Ihatehim2much Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I used to know his ex and absolutely hated her. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years now and were planning on getting married. Everytime he talked about her he said he never said he loved her and that she meant nothing to him and that he treated her horrible- she was just a booty call. I always believed him and then it all changed when the video I found showed him showing her lots of affection flowers saying he loved her and well everything opposite of how he said their relationship was. SO after seeing her spread wide eagle and he's begging to take her and theee most disgusting **** I have ****ing ever seen. It broke my heart I seriously can't stop seeing it in my head him going crazy over her and oooh how beautiful she was to him. Not only does it bother me that he lied about getting rid of that type of thing-- I mean why ****ing keep that ****. Why did he make up sooo much **** about her I feel like I can't trust a ****ing thing that he says anymore I hate him and I don't know what to do. He didn't cheat technically but it really feels like it..... I need help pleeeeze!!
Ariadne Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Oh, What do you want? That they "always" treated each other like crap? Even when they were making a video? Relax, that was ages ago. You are like this because you just saw it, but you need to get perspective.
Lizzie60 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I used to know his ex and absolutely hated her. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years now and were planning on getting married. Everytime he talked about her he said he never said he loved her and that she meant nothing to him and that he treated her horrible- she was just a booty call. I always believed him and then it all changed when the video I found showed him showing her lots of affection flowers saying he loved her and well everything opposite of how he said their relationship was. SO after seeing her spread wide eagle and he's begging to take her and theee most disgusting **** I have ****ing ever seen. It broke my heart I seriously can't stop seeing it in my head him going crazy over her and oooh how beautiful she was to him. Not only does it bother me that he lied about getting rid of that type of thing-- I mean why ****ing keep that ****. Why did he make up sooo much **** about her I feel like I can't trust a ****ing thing that he says anymore I hate him and I don't know what to do. He didn't cheat technically but it really feels like it..... I need help pleeeeze!! You just said it.. you need help... You are the jealous type that will send any guy running for the hills.. sorry but you need to control your emotions.. Of course he loved her.. he WAS with her.. he's a liar.. so deal with it.. either break up or just forget about what he did in the past..
Author Ihatehim2much Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 I know I feel like I'm overreacting I just can't get the images out of my brain. It hurts a lot I wish I never saw any of that but thats what I get for looking through his stuff. I really wanted an outside opinion on this since I feel soo angry and hurt right now.
Fimmy Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Oh dear. well if you went looking for stuff sounds like you didnt trust him to begin with. Now you have found it you have to make a decision, can you be with someone who had lied to you or is it going to play on your mind far too much and eventually eat you up inside that it ends up destroying the relationship. On one hand i do understand, i had a bf who told me he had a best friend who was a girl, fair enough, he went on to say he didnt fancy her (i hadnt asked if he did) and stuff, which i thought was abit, odd, i soppose. Well ofcourse then all i could think about was 'does/did he fancy her?' Eventually somehow i found out that he did ask her out once but she turned him down and i actually did feel quite hurt because he made such a point of telling me that he didnt feel anything for her, it left me feeling confused and abit strange, like i couldnt really trust what he told me first hand after that. Thats how the relationship ended up being, but it was also becuase i was quite a jealous, low self esteemed person back then, but at the same time he was very closed off emotionally aswell which didnt help, i dont know if your bf is this way at all? All i can really suggest is that you consider talking to him about it somehow or if you really cant handle it, part ways.
Author Ihatehim2much Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Thats what makes this soo difficult why would he lie about it. I mean he's telling me he thought he got rid of everything but it was sitting on the top inside of his dresser.. HOW could you forget what it was??? He recently told me I should cut me hair now all I can think about is if he wanted me to look more like her. He kept saying how perfect all these things with her were like her boobs UUUUHHH! I mean I am having a really hard time believing him when he says he hasn't watched that since we've been together. How can I trust him I really don't know how to not be jealous. Why would he keep that if he really loves me.
DeePee Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I can sort of understand why he lied to you. Think of it this way. They broke up... he was with her for X amount of months/years. No matter how short or long it was he was with her, that impacted his life and he's not happy about a failed relationship. It doesn't matter how healthy it was for them to break up, it's not a good thing. So, he's probably got a negative view on the past relationship. Secondly, he's talking to you, his wonderful girlfriend/fiance who he doesn't want to disappoint/anger/upset/distress. So, you two talk about his ex. He's not going to say things were great with her, and MOST GUYS don't know how to just be sterile during discussions of their past relationships. Also (i'm not saying you did this) MOST GIRLS don't now how to accept sterile discussions about a guy's past relationship. That combination really results in a guy telling a white lie about how he treated his ex. Don't let the lie about him not loving his ex bother you. He was with her for a reason. As for the porno, get that out of your head. You probably envisioned him having sex with his exes at one point early in the relationship. Your imagination ran wild and you got over it. If you didn't you need to do that in order to accept any man into your future. He's done things in the past that have molded him into the man you love today. Experience comes at a cost and you need to accept that cost if you want to be happy. Let it go. If he's lied about something of importance, sure leave him. But to banish a guy for lying about how he's acted towards his ex could be overlooked. In this case, he says he treated her like sh*t. This video only shows a small segment of his relationship... so maybe he did treat her like sh*t... that's something most guys wouldn't admit to, actually.
woodsfield Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 yikes.... all i have is thoughts of mine w with ex's...you've got it burned in the brain. you'll have to find some way to move on if he is the one. he lied because he wanted you to feel that you were the only one. well, everyone has a past, like it or not. you've seen he's. make your own video and burn the other.
norajane Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 You've been together 5 years...she's the distant past! What should be important to you is the present. How is your relationship? You said you're talking about getting married, so things must feel pretty good, yes? So if things are good between you, then don't sabotage your present by dwelling on those images. Tell him you found the videos of him and his ex and you're uncomfortable that he still has dirty videos of an ex from so long ago. Ask him if he's ready to let go of that reminder and toss it out.
carhill Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Everytime he talked about her he said he never said he loved her and that she meant nothing to him and that he treated her horrible- she was just a booty call. Is this the kind of man you wish to marry? I mean, really? Makes home-made porn, then belittles his ex as if she were a piece of meat. Not a gentleman, to be sure As others have said, it's the past, but past behavior is an indicator of future behavior...
trubella Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 i went through something similar recently, although i wasnt crazy enough to actually watch the video lol-no offense. i knew he had a tape with his ex that he supposedly doesnt watch but keeps around for whatever reason, maybe a vanity issue. i myself dont understand the point of keeping things like that, i can understand letters, cards etc but not a homemade porn vid. i told him to get rid of it, its been destroyed now. my case is a bit different because he never downplayed the ex or deny there was a vid so i could see why you would be upset that he did the opposite of that. but im also thinking its been 5 years now, thats a long time to rehash what the ex meant to him, whatever attachment he did have for her has to be long gone at this point. has he since gotten rid of the video?does he know youve seen it?
Lucky_One Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I think the thing that would bug me the most would be the fact that it was at the top of his dresser, when he has obviously been broken up with her over 5 years ago. Isn't that the sort of thing that would be buried at the bottom of some dusty box in the attic?
2sure Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Many Guys like making videos during sex given the opportunity. He probably kept it as another poster said , for vanity reasons. Because HE is in it, not because SHE is in it. But yes - having seen the video yourself would really really suck. I mean, you can regret having snoo0ped, then having watched it, but still - the image is there. Curiosity killed the cat, etc. I would tell him how it made you feel. Without the anger of betrayal, if possible. Maybe together you and he can rebuild your confidence? I have seen pictures of my now husband with his exes. They didnt bother me so much if I felt I was more attractive than the other. Hows that for vanity?
soconfused01 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 if you can't forget about it, leave him. I'm most concerned with the fact that he kept that video after 5 years with you. Maybe it is his vanity and has nothing to do with her, but either way it's completely disrespectful of you and your relationship and it doesn't sound as if he's really committed to you. It seems like if a guy was in love with someone, he wouldn't even want a video like that around. He probably gets off to it as well, how's that supposed to make you feel? I don't think you're the jealous type, I think most people would react the same way you are. I could NEVER continue with a guy I had seen a video of him doing some other chick, past or no.
AriaIncognito Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 My ex has pictures/videos from almost every gf, and he's married now. He keeps them because they are memories, same as people keep regular videos/photos. It doesn't mean that he wants to get back with each person (myself included). He's with you. The gf in the video is his past. If he says he wants to be with you, and displays he wants to be with you, then who cares if he has a video that he more than likely never watches? Do you keep love letters from exes? Have anything like that? I know I do. I have no want to be with them. They are just reminders of my past, which is what got me into my present. Just something to think about.
Lucky_One Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 But do you keep your old love letters at hand in the top of your dresser? Or are they in a box, tied up with ribbon, tucked away in the attic where you really don't think of them often?
Shygirl15 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 He's with you. The gf in the video is his past. If he says he wants to be with you, and displays he wants to be with you, then who cares if he has a video that he more than likely never watches? If that was the truth, "I betcha" the video would have been nowhere in sight..
Author Ihatehim2much Posted October 22, 2008 Author Posted October 22, 2008 Still feel a little sick about everything. Thank you SOOOO much to all that responded! Lots of great opinions I really needed that. Trubella you are right I was very crazy/stupid to watch that, honestly it was labeled something else and I popped it in not knowing. In the back of my head I remember him saying he used to have videos..but curious what was on the video and Then BAAAM ( He had other crap at the beginning of the tape and the end) But when I turned on the tape it was in the middle where he was taping her. There she was and I couldn't help it I just sat there. I feel much calmer today but honestly not sure when I can get over some of what I saw. Hoping to just block it out so I can love him again.
blair08 Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 I'm assuming your user name is in reference to how you're feeling about him. Hopefully you wont continue to "hate him to much" because if so, it will never work out. I'm sure it will be quite the challenge to block some of that stuff out you saw, but just know she is in his past for a reason.
sillylvgirl Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I wouldnt worry about it. YOU have been with him lease past yrs not her. Yeah ,she dated him in the past but how many guys have u dated in the past and treated you good? Just bcuz they dated and at that MOMENT of making the video was good doesnt mean shes the one on his mind RIGHT NOW. Get over it, its in the past. Honestly, if u dont YOU will be the one ruining you relationship right now,. He loves you not her. Things with her are over. You wouldnt brag about how much you loved some guy in the past to him would u? Flip things first and think from his side before u throw away your soon to be husband.
trubella Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Get over it, its in the past. Honestly, if u dont YOU will be the one ruining you relationship right now,. He loves you not her. Things with her are over. You wouldnt brag about how much you loved some guy in the past to him would u? Flip things first and think from his side before u throw away your soon to be husband. i seriously dont know she can get over watching her bf bang his ex on video. it bothered me knowing that my ex had a video, but watching it?would have had me scarred for life lol. thats not going to be easy to block out.
soconfused01 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I agree with trubella. It's written no where the every individual is capable of getting past watching something like that. There are some situations where a couple can love each other, and the past CAN truly be the past, but the damage cannot be reversed. If OP can believe that her boyfriend does only want to be with her, there is still the issue of respect. her boyfriend showed a serious lack of it, keeping and leaving something like that lying around, in my opinion
Sks Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 People who keep this stuff are still attached, when a relationship is done its done - why would I want to keep videos of me and an ex having intercourse?
AAlike Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 hmmm - unforunately you opened Pandora's box by actually WATCHING the video. had you just shut it off the instant that you realized what it was and confronted him about it you'd be in a much better position to come at this rationally. as it stands, you're going to be in that "shock" stage that comes with visualization of the past trysts of your SO. therefore, you're going to have to do your best to block out what you've seen and not draw comparisons to the other girl or worry about what was said during intimacy...whatever they had shared was THEIRS and should ideally be in the distant past for both of them. try and focus on your own past exploits and their relative unimportance. the real issue here, whether you had seen the video or just known of it, is whether the existence of the video in the first place is a problem, and whether the fact that he still has it is a problem. that is for you to decide...but do your best to focus on that instead of comparing intimate details.
You'reasian Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Is this the kind of man you wish to marry? I mean, really? Makes home-made porn, then belittles his ex as if she were a piece of meat. Not a gentleman, to be sure As others have said, it's the past, but past behavior is an indicator of future behavior... Excellent point. For the OP, consider what kind of relationship he was in, how long ago this was and where the two of you are now. I could understand if this was something that happened 2 years ago, but 2 months? Does he want to be in the kind of relationship you want to be in - obviously the freshness of this will speak for itself, consider other information about where he is in terms of your relationship. Your best bet is to forget about it if you can and move forward if you think he's worth it. If not, then you should consider whether you wish to stay in the relationship.
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