bhweller Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I met a woman in April 08 and we have been dating since May 08. I am Almost 39 and she is almost 34. I got out of a 4 yr relationship and I was supposed to be married to her in feb of this year but we broke up. She got divorced from a 12 yr. marriage about 18 months ago, moved to my state, and started dating every guy on the internet ( yeah exageration, but not that much ) I have never really felt totally secure in this relationship although I have enjoyed it immensely, especially the sex. I have thought about it and its mostly a problem with me and not her, although she has a recent history of maintaining multiple casual relationships which makes me afraid she doesn't take "us" seriously. I moved most of my stuff out of her apartment 2 days ago as a way of pulling back. Last night I told her straight up about my emotional difficulties and apologized for acting insecure. We had ice cream and watched a movie at her place. She acted/talked a bit reassuring and kissed me but no sex and I did not sleep over. The very encouraging thing is she told me my fears were all in my head and I needed to stop getting angry over things like a guy posting a sexy message on her myspace. I think she is about as honest as most women, although I have been burned so I'm not all that trusting. I worry that she is no longer a "one man woman" although she was one for 12 yrs. I think she is considering her options. She maintains online dating accounts and stays in touch with guys she has dated using Myspace and yahoo messenger. To be fair I must admit I have done the same thing, but only out of fear that I would be alone and need a date sometime. She has mentioned how her friends just go out and get drunk and get laid with "young cute guys" and I wonder why she tells me this.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 The relationship is not worth saving. She's easily influenced by her so- called friends with their boytoys and by the various communications she has with strangers online. You're also insecure about the relationship and the only thing that's maintaining the status quo was the sex you claim to be enjoyable. Of course she was a one-man woman, but that was when she was married. Now that she's divorced, she's realizing how much of her life she's wasted on her ex, and she's trying to relive her prime years. You can't expect to keep her to yourself since it's apparent her heart isn't with you. Staying with her any longer yourself, would only result in breaking up in the future. She'll most likely won't get married again any time soon, and you're the type to want to settle down in the near future. You'll want a family, but she'll probably want a boy toy to satisfy her. All in all, you're disposable in her eyes.
konfuzd Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Does her myspace account show she's in a relationship, or is she still broadcasting herself as single? I kept in touch with most guys I met online that I had previously dated, but I'd say 8 times out of 10, as soon as I changed my status to 'in a relationship', they stopped contacting me. I guess that's proof of the true nature of our "Friendship". So, yeah I think it sounds a bit shady for her to insist on maintaining constant contact with these people. You need to let her know exactly what you find acceptable, and if she's not willing to meet your terms then I'd say it's time to ditch her and reactivate your dating profile.
Author bhweller Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Her myspace account says "divorced". Her online dating account says "i'm off the market". She deleted the risque messages from guys from her myspace page after I complained about them. She argued with me about that but she deleted them anyway. There is something else which is in her favor that I did not mention, which is she gave me a key to her apartment about a month ago. As far as I know only her mother and I have a key.
Lauriebell82 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Her myspace account says "divorced". Her online dating account says "i'm off the market". She deleted the risque messages from guys from her myspace page after I complained about them. She argued with me about that but she deleted them anyway. There is something else which is in her favor that I did not mention, which is she gave me a key to her apartment about a month ago. As far as I know only her mother and I have a key. Okay, what is the issue you are struggling with then?
Shygirl15 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 It appears that she probably see you as a potential long-term relationship material, but is not ready to settle yet (i.e. her status on MySpace and ads on online dating sites). Considering she's coming out of divorce, it looks like she wants to explore around a bit, but at the same time keep you around, to make herself feel secure. People who come out of divorces and not always keen to settle for serious relationships, until after a while.
Author bhweller Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Okay, what is the issue you are struggling with then? I guess the issue boils down to what my attitude towards this situation should be. If I really had decided what to do I wouldn't be feeling this way and posting all this stuff on the internet. I appreciate the feedback from everyone, especially women. I'm trying to figure out my options. 1. End it now and jump back into the dating game unhindered. 2. try to have some sort of open dating relationship. 3. Stay with her, but back off my attention\time spent with her. If it doesn't get more serious on its own in a few months, then end it. 4. Try to push the relationship forward. Start talking about long term committment and love. If there are other options, please post them.
Shygirl15 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I'm trying to figure out my options. 1. End it now and jump back into the dating game unhindered. 2. try to have some sort of open dating relationship. 3. Stay with her, but back off my attention\time spent with her. If it doesn't get more serious on its own in a few months, then end it. 4. Try to push the relationship forward. Start talking about long term committment and love. If there are other options, please post them. You will need only ONE in the end..
AriaIncognito Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Just as an FYI - online "relationship status" means nothing, at least not to me. I've been in a committed relationship now for 8 months, but I've found in the past that every time I updated that stupid status to in a relationship, I'd be broken up with. now, I've not touched it. It's remained at single. I am however, very taken. If you want to know where you stand with someone, ask them. Don't rely on online means.
Author bhweller Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 I'm trying to figure out my options. 1. End it now and jump back into the dating game unhindered. 2. try to have some sort of open dating relationship. 3. Stay with her, but back off my attention\time spent with her. If it doesn't get more serious on its own in a few months, then end it. 4. Try to push the relationship forward. Start talking about long term committment and love. If there are other options, please post them. I'm leaning towards 2 or 3 right now. #1 feels like quitting although one person I know has told me to dump her. #2 just doesn't fit my personality or my desires and if she agrees to it then she was probably going to be gone anyway. #3 I can do but it will take some effort. #4 just doesn't feel right in this situation, because if she is already leaning away then that would push her away harder.
Author bhweller Posted October 22, 2008 Author Posted October 22, 2008 If you want to know where you stand with someone, ask them. Don't rely on online means. Well I mused about it for a day and decided just to ask some point blank questions. She flat out said that she is happy in our relationship. I also asked her if she had any interest in dating other people and she said no, and she said it fast
Author bhweller Posted October 23, 2008 Author Posted October 23, 2008 I have since realized that it was risky to ask those point blank questions. However it appears that i got away with it this time.
Author bhweller Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 its over as of a couple hours ago. the "negative" posts were pretty much correct regarding this situation.
Author bhweller Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 i wanted to think it was real. the very first answer to this thread was right on the money.
movingonandon Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 The relationship is not worth saving. She's easily influenced by her so- called friends with their boytoys and by the various communications she has with strangers online. You're also insecure about the relationship and the only thing that's maintaining the status quo was the sex you claim to be enjoyable. Of course she was a one-man woman, but that was when she was married. Now that she's divorced, she's realizing how much of her life she's wasted on her ex, and she's trying to relive her prime years. You can't expect to keep her to yourself since it's apparent her heart isn't with you. Staying with her any longer yourself, would only result in breaking up in the future. She'll most likely won't get married again any time soon, and you're the type to want to settle down in the near future. You'll want a family, but she'll probably want a boy toy to satisfy her. All in all, you're disposable in her eyes. I wish somebody could tell all these things to my current *girlfriend*. She's great, but I'm recently out of a loooong relationship and while I don't feel compelled to "make up for lost time", i'm having serious doubts that I've ever really loved somebody or I could love somebody. Hence, I'm just enjoying her company without necessarily expecting, or even wanting anything more, while she seems to be getting attached, like this here guy (the OP). She could have written the same post, including the good sex part (and no, I don't need the validation; I'm just pissed at my tentativeness and possibly wasting a good girl's time).
Author bhweller Posted January 5, 2009 Author Posted January 5, 2009 well even the sex went downhill over the past couple weeks. her attitude changed a lot around thanksgiving when we went separate ways for the holiday. i found out she went out partying while i was out of town and didn't tell me about it. still around christmas she was parading me to her family as her boyfriend. we were together on new years eve and didn't have an argument.
movingonandon Posted January 5, 2009 Posted January 5, 2009 well even the sex went downhill over the past couple weeks. her attitude changed a lot around thanksgiving when we went separate ways for the holiday. i found out she went out partying while i was out of town and didn't tell me about it. still around christmas she was parading me to her family as her boyfriend. we were together on new years eve and didn't have an argument. The only thing you can do is pull back slowly and see if she decides to come closer/repair things. In the meantime, start shopping around...
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