Never planned on being the other woman and trying to see clearly

[wyngate6]

I first saw him when I was ten. I had a huge crush on him growing up. He was four years old and so beautiful to me. He barely knew I existed.

 

I met up with him again when I was 26 and we were both single. I had just gone through a breakup and he (Tom) became my friend. I started to really care. Eventually, I hooked up with him one night and he didn't call me the following week. A few weeks later I saw him with another woman and learned he was all about the chase. He was a huge player in our city.

 

Six months later, we became reinvolved. He told me "I like you, I'm attracted to you -- but I'm not looking for a relationship right now and I don't want to hurt you". I was young and stupid and thought it would change but of course it didn't. While I have have had significant boyfriends since him, I never fell as hard for anyone as I did for Tom. I moved away seven months later to go to grad school.

 

I moved back to my city four years ago. I dated another man for two years and during that time, I would always run into Tom. I live in a huge city but would run into him at least once every few months. That relationship ended after I caught that ex cheating on me. I was heartbroken.

 

A few months later, I ran into Tom again. The chemistry was still strong but I resisted. Three more months went by and I saw Tom again. This was April/May of 2007. This time, I was just lonely and we spent the night together. In some ways, he helped me heal from my ex bc I remembered the crush I felt for him so many years back. Over the next few months, he would call me every month -- we would meet up, hook up but that was it. I knew the dynamic between us wasn't going to change. It was just a hook up. I became involved w/another man (there was a brief overlap in the begginning) and I stopped taking Tom's calls/texts. Around the same time, I learned he started dating someone too. Even thought he had a gf, he continued to call me late night last September, October, November, December. I never saw him but wondered why he was still calling me now that he was involved.

 

Last winter, I caught my exboyfriend cheating on me and I promptly broke up with him. I was heartbroken again. I met another guy in February who later who turned out to be a friend of a friend of Tom's. As soon as he found out, he sent me a text that he heard I had a date. A chill went down my spine. Things with that guy were casually and didn't last (he was really dumb). Tom texted me again last March while I was still seeing the friend of the friend -- I was hesitant to see him as I didn't know where things were going w/the guy. I also knew that Tom still had a girlfriend. We texted for awhile and eventually got together last May (things were over w/the guy by then). The chemistry between us is strong and I gave in. I knew he had a girlfriend but I just did it for a distraction and for the fun. I know hes not a good person -- theres just so much history between us. I always remember the feelings that I use to carry for him.

 

I have been dating since May but no one serious. Tom continued to text me at least once a month to get together. I felt badly for the girlfriend bc I've had two cheating boyfriends but I justified to myself that she had to know or that the relationship wouldn't last. I haven't been looking to date Tom -- I can see in my head that he's just a cheat. I found out in September, they got engaged - two weeks after I last saw him. I was in shock. I thought the texts and calls would stop but they started up again a few weeks later and even more frequently.

 

I do not initiate. I do not ask to see him or lead him on in my texts. A few weeks ago, he showed up at my apartment after calling me and I yelled at him that he's engaged now -- its different. He said he knows -- he shouldnt be w/me but hes so attracted to me. We were both drunk and hooked up. Since then, hes been texting me every week. It's been too much bc I don't want to get into a more frequent habit of this -- I haven't seen him but its not bc I've been super strong -- I've just refused to give up my night to go meet him when I could be meeting other AVAILABLE or I've simply been asleep.

 

I'm lonely and I'm still single and I can't see this situation clearly anymore. Part of me feels so guilty over what I've done and I want to warn his fiance that hes been cheating on her throughout their relationship. BUt then I tell myself, how can I start caring for this woman now when I haven't cared about her before? Let her figure it out. I also dont know whats stronger -- my guilt over sleeping with an engaged guy or my physical need/lust for him. I know he's a bad person - what he is doing is so wrong. He tells me each time he feels guilty but he continues to do it and initiates 100% of the time. But am I much better?

 

I really try to be a good person and I don't know how my life has turned into this. I know I'm just doing this until I meet someone and it helps with the lonliness but I feel so guilty/torn over the pain I could potentially cause this innocent person.

[whichwayisup]

You have alot of insight into your own situation...Stay strong and don't give in to Tom.

 

Tom is scum, he's a player and he probably has had afew STD's, so get yourself checked!

Tom is also a jerk, a user, a selfish man who thinks the world revolves around him.

Tom is a liar, a cheater, a betrayer.

Tom doesn't care about anyone but TOM.

 

If you continue down this path you'll hurt yourself more and more, and you'll also lose who "you" are and all that you believe in.

 

Tell him goodbye, cry your eyes out, grieve and do your best to let go. Get counselling if you need it.. If you don't, this guy will mess up your life so badly if you let him.

[jj33]

 

I'm lonely and I'm still single and I can't see this situation clearly anymore. Part of me feels so guilty over what I've done and I want to warn his fiance that hes been cheating on her throughout their relationship. BUt then I tell myself, how can I start caring for this woman now when I haven't cared about her before? Let her figure it out. I also dont know whats stronger -- my guilt over sleeping with an engaged guy or my physical need/lust for him. I know he's a bad person - what he is doing is so wrong. He tells me each time he feels guilty but he continues to do it and initiates 100% of the time. But am I much better?

 

I really try to be a good person and I don't know how my life has turned into this. I know I'm just doing this until I meet someone and it helps with the lonliness but I feel so guilty/torn over the pain I could potentially cause this innocent person.

 

Sadly its the lonliness that gets so many people. Its normal to want someone in your life but this is not the guy to fill that void and you kow that.

 

You KNOW he is a bad guy. You KNOW he will never treat you any better than he is treating this woman. What you may or may not realize is taht if you get involved you may end up falling for him even tho you KNOW he is not a good person.

 

Ask him to stop calling you ignore his texts get him out of your life completely. I know its difficult but if you let the weakness take over now it will haunt you with unbelievable pain the future. He sounds like he has his fiancee totally snowed. It is likely they will marry. And what if they dont? This is not a guy you want to be with. Not a guy who will ever treat you right.

 

Good luck and stay strong.

[wyngate6]

Thank you for your reply.

 

Quick correction - he was four years OLDER not four years old when I met him. I am 33 and he's 37.

 

My guilt has grown so much over the past few weeks that I am going to try my best to ignore him now. I can feel myself starting to get sucked back in bc of the recent frequency and I don't want to get hurt. If you met him, he looks so sweet - you would never think he would be this.

 

I am also thinking of emailing his fiance - create a fake email address and email her as a friend of the girl he's been sleeping with and tell her about the affair. I know I wouldn't be able to offer her proof but I could mention two saturday nights when she was out of town and he cheated on her and tell her to check his cell phone history. If she saw his phone records, she could see how many texts he would send me those nights (plus others) when she's not around (its late night). I don't know if they would tell her but his doorman knows he cheats too. One of my friends talked to him once about him and he told her that he cheats on her "all the time".

 

I have been so hurt by cheaters and I have a hard time doing nothing while this girl is planning to marry someone who is living a lie. Some of my friends say that I should do nothing but others think she should be warned. I know that if she saw his phone records she would get my phone number and then I don't know what will happen.

 

I just hate how I let myself be so selfish. I hate that he has this hold over me.

 

Thank you again. I am going to try to do the right thing.

[KismetGirl]

Sadly its the lonliness that gets so many people. Its normal to want someone in your life but this is not the guy to fill that void and you kow that.

 

You KNOW he is a bad guy. You KNOW he will never treat you any better than he is treating this woman. What you may or may not realize is taht if you get involved you may end up falling for him even tho you KNOW he is not a good person.

 

Ask him to stop calling you ignore his texts get him out of your life completely. I know its difficult but if you let the weakness take over now it will haunt you with unbelievable pain the future. He sounds like he has his fiancee totally snowed. It is likely they will marry. And what if they dont? This is not a guy you want to be with. Not a guy who will ever treat you right.

 

Good luck and stay strong.

 

JJ is right. The loneliness keeps me in my awful situation with my MM. get out while you can, it's not a filler for the loneliness. All it's going to do is give you momentary happy moments, followed by days, weeks, whatever, of suffering. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave and end the relationship.

 

Its tough but do it. Be strong! good luck and hugs

[2sure]

You sound like you are going to be just fine, you are going to do the right thing - at least for yourself. A booty call is not worth the guilt or even the time if you are someone who wants a relationship.

 

I'd like to add that I am a big believer in Karma , having both seen and experienced good and bad. The fact that he is engaged and you are participating in this betrayal - I wouldn't mess with this. It will come back at you.

 

My now husband cheated on me before and when we first married. We are recovering. But I wish I had known before hand. Please let her know.

[jwi71]

What do you want from him?

Do you want him to go away and leave you alone?

 

If you want him gone, tell him so. Tell him to stop contacting you. And if he won't, let him know that you and his fiance will have a fascinating lunch - you two have so much to talk about. That'll send him running. But be prepared to follow through.

 

If you want him in your life. OK. Just prepare yourself for what some of these OW/OM live through for her few allotted hours with him (and when he chooses)

 

Personally, Run. You don't need that in your life.

 

*Edited for really bad grammar

[LakesideDream]

OP, you talk of "crushes" and attraction. Do you love this guy? If you do, get in the fight. You don't want him married to another woman.

 

If it's infatuation, a sexual attraction. Listen to his cue's. He enjoys having sex with you, not being with you. I don't hear about spending time at the beach, or a weekend in a quiet bed and breakfast. It's just ring the doorbell sex.

 

Don't waste being 33 years old. You really don't want to be 43, or 53 and feeling the same things.

[soconfused01]

well put, lakeside

 

this tomcat flatters you, but that's all he does *for* you. He's attractive and charming, and no doubt makes you feel attractive and special when he's with you. You know he's a player, that's what players do. Think to yourself when tempted, 'How flattering is it really to be wanted by a man such as this? Real flattery, better flattery is being wanted by a man who wouldn't cheat on his fiance, or treat me like so much meat.' Hopefully repeating the truth to yourself with get you through this. And it's my opinion that creating a fake friend account is a good way to go about letting his fiance know about the affair. This woman deserves to make her own choice about who she wants to be with, not be tricked into it by a player like Tom.

You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders. Now start looking for the guy that will appreciate all of you, all the time.

[wyngate6]

Thank you everyone for replying back to me. It makes a difference hearing it from people on this site than my friends as everyone has a different point of view. Between his engagement and the frequency of these texts, my guilt has taken over me.

 

I do not love him -- its purely lust and an old habit. I'm comfortable with him. Of course there is a part of me that thinks "god, if he weren't such a cheater/player, he would be such a great guy"

 

There were two of you that recommended that I tell her (of course anonymously). I know by even doing that -- once she tracks down his phone calls, she will have my number. So many of my friends are telling me to do nothing and let her figure it out on her own and she will catch him in time. That when he is completely out of my life, I won't feel as guilty. Or that maybe he will stop cheating when they get married. She also might not believe the email and just want to believe whatever lies he tells her. Sometimes it just easier to want to believe in someone bc the reality can be too hard to face. I just don't know. What do you think?

[wildsoul]

I think the best course of action is to make ammends by stopping the affair, first and foremost. If she comes to you, then I think you owe her the truth. But I don't think you should be the one to contact her about it. He'll get caught on his own.

[soconfused01]

hmm tough one about her having your number. I'd personally still do it though. he may get caught on his own, but it could be years. years of that girl's life wasted. who knows, maybe he'll give her an std or knock her up and then leave her before she finds out the truth. someone I know just found out about their husband after 7 years of the affair going on. 7 years!

[frannie]

There were two of you that recommended that I tell her (of course anonymously). I know by even doing that -- once she tracks down his phone calls, she will have my number. So many of my friends are telling me to do nothing and let her figure it out on her own and she will catch him in time. That when he is completely out of my life, I won't feel as guilty. Or that maybe he will stop cheating when they get married. She also might not believe the email and just want to believe whatever lies he tells her. Sometimes it just easier to want to believe in someone bc the reality can be too hard to face. I just don't know. What do you think?

 

Hello there. I think it's fantastic that you can see Tom, and this whole situation, for what it is. I hate to think where you'd be emotionally if you were in love with him, what a terrible future you'd have ahead of you. As it is yes, you feel lonely and you've had some bad luck with men, but you still have plenty of chance (and a free heart), for a wonderful future.

 

Regarding telling her. Yes, I'd be very tempted to do it, too. If you feel strong enough, you can decide to be honest with her if she calls you for verification. I think this would be a great thing to do for her because you could be saving her years of heartache.

 

Of course she may decide to ignore the information, since the wedding is already planned, and so on. But that shouldn't really concern you. The point is that she gets the information before she's committed to him, and then you'll have done your bit.

 

On the other hand, of course, you have no obligation to warn her, so if you feel it would be putting yourself in danger at all or you're just not up to it, then just cut him off completely and walk away. Best of luck anyway.