lovesparis Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 i've been broken up w/ the man i consider to be the love of my life for 1yr 2mo. i've been NC for 10mo. and today i'm miserable. i miss my ex so much right now. it always seems to come back and slap me in the face just when i feel that i've made some progress-- where i realize i'm not thinking of him everyday, where if i refer to him it's as "my ex" instead of his name. i would do anything to get him to give me a 2nd chance. ANYTHING. (well... i mean within reason. i wouldn't commit a crime or put a voodoo spell on him) i would move to be with him. quit my job, pack my stuff.. i would marry him tomorrow at the courthouse in a burlap bag. i have the hardest time imagining my future without him. i suppose it doesn't help that my friend just moved to his city. i know i'll visit her, and as terrible as it sounds, i kind of don't want to. i fear that i'll run into him and he'll just "look right through me walk right by me". (2pts if you can name where i stole that line from) i'll be paranoid every moment htat i'm there that i will see him. (it's a huge city. the chances of that are slim to none. plus he travels for work, so that decreases the chances even more) but it's THERE. that fear that i would have an opportunity to --if not rekindle a relationship-- at least get some answers... and either not take it, or not be allowed to take it. i think often of writing him a letter or worse yet showing up at his house-- of finally getting my schtuff together and being brave enough to put it all out there.... but i can't face the thought of being turned down by him. and if i would write a letter or make a phone call or show up at his house... what would i say? would i make the "big gesture"? (2 more pts) would i add in a sweeping apology? would i try to cram everything i want to say into a 1.30min speech? would i use love songs/quotes? would i write every word myself? would i memorize it or read it? would i cry or be brave? would i apologize from the heart and to the point, and walk away.. hoping he comes running after me like in the movies? and speaking of movies, would i stand out in his driveway in a thunderstorm with a boombox? would he even get it if i did? someone please beat some sense into me. or advice. either will be appreciated. 3pts if you read my whole rambling.
Peter_pan Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 looks like i got 3points well i feel for you on the missing them part etc. and its hard that your friend is moving to where he is. i would hate for a friend to do that !! 10 months nc is a long time, who ended the re in the first place, how do you know he is single? are you going to write a letter or meet him? or just arousing the idea\/?
Dominique Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Hello Doll, Former Midwesterner here....Happy to (try to) help one of the members of the tribe.... Why not try a different "tactic".... Go the cool route. Rather than "showing up" and pleading and crying, why not look him up, contact him in a very mature, controlled, happy but controlled way, to say Welcome, wanted to wish you big success here in the big city....Here is my number if you would like me to show you the most beautiful painting in our museum...(this is just an example, but you might need something a little less "sexy" than suggesting dates, wine bars, etc...so to speak). IF you show that you are not out to stalk him, that you are just "genuinely pleased" to see him, and THEN try to feel things out from there--admitting feelings only if the appropriate circumstances show themselves--then you have nothing to lose. I feel that this "neutral" approach, whatever the designs behind it, is almost always win-win. It shows maturity, being realistic (he is there after all and you two were a part of each others' lives), and it shows the best side of you--warmth, spirit, energy and just the right amount of detachment Even if you are dying to just throw yourself at him, a little "fake it till you make it" tends to work. And it will be a nice test of your discipline. Of course, if he is in a steady relationship or married, naturally this whole scenario changes--as in, there is no contact whatsoever (no messiness, thanks). I imagine that you are in a city like Chicago, St. Louis or Detroit...At least you can "disappear" into the city if things do not go well, and you will be--eventually--fine. If he is in any way jerky or cold, it just might numb you to him enough. First though, get your self-esteem in order. You do not want to act needy, clingy, desperate, or too-much-too-soon if you are nervous... I absolutely do not see why you should pine away in self questioning and misery in the big city now that your former beau is in town. Greet him as if you were the Queen of the city with the keys to the city. Just make the situation "your own". I believe if you proceed with caution and warmth, you have absolutely nothing to lose. After all, I have the impression that you were not chasing him all this time (this one year away) so he knows that you too might be "over" him. Relax, be cool and confident in your approach, and take the spirited road in all of this. Life demands enough discipline and restraint, this is something that you shape nicely and enjoy. DOM
Author lovesparis Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 hey folks, thanks for your replies. peter; i can't really fault my friend for moving to the same city, it is a huge city and she's chasing her dream so i can't be upset. he ended the R, and last i heard he wasn't single anymore, so it's more like wishful thinking that i would actually do something. if i knew he was single or at least didn't know he was dating someone AND i ran into him i'd be more inclined to do something; but as it stands, it's just something i want to do. i know the chances of us getting back together are slim to none; but i also know that if we do get back together at some point, he'll have to have had some more dating experience. it's just i've never EVER felt the way i do about him before. i feel, in the depth of my being, that he's my soulmate. he just happens to be so stubborn that even if he felt the same way about me, he would never contact me, b/c he made his choice and he's going to stick with it, too hell with the consequences. dom; unfortunately, i don't live in the same city as him. he moved. after we split he devoted himself to his thesis, and then another hobby... his mom told me he wasn't doing well with the breakup at all. after graduation, he quit his job, packed up and moved to another city. got a job doing something he loves, went back to school for his Ph.D. and started dating a girl with a job similar to my dream job. my honest feeling is that he ran away from the area, and the memories of me. i have heard no other info about him. (his mom occasionally fills me in) that was august that i heard that. i'm actually in a small town, and he, and my friend live in the "big city". i agree with your suggestions if i were to run into hiim though; i'd have to be cool, calm, collected, and aloof. "oh hi... small world. how are you doing?" i don't know that i could pull it off though. i saw a recent picture of him last time i was at his moms and my stomach turned upside down like i was on a rollercoaster with lots of loops. it got me worked up for a couple days. it just sucks right now, and i go through ups and downs. still. it's really hard for me b/c i've never had a break up like this. i've always just accpted that if one person doesn't want the relationship that i don't want to fight for it, and he changed all that. i am in my mid-20's and i feel like a highschooler. i don't know what to do ro how to get over the R. the level of love i have for this man... i've tried everything i know to get over the R. at first i tried to get hiim back, then i tried to ignore him. then i tried 1 last time to contact him in a friendly manner (back in dec) then i focused on getting on with my life. trying to accept that he wasn't coming back. i've tried dating other people. i've tried prayer-- both to bring him back, and to get me over him. it's just so weird b/c everytime i feel like i've actually made some progress in getting over him, moving on and whatnot, something that reminds me of him (and only him) will pop up in a very in-my-face kinda way. it just brings me right back to wanting to be with him and that's one reason i believe he's my soulmate. le sigh. ::bangs head on desk::
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