Feeling like a jo jo

[Mino]

Its almost going on 3 months my mm has moved in hs own place. The rollarcoaster feels like its getting faster..The problem, his guilt.. At first things where great, then he started withdrawing.. Said he needed some space. So I gave it to him.. No calling, no going over... He then starts calling me daily... Please come for dinner, I dont get it.. He needs space, I give it, then he calls, Its like I cant do it right..He id deprressed.. He does not talk much, does not laugh much, just very serious..He says his feelings are getting worse... The guilt towards his child... He see the child more then when he was home, he spends more quality time. I am at my wits end. Not knowing how to respond or support him anymore. I said if you feel this is a mistake go home... He says he does not want to go home, he is trying to deal with his guilt..How does a parent deal with this guilt. Going back makes no sense, there is no love from either him or bs. They did the mc, He seems stuckto me in a dark tunnel and cant figure out how to get out. I am sitting on the sidelines, and its painful to see..Any advice?

[Geishawhelk]

He has to go to IC, he has to sort his feelings out. You can be there for him, if you want to be, but you can't fix him. Only he can.

There are ways, but he's got to want to take them.

If he doesn't do something soon, he'll go nuts and take you with him.

Tell him he has to sort himself out - and go NC.

[Lizzie60]

I know how he feels.. I was the same when I left my first ex.. the freaken guilt.. I knew it was impossible to go back cause I didn't have any feeling for my ex.. I had reached the point of no return .. but seeing or imagining how my son was unhappy.. was soooo hard.

 

Dealing with the kids when divorcing is heart ripping..

 

I agree with Geik.. maybe therapy could help him.. but IMO.. this is like a heartbreak.. only time will heal the pain.

 

He probably has zillion of thoughts about his kid.. is he going to turn OK, is he missing his dad.. is he crying at night.. etc.. etc.. it is hard for the parent who leaves..

 

Just hang in there.. support him all you can.. there is not much you can do.. give him all the space he needs..

 

Oh ps: I think you meant 'yo - yo' hahaha

[wildsoul]

(((Mino)))

 

Hang in there girl. It sounds hard, but remember: it's a phase, not a permanent condition.

 

I've got no clue on the parenting issues, but I do know a bit about emotional processing. His healing is going to take as long as it takes.

 

You are asking him what he needs from you, which is good. Sometimes he needs closeness, other times distance. He's muddled. Allow for that to clear out as best you can. If he tells you he wants space, but then seeks closeness, I don't see anything wrong with being there for him if you are available.

 

However, try not to put your life on hold. If you've made other plans, but now he's changed his mind, keep your other plans. That will gently let him know that his moods don't rule your life. But still be sensitive to him.

 

What about you? What are your needs?

 

Let's assume that he can't control how muddled his feelings are, and that he is going to be on the rollercoaster a bit longer before he can fully be there for you. But are there things he CAN do for you? For example, maybe you can tell him that you are trying to be patient through his separation, but that you feel like your R is taking too much of a back seat. Can you have a weekend away (or a day-long date) where talking about the D and/or your R with him is off limits? Have some fun. Or maybe you need him to give you some TLC--dinner, a massage, some reassurances.

 

If it's getting a little too off balance, maybe you can gently remind him you have needs too, without demanding he be 100%. It sounds like he doesn't have 100% to give. But if you can get 100% for a day, or 80% for a weekend, that might cheer you up again. Tell him that you're like a car, and want to go the distance with him, but the D stuff is draining sometimes and you want some love/attention so you can stay positive while he sorts his stuff out.

[whichwayisup]

maybe you can gently remind him you have needs too, without demanding he be 100%. It sounds like he doesn't have 100% to give

 

By doing this, she's putting herself in the line of fire, especially since he's the one who's asked for more space, and has shut down emotionally. Sorry, asking him, even gently to meet some of her needs WILL make him run the other way. He can't handle it right now, he has NOTHING to give to her, let alone to himself. He's barely functioning, and all his energy and focus is on his child.

 

Mino, sooner or later you need to take full control here and tell him, "I am giving you 3-6 months to sort this out. Do counselling, try your best to make things better, and then we'll talk again in afew months to see where we're at." I'm not saying you go full on NC with him, but you need to really back off and let him do his thing. Maybe you saying no to him when he asks you to come over, WILL make him want to work harder on fixing himself, and settling this situation with his wife once and for all.

[Reggie]

Perhaps he needs to apologize to his ex for hurting her with an affair. There really was no need to inflict this wound with divorce so readily available. If he has a conscience, this will eat at him until he owns what he did.

[wildsoul]

Perhaps he needs to apologize to his ex for hurting her with an affair. There really was no need to inflict this wound with divorce so readily available. If he has a conscience, this will eat at him until he owns what he did.

You might be on to something Reggie.

I don't think it's up to Mino to suggest that, but you make an excellent point. That could be why he can't move on, and it might not be all that conscious, as the fear of confessing is strong too.

[GreenEyedLady]

What exactly does he feel guilty about? About his child not having 2 parents in the same household raise him? He needs to get to the bottom of what it actually is that he's guilty about.

[Mino]

Wow guys... thank you for all your support.. I did kinda break it off 6 days ago, told him to call me when he is a healthly person, who can give love back...That I dont mind being supportive, but I need some support back..He is going to Ic again this week, Therapist recommeded that he NOT see me at all....Needs time. But it seems he cant do it either. I left him alone, he calls and asks if I can come over for dinner. I said no all week. Finally I cracked, went, not much talking, ate and watched a movie.. Today he is withdrawn again

[Lizzie60]

Wow guys... thank you for all your support.. I did kinda break it off 6 days ago, told him to call me when he is a healthly person, who can give love back...That I dont mind being supportive, but I need some support back..He is going to Ic again this week, Therapist recommeded that he NOT see me at all....Needs time. But it seems he cant do it either. I left him alone, he calls and asks if I can come over for dinner. I said no all week. Finally I cracked, went, not much talking, ate and watched a movie.. Today he is withdrawn again

 

 

Oh wow.. you have waaayyy more patience than I do..

[Mino]

Perhaps he needs to apologize to his ex for hurting her with an affair. There really was no need to inflict this wound with divorce so readily available. If he has a conscience, this will eat at him until he owns what he did.

Reggie an apology is an excellent idea.. But difficult when two cannot talk.. Maybe I mention that to him though.

[Mino]

What exactly does he feel guilty about? About his child not having 2 parents in the same household raise him? He needs to get to the bottom of what it actually is that he's guilty about.

You know Gel, he says because of the child... but i do wonder what other issues their may be.. He says he is fighting his demons... He is spending several hours a day with the child doing fun stuff. I think when he drops the child off, and the child cries he is hurting most..He also sid he its kinda of self punishment sitting alone, that he deserves no love or me..but then he calls to see if I want to sit with him,,,

[Mino]

By doing this, she's putting herself in the line of fire, especially since he's the one who's asked for more space, and has shut down emotionally. Sorry, asking him, even gently to meet some of her needs WILL make him run the other way. He can't handle it right now, he has NOTHING to give to her, let alone to himself. He's barely functioning, and all his energy and focus is on his child.

 

Mino, sooner or later you need to take full control here and tell him, "I am giving you 3-6 months to sort this out. Do counselling, try your best to make things better, and then we'll talk again in afew months to see where we're at." I'm not saying you go full on NC with him, but you need to really back off and let him do his thing. Maybe you saying no to him when he asks you to come over, WILL make him want to work harder on fixing himself, and settling this situation with his wife once and for all.

Hi wwiup! I had been doing like you said, pulled back completely... When he called, I said no... He kept calling even though I said no yesterday and the days before. Finally I went...Its like damn if I do, damn if I dont...All he says is the guilt is getting worse, and he looks sooooooo depressed:(

[Mino]

I know how he feels.. I was the same when I left my first ex.. the freaken guilt.. I knew it was impossible to go back cause I didn't have any feeling for my ex.. I had reached the point of no return .. but seeing or imagining how my son was unhappy.. was soooo hard.

 

Dealing with the kids when divorcing is heart ripping..

 

I agree with Geik.. maybe therapy could help him.. but IMO.. this is like a heartbreak.. only time will heal the pain.

 

He probably has zillion of thoughts about his kid.. is he going to turn OK, is he missing his dad.. is he crying at night.. etc.. etc.. it is hard for the parent who leaves..

 

Just hang in there.. support him all you can.. there is not much you can do.. give him all the space he needs..

 

Oh ps: I think you meant 'yo - yo' hahaha

Hi Lizzie!Your right I meant yo yo...lol It takes alot of patience... your right.. Thats one thing I have learned in 4 years, before I had none...He is going to ic, took a break for awhile, but going this week... Hopefully your right on time healing pain...

[Lizzie60]

The danger here is that you will eventually get dragged in his mess and get depressed and sad...

 

Stay away for a while.. let him sort his stuff out.. don't allow him to use you as his 'therapist'...

 

This could be 'draining' for you..

[Mino]

(((Mino)))

 

Hang in there girl. It sounds hard, but remember: it's a phase, not a permanent condition.

 

I've got no clue on the parenting issues, but I do know a bit about emotional processing. His healing is going to take as long as it takes.

 

You are asking him what he needs from you, which is good. Sometimes he needs closeness, other times distance. He's muddled. Allow for that to clear out as best you can. If he tells you he wants space, but then seeks closeness, I don't see anything wrong with being there for him if you are available.

 

However, try not to put your life on hold. If you've made other plans, but now he's changed his mind, keep your other plans. That will gently let him know that his moods don't rule your life. But still be sensitive to him.

 

What about you? What are your needs?

 

Let's assume that he can't control how muddled his feelings are, and that he is going to be on the rollercoaster a bit longer before he can fully be there for you. But are there things he CAN do for you? For example, maybe you can tell him that you are trying to be patient through his separation, but that you feel like your R is taking too much of a back seat. Can you have a weekend away (or a day-long date) where talking about the D and/or your R with him is off limits? Have some fun. Or maybe you need him to give you some TLC--dinner, a massage, some reassurances.

 

If it's getting a little too off balance, maybe you can gently remind him you have needs too, without demanding he be 100%. It sounds like he doesn't have 100% to give. But if you can get 100% for a day, or 80% for a weekend, that might cheer you up again. Tell him that you're like a car, and want to go the distance with him, but the D stuff is draining sometimes and you want some love/attention so you can stay positive while he sorts his stuff out.

Hi wildsoul, wwisup is right... their is no gentle way of asking... I tried that route..He only withdraws more..He says he needs space to deal with himself..So any "needs" I have seem not to matter or overwelmhim..

[whichwayisup]

Hi wwiup! I had been doing like you said, pulled back completely... When he called, I said no... He kept calling even though I said no yesterday and the days before. Finally I went...Its like damn if I do, damn if I dont...All he says is the guilt is getting worse, and he looks sooooooo depressed

 

And he knows that if he cries, pouts abit, you'll cave and come to him. See, he doesn't realize what pain HE is causing you! He wants, he wants, he wants! Yet, when you want something from him, he closes the door and it seems he doesn't care that it's killing you. I'm not sayin slam the door in his face but next time he does call and ask you to come over, just tell him, "I can't handle this. You know how down and depressed you've been feeling, shutting me out and wanting to be alone? Well, that's exactly how I feel and I expect YOU of all people to understand that. Give ME time too, you can't expect me to come running every time you snap your fingers, especially when I want to see you and you tell me no."

 

He can't have it both ways. In all honesty, maybe his T is right.. Tell him, call me in 2 months, we need to do complete NC - NO calls, no emails, no texts - Nothing. After those 2 months, we'll talk and see what shape we're in..

 

Just a suggestion.

[GreenEyedLady]

Mino,

 

Maybe he can't really be happy with anyone and sabotages his happiness. Regardless, that's his issue.

 

Your issue is taking care of yourself. You're letting him continue to hurt you. If it is meant to be, it will work itself out. But you need to say that you won't let him hurt you anymore. He isn't any good as a partner to you broken. And he's broken right now. The thing is, no one can fix him but him.

 

GEL

[81West]

This situation makes me think of Nancy Regan. She once said about her own enduring love story "Marriage is never 50-50. One of you is always giving more, always compromising. And we've both done our share of compromising in these 50 years."

 

I think he needs you more than you need him right now. The last thing he needs to feel is like he's failing you as well as everybody else. Men are problem solvers and are legendary for retreating into themselves when they are trying to solve a problem. You've got nothing to lose by letting him set the pace right now and by responding with love whenever he asks you to spend time, even if it's just to sit in near silence over dinner.

 

We're afraid to be vulnerable as women because we can be so devastated by men. You're probably afraid to set a bad tone, and bad precedents for his treatment of you. But you're the one with enough strength and clarity for two right now, not him. Demanding nothing of him when he has nothing is an indication of strength and faith, not something submissive and self limiting.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Mino,

 

Maybe he can't really be happy with anyone and sabotages his happiness. Regardless, that's his issue.

 

Your issue is taking care of yourself. You're letting him continue to hurt you. If it is meant to be, it will work itself out. But you need to say that you won't let him hurt you anymore. He isn't any good as a partner to you broken. And he's broken right now. The thing is, no one can fix him but him.

 

GEL

 

I've got agree with GEL here Mino. You didn't sign up for broken. If he wants a relationship with you, he HAS to work on it no matter what he's going through.

 

He's doing the right thing in IC. I would tell him that you're supporting him by following the advice of his counsellor and backing off until he sees a light at the end of his miserable tunnel. Only he can find that. Andy by leaving him be, you're helping to show him the way.

 

Hugs (())

[mytruelove]

i feel for what you are going through hon. as i am going through the same thing and have for a long time.

 

i know the struggle my guy went through when he divorced and still goes through with his kids. it does get better with love and time i think, but never goes away - KWIM?

 

i think the best you can do is just be your loving wonderful self. do for yourself. it will drain you if you let it and there is absolutely nothing wrong with YOU refueling YOU when you need it. take time for yourself also. it is only then that you can fully be there for him too, otherwise you lose a self of yourself and who you are i think.

 

it is ,however, something that he has to go through on his own. you cannot rescue him and he needs to feel that you have confindence in him to solve this all on his own. i know myself when my guy is in a "mood" i listen and not to react. i will walk away when he is in this type of mood - in a loving way - with a hug and kiss. he will always come back with an apology and we will be closer.

 

you know i don't have all the answers. i need help dealing with it too-lol- it sounds like i'm offering advice, but really it's just what i've experienced. hope it helps in some way.

 

hang in there hon