You'reasian Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 People who keep this stuff are still attached, when a relationship is done its done - why would I want to keep videos of me and an ex having intercourse? Exactly. And for the OP, if he cannot let go of these videos, he is obviously still attached to this person....and these videos would have never been readily findable - meaning they should have been locked up and in some attic or storage facility somewhere. Best of luck and sorry to hear about your situation.
lamaman3 Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Is this the kind of man you wish to marry? I mean, really? Makes home-made porn, then belittles his ex as if she were a piece of meat. Not a gentleman, to be sure As others have said, it's the past, but past behavior is an indicator of future behavior... No offense but what an idiotic statment. What is wrong with spicing up a couples sex life by adding toys and video etc. between 2 consenting adults? That means he wouldnt be a good partner? Give me a break. As for bellitilling his ex - its obvious he did that because his present girlfriend wanted to hear it and he wanted to make her feel much more special. The OP is upset not because he bellitled his ex, she liked to hear him do that - but rather because she saw that he actually liked her and treated her with respect. Yes its a little strange that this video was kept at the top of a drawer - but id put my money on it that theres more to this story. The OP happened to randomly stumble on a random video labeled something else and then randomly decided to watch it through? Cmon? When you snoop, youre going to find something you dont like- simple as that. If youre happy in a relationship and yourself you dont need to go around looking for something incriminating on your partner. Its obvious the OP was jealous of his ex before this tape - thats the reason her boyfriend kept bellitilling the ex to her. Straight up jealousy on the OP's part.
carhill Posted October 24, 2008 Posted October 24, 2008 Sounds like you have it all figured out. Good luck with that
MichelleS1983 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Being brutally honest, I think that tape is simply part of his "spank bank" arsenal, plain and simple. He gets off watching it. Alot of people get a little "creative" and rewrite history to assauge their current partner's insecurities, and it would seem that's what your BF may have done. He played it down to sound as though he didn't care about his old girlfriend at ALL because it clearly is something you can't accept. Admittedly, at one time there was something there as much as you may not want to face that. When relationships go bad, we tend to focus on the bad ending and alot of the time, that's the primary impression we carry of it into the future with us. So while his accounting of that relationship has been mostly the 'bad' to you, there was still a time when things weren't that bad. Thus the tape. And alot of men do get off watching themselves with a partner even if it may not be the one they're currently with. They have the ability to compartmentalize and not have the two worlds collide. I would not be surprised in the least if this is something he occasionally watches as a visual stimulant during his 'alone' time.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 My opinion is that this one's on you. You looked through his things. You probably knew what the tape was in the first 30 seconds or so, but you watched the whole thing, right? We all have pasts, some are recorded more graphically than others. I'd judge him based on his present day treatment of you, anything else is irrelevant... Mr. Lucky
Vertex Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 A lot of guys are going to bash past, failed relationships, to be honest. If it's clear you are the jealous type, he's obviously not going to play to the positive attributes of the relationship. He's going to play to the honestly negative parts in order to assuage your concerns. All failed relationships aren't 100% bad -- they usually just had a bad ending, and it's that last impression that people carry out when it comes to explaining a "bad relationship" to someone else, especially a girlfriend who may be jealous. So, I think this much is easily explained and should be disregarded. As for the fact that he kept the tape, it could honestly go either way, but my gut reaction here is in his favor. I don't even think it's something he watches often, if at all. He probably kept it just because it's a relic of the past. I know I like to keep things from past relationships, but only as icons of memory. They are my history. That tape is probably just something "of his history" that he has kept because it was a relic of a positive time in that relationship. It, by no means, implies that he still has feelings for her or even gets off to it. I say all this only because I personally have a few "sexual reminders" from my own past relationships, and I don't even watch any of it, or have any interest in doing so. I kept them simply because I have a hard time erasing things from my past, and it was easier to keep them around.
XNemesisX Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I feel for the OP. I'm in a similar boat except that I saw my boyfriend having sex with his ex IN PERSON. This was before I started dating him and he and his ex were over at my (then) boyfriends house drinking one night. They were staying in the living room on a couch that pulled out into a bed. I opened the bedroom door to go to the restroom and BAM there it was! Saw his naked hind end pounding a way on her spread eagle. I quickly shut the door and wasn't able to make it to the restroom without having to walk through the living room where they were clearly having a good ol time together. Does it eat away at me? HELL YES it does. I'm still with him but sometimes I don't know if I can accept this. Clearly it is one thing to be jealous over past sexcapades your partner has had but quite another to actually SEE it with your own eyes. He didn't even realize I saw them going at it until I had been dating him a few months and told him. His face turned every shade of red and he was embarrassed by it. The image haunts me. I sometimes don't know if I can accept it and don't see how the OP could accept what she saw either. It is truly sickening for a person to see the one they're with literally having sex with an ex right before their eyes.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I opened the bedroom door to go to the restroom and BAM there it was! Just out of curiousity, what were you and your ex doing in the bedroom? Having sex? And yet you don't know if you can "accept" your BF having sex with his ex? A ridiculous double standard... Mr. Lucky
XNemesisX Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Just out of curiousity, what were you and your ex doing in the bedroom? Having sex? And yet you don't know if you can "accept" your BF having sex with his ex? A ridiculous double standard... Mr. Lucky It is not the fact that he had sex with his ex, it is the image of seeing it IN PERSON with my OWN TWO EYES. He didn't see me and my ex having sex in person. It's a little different don't you think?? It's one thing to know they did it and another to have a real life image of it going on.
Vertex Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Honestly... I think that's just something you're going to have to get over. We all have sexual pasts. Just because you happened to witness it doesn't mean it has some sort of present-day implication other than what you conjure up in memory. Let it go -- he's with you now. Hell, my parents even found some stuff I had made with my ex-girlfriend. Talk about embarrassing. But, you know what -- it's just something you move on from, because at the end of the day, the only negativity that actually stems from it would be that which you generate from the event. Nobody did anything wrong in your situation -- it was just an unlucky sighting. No good can come from stressing out over it. Just focus on the positive side to things in the present-day.
AAlike Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 It is not the fact that he had sex with his ex, it is the image of seeing it IN PERSON with my OWN TWO EYES. He didn't see me and my ex having sex in person. It's a little different don't you think?? It's one thing to know they did it and another to have a real life image of it going on. logically, it shouldn't be different - most people in this day and age have had casual or at least premaritial sex - but I think in the overwhelming majority of cases, it would be. we sure are a strange lot when it comes to this stuff, aren't we?
You'reasian Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Get out of your cave misogynist! Nothing wrong with women having sex with their partners!. How would you feel about watching a video of your man having sex with his ex - and her squirting and moaning all over him? I can't understand why women get angry when the situation is reversed...
You'reasian Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 maybe you should read the person's post who've I responded to before you speak! calling women who have had sex with their previous partners "who*es" is unacceptable, but to cave men like you im sure it's common to treat women that way. angry?? lol! do i get angry at the fact my partner has had sex with someone other than me? but i should get angry if im snooping through his stuff and find the obvious? just like "yongyong", you need to find yourself a good virgin so that you dont get "angry". the only thing a person should get "angry" about is the fact that they kept the tape in their possession at the shared residence, not there was "moaning" or sex involved. I am a caveman. I work for my food, take care of my own clothes and protect those who I would call my family and friends too. My cavewoman is not a virgin, she is smarter than me and we take care of each other I may not be the brightest of men, but even a caveman like myself can understand that love, loyalty, trust, providing and fighting - are all important things for we cavemen learn about. We like to keep our families warm and well fed. And when the terradactly comes swiping down at my neighbors, I'm going to pick up my spear and jam it as hard as I can into its chest. My fellow cavemen will help me. Life is good for we cavemen PS - I'm really a mongolian whom befriended a cavemen society. We just share what we hunt, fish, gather and find.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I'm really sorry you had to see that! I can't imagine how painful it must've been for you. I fully admit that I am (now) the jealous type. I am fiercely protective of my relationship. I can't stomach the idea of another woman touching my boyfriend, even if it was in the past. My thoughts and feelings are, for the most part, totally irrational and not grounded in any kind of reality. He was with them before me. He felt whatever he felt at the time, it has no bearing on his feelings for me. But this didn't stop me from obsessing endlessly about the possible memories they could've shared. These kinds of incessant, pesky thoughts can really eat away at your relationship. He will resent you for being so jealous, for being so insecure. I still struggle with this kind of stuff. I came upon emails an ex sent to my bf. In them, she details her very intense feelings for him and reminds him of the "good times"...needless to say, my head was spinning. He told me that he wasn't in love with her, she claimed it was a "fairy tale" romance - where does the truth lie? You have to accept that he did whatever with his ex. He said loving words to her. He was affectionate and sensitive with her. Deal with it. There is nothing you can do now to change this. What matters is that he is with you, not her. Discuss how he reconciles his statements to you and what you've heard/seen. Talk about it. Then let it go. The more you badger and wallow, the worse it will get. I hope you get past this. I like to think that I have.
XNemesisX Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 logically, it shouldn't be different - most people in this day and age have had casual or at least premaritial sex - but I think in the overwhelming majority of cases, it would be. we sure are a strange lot when it comes to this stuff, aren't we? Perhaps logically it shouldn't differ so much. But IT DOES. Anyone who acts nonchalant about what the OP saw has clearly never been in her shoes. I didn't see a tape, but I did see it in the flesh so I feel like I can empathize with her a great deal. I know how gut wrenching it is...even though my gut wrenching feeling is in retrospect as I wasn't in a relationship with him at that time and never really foresaw ever being in one with him when I witnessed this. Now that I am, I want to puke when it involuntarily enters my thoughts. I do wonder why the OP watched the tape once she realized what it was...or rather HOW she watched the tape in its entirety. I would have probably literally thrown up and destroyed the tape myself. There is certainly a level of masochism in doing that. I don't care if she's been with him 5 years...or 50 years. That is disturbing to see your significant other moaning and groaning and screwing someone else. Plain and simple. It would be very hard to get past it. It really concerns me that he kept the tape in that close of vicinity. I would bet that he has kept it around for viewing, even if occasionally wanting to spank the monkey to it. Otherwise, why was it not boxed up somewhere or DESTROYED.
Author Ihatehim2much Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Well things have mellowed out a lot now. He has destroyed the tape. He said he didn't even know he had it he had other tapes which he destroyed and after we moved he didn't realize what was still on that. He has apologized countless times for it and genuinely seems to feel bad. So I will let it go... And to anyone reading this if you should come across something like this take it from me DO NOT WATCH IT!!! I was torn up over this.... and the things I saw will fade with time but never disappear. To all you men out there watch ANYTHING else BUT never keep that kind of thing of your ex's if you really care about the person you are with. It may end your relationship, I know our's is damaged in my heart. I will try to forget this since what we have is good and his past shouldn't damage it.. Thanks to all who wrote.
TheEvilEdge7 Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Well things have mellowed out a lot now. He has destroyed the tape. He said he didn't even know he had it he had other tapes which he destroyed and after we moved he didn't realize what was still on that. He has apologized countless times for it and genuinely seems to feel bad. So I will let it go... And to anyone reading this if you should come across something like this take it from me DO NOT WATCH IT!!! I was torn up over this.... and the things I saw will fade with time but never disappear. To all you men out there watch ANYTHING else BUT never keep that kind of thing of your ex's if you really care about the person you are with. It may end your relationship, I know our's is damaged in my heart. I will try to forget this since what we have is good and his past shouldn't damage it.. Thanks to all who wrote. Don't date someone who is insanely jealous and insecure.
norajane Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Why would he keep that tape? Are you joking? I BEG YOU NOT TO MAKE HIM TRASH THAT. You will regret it!!! It's part of his history. Namely the Chapter titled: "The Hot Girl I dated that wanted to make a Porno tape before I married this jealous girl" too true!
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