Caliguy: In a pickle here...

[sunshinegirl]

I'm curious what makes her "everything you ever wanted in a woman". Apart from being cute.

[CaliGuy]

I'm sure her friends tell other guys the same thing too. And I'm sure she texts other guys the morning after too.

 

You know I love ya, CG. You ARE special. But you're fooling yourself if you think it's only because of YOU that she cheated.

 

You're in for a mound of heartbreak, whether because she never leaves her fiance, or because she cheats on you in the future. Best of luck.

 

We'll see what happens. I'm in wait and see mode so I am not counting on anything. Yes, I am interested but if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. No biggie.

 

Perhaps she is having doubts about her fiance... As we all know... Lets say she does break it off.. One does not just get over someone... It would be very easy for her once she does break up to have you waiting for her... What about the withdrawals... the roller coaster ride that comes with a break up... That takes time...

 

Personally, if she decides to break it off with fiance, she needs to do it because she wants to do it, not for you or anybody else... which could end up with you being in a rebound situation.

 

She needs to be fully over him in order to be with someone else... Wouldn't that be the best scenerio?

 

I agree, but as I have learned, she's been pulling away for a while now. This apparently is not new news.

 

Hey CG, think about her fiance for a minute. Remember when your ex that brought you here was here? Well, now he is you, about to get his heart ripped to pieces by a piece of s**t woman while she's dallying around with some other guy (you), and that piece of s**t woman is your major ex (who brought you here.)

Think about it.

 

I have thought about it. What do you want me to do? I'm not pressuring her to leave him at all. This is a decision she has to make on her own. I am not forcing her to do anything. She wanted that kiss as much as I did. She's not wearing her engagement ring. None of that was forced on her.

[pretty professional]

 

I have thought about it. What do you want me to do? I'm not pressuring her to leave him at all. This is a decision she has to make on her own. I am not forcing her to do anything. She wanted that kiss as much as I did. She's not wearing her engagement ring. None of that was forced on her.

 

Yes but now you are saying you had absolutely no reason to be upset when your ex dumped you for a better guy.

[btc8]

Thanks AG. I know what the right thing is to do and I don't feel like I am being bashed here. As I have always maintained, it's much easier to see a situation in black and white when you are not involved. When your heart becomes involved then things tend to be much more a shade of gray

 

That's the most naive thing I read all day. This is clearly a HUGE ego-boost for you (e.g.: you conflate her fiance's characteristics and attributes as being less superior to yours--these are all just mechanisms that humans utilize to negate ambiguity and foster rationalization created during times of right and wrong).

 

So we are supposed to pat you on the back for being 'the bigger person' and backing off to try to finesse the situation? I don't really think it matters: You both did what you did, and it's done.

 

Though it's not entirely clear want you hope to accomplish if this relationship were to come to fruition. Do you really want to be with someone who would furtively flirt and denounce her trust for you by thinking that removing a ring would negate her relationship status?

 

I guess that is moot; we already know what you want at this point.

[BubblyPopcorn]

I just don't want to make any big mistakes. Yes, I know the "if she'll cheat on him, she'll cheat on you" thing but she made it clear she isn't going to stay with him. She even texted me on Sunday to say what a great time she had and that I was fun to talk to. She never mentioned the kiss (which was earth-shattering for both of us I think, lol).

 

Well I would hope that you would find it in your heart to put yourself aside in this instance, and respect the relationship she has with her fiance by stepping aside and not interferring.

 

Also, my ex-fiance cheated and it was only a "kiss" but I come to find out a few years later that the woman he did end up marrying, he cheated on her too.

 

So just something to keep in the back of your mind.

[sunshinegirl]

I have thought about it. What do you want me to do? I'm not pressuring her to leave him at all. This is a decision she has to make on her own. I am not forcing her to do anything. She wanted that kiss as much as I did. She's not wearing her engagement ring. None of that was forced on her.

 

When it happened to you it seemed to speak to underlying character and integrity issues in both your ex and the OM. Now, when you are in the position to benefit from a similar fact pattern, it's merely a matter of logistics and timing?

[CaliGuy]

I'm curious what makes her "everything you ever wanted in a woman". Apart from being cute.

 

She is...

 

Kind

Intelligent

Has a great personality

Funny

Always have great conversations that never bore each other.

Has a good career.

Takes care of herself.

Etc, etc, etc.

 

I shouldn't have to justify why I like her. It's more than the sum of her looks.

[Yamaha]

I guess that is moot; we already know what you want at this point.

 

Yes. The little head does all of the thinking and has no conscience.

[CaliGuy]

When it happened to you it seemed to speak to underlying character and integrity issues in both your ex and the OM. Now, when you are in the position to benefit from a similar fact pattern, it's merely a matter of logistics and timing?

 

What do you want me to do? I'm leaving her alone. She has to make the decisions that are best for her. I couldn't force my ex to stay with me. You suppose her fiance should force her to stay with him?

 

Again, she was pulling away long before the episode this past weekend.

[CaliGuy]

Yes. The little head does all of the thinking and has no conscience.

 

If that was a fact, I would have taken her home with me on Sat night when the opportunity presented itself.

[sunshinegirl]

What do you want me to do? I'm leaving her alone. She has to make the decisions that are best for her. I couldn't force my ex to stay with me. You suppose her fiance should force her to stay with him?

 

Again, she was pulling away long before the episode this past weekend.

 

You don't seem to want to acknowledge the double standard you are applying here. Okay.

 

You keep asking about what you should "do". It's not about doing anything as much as re-evaluating why you want this woman when the flags are waving all about you, and you would advise anyone else in your shoes to run for the hills.

[whichwayisup]

She is...

 

Kind

Intelligent

Has a great personality

Funny

Always have great conversations that never bore each other.

Has a good career.

Takes care of herself.

Etc, etc, etc.

 

I shouldn't have to justify why I like her. It's more than the sum of her looks.

And she is engaged. It doesn't matter that she is having doubts, or that she is sexually attracted to you, or that she liked the kiss as much as you did.. Problem is Cali, you've put yourself in the situation of being the OM, like it or not. As it's been pointed out afew times already, you are the OM whom your gf cheated with on you. I'm sure he had a list of what he liked about your gf way back when..

 

She's a broken woman right now. If she tries to talk to you about this, point her in the direction of her fiancee. Don't be her shoulder, or her rescuer. Be a true friend and tell her to go home and talk to him.

[whichwayisup]

If that was a fact, I would have taken her home with me on Sat night when the opportunity presented itself.

 

Then you're definately not thinking and you're letting emotions and feelings get in the way, when we all know here you know better than that.

 

Cali, you're too invested and you can't see what we're seeing, nor do I think you want to. I get that you want her but get out of the picture completely otherwise you WILL be the reason why they end. And, you two won't have an honest beginning - Trust will be a huge issue..

 

If you had taken her home, you'd regret it.

[norajane]

You keep asking about what you should "do". It's not about doing anything as much as re-evaluating why you want this woman when the flags are waving all about you, and you would advise anyone else in your shoes to run for the hills.

 

Yes, exactly!

 

You're so invested in her, that you keep saying she knows where to find you...you've already totally bought into the idea of being with her, and are just hoping she jumps ship.

 

You need to evaluate whether she's really as kind as you think she is!! Evaluate her by her actions. And so far, her cavalier behavior toward her "real fiancee" is not kind.

[CaliGuy]

You don't seem to want to acknowledge the double standard you are applying here. Okay.

 

You keep asking about what you should "do". It's not about doing anything as much as re-evaluating why you want this woman when the flags are waving all about you, and you would advise anyone else in your shoes to run for the hills.

 

I've liked her for the year I've known her. Yes there are some red flags and I am not ignoring them.

 

She likes me. I like her. I am content to wait things out with her relationship (while not stopping my life) and see what happens.

[norajane]

And keep re-reading this until it sinks in!!

 

• Her actions have more to do with how she feels about her life than they have to do with her feelings for you. i.e. when her situation changes so will her attitude.
  

[whichwayisup]

You need to evaluate whether she's really as kind as you think she is!! Evaluate her by her actions. And so far, her cavalier behavior toward her "real fiancee" is not kind.

 

Exactly. She's already got her toe in the pond, fishing meanwhile she's engaged.

[CaliGuy]

And she is engaged. It doesn't matter that she is having doubts, or that she is sexually attracted to you, or that she liked the kiss as much as you did.. Problem is Cali, you've put yourself in the situation of being the OM, like it or not. As it's been pointed out afew times already, you are the OM whom your gf cheated with on you. I'm sure he had a list of what he liked about your gf way back when..

 

She's a broken woman right now. If she tries to talk to you about this, point her in the direction of her fiancee. Don't be her shoulder, or her rescuer. Be a true friend and tell her to go home and talk to him.

 

We haven't talked about it yet. If she does, I will tell her simply that she needs to take care of her issues. She's a big girl, she can handle it. I'm not going to interfere.

 

Then you're definately not thinking and you're letting emotions and feelings get in the way, when we all know here you know better than that.

 

Cali, you're too invested and you can't see what we're seeing, nor do I think you want to. I get that you want her but get out of the picture completely otherwise you WILL be the reason why they end. And, you two won't have an honest beginning - Trust will be a huge issue..

 

If you had taken her home, you'd regret it.

 

Yes, I agree. That is why I left when I did. I'm not trying to get in the way of their relationship. Yes, I want to be with her. I have never denied that. The thing is, I can't help how I feel ya know? Yes, I'm invested in her but I won't be devastated if it doesn't work out. Disappointed? Sure. But life goes on.

 

Yes, exactly!

 

You're so invested in her, that you keep saying she knows where to find you...you've already totally bought into the idea of being with her, and are just hoping she jumps ship.

 

You need to evaluate whether she's really as kind as you think she is!! Evaluate her by her actions. And so far, her cavalier behavior toward her "real fiancee" is not kind.

 

I dunno how she really is. We've hardly spent any time together other than work. All I know is today she wasn't wearing her engagement ring and I didn't talk about Saturday.

[Yamaha]

Your human, CG. We all have seen the gal/guy that we are very attracted to and want her/him in the worst way. You have put your morals on a higher level but the fact remains, you want this women. You can't see/ won't see that you are interfering in her relationship. You leave it up to her but you know that you should be the one to tell her to work it out with her man. This would be the moral thing to do.

 

Can you really live with yourself if you thought you came between her and the guy she loved enough to marry? I don't think it would be a very good start for a relationship.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I agree. That is why I left when I did. I'm not trying to get in the way of their relationship. Yes, I want to be with her. I have never denied that. The thing is, I can't help how I feel ya know? Yes, I'm invested in her but I won't be devastated if it doesn't work out. Disappointed? Sure. But life goes on.

 

But in all honesty, if she had pushed and pushed, you probably would've taken her home. You're oozing that energy around her, especially now after that kiss. It's opened pandora's box.

 

Sure, you can't help how you feel, but you certainly can control how you react and how you are around her. No more one on one's, that will only lead to trouble.

[CaliGuy]

Your human, CG. We all have seen the gal/guy that we are very attracted to and want her/him in the worst way. You have put your morals on a higher level but the fact remains, you want this women. You can't see/ won't see that you are interfering in her relationship. You leave it up to her but you know that you should be the one to tell her to work it out with her man. This would be the moral thing to do.

 

Can you really live with yourself if you thought you came between her and the guy she loved enough to marry? I don't think it would be a very good start for a relationship.

 

Which is exactly why I am not getting in the middle of this....and I will let her do her thing.

 

But in all honesty, if she had pushed and pushed, you probably would've taken her home. You're oozing that energy around her, especially now after that kiss. It's opened pandora's box.

 

Sure, you can't help how you feel, but you certainly can control how you react and how you are around her. No more one on one's, that will only lead to trouble.

 

No, I wouldn't have. I know me. As much as I want to be with her, I wouldn't toss it all away for a night in the sack.

 

I agree. No more one on one's. I'm not arguing or resisting what you guys are saying.

 

I agree to leave it be. That's the advice, the same advice Art gave earlier and that is what I am doing.

[whichwayisup]

Good!

 

Because if you post back in a week saying you've kissed again and/or hung out together one on one, you know I WILL kick your ass, my friend.....I mean that in nicest way of course!

[CaliGuy]

Good!

 

Because if you post back in a week saying you've kissed again and/or hung out together one on one, you know I WILL kick your ass, my friend.....I mean that in nicest way of course!

 

I know, I know. LOL.

 

Art's advice sunk in. I could have chatted it up with her today, but his words rung in my ears.

 

Back off.

Let her work her own stuff out.

Wait and see.

Live life.

 

[2sunny]

well - you've waited this long to be with the gal of your dreams. if she is the one, it won't hurt to wait a bit longer to see if this works out.

 

stay busy and happy for yourself in the meantime - be honest with her of your position with her circumstances, then step away for the time being.

[Lishy]

Cali, I made a point a few pages back saying that you would not be happy with a girl who would cheat on her fiance and you readily agreed ..... So why are you even thinking about getting into this?

 

I can read by your words that you are very invested in this girl already after one kiss, you are ripe to have your heart ripped to shreds and she will ALWAYS be a cheater!

 

She sounds like a childish attention seeker to me, a girl who kissed another guy because her fiance wouldnt come out with her.

 

If you get with her, remember to always go wherever she wants you to go or you know the repercussions! If you do not know that know you will know that feeling if you did end up with her!

 

One last thing .... girl code! Girls do not talk about their friends feelings and personal life to random guys in the gym, that was planned between them (girls do that) and it was said to peak your interest and to make you want her more, and it seems it worked!

 

Go get a new Gym is my advice, you are far too nice to get involved with this girl.