hanginthere Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Okay, I was not sure what to title this topic. I moved to a small town (60,000 people), I lived here for a little over 2 years now. I am recently divorced and new to the dating scene. I made friends with a few women here, one night I was out with a large group of friends and one of the women friends was dating 2 men at the same time, who were both sitting at our table. The one man walked into the restaurant late and the only seat left was by me. He sat next to me and we were talking, that is all talking. When he left to go to the bathroom my friend sat down next to me and threatened me, she said "if you hit on him or go after him, I will never talk with you again." I was shocked! I do not dress sluty, I do not have big boobs, I was not even dating at this point (having come off a marriage) and I was already sitting in my seat before he came in. This happened again at her house, we were having a girl nite there and she invited this man to the house (he was the only guy there). This time I was sitting across from him, he leaned over to crack a joke with me, and she went off on me. Even the women there stuck up for me. Then when I did start dating a guy who one of my other friends had a crush on 3 months prior to us dating and he told me he had told her that there was no interest. She never dated him or anything, he just hung out in the same group with us. In fact I never spoke to him while she had a crush on him. Well now that girlfriend is no longer friends with me. Okay, so now I have made another friend, and I confided in her and told the story about this prior friend who thought I was a boyfriend stealer. This friend is just coming out of a one year relationship. She was talking about a oldboyfriend that she dated 2 yrs prior (in a 3 month relationship) and saying how they were friends and had no interest in him (and in the past offered for me to meet him). So I said, hey you have to introduce me. Well that set her off, she said oh you can date him but you will no longer be friends with me. Then she said you do not want to F*** with me! Then she threw it in my face about the "boyfriend stealer" comment??? I was again shocked by this whole conversation. I normally do not react to something unless it is happening not presumed happenings. I think a more tactful way of saying this could have been, that would make me feel uncomfortable for me to introduce you to him. Not sure if this is ALL me creating these situations and how I am creating these situations?? Again I am not slutty, I dress conservative, I do not sleep around, and no big boobs. Did I mention that we are all in our 40s??
Author hanginthere Posted October 20, 2008 Author Posted October 20, 2008 I know that this is a boring topic...but can I get a reply and opinion???
Ronni_W Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 That's a bit of a tough one. I think that I would settle on trying to find men totally outside of this circle of "friends". Whether or not you actually, consciously do anything to entice the men, these women sound as if they have preconceived notions about who/what you are, and are gonna judge you on that, anyway. It may not be "fair" (in my mind it isn't), but that is the reality of hanging out with these "friends". I'm guessing it will be easier to find "outside" men than to make new women "friends". But personally I'd just do whatever is easiest and will take least effort on my Self and my resources. If at all possible, I'd dump the women, though. They sound catty and competitive and just plain immature, to me. Almost as if I'd prefer to have no "friends" at all.
All Star Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 You might be doing something that you are unaware of. Everyone can't be crazy. the common demoninator here is you.
jane2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I do think that in this situation: "Then when I did start dating a guy who one of my other friends had a crush on 3 months prior to us dating and he told me he had told her that there was no interest. She never dated him or anything, he just hung out in the same group with us. In fact I never spoke to him while she had a crush on him. Well now that girlfriend is no longer friends with me." that you acted unfairly. It's an unspoken rule that you do NOT date your friends exes or even crushes, so...I can see why that girl is no longer friends with you. In terms of the other two thing, here's a few things I can think of: -you are sending out signals that you aren't aware of: I had (she was psycho in many other ways) a friend I got rid of, part of it was she would shamelessly flirt with guys I liked, my boyfriend when we started dating...and was convinced every single guy that ever talked to her was in love with her. She played dumb when I talked to her about flirting, either she wasn't aware she was like that, or she was lying. Maybe you're doing something you don't notice - flipping your hair, giggling...I don't know. -your friends are very insecure about their dates. -you're very attractive and they worry that their date will like you because you're good looking. I would say the only thing to do is ask these women honestly: what vibe do I "give off" that makes you worry I will steal your man? Otherwise, you can dissect and analyze the situation but I don't think you'll find an answer.
Mary3 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 You are either incredibly hot looking and very intimidating to your female friends because 2 of them have yelled at you for trying to steal someone they liked ! That either means you are quite a beauty and your friends are so so looking ( and maybe you like that way ) so when you feel like making a move on someone ( maybe you don't realize how obvious it is ) but the fact is , your 2 friends are ANGRY at you ! Why ? ( Or your friends could be equally pretty , then its more territory war ) I have never made a move on a girlfriends guy , whether she gave me permission to or not , because its just not right , in case that friend still has feelings for that guy.... Friends just don't go there. Not bashing you. What do you think it really is all about ?
AMB3R Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 What is this highschool? Were girls are staking their claim on men. First of all, the first lady that had two dates on one night, had no right to be like that. SHE HAD TWO DATES THERE! Who does that? Be happy that she isnt your friend. And that last girl, who offered her EX and took it back, well always be careful with the EX card. If I were you and a friend offered that, I just plain wouldnt except!
vintagecat Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Heres the deal: If after get togethers/parties your friends' significant others randomly tell them in the late evening play by play afterward, "Damn your friend X is hot!" or some other sophomoric and thoughtless comment that some guys are prone to making when their verbal editing functions have misfired under the influence of alcohol or party atmosphere, then you will soon be unwelcome or viewed with suspicion by the women in your circle. Certainly you can't help it if you might be very attractive to men or perhaps more attractive than your friends, but you can absolutely become aware of and tone down any signals that you might send out and you can also find friends who's attractiveness is roughly equal to your own so that you aren't so much of a threat to the stability of their relationships and such a potential "hot ticket" with exes, who in some cases are likely hoped to not be ex in the future, if you know what I mean. Look for imbalances in the attractiveness levels in your friendship with women and look closely at your body language in social situations especially in how it relates to both available and unavailable men if you value your relationship with these women. You might be surprised with what you find. In some ways though, it's all silly. If these men were worth hanging onto, they wouldn't need to jealously stake them out like lions over meat at a kill. But if I were concerned that a woman friend or acquaintance was hovering too close for comfort to my husband, I'd distance the relationship and find reasons not to get together rather than get into it with her. If this too is happening mysteriously with some of your female friends, then you can probably conclude that it's something that you are doing or signals you might be sending of a "come and get me" or "rescue me" nature that you are sending causing domestic unease with your friends. I would advise firstly self awareness and secondly a better class of friends.
Author hanginthere Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 Thanks for all of the advise. What I have learned from everyone here is to be more aware of the people around me and tone it down a little. I do agree that with the friend that had a crush on the guy for 3 months, I should've talked to her myself and not in trusted the guy to do it. But in my defense I was out of the dating scene for 11 yrs! No, I do not think I am drop dead gorgeous I do get compliments, but I am one of those people who just do not think I am all that. I am very easy to approach and will talk to anyone...to a fault I guess. I know my league, of course...but I am shot down at times by guys as well. I have gone out with guys 20 yrs my junior and everyone guesses my age to be somewhere between 28-33, so I guess I am hanging in there. Dating...UGH!!
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