Caliguy: In a pickle here...

[Nevermind]

One last thing .... girl code! Girls do not talk about their friends feelings and personal life to random guys in the gym, that was planned between them (girls do that) and it was said to peak your interest and to make you want her more, and it seems it worked!

I agree. Actually, it sounded very weird to me that her friend would talk to you about this at all and especially in that manner. It's likely that your dream woman asked her to do it.

[Scottdmw]

Having been the guy on the receiving end of a very similar situation, I'm going to make a harsh moral judgement and say this. She shouldn't be messing around with anyone like this while engaged, and further no one who knows she is engaged should be thinking about dating her for awhile even _after_ she ends the engagement, assuming she does. I think ending an engagement is a very big deal, not just like ending a relationship, and it's not something anyone should move in on until the dust has really settled, like in 3 months or something. Any woman that would start dating someone else in less than that following the official end of the engagement is doing something wrong. Either she's rebounding with the first guy she finds, or she's been stringing the other guy along until she finds a good replacement. The first one is just foolish, the second one is cruelly using the person she's with, making him suffer to ease her own feelings.

 

CG--why are you making it so easy for her to leave this man? Other than being "Beta" which is likely a simple matter of ignorance, he's probably a really nice guy and will be utterly crushed, maybe for YEARS, by this sequence of events. Right or wrong he will hate your guts, and spend many hours with ways of hurting you running through his head whether he wants them to or not. Meanwhile this girl will be going on her merry way with you, not caring. Why do you want to be part of this situation? Why be with someone that can be so callous, even if it is common among women? Don't encourage and support bad behavior. Stay away from her for a few months and make sure it's _really_ over. Seriously, don't even be her "friend", just stay away and make her make the decision without the immediate backup right there, and make her stick to the decision for awhile without you there to ease her transition. Don't be the precipitating cause of some other guy's misery, make sure it's clear to everyone concerned that she left on her own, not to be with you.

[CaliGuy]

Cali, I made a point a few pages back saying that you would not be happy with a girl who would cheat on her fiance and you readily agreed ..... So why are you even thinking about getting into this?

 

I can read by your words that you are very invested in this girl already after one kiss, you are ripe to have your heart ripped to shreds and she will ALWAYS be a cheater!

 

She sounds like a childish attention seeker to me, a girl who kissed another guy because her fiance wouldnt come out with her.

 

If you get with her, remember to always go wherever she wants you to go or you know the repercussions! If you do not know that know you will know that feeling if you did end up with her!

 

One last thing .... girl code! Girls do not talk about their friends feelings and personal life to random guys in the gym, that was planned between them (girls do that) and it was said to peak your interest and to make you want her more, and it seems it worked!

 

Go get a new Gym is my advice, you are far too nice to get involved with this girl.

 

Not making excuses for anyone's behavior here. I like her. I don't know what else to tell you. If it works out, it works out but I'm not sweating it

 

 

I agree. Actually, it sounded very weird to me that her friend would talk to you about this at all and especially in that manner. It's likely that your dream woman asked her to do it.

 

The friend knows I like her. Friend noticed she wasn't wearing her ring. Friend talked to her. She told friend she's having trouble with her fiance: weeks ago. I'm sure they all talked about this weekend since there were several people from her work there with us.

 

Having been the guy on the receiving end of a very similar situation, I'm going to make a harsh moral judgement and say this. She shouldn't be messing around with anyone like this while engaged, and further no one who knows she is engaged should be thinking about dating her for awhile even _after_ she ends the engagement, assuming she does. I think ending an engagement is a very big deal, not just like ending a relationship, and it's not something anyone should move in on until the dust has really settled, like in 3 months or something. Any woman that would start dating someone else in less than that following the official end of the engagement is doing something wrong. Either she's rebounding with the first guy she finds, or she's been stringing the other guy along until she finds a good replacement. The first one is just foolish, the second one is cruelly using the person she's with, making him suffer to ease her own feelings.

 

CG--why are you making it so easy for her to leave this man? Other than being "Beta" which is likely a simple matter of ignorance, he's probably a really nice guy and will be utterly crushed, maybe for YEARS, by this sequence of events. Right or wrong he will hate your guts, and spend many hours with ways of hurting you running through his head whether he wants them to or not. Meanwhile this girl will be going on her merry way with you, not caring. Why do you want to be part of this situation? Why be with someone that can be so callous, even if it is common among women? Don't encourage and support bad behavior. Stay away from her for a few months and make sure it's _really_ over. Seriously, don't even be her "friend", just stay away and make her make the decision without the immediate backup right there, and make her stick to the decision for awhile without you there to ease her transition. Don't be the precipitating cause of some other guy's misery, make sure it's clear to everyone concerned that she left on her own, not to be with you.

 

I don't disagree with you. I'm not making excuses for anyone's behavior, mine included. This is not like me. Again, I can't help who I am attracted to. I didn't even start really liking her until I got to know her. I am not facilitating their break up. From what she told me, she's been feeling this way for a while and I doubt I had anything directly to do with it.

 

Even if she calls it off and wants to go out with me, I will definitely tell her we need to wait for a while for things to cool down. Her behavior yesterday coincides with what your saying. She does want to call it off and is in no mood to "chat it up" with anyone right now. Not even me.

 

She's got problems to deal with at home and I am not going to get in the middle of that. I'm happy to go on with my life without her. I'm not going to be terribly upset if, later, we don't get together. I kind of figure if it's meant to be, it will happen.

 

Again, Art's advice is what I am following right now.

[Lishy]

Denial is not a river that runs through Egypt it seems!

 

You are headed for a fall Cali and I for one do not want to see it! The conversation with the friend was concucted between them for her benefit and to give you hope and to keep the attention flooding in.

 

Damn I wish you could see this!

[CaliGuy]

Denial is not a river that runs through Egypt it seems!

 

You are headed for a fall Cali and I for one do not want to see it! The conversation with the friend was concucted between them for her benefit and to give you hope and to keep the attention flooding in.

 

Damn I wish you could see this!

 

That just doesn't seem like her. I already know she likes me. She doesn't need her friends to tell me that she likes me, I already know that as well.

 

Again, I'm backing off. I'm not pursuing her. I really do want her to figure her stuff out on her own and come to me ONLY when her life is settled back down and she's in the right frame of mind to date again.

 

In the meantime, life goes on. I'm not hanging my life's hope on her by any means. Sure, I would like it to work out but if it doesn't I'm not going to be hurt. Disappointed, sure but not devastated.

[amaysngrace]

You seem to have the right attitude here. This thing doesn't have disaster written all over it unless you become too emotionally attached, which you seem pretty determined not to do at this point.

 

Two words...elusive and aloof.

 

Oh, maybe three...busy.

[CaliGuy]

You seem to have the right attitude here. This thing doesn't have disaster written all over it unless you become too emotionally attached, which you seem pretty determined not to do at this point.

 

Two words...elusive and aloof.

 

Oh, maybe three...busy.

 

Haha, thanks. Yeah, I am not pursuing her. She needs to get her stuff together at home and figure out what she wants to do. In the meantime, I am going to continue to date and have fun and not worry about anything.

 

And yes, I know what happened on Saturday was wrong. It wasn't planned, that is for sure.

 

I'm not sure about her telling her friends at work what a good time she had. She doesn't need to do that and I can't see her doing it as a means to keep me interested. She's 28 not 16, lol.

[amaysngrace]

I'm not sure about her telling her friends at work what a good time she had. She doesn't need to do that and I can't see her doing it as a means to keep me interested. She's 28 not 16, lol.

 

She is probably into you. Like I said before I think she has good taste.

 

But she has to do her thing and make sure she closes one chapter before opening another. If she's really that into you then things will start happening pretty quickly. If not well then there is your answer.

[CaliGuy]

She is probably into you. Like I said before I think she has good taste.

 

But she has to do her thing and make sure she closes one chapter before opening another. If she's really that into you then things will start happening pretty quickly. If not well then there is your answer.

 

Aw...thanks.

 

I think it's going to take a couple of months at least for her to get things settled and we'll go from there. She knows how to find me so I am not worried about that. I think the biggest problem is they live together and figuring out what to do about that.

[amaysngrace]

I think the biggest problem is they live together and figuring out what to do about that.

 

Do they rent or own?

[CaliGuy]

Do they rent or own?

 

I'm pretty sure they rent an apartment. I haven't asked her about it. She has family here so at worst she can move back in with her folks for a short time if it comes down to it.

[amaysngrace]

Well if they own it'll take longer.

 

If she really wants to be with you she'll figure it out. She's not the first person who has gotten themselves into a mess that they need to back out of.

 

Time will tell.

 

Until then, make more plans!!

[CaliGuy]

Well if they own it'll take longer.

 

True dat.

 

If she really wants to be with you she'll figure it out. She's not the first person who has gotten themselves into a mess that they need to back out of.

 

Time will tell.

 

Until then, make more plans!!

 

Once again you are correct. I'm not worried about this situation the least bit. I just never thought I would have been here to begin with. When we first met she had the ring so I assumed she was off-limits. We'd laugh and joke and talk but it was never anything more than friendly.

 

It's been a whirlwind since Saturday. Time to let things settle down

[Lucky_One]

Even though I knew both of us had/have an interest in each other, I did not "go there" with her, ever. I didn't have the first clue she was unhappy with the guy until Saturday night.

 

I haven't read the whole thread, but this did strike me as I was going through it, so it may already have been addressed.

 

You don't know her very well, if you had no idea that she was unhappy with her fiancee. Many people are happy with their partners, until they have a fight or an argument; they make up, and all is well again.

 

Saying that she is all you could ever want in a girl is a pretty powerful thing to say, when it is fairly obvious that you dont' know her all that well. If you did, you would know definitively about her feelings toward her fiancee.

[Lucky_One]

One last thing .... girl code! Girls do not talk about their friends feelings and personal life to random guys in the gym, that was planned between them (girls do that) and it was said to peak your interest and to make you want her more, and it seems it worked!

 

Go get a new Gym is my advice, you are far too nice to get involved with this girl.

 

NO kidding! I read that, and I was like "Sheesh - set up, much?!" Chicks do this ALL the time. We ponder and we talk and we scheme and we set up situations. We call each other and report all of the things that the guy said to us in bed. We get our friends to go up to guys and say, "Mary likes you, do you like her?" from grade 2 throughout the nursing home.

 

It piqued your interest AND it made her out to be a much nicer person than the person who would take her ring off for 15 minutes to snog someone else. Think about it - some woman that you are not really friends with (you work out at the place she works for a year, and you have only just this once gone out in public with any of them) comes up to you all concerned bc her friend isn't wearing her ring all the time? Can there be anything more random to say?

 

Almost sounds like she is trying to use you as an Exit Affair - not a good place for a man with a good heart to be.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, I am not pursuing her.

 

3 days ago you were, my dear...

 

ANYWAY, stay on the straight and narrow.

[Lishy]

I am reading Cali's words and knowing that he does not mean what he is writing and I can see he is buying a one way ticket to Hurtsville!

 

I dont wanna see him get hurt again, he deserves so much more!

[CaliGuy]

I haven't read the whole thread, but this did strike me as I was going through it, so it may already have been addressed.

 

You don't know her very well, if you had no idea that she was unhappy with her fiancee. Many people are happy with their partners, until they have a fight or an argument; they make up, and all is well again.

 

Saying that she is all you could ever want in a girl is a pretty powerful thing to say, when it is fairly obvious that you dont' know her all that well. If you did, you would know definitively about her feelings toward her fiancee.

 

You're right. I don't really know her that well. All I know is what she's shown me so far. I've got a decent gauge of her personality but that's not to say she doesn't lead a double life or something.

 

Everyone takes a long time to get to know. It takes a good 2 full years of a relationship before you can say you really "know" someone. At least that's the rule of thumb I heard.

 

NO kidding! I read that, and I was like "Sheesh - set up, much?!" Chicks do this ALL the time. We ponder and we talk and we scheme and we set up situations. We call each other and report all of the things that the guy said to us in bed. We get our friends to go up to guys and say, "Mary likes you, do you like her?" from grade 2 throughout the nursing home.

 

It piqued your interest AND it made her out to be a much nicer person than the person who would take her ring off for 15 minutes to snog someone else. Think about it - some woman that you are not really friends with (you work out at the place she works for a year, and you have only just this once gone out in public with any of them) comes up to you all concerned bc her friend isn't wearing her ring all the time? Can there be anything more random to say?

 

Almost sounds like she is trying to use you as an Exit Affair - not a good place for a man with a good heart to be.

 

I think that's rather presumptious. Nobody knows what she is thinking. This could well be a lot less complex then we're all making it out to be. I know that all avenues should be addressed but I am not so quick to predict doom and gloom here.

 

And I have a hard time believing that she would set her friends up to test if I was interested or not. She already knows that I am (remember the kiss?!). She doesn't need affirmation from her friends.

 

3 days ago you were, my dear...

 

ANYWAY, stay on the straight and narrow.

 

I have never "purused" her or in any way said "You need to dump this guy and date me." Never. Not once. We have always been friendly and coordial and until Saturday, never crossed the line.

 

I am reading Cali's words and knowing that he does not mean what he is writing and I can see he is buying a one way ticket to Hurtsville!

 

I dont wanna see him get hurt again, he deserves so much more!

 

Well Lishy I do really appreciate the kind words. I am not so quick to predict anything bad. What's the worse that can happen? We don't get together? I can deal with it. It wouldn't be the first time a relationship hasn't worked out for me. May not be the last, LOL. However, I am much more confident that I can handle it, no matter what happens, than I was when I first came to LS. I've grown immensely and things like this don't phase me nearly as much as they used to.

 

There's no guarantee this is going to work OR fail. We can't predict the future. Like I said, I am taking Art's advice and taking the "kick back and see" approach. I'm not in control of the situation so I'm not going to fret over it. Whatever happens, happens.

 

However, as far as her current relationship goes I can control one thing and that is me staying OUT of it. She's a big girl and needs to handle it on her own without any interference from me.

 

Cheers and don't worry about me. I'll be fine

[whichwayisup]

knowing that he does not mean what he is writing

 

His actions hopefully will back up his words and his intentions of really distancing himself from her..

 

I have never "purused" her or in any way said "You need to dump this guy and date me." Never. Not once. We have always been friendly and coordial and until Saturday, never crossed the line.

 

Sweets, you two pursued eachother while dancing together and sharing that kiss. You've taken 'time' to get to know her, build something (maybe subconsciously) and you've allowed feelings for her to grow.. Yes, maybe all unintentionally, but it's happened.

[Rooster_DAR]

Cali,

 

I have a story I want you to read, it's about an experience I had this last weekend and it's related to your dilemma. I don't want to hijack this thread, so I decided to post it here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t167790/

[CaliGuy]

His actions hopefully will back up his words and his intentions of really distancing himself from her..

 

Sweets, you two pursued eachother while dancing together and sharing that kiss. You've taken 'time' to get to know her, build something (maybe subconsciously) and you've allowed feelings for her to grow.. Yes, maybe all unintentionally, but it's happened.

 

Well I think we've both allowed our feelings to grow. But I don't think hers started to grow until the last month or so. Up until then we were just casual friends who talked at the gym. Nothing more. I think perhaps when her issues started at home then her interest piqued to me.

 

Cali,

 

I have a story I want you to read, it's about an experience I had this last weekend and it's related to your dilemma. I don't want to hijack this thread, so I decided to post it here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t167790/

 

Hey Rooster, I have been in that position before. Suffice to say alcohol plays a part in a lot of those bad decisions. I am glad you didn't go all the way with her. If her husband is overseas, where is her ring? Ya know? With this girl and I, until she took the ring off I had no clue she wasn't happy in her current relationship.

 

And yeah, I know how her current guy is feeling but I am not the reason she is feeling this way towards him. She made it quite clear when we were chatting on Saturday that it's lack of long term goals, his behavior and his attitude toward her friends that has her feelings changing. It seriously doubt it has anything to do with me.

[norajane]

And yeah, I know how her current guy is feeling but I am not the reason she is feeling this way towards him. She made it quite clear when we were chatting on Saturday that it's lack of long term goals, his behavior and his attitude toward her friends that has her feelings changing. It seriously doubt it has anything to do with me.

 

As I said earlier, been there, done that.

 

Stop waiting for her to act. It will take a while for her to get her act together and break the engagement and move out.

[CaliGuy]

As I said earlier, been there, done that.

 

Stop waiting for her to act. It will take a while for her to get her act together and break the engagement and move out.

 

I'm not waiting for her act though. I'm just living my life, lol. It's not like I'm waiting for the phone to ring or something!

[2sunny]

CG- did she correspond with you today... by text, phone, in person or email?

 

if she did - what was the exchange like?

[CaliGuy]

CG- did she correspond with you today... by text, phone, in person or email?

 

if she did - what was the exchange like?

 

Nope. We dont talk that much outside of her work. While she is trying to figure her situation/life out, I doubt she's going to be calling me. I really don't want to move forward with anything until she's got her situation resolved.

 

Again, there's no guarantee she is going to leave the guy. For all I know, she just might be getting cold feet....regardless of the kiss, the text and her telling her work friends what a great time she had hanging with me.