but it's the best way to get on with your life and become whole again.
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