Caliguy: In a pickle here...

[CaliGuy]

I didn't say anything about hanky panky. You are blasting full speed ahead emotionally. Even so, the physical will not lag far behind.

 

Unless you're saying that you are going to have nice platonic getting-to-know-you-dinners for the next 2-3 months?

 

That's the plan. In order to get to know one another, we need to hang out. It's not an offical date. It's just hanging out. I don't know that there is an offical "time" that has to pass. She has to be over him emotionally and until I am sure of that, nothing is going anywhere.

 

[

That's called a date, not taking it slow.

 

Warning! Warning! Transition guy! Warning!

 

Thanks for the warning. I know what I am doing and how I am going to handle this. As I said, we had a nice talk today and are in agreement that neither of us are in a rush.

 

Cheers.

[Touche]

Cheers!

 

..............

[2sunny]

wow guys - no need to be so harsh! sheez...

 

CG-

 

i wouldn't recommend spending any alone time with her for a long while. she will be riding an emotional roller coaster for a bit of time and for you to go along for the ride will only put a healthy future in jeopardy. you just volunteered to be a passenger. i don't see how it would benefit either one of you right now... unless you just want her to cry on your shoulder or listen to her complain in her own pity party for now. what you will get from her if you are together now will be a lot of negativity from her failed relationship. not a fun way to get started.

 

healthier approach? back away for a long while. she has BAGGAGE she needs to sort through and throw out. let her do all the sorting of the crap with her girlfriends or family. when she's finished complaining and more settled on her own (independent and clear minded) is when you should step forward for some nice time together. slooow down... she's not going anywhere - ya know?

[CaliGuy]

wow guys - no need to be so harsh! sheez...

 

CG-

 

i wouldn't recommend spending any alone time with her for a long while. she will be riding an emotional roller coaster for a bit of time and for you to go along for the ride will only put a healthy future in jeopardy. you just volunteered to be a passenger. i don't see how it would benefit either one of you right now... unless you just want her to cry on your shoulder or listen to her complain in her own pity party for now. what you will get from her if you are together now will be a lot of negativity from her failed relationship. not a fun way to get started.

 

healthier approach? back away for a long while. she has BAGGAGE she needs to sort through and throw out. let her do all the sorting of the crap with her girlfriends or family. when she's finished complaining and more settled on her own (independent and clear minded) is when you should step forward for some nice time together. slooow down... she's not going anywhere - ya know?

 

We're meeting at the place for dinner to chat. I'm not picking her up here, she's not coming to my place.

 

I know what you're saying, but she doesn't appear as broken up about the breakup. Probably due to the fact she had been mentally pulling away from this guy for some time.

 

Her and I don't talk about him much if at all and so far she isn't looking for a shoulder to cry on.

 

But I hear ya. We're hanging out as friends and that's it. Nothing more. Yes, there is a mutual interest but we're also both acutely aware of the situation and are that is the forefront of both of our minds.

[norajane]

We're meeting at the place for dinner to chat. I'm not picking her up here, she's not coming to my place.

 

I know what you're saying, but she doesn't appear as broken up about the breakup. Probably due to the fact she had been mentally pulling away from this guy for some time.

 

Her and I don't talk about him much if at all and so far she isn't looking for a shoulder to cry on.

 

But I hear ya. We're hanging out as friends and that's it. Nothing more. Yes, there is a mutual interest but we're also both acutely aware of the situation and are that is the forefront of both of our minds.

 

I know you keep saying that, so I'm going to keep saying: been there, done that! And here's the benefit of my experience:

 

Regardless of whether she has been pulling away from him for a while and is detached or not, she needs to be on her own to really sort out her head. She hasn't done that yet, and it's very important that she be on her OWN without a man, for a while.

 

However, she now knows (because you confirmed it very clearly during your nice conversation) that you are waiting in the wings for her. Thus, she is not on her "own". She has you, and that negates her feeling alone.

 

She needs to feel alone, so as to be certain that she is done with her fiancee, AND so she has time to know herself as she is when on her own so she can figure out what is important to her in a relationship and a man. By making it clear you are interested, she is now less likely to be introspective and to give some thought to HER part in her failed relationship...to date she's been thinking about how HE is isn't right for her, but not about HER actions, reactions, behaviors in a relationship.

 

When I suggest giving her time to sort it out, I don't mean taking her out to dinner a week after she breaks up with her fiancee. You aren't giving her any time to GROW as a human being.

[carhill]

When I suggest giving her time to sort it out, I don't mean taking her out to dinner a week after she breaks up with her fiancee. You aren't giving her any time to GROW as a human being.

 

I concur. Alone time is very important. IMO, CG, if you were in her life to be a true friend and not romantic interest (and that was your thought and emotional process at the most basic level), sushi dinners (nice choice BTW ) every week are great. It's not the action that defines the dynamic, it's your intent. Tell me you do not and have not had sexual thoughts about her If you can't say that, then you're not in this for friendship and your intent is romantic.

 

You'll do what you'll do and I hope it works out for you, and for her

[CaliGuy]

I know you keep saying that, so I'm going to keep saying: been there, done that! And here's the benefit of my experience:

 

Regardless of whether she has been pulling away from him for a while and is detached or not, she needs to be on her own to really sort out her head. She hasn't done that yet, and it's very important that she be on her OWN without a man, for a while.

 

However, she now knows (because you confirmed it very clearly during your nice conversation) that you are waiting in the wings for her. Thus, she is not on her "own". She has you, and that negates her feeling alone.

 

I agree with most of this except the "waiting in the wings" part. She knows the interest is there, but I was also explicit in the fact that I am not a "wait around" kind of guy. That if she was interested in me (and she is) she needed time to herself to sort her feelings out.

 

She needs to feel alone, so as to be certain that she is done with her fiancee, AND so she has time to know herself as she is when on her own so she can figure out what is important to her in a relationship and a man. By making it clear you are interested, she is now less likely to be introspective and to give some thought to HER part in her failed relationship...to date she's been thinking about how HE is isn't right for her, but not about HER actions, reactions, behaviors in a relationship.

 

I agree.

 

When I suggest giving her time to sort it out, I don't mean taking her out to dinner a week after she breaks up with her fiancee. You aren't giving her any time to GROW as a human being.

 

She asked me to dinner. She wants to get to get know me as a friend and that is what I told her as well. I don't see why hanging out and chatting on neutral soil is a bad idea as long as it's not a romantic date and that's not the intent of either of us.

 

I concur. Alone time is very important. IMO, CG, if you were in her life to be a true friend and not romantic interest (and that was your thought and emotional process at the most basic level), sushi dinners (nice choice BTW ) every week are great. It's not the action that defines the dynamic, it's your intent. Tell me you do not and have not had sexual thoughts about her If you can't say that, then you're not in this for friendship and your intent is romantic.

 

You'll do what you'll do and I hope it works out for you, and for her

 

Well there has always been a romantic interest but I don't think about her sexually, TBH. She just has a really great personality and that's what is what the most attractive thing about her to me is.

 

The dinner thing is simply for us to hang out, as friends and get to know one another.

 

The main point I want to get across is this. She is the one who is suggesting hang outs. I've made it clear that under no circumstances will I be the "rebound" guy. That I wanted to take my time to really get to know her before anything happens between us.

 

For us to get to know one another, we DO have to hang out occasionally. The dinner thing isn't planned on a schedule.

 

Look I know that you guys have experienced this before and trust me, if the red flags were going off, I would be doing exactly what you say. I just don't see them (and granted, when you meet someone new often times the red flags are more subtle than we realize). But my guard is up. I'm definitely not putting all my eggs in this basket so to speak.

 

But clearly, there is mutual interest from both sides. Finding someone like her, who I find intriguing and attractive on all levels, isn't easy for me. And while I agree that things need to go slowly, I don't know that completely staying away from her for 6 months is also the right thing to do as well.

 

In other words, I don't agree that a certain time period is set in stone. When the time is right, we'll both know.

[carhill]

Well there has always been a romantic interest but I don't think about her sexually, TBH.

 

I've worked through this. It'll make your feet sweat

 

Let's take it one step further. Would you be jealous if you were to discover (or she told you) that she was working things out with her fiance? I don't mean pervasively jealous, but your first instinctual reaction? You know exactly what I mean.

 

If you can honestly say that your first reaction would be one of happiness for her happiness and good fortune, then you have my blessing for all the sushi dinners you'd otherwise want

[2sunny]

well i still stand by my earlier assessment that she needs that dreaded alone time to MENTALLY process her role in the failed relationship. it would be to easy for her to avoid it by reeling in your physical presence to distract herself from dealing with the reality of what she needs to face.

 

that is exactly what she is doing by asking YOU out! why isn't she waiting for YOU to ask HER out?

 

BTW, you are capable of saying no! NO would be the more mature answer for a bit of time (however long that may be).

 

she is avoiding the healing process by asking you to be around her. back to earlier again - NEEDY gal. what's wrong with her being alone?

 

is a man's validation worth giving up a healthy aspect?

[carhill]

she is avoiding the healing process by asking you to be around her. back to earlier again - NEEDY gal. what's wrong with her being alone?

 

I agree and think it would be very healthy for her to be alone. However, common sense tells me that, if she is as universally attractive as C_G says she is, he will be quickly replaced as her temporary ego-feed/distraction/whatever. He apparently is soliciting advice for his actions- what should he do? It sounds like he's trying to rationalize staying in contact as friends. He'll do what he'll do. I think he likes her, as much as a person as for her universal attractiveness, and is afraid if he doesn't keep his position in the conga line, he'll be "out". I don't think he trusts that the impression he's made on her will carry over time, time of her being alone and/or in the company of other men. Opinion?

[2sunny]

I agree and think it would be very healthy for her to be alone. However, common sense tells me that, if she is as universally attractive as C_G says she is, he will be quickly replaced as her temporary ego-feed/distraction/whatever. He apparently is soliciting advice for his actions- what should he do? It sounds like he's trying to rationalize staying in contact as friends. He'll do what he'll do. I think he likes her, as much as a person as for her universal attractiveness, and is afraid if he doesn't keep his position in the conga line, he'll be "out". I don't think he trusts that the impression he's made on her will carry over time, time of her being alone and/or in the company of other men. Opinion?

 

very true CH-

 

CG has professed over the past 3 years to be a man of faith. if his faith serves him well, he will back away for a bit and realize that if this is the gal that he's waited almost 40 years to spend some significant time with - then things will work out when she's in a healthy frame of mind.

 

if his insecurities (and hers, as well) force him before the time is right - then things could get pretty ugly.

[Art_Critic]

if his insecurities (and hers, as well) force him before the time is right - then things could get pretty ugly.

 

There is a flip side to this as well....

 

The time might be right at this very moment as well.. who is to really say.. Right now things have changed since he started this thread....

Carhill pointed out that he will be replaced if he doesn't date her...

 

If I was in CG's place I can tell you that I would be considering hitting it.. but with the expectations that it might not be the right move..

 

Waiting and doing nothing doesn't guarantee him anything.. the BF is gone.. the ring is gone and she wants to go out...

 

I agree that she is obviously gonna be needing some time to herself.. but she is also the one in control of herself... when I said to sit back and wait I wasn't considering that she was gonna dump her BF in a few days

 

Sometimes there is no better time than the present.. of course sometimes waiting also brings the best rewards.. who knows CG.. do what you want to.. there isn't a wrong or right way to go here anymore..

[whichwayisup]

Has she actually moved out or has he moved out yet? Just curious..

 

We're meeting later this week for dinner.

 

Start doing lunches. If you do dinners, you'll both be drinking and remember what happened last time...

[carhill]

I think the fiance is still very much in the picture. Just an instinct

[2sunny]

I think the fiance is still very much in the picture. Just an instinct

 

really? why? where is your evidence? or is that just you playing devil's advocate?

[johan]

I wouldn't go near her. She's trouble.

[Art_Critic]

really? why? where is your evidence? or is that just you playing devil's advocate?

 

Aren't we all really playing devils advocate when we say he should not go near her ?

 

I like carhill's track of thought.. the ex might still be in the picture.. or on the sidelines hearing from her that she needs time to date others.. but then that means death for him anyhow.. or at least that is what we tell people that come to LS when they hear it from their SO...

 

I think CG needs to really pay attention to what she wants from him that way he doesn't get hurt by her if he finds out later that she isn't going to give him what he is looking for...

 

Nothing wrong with going out and having fun with someone.. where it goes from there is all up to the parties involved and where they sit..

[carhill]

really? why? where is your evidence? or is that just you playing devil's advocate?

Just a lot of years of living. OP, how long was the engagement and how long did this lady know her fiance? My apologies if you've already answered this. IME, this lady is in the prime age range (28) for over-reaction to emotional situations. I envision a rubber band effect. Time will prove me right or wrong

[norajane]

really? why? where is your evidence? or is that just you playing devil's advocate?

 

When I ended my engagement, I moved out, and I was done, but HE was not. Thus followed months of calls, letters, and showing up at my door with flowers. He was not a bad person and I did care for him (enough to agree to marry him, at one point!), so I did not just slam the door or phone in his face. He needed closure, he needed to understand, he needed to be heard, and I needed to deal with the fall-out of my decision. Just because I was done, did not mean that seeing his pain didn't affect me and my emotions and my thoughts. I needed to process his actions and reactions, in addition to my own.

 

And the guy I dated during all this? Dumped...unappealing to me as soon as I had cleared my head and heart of the old relationship. Not only was he not the right guy for me in the long run, I only really liked him when we were out partying...guess why? I liked the distraction, and really didn't have much interest in him when I didn't need a distraction anymore but wanted a real relationship. NOT THAT I WAS CONSCIOUS OF THIS AT THE TIME! She may not be either, thus she sounds soooo sincere to CG.

 

You don't just end an engagement and jump into dating other people and expect a good, healthy outcome!!!

 

So, that's why I keep telling CG that he is only a transition guy for her right now. She still needs to transition from her engagement to being on her own without her fiancee to dating other people to developing a relationship with a new bf. If CG is afraid she'll date other guys if he steps back, better them than he! Let her get this out of her system, but not on his time and his dime. Any guys she dates right now is a rebound, and a crutch.

[whichwayisup]

really? why? where is your evidence? or is that just you playing devil's advocate?

 

Well, seeing as (from what I've read here) less than a week ago she hadn't broken it off with him and they were still living together - I highly doubt he's moved out and they're in NC mode already.

[Art_Critic]

Well, seeing as (from what I've read here) less than a week ago she hadn't broken it off with him and they were still living together - I highly doubt he's moved out and they're in NC mode already.

 

I read somewhere at least I thought I did that he did move out from her.. it seems there are a few posts missing or he edited it out so I can't find them

 

Can you clear that up CG ?.. did her ex move out ?.. I was posting with the impression that he had moved out...

If he has not then my advice is off and would need to be adjusted ...

[2sunny]

i think CG had said last night that the fiance had moved out.

 

several posts were deleted from last night... things got kind of heated there for about an hour, CG was called some nasty names. out of character for the one or two posters really...

[norajane]

When/IF the time is right, we'll go down that road. But she has a personal life to get in order and in the process, I am leaving her alone and living my life. I am not hanging out with her. Not this weekend and not anytime soon.

 

So what happened? A few days ago, you weren't going to hang out with her, and now you're planning to do exactly that at sushi dinner. That's why I just don't believe that you'll take the time away from her that's necessary to NOT be her rebound. You're too smitten.

[Mary3]

I know you keep saying that, so I'm going to keep saying: been there, done that! And here's the benefit of my experience:

 

Regardless of whether she has been pulling away from him for a while and is detached or not, she needs to be on her own to really sort out her head. She hasn't done that yet, and it's very important that she be on her OWN without a man, for a while.

 

However, she now knows (because you confirmed it very clearly during your nice conversation) that you are waiting in the wings for her. Thus, she is not on her "own". She has you, and that negates her feeling alone.

 

She needs to feel alone, so as to be certain that she is done with her fiancee, AND so she has time to know herself as she is when on her own so she can figure out what is important to her in a relationship and a man. By making it clear you are interested, she is now less likely to be introspective and to give some thought to HER part in her failed relationship...to date she's been thinking about how HE is isn't right for her, but not about HER actions, reactions, behaviors in a relationship.

 

When I suggest giving her time to sort it out, I don't mean taking her out to dinner a week after she breaks up with her fiancee. You aren't giving her any time to GROW as a human being.

 

Beautifull Spoken Nora ! CG This is like post # 233 regarding this woman ...I have to say you have all the earmarks of someone who is on the rebound by * hanging out * with you ...

 

When a woman says " I want to be your friend or I want to take it slow " To me it shows she is aware you like her but you are friendzoned. She may feel alot of things ( about her breakup or other matters ) and there you are...Every hug will be interpreted by you , every wink , every laugh.

 

Answer this next question honesty : You receive a call from her a week from now and she raves on and on about a gorgeous guy she met . She has had her fill of you and she met someone she WILL rush into the arms of and WILL make time and who is looking at a clock ? ( er taking it slow )

 

So the question is : How would that make you feel if she meets someone more amazing to her ?

 

Will you ( and are you ) still putting your eggs out there in different baskets and meeting other girls too ?

 

I know you think she's the one . Does she think that too ?

[johan]

In a matter of weeks she will announce that she is not ready for anything serious. The guilt will cause her to become distant and her feelings and attraction for Caliguy will diminish. At the same time she will begin seeing others.