Caliguy: In a pickle here...

[CaliGuy]

Just a quick update.

 

Saw her at the gym today. She wasn't there Weds or Friday. We chatted a bit. I basically took the road that Art and a few others suggested. I found this nugget interesting...

 

She gave him the ring back.

 

She stopped short of saying it was completely over, but I didn't press her for info. We chatted about the kiss, I apologized and told her it wasn't cool of me to do that. She said it was OK and that we both had too much to drink. She invited me to hang out with her this weekend to a costume party and that we'd get in touch later.

 

Look, I am not banking on us being a couple but we did chat and I told her I didn't want to be the rebound guy and that if there is something to happen, it will happen over time. That there's no pressure on her end or mine. She agreed, we smiled a lot. I mean overall it was a good conversation.

 

If things work out for us, great. If not, no big deal. I'm not hurting for dates ATM

 

Art, good advice man. Leaving her alone to sort out her problems was the best adivce. She's working on it now and knows that until she sorts her feelings out and completely pulls away from this guy, she won't be ready for the next relationship.

 

In the meantime, I'm gonna relax and just have fun

[johan]

I'm not hurting for dates ATM

 

They couldn't be quality ones or you wouldn't be giving this girl much thought.

 

In the meantime, I'm gonna relax and just have fun

 

You should just put that in your signature.

[CaliGuy]

They couldn't be quality ones or you wouldn't be giving this girl much thought.

 

They're ok, but not quite on that next level. Plus they are new. I've known her for over a year now and we get along really well.

 

You should just put that in your signature.

 

Nah, I like the doormat one better

[2sunny]

i would recommend passing on her invitation to the Halloween party.

 

sounds like an evening out like the last one - and you need to give her time to sort through her $hit and see evidence that it is indeed over - for good - with her fiance.

 

i'm sure her emotions will continue to be all over the place for a while... give her plenty of time after she finishes to start something up...

 

she will continue to ask you to join her and her group... seems a bit needy to me though...

 

she needs some alone time to process for a healthy outcome.

[CaliGuy]

i would recommend passing on her invitation to the Halloween party.

 

sounds like an evening out like the last one - and you need to give her time to sort through her $hit and see evidence that it is indeed over - for good - with her fiance.

 

i'm sure her emotions will continue to be all over the place for a while... give her plenty of time after she finishes to start something up...

 

she will continue to ask you to join her and her group... seems a bit needy to me though...

 

she needs some alone time to process for a healthy outcome.

 

I understand that thought process but at the same time if I continue to decline invitations wouldn't that be interpreted as no interest from me?

[2sunny]

I understand that thought process but at the same time if I continue to decline invitations wouldn't that be interpreted as no interest from me?

 

not if you're honest with her...

 

to jump from one relationship where she was intending to get married - directly to you would only mean that you're going to end up dealing with the crap from her failed engagement.

 

if you want her that soon - that's what you'll get.

 

if you wait until she has had time to process and heal - that would be a healthier way to begin with her.

 

you've waited this long - wise choice to wait a bit longer.

 

as long as you allow her to understand your intentions and reasons, i would think she would view that as the more mature approach to long term intentions. you will also get a clear understanding of just how needy she may be. if she can't go a minute without a man - that's a red flag... if she waits for YOU and doesn't date others between now and then - that's a better, more mature choice. so waiting will tell you a number of things that are good.

 

it also may allow you to be in a position to ask HER out when the time is right - instead of her asking you.

[whichwayisup]

I understand that thought process but at the same time if I continue to decline invitations wouldn't that be interpreted as no interest from me?

 

You tell her the truth, that it would be uncomfortable and IF she does really end her relationship, you want this to start off properly and honestly.

 

You go to the party, you'll drink, she'll drink, you'll flirt together and next thing you know, another hot kiss will happen. DO NOT tell me that won't happen - It's already happened once, so it'll be easier and more intense the 2nd time around.

 

Make other plans, seriously, if you don't, you're asking and looking for trouble.

 

Besides, haven't you already discussed this with her? That you won't go near her until she ends things with her fiancee? She knows already, so to continue 'talking' to her about why you're distancing yourself from her, not spending time with her, isn't going to make her feel confused or wonder what is up with you.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

I agree, don't go with her to the Halloween party. Tell her you already have plans. She shouldn't be doing the asking anyway, it is masculine.

[CaliGuy]

Ok, no Halloween party. I have a wedding to go to on Saturday so I probably shouldn't be out late on Friday anyway.

 

Thanks for the advice. We did talk for a bit yesterday and ironed a lot of things out. She needs to get her personal life in order before she would be ready to date. I can tell from our conversations she is interested so I am not concerned about that.

 

I just don't want to be the rebound guy....

[Lishy]

You WILL be the rebound guy, it is sad but true

 

And to top it off you would never trust her and you would have good reason

[2sunny]

You WILL be the rebound guy, it is sad but true

 

And to top it off you would never trust her and you would have good reason

 

 

i could argue this with my own experience.

 

i was engaged when i was about 21 years old. i realized i didn't want to marry him. i cheated behind his back. that alone told me i intended to marry the wrong man. i broke it off. i never dated the other guy after that, although i did "see" him a few times for about 6 months after i broke the engagement.

 

about a year later i met and started dating my future husband. we married after dating for 2-3 years.

 

i never ONCE considered cheating on him in our 20 year marriage. flirt with others? SURE... he knew i would never cheat... i was married - not dead!

 

my ability to allow him to understand clearly where my boundary was drawn made it possible to never wonder about my fidelity.

 

so, in my experience - i feel contrary to your statement.

[CaliGuy]

You WILL be the rebound guy, it is sad but true

 

And to top it off you would never trust her and you would have good reason

 

I'm not so quick to cast doom and gloom. First off, we're not dating. At least not yet and nothing is there to say we WILL date for sure.

 

I am well aware of "rebound guy" syndrome and how to avoid being one.

 

Do I trust her? I don't know. I don't have as close a personal relationship with her. I don't know her history and ANY new significant other in our lives has the potential to cheat.

 

One significant aspect of her that nobody but me seemed to notice is that her co-worker said she had taken the ring off weeks before we kissed. That tells me she has been mentally pulling away from this guy for some time. Women, from my experience, take a long time to finally pull the trigger and leave someone. Especially if they are living together. It just happened that her and I were hanging out, had a little too much to drink and ooops, a kiss.

 

What makes you think that if she's in a relationship where she's happy and her needs are being met that she would cheat? 2Sunny has given some real life examples. I am sure there are others here as well.

 

What I am saying is simply that I know the circumstances under which the kiss happened. She wasn't nor has not been happy for some time.

 

Again, I'm not even sure we'll end up together. On top of of all of this, I've learned a lot from LS and from my own reading/experiences. I'm not going to allow myself to fall for someone who isn't right for me. At the same time, I'm also not going to be afraid of dating someone if there is mutual interest. Note I said dating, I didn't say I was going to RUSH into something with her.

 

Both her and I agreed to let nature takes it's course and NOT rush into something. We're both well aware of the mutual interest but also of the current circumstances.

 

Last but not least, nothing in this life worth achieving is easy and completely free of risk. There is always the chance we'll get hurt. It wouldn't be the first time for me, but at least mentally I am much better prepared to come out on top, regardless of what happens.

 

Instead of chastising, can ya once just be happy for me? Sheesh

[2sunny]

i commend your open mind and willingness to wait patiently for the right timing and to know that it's the right thing to try.

 

to never try would be a shame... time will tell you what is right.

[CaliGuy]

i commend your open mind and willingness to wait patiently for the right timing and to know that it's the right thing to try.

 

to never try would be a shame... time will tell you what is right.

 

Thanks. The last couple relationships I just went in full steam ahead, never really taking the time to get to know them and building a solid foundation. This time, patience is going to win over over lust

 

The point is, she's worth the wait I think. But if I had never tried or just walked away, I might be kicking myself later. Better to try and have no regrets than to never try at all.

[Lishy]

2sunny, you didnt cheat on your ex with your future hubby, if you had he would never have trusted you deep down

 

Cali, I say what I do not to nay say but because you are a man with high morals and I doubt you would trust her if you got with her

 

Anyway I do not want to get in a pissing contest with you and I wont make further comment as I can see you only want positive feedback

 

Good luck x

[2sunny]

2sunny, you didnt cheat on your ex with your future hubby, if you had he would never have trusted you deep down

 

Cali, I say what I do not to nay say but because you are a man with high morals and I doubt you would trust her if you got with her

 

Anyway I do not want to get in a pissing contest with you and I wont make further comment as I can see you only want positive feedback

 

Good luck x

 

not true Lishy... my husband had the full knowledge of the engagement and all the reasons why i ended it (cheating and all) as soon as we had dated a few times.

 

i was honest with the reality of it... truth is - i wanted to date him (H) long enough to understand that i didn't need to ever be with another man. i needed to be sure i would never feel tempted while married. i was proud that i never even considered crossing the line while married. that is the way i was raised - to have integrity and to be faithful while married.

[sunshinegirl]

If you don't want to be the rebound guy, wait 6 months before you start dating her. If she's still interested then, well, then maybe you got yerself something good in the making.

[norajane]

If you don't want to be the rebound guy, wait 6 months before you start dating her. If she's still interested then, well, then maybe you got yerself something good in the making.

 

This is excellent advice.

[CaliGuy]

If you don't want to be the rebound guy, wait 6 months before you start dating her. If she's still interested then, well, then maybe you got yerself something good in the making.

 

I don't know about a "set" time limit. It's when she's over him and that relationship and ready for the next. Regardless, I have all the time in the world, so there's no hurry.

 

Lishy, it's not about only wanting positive feedback, it's that most of the time on LS, it's all doom and gloom. As if NO relationships work out, regardless of the circumstances.

[2sunny]

not true! relationships work out here!

 

i love myself and it's working out perfectly!!! :lmao::lmao:

 

couldn't help myself... yep, i tend to be sarcastic - so no need for everyone to point it out for me.

[Mary3]

She's the one who asked me out. She's the one who texts me She's been pursuing me. Yep, she could have any guy she wants and she wants me.

 

That should tell you I'm a catch, Lizzie. Even if we don't end together, there will be someone else.

 

There always is

 

Cali, much do love and respect but you have said " I will not persue her " like at least 20 posts here . The real truth is : You have fallen hard for this girl one year ago and have lived on the sidelines waiting....waiting...for one year because she was the greatest and you were captivated and now your dream has come true . She has said the words you wanted to hear . She is breaking it off.

 

But honestly what is your prize here ? She has been flirting with you all this time. She is engaged. She kissed you while she was officially engaged.

 

I really want you to say : Yeah I have dreamed about her. I worship her . I have persued quietly because I am the best man for the job ( no doubt ) but seriously , what is your prize here for winning this girl ?

 

How will this stunning goddess react 6 months from now when all the guys are knocking down the door to get to her ?

 

Are you up for that ?

[CaliGuy]

Cali, much do love and respect but you have said " I will not persue her " like at least 20 posts here . The real truth is : You have fallen hard for this girl one year ago and have lived on the sidelines waiting....waiting...for one year because she was the greatest and you were captivated and now your dream has come true . She has said the words you wanted to hear . She is breaking it off.

 

But honestly what is your prize here ? She has been flirting with you all this time. She is engaged. She kissed you while she was officially engaged.

 

I really want you to say : Yeah I have dreamed about her. I worship her . I have persued quietly because I am the best man for the job ( no doubt ) but seriously , what is your prize here for winning this girl ?

 

How will this stunning goddess react 6 months from now when all the guys are knocking down the door to get to her ?

 

Are you up for that ?

 

 

Only time will tell, I suppose....

[Jilly Bean]

Lishy, it's not about only wanting positive feedback, it's that most of the time on LS, it's all doom and gloom. As if NO relationships work out, regardless of the circumstances.

 

Yes, but it's also about making a smart choice. If someone has cheated WITH you, then chances are highly probable that they will cheat ON you. I think if she wasn't so brazen and disrespectful to her current relationship, you'd have a lot more cheerleaders. I just think she doesn't seem like any kind of *catch*. I would not consider a guy a prize who has behaved as she has, or even anyone I would consider worth anything beyond a good shag. Integrity, Cali. Don't lose sight of it.

[CaliGuy]

Yes, but it's also about making a smart choice. If someone has cheated WITH you, then chances are highly probable that they will cheat ON you. I think if she wasn't so brazen and disrespectful to her current relationship, you'd have a lot more cheerleaders. I just think she doesn't seem like any kind of *catch*. I would not consider a guy a prize who has behaved as she has, or even anyone I would consider worth anything beyond a good shag. Integrity, Cali. Don't lose sight of it.

 

You guys act like we boinked or something. It was a simple kiss and we both agree it was wrong. It's not like we said "Hey that was great, let's keep it up!" We all make mistakes.

 

The right thing to do is what we've both agreed to do. Cool it off.

 

She gave the ring back. She hadn't been wearing it weeks before this happened. We haven't said "Let's go for it." We've both talked about just letting things settle down, letting her get her life in order and then sometime down the road, we'll see what happens.

 

I'm not justifying the behavior, nor is she. Nobody is saying it was the right thing to do. But we're not going to exasterbate the situation by pursuing a relationship at the moment.

 

When/IF the time is right, we'll go down that road. But she has a personal life to get in order and in the process, I am leaving her alone and living my life. I am not hanging out with her. Not this weekend and not anytime soon.

 

Given the circumstances, I think we're both handling this the right way.

[norajane]

I don't know about a "set" time limit. It's when she's over him and that relationship and ready for the next. Regardless, I have all the time in the world, so there's no hurry.

 

How much do you want this girl, CG? A lot? Seriously?

 

Then 6 months is a lot closer to the right time to start dating than 6 days or 6 weeks.

 

Yes, she may have been thinking about breaking it off with her fiancee for a long time. She may have thought and talked to her friends and agonized and came to the realization that she couldn't marry him. And then she had to come to the realization that she had to do something about it...like tell him. So she gave him the ring back. Doesn't mean it's over, doesn't mean her heart is light, doesn't mean she's in a place in either her heart or her head to be very fair to you. In fact, she'll likely turn to you to feel good. Your attention makes her feel good, so she'll want to be around you. And she'll invite you to stuff, and you'll go and anything can happen after that cuz it's fun and it feels good and both of you will be swept away with how fun and nice it is.

 

Thing is, 6 months from now, she'll realize she ended her engagement with a man she loved and planned to spend the rest of her life with, have babies with, buy minivans with, everything. And even though that was exactly the right thing for her to do, she's not that person anymore and she doesn't feel as desperate or anxious as she was feeling when she ended her engagement. And you'll be her transition guy and it will be time for you to go away because you were always only the guy who took her out of her head so she didn't have to think too much, and now she has to face figuring out who she actually is and what she wants NOW.

 

Let her do all that healing without you. Then go and get her.