pinkrazr Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years now. We had a fantastic relationship, and he was very good to me. we were always able to talk to eachother about issues and whatnot, and agree to disagree. this past year has become rocky. I lost my job and have ran out of money. I'm living with my parents and staring hair school next week. (i'm 26 hes 32) I have been going through depression for years, and struggling. I know i have been hard to deal with, but I catered to him and cared for him. He is completely independant, has a great job and I personally feel like a bum. But i'm glad to be back on my feet and getting somewhere with my life. we got into an argument this past weekend, and somehow my mom got into it, he kept talking over me whenever i tried to speak my opinion on the issue and he snapped at her, and said to her "I think honestly you baby your daughter too much and always have to save her" ..... I have never seen my mom cry so hard. what the hell was that about! I was in shock! he just snapped! this wasnt the man I knew! then last night I told him he made me feel really uncomfortable and hurt, saying that to my own mother! he said hes been thinking of splitting with me for a long time, because I wasnt compatible with him anymore and that he didnt see a future for me. because I was just getting my life together now... and dumped me. I was devastated.... I cant even put into words how I felt. I begged him to please not do this to me right before i'm trying to get my life together. today I called him. like an idiot. But i needed answers, it was just so quick! he got mad at me for calling him, and said "why are you calling me, I dont want to talk to you, this is what people do when they split okay!" and hung up on me.... I dont know what happened! its not like we had a stupid meaningless relationship, we were so so close! I feel like i went into a coma and woke up to him splitting it off with me, like i missed a whole scene! whats going on! someone please help...
Peter_pan Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 sorry to hear that darling. it sounds like he was angry for some reason. i think he needs some time from what you wrote. i am guessing you want him back, have you spoke or heard from him since? x
lofi_tokyo Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I can't believe he yelled at your mother. That's terrible! Him saying "this is what happens when people split" is kinda what my ex told me, when I asked for answers, when I tried to talk he was like "I thought by breaking up I wouldn't have to talk about this **** anymore". I think sometimes people just need time to cool off after a relationship ends, and then they're ready to talk. When I started ignoring my ex, he started trying to be friendly again. Gave me hopes again... which he then crushed. Now? Hes cut out 100% aside from me mentioning him on these forums, and occasionally to friends in passing.
Author pinkrazr Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 I feel so ripped apart! he acted so pompus and high and mighty! like I deserved to be treated like **** for who I was! i gave everything I had into this relationship! it really feels like he is enjoying hurting me to the max!
lofi_tokyo Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I think sometimes the guy HAS to feel okay hurting you. They can hide their feelings of hurt with anger. Instead of dealing with a loss through grieving, they get angry because it makes it easier for them to brush you off. I'm really sorry he treated you like that. You did not deserve it.
Sysyphus28 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Ths guy sounds horrible. I only know your side of the story, but the fact that he dumped you so coldly is not right. "this is what happens when people split"..........................No it is not. That is what happens when the dumper is to cowardly to respect the person they broke up with and give them a proper reason and descent closure. He sounds cold. Just like my ex(who said "we always talk about the same thing, leave me alone") I was devastated and embarrassed in from of my friends................ Cruel and cold. Cruel and cold. I am so sorry that this complete A** did this to you. Who does he think he even is? Guess who he is now. A ghost.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 "this is what happens when people split"..........................No it is not. That is what happens when the dumper is to cowardly to respect the person they broke up with and give them a proper reason and descent closure Thanks for saying that Sysyphus. I felt so dump struck when I first tried to talk to my ex about why he just quit on me, and he told me he did not think he needed to say anything because we were broke up. It stung a bit.
Geishawhelk Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 And now, what you do, is look in the mirror, hold your chin up, throw your head back and say out loud: (no, I do really mean, out LOUD): "Well F**K you Mister high-and-mighty, who needs you? I don't!!" Kick him to the kerb then go hug your mum and thank her for batting in your corner, 'cos' mums like that are great!
Author pinkrazr Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 And now, what you do, is look in the mirror, hold your chin up, throw your head back and say out loud: (no, I do really mean, out LOUD): "Well F**K you Mister high-and-mighty, who needs you? I don't!!" I just did that. And it made me feel liberated for a lil bit It made me feel like I really did nothing wrong, and he just got bored of me catering to him. His sudden ******* attitude from nowhere has really made me feel like He wanted control of me somehow. I dont know why. but something has come over him, and I dont want to experience that. for god sakes he told of my mother!
tinke Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Pinkrazr, sorry to hear of your pain. It was a cowardly act not to talk to you before it came to this, and to brush you off adds to the confusion. No one deserves this treatment, and it does not speak highly of him. As painful as it may be to hear this, often when this takes place so suddenly, there is someone else in the picture. Are you certain there is not? Take care of you right now.
Chinook Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Pinkrazr there is someone else. That's the reason this happened so fast and so coldly. For every single relationship which ended on this board after an out-of-the-blue argument... with no real reasonable explanation... what happens down the line is that the person who was dumped discovers their ex is already dating again. This results from one of two things.. 1) The person is already emotionally invested in someone else and has that person waiting in the wings. As soon as the relationship is over, they move on. or worse... 2) They were already in a relationship with someone else before *your* relationship ended. Either scenario - in every single case I've witnessed confused dumped people coming here with almost identical stories to yours, an out of the blue argument which gets blown up and suddenly everything is over. No thought for where the relationship is, no thought of trying to work things through and the stinger... they coldly cut you off because they can't deal with the emotional trauma and pain they have inflicted on you knowing they're already invested and happy with someone else. Not saying that your ex is already seeing someone else... but I would bet there is an 'interest' for him. If I were you, I'd walk away. Sit tight and ignore him. He doesn't deserve ANY of your time at the very least. He doesn't deserve your thoughts or energy either but that's a little harder to overcome. But overcome it you will, in time.
Surfer Girl Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Sometimes in their minds they emotionally checked out way before you knew it... and are looking for that opportune time to end it... Finding any excuse to end it because they have been thinking about it for awhile... Once they have the guts to end it... They may feel relief and can't handle your questions.... Give each other time apart...
Author pinkrazr Posted October 24, 2008 Author Posted October 24, 2008 ugh, this hurts so bad. He calls me sometimes just to talk about something stupid like I'm just his biddy and nothing went wrong, what the hell! seriously!
BCCA Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 ugh, this hurts so bad. He calls me sometimes just to talk about something stupid like I'm just his biddy and nothing went wrong, what the hell! seriously! Don't answer the phone when he calls anymore, at all. If you have to screen your calls, do so. You're only rewarding his bad behavior by accepting him into your life under his terms, which only gives him the idea that it's ok.
Sysyphus28 Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Don't answer the phone when he calls anymore, at all. If you have to screen your calls, do so. You're only rewarding his bad behavior by accepting him into your life under his terms, which only gives him the idea that it's ok. ABSOLUTELY. That was well put. Answering his calls is rewarding the dumper for his piss poor actions. HE does NOT get to talk to you anymore. He lost that privledge of your voice and presence because of his treatment of you. Do not be manipulated into being what he wants you to be, ALL or nothing. No half-a** friendships. No comfort calls on holidays. You want me or you don't. ** Take this advice to heart. It is a dignity saver. Your dignity and self worth are very important factors to your success in this world.
Author pinkrazr Posted October 25, 2008 Author Posted October 25, 2008 I wish I would have read the responses before I kept picking up the phone. He's calling me for help with computer programs, and its making me feel stupid. I said to him tonight "why are you calling me and talking to me like i'm your buddy now?, this really hurts" he said "anyways, did you manage to get that program for me?" totally dodged what I said! so I said, again.... why are you acting like we have never dated! what the hell! you dump me, tear my heart out and then call me like I've been your friend and nothing else? he said "I'm just not thinking about us ok, your not my girlfriend anymore, I thought this was mutual, i'm getting on with my life. If i see you with someone else down the road I wont be hurt, you need to get your life going too, maybe in a few months we'll meet up and see what goes from there" first... this was NOT a mutual breakup, I was kicked to the curb. Second, hes already telling me to find someone else? I cant believe it! after 3 years together, BANG just like that! he cant seem to understand why i'm ripped to shreds? what the f*** is wrong with me that I'm being such a doormat?!!! my head is still spinning from the breakup! how do I deal with this?!! I seriously want him back so bad, only because we were so good together, then he got cold and he was gone! is he playing these head games to me to hurt me? to make sure I'm always feeling like i'm missing him? just so he knows I'll be there? how do I deal with this? I cant just tell him off, It's so hard. It really really is.... help... please...
mental_traveller Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 What happened is that he felt problems with the relationship for a long time, but for whatever reason you two didn't communicate it. Whether this is because he didn't say there were problems, or he did say it but you didn't listen or notice (maybe you felt things were going great so didn't see the problem), I don't know without getting further details. Can you think of any previous times he said there was a problem with things? Anyway, it's clear he has been unhappy for a while, and has probably checked out of the relationship quite some time ago. This has come out of the blue for you, but the fact is that it's unlikely he will want to come back. Even if you can persuade him, the issues that made him unhappy will remain. My suggestion is to just stop contacting him, like he asked. Eventually your feelings will calm down and finally go away, you'll get over him and can find a relationship with someone who is happy to be with you.
mental_traveller Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Pinkrazr there is someone else. That's the reason this happened so fast and so coldly. Not necessarily. It could be that it didn't happen fast at all. It may have been building for her bf over many months. It may be that it only seems "sudden" because pinkrazr felt happy with things, and didn't notice her boyfriend was unhappy. I've been in similar situations in relationships, it wasn't another woman involved (usually I stay single a few months after breaking up), it was just that the woman I was seeing was totally blind to the problems that were building, and didn't bother to listen when I mentioned them and how they were making me unhappy. Could be the same with this guy. As a man, if you feel you are getting problems from your own gf, and eventually get sick of it, then the last thing you want to do after finally breaking off with her is to spend days and weeks arguing further about it with the same person who made you miserable in the first place. The whole point of breaking up is that you *can no longer stand someone's company* and want to finish. Continuing to talk about it totally defeats the object. The only thing "owed" is a brief explanation of why you decided to leave. This can be done in about 5 mins email or phone call.
mental_traveller Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 how do I deal with this?!! I seriously want him back so bad, only because we were so good together, then he got cold and he was gone! is he playing these head games to me to hurt me? to make sure I'm always feeling like i'm missing him? just so he knows I'll be there? how do I deal with this? I cant just tell him off, It's so hard. It really really is.... help... please... You deal with it by realising that it is totally over. The relationship has gone. He is not playing any games. He is just genuinely out of the relationship and over you (and probably was several weeks or even a couple of months before you split up). He is clearly a bit naive about relationships, so because he doesn't feel any real attachment anymore, he thinks you can just have a normal "friends" relationship without any complications. He has no clue the amount you are feeling hurt by this. You should stop all contact with him for as long as it takes to forget this guy. Don't let him call you, email, text message etc - make it clear you totally want to stop contact and block him if necessary. Then get on with life and forget him.
tinke Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 M.T., thank for your input. It's good to hear a male's perspective on situations as these.
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