Caliguy: In a pickle here...

October 20, 2008

Whatever label you want to put on what she has done (IMO it's cheating; you don't seem as willing to call it that), you should think long and hard about how you would feel if she pulls the exact same thing on you in a year or two.

She may do that and she may not. I just wouldn't put up with it. Maybe he will, but I won't.

Are you going to feel as sympathetic towards her if she starts emotionally pulling away from you, taking off her engagement ring, dancing with and kissing another guy and telling him she's definitely not going to marry you (her live-in boyfriend) and that she has discussed it at length with her sisters all the while you're in the dark about all of this?

Again, I've been in her fiance's shoes so yeah, I know exactly how he feels. It sucks, but what's the alternative?

If this thing starts to go in a positive direction for you (ie she dumps the fiance and comes after you), I would be very very wary of pursuing things if she sees nothing wrong with how she's handled things with her fiance.

If you scan the history of LS, can you give me very many examples of a relationship breakup that was handled perfectly, with tact, kindness and love? I can't think of any. Breakups suck and they happen. I don't know how a breakup occurs without someone getting hurt.

Yuck. The whole thing makes me ill - the total lack of concern she, and you, are exhibiting toward the fiance.

What do you want me to do? Go tell the guy?! It's HER business to take care of. If she won't break it off then I know where I stand. If she does and comes after me, then I'll deal with it then. The whole jist of this thread is how I should handle this. I'm not making it a secret that I would like to be with her. The question is how should this situation be handled?

October 20, 2008

CG-

just curious if she has text or contacted you in any way since that night? what did she say?

how did you respond - if at all?

you said you will see her this afternoon... let us know what transpires with that too... these will give an idea of where her head is at this point...

October 20, 2008

I've only read the first page but I totally agree with this:

back the hell off and see whether she follows through on breaking her engagement ASAP.

IMO, the three most likely things to occur in the future are:

1. She changes her mind and follows through with the engagement/marriage afterall.

2. She breaks off the engagement, starts things up with you, but then gets back with her ex somewhere down the line.

3. She breaks off the engagement, starts things up with you, the ex is out of the picture entirely and you two live happily ever after.

I'd say 1 and 2 are each very likely while 3 is unlikely. Backing off is in your best interest because if you stick around you make it easy for her to keep seeing him or delay breaking things off. But if you back off then she'll only break things off with him if she's serious about ending it and serious about starting things up with you.

October 20, 2008

My opinion:

October 20, 2008

I would give it some time. As I said, she's been pulling away from this guy for weeks, maybe months now. I don't know how long. We'll know when the time is right. There's no need to rush.

Yep. That's why it's time to back away and see what happens.

I'm not going to be rude and totally ignore her. I just won't respond to any advances or hang out until she's ended it with him.

I'm not saying ignore her or be rude, but since you two HAVE kissed and it's obvious feelings could be there - Why not just be upfront and honest with her? Tell her something like, "I've been cheated upon before, and I KNOW firsthand what it feels like, so for my own self respect, I need to back away from you until you sort out what you want. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but it would be best if we didn't hang out anymore, until things are over between you and your fiancee." Or something like that.

She's handling this badly, instead of talking to her guy about how unhappy she is, she's choosing to do NOTHING - She's not letting him in on what she feels or thinks, instead she's running and detaching, finding attention and other men, including you. THAT is wrong.

October 20, 2008

Oh yeah.. I forgot about the part that he's seeing her today... if he's so much in control and just 'cool' about her.. why the hell would he see her today... humm..

October 20, 2008

Oh yeah.. I forgot about the part that he's seeing her today... if he's so much in control and just 'cool' about her.. why the hell would he see her today... humm..

she probably works at his gym or some restaurant close to his house... that's my guess.

October 20, 2008

The whole jist of this thread is how I should handle this

How can you handle this is if she isn't even telling her possibly soon to be EX fiancee that she wants out and doesn't want to marry him anymore? That she wants to break up with him? If she's more or less pursuing you now, what is stopping her from actually ending with him? Do you know if she's atleast spoken to him? Or is this going to be a complete shock to him?

October 20, 2008

I just think it's funny how you were "just friends" with this girl 4 a year and one little kiss and your ready to jump in the lake of passion.

October 21, 2008

I just think it's funny how you were "just friends" with this girl 4 a year and one little kiss and your ready to jump in the lake of passion.

Yeah, I'm a little surprised, Caliguy! One kiss and its all over the place! ;p

Flirting while she was in a relationship - how long did that go on? Even if the nickname you got was not her intention, she let it happen, didn't she? I don't know if that really qualifies her as a great person.

That being said, I also understand that sometimes, you're just with the wrong person for you, and it just takes the right guy to come along to make you want to change things and be happy.

I dunno, just seems a bit fishy to me... like you of all people, who gives out generally good advice, is in a situation like this!

If she does break the engagement off, even if you stay out of things from here on it, you will no doubt be part of what influenced her to break things off!

I don't know. I'm 19. Hahah ;p If age really does make people wiser, then you're definitely ahead of me

Just wanted to post my thoughts ;p

October 21, 2008

She may do that and she may not. I just wouldn't put up with it. Maybe he will, but I won't.

How would you know if she was? I mean, I doubt this guy even has a clue that she's unhappy and messing around, flirting and telling everyone she's wanting out of her relationship. She obviously is good at hiding her feelings and what she's been up to around him, you say this has been going on (her being unhappy for afew months or so) for a while now. That's not a good habit she has, exiting her relationship, being with other men (you) and not dealing with what's really going on at home.

SHE SHOULD BE TALKING TO HIM, and not to you, not to her friends.. Sure, support is one thing, but WHO is advising her to lay it out all on the line at home for him? HE deserves someone who will love him and right now her actions are showing disrespect and not love.

October 21, 2008

CG-

just curious if she has text or contacted you in any way since that night? what did she say?

how did you respond - if at all?

you said you will see her this afternoon... let us know what transpires with that too... these will give an idea of where her head is at this point...

See the end of this thread for an update and yes, she contacted me the next day by text to tell me what a great time she had....

I've only read the first page but I totally agree with this:

IMO, the three most likely things to occur in the future are:

1. She changes her mind and follows through with the engagement/marriage afterall.
2. She breaks off the engagement, starts things up with you, but then gets back with her ex somewhere down the line.
3. She breaks off the engagement, starts things up with you, the ex is out of the picture entirely and you two live happily ever after.

I'd say 1 and 2 are each very likely while 3 is unlikely. Backing off is in your best interest because if you stick around you make it easy for her to keep seeing him or delay breaking things off. But if you back off then she'll only break things off with him if she's serious about ending it and serious about starting things up with you.

The end of this post will answer some of those questions.

I'm not saying ignore her or be rude, but since you two HAVE kissed and it's obvious feelings could be there - Why not just be upfront and honest with her? Tell her something like, "I've been cheated upon before, and I KNOW firsthand what it feels like, so for my own self respect, I need to back away from you until you sort out what you want. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but it would be best if we didn't hang out anymore, until things are over between you and your fiancee." Or something like that.

She's handling this badly, instead of talking to her guy about how unhappy she is, she's choosing to do NOTHING - She's not letting him in on what she feels or thinks, instead she's running and detaching, finding attention and other men, including you. THAT is wrong.

I agree with you. See the end of this post for more info.

Oh yeah.. I forgot about the part that he's seeing her today... if he's so much in control and just 'cool' about her.. why the hell would he see her today... humm..

She works at my gym. I see her 3x a week.

she probably works at his gym or some restaurant close to his house... that's my guess.

Bingo.

How can you handle this is if she isn't even telling her possibly soon to be EX fiancee that she wants out and doesn't want to marry him anymore? That she wants to break up with him? If she's more or less pursuing you now, what is stopping her from actually ending with him? Do you know if she's atleast spoken to him? Or is this going to be a complete shock to him?

Again, see the end of this post for more info.

Yeah, I'm a little surprised, Caliguy! One kiss and its all over the place! ;p

Flirting while she was in a relationship - how long did that go on? Even if the nickname you got was not her intention, she let it happen, didn't she? I don't know if that really qualifies her as a great person.

That being said, I also understand that sometimes, you're just with the wrong person for you, and it just takes the right guy to come along to make you want to change things and be happy.

I dunno, just seems a bit fishy to me... like you of all people, who gives out generally good advice, is in a situation like this!

If she does break the engagement off, even if you stay out of things from here on it, you will no doubt be part of what influenced her to break things off!

I don't know. I'm 19. Hahah ;p If age really does make people wiser, then you're definitely ahead of me

Just wanted to post my thoughts ;p

I agree with the sentiment that sometimes you're with the wrong person and it makes the right person who comes along to help you see that. This could well be the case.

How would you know if she was? I mean, I doubt this guy even has a clue that she's unhappy and messing around, flirting and telling everyone she's wanting out of her relationship. She obviously is good at hiding her feelings and what she's been up to around him, you say this has been going on (her being unhappy for afew months or so) for a while now. That's not a good habit she has, exiting her relationship, being with other men (you) and not dealing with what's really going on at home.

SHE SHOULD BE TALKING TO HIM, and not to you, not to her friends.. Sure, support is one thing, but WHO is advising her to lay it out all on the line at home for him? HE deserves someone who will love him and right now her actions are showing disrespect and not love.

Ok so an update.

Today I went to the gym (as you have seen earlier, that is where she works) and one of her co-worker's who I am friends with pulls me aside and says "There's something wrong with XXX. She hasn't been wearing her engagement ring much the past *couple weeks* (I hadn't even noticed). I think she's got some problems at home. Also, I heard you guys went out this weekend. She said she had a great time hanging out with you."

When I walked into the gym we said hi, but the phone rang so she had to answer it. I went and worked out. When I came back up, I could tell she was stressed out. We chatted briefly but she wasn't in a good mood and I don't think it was me.

Obviously what this tells me is that she had doubts well before this weekend. Now whether *I* am the reason she is having doubts or not, I don't know. The simple fact is we kissed, we both enjoyed it, there's a lot of attraction between us (I mean, come on. She was telling everyone at work how much fun she had hanging out with me this weekend -- at least, that is what the co-worker said).

Now her behavior today, I am not sure if it's stress, she isn't sure or whatever, but I acted like my normal self, I didn't pressure her to talk or anything and I acted cool. Well, it wasn't an act, lol. I just *AM* always cool around her. She just wasn't in a mood to chat.

All I can say is from what I saw today and over the weekend, she doesn't want to marry this guy. She isn't happy in that relationship and I think Art is completely right.

Back off, let her handle her stuff on her own and see how things play out. If she wants to talk, I'll talk to her but I am not going to pursue or chase in this case. She knows how I feel about her and letting her relationship pan out and letting things settle down seems to be the best course of action.

Thoughts?

October 21, 2008

Keep your fingers and toes crossed.. she might dump the fiancé and come running at your door.. who knows?

Good luck..

October 21, 2008

I'd say "hands off". You know better than this. You couldn't be so desperate that you have to mess around with a woman who has promised her life to another man. There's no way you can make this seem like a good idea.

October 21, 2008

I'd say "hands off". You know better than this. You couldn't be so desperate that you have to mess around with a woman who has promised her life to another man. There's no way you can make this seem like a good idea.

Read the update at the bottom of the previous page, Johan.

October 21, 2008

Do what you want to do. Don't expect her actions to make sense. Make sure the blow-off valve is operating

October 21, 2008

I'd say "hands off". You know better than this. You couldn't be so desperate that you have to mess around with a woman who has promised her life to another man. There's no way you can make this seem like a good idea.

Maybe he would make a favour to this guy..

October 21, 2008

Back off, let her handle her stuff on her own and see how things play out. If she wants to talk, I'll talk to her but I am not going to pursue or chase in this case. She knows how I feel about her and letting her relationship pan out and letting things settle down seems to be the best course of action.

Thoughts?

I think you should write off your feelings for her and those you think she might have for you. There are plenty of options here:

She can't make a commitment.
She can fake one even when her heart isn't in it.
She doesn't have a problem with deceiving her guy.
She lost some respect for you when you made it clear you were ok with her cheating.
Her actions have more to do with how she feels about her life than they have to do with her feelings for you. i.e. when her situation changes so will her attitude.

Maybe that sounds negative, but at least one of those things is true.

October 21, 2008

TBH, she gets attention from a lot of guys. She's extremely attractive and a delight to talk to. She's a good person and I know that from talking to her. When we were out last Saturday she was being hounded by guys, yet she choose to dance and talk to me. That says a lot to me.

I'm sure her fiance is the only one she's paying attention to when she's out with him too. And I bet when she's out with Joe the Plumber, she focuses on him too.

What makes you think the only men she does this with are you and her fiance?

October 21, 2008

I'm sure her fiance is the only one she's paying attention to when she's out with him too. And I bet when she's out with Joe the Plumber, she focuses on him too.

What makes you think the only men she does this with are you and her fiance?

Because she always goes out with her work friends and that's what they told me. I have no reason to not believe them.

Besides, she did text me early the next morning saying what a great time she had.

October 21, 2008

I'm sure her friends tell other guys the same thing too. And I'm sure she texts other guys the morning after too.

You know I love ya, CG. You ARE special. But you're fooling yourself if you think it's only because of YOU that she cheated.

You're in for a mound of heartbreak, whether because she never leaves her fiance, or because she cheats on you in the future. Best of luck.

October 21, 2008

Perhaps she is having doubts about her fiance... As we all know... Lets say she does break it off.. One does not just get over someone... It would be very easy for her once she does break up to have you waiting for her... What about the withdrawals... the roller coaster ride that comes with a break up... That takes time...

Personally, if she decides to break it off with fiance, she needs to do it because she wants to do it, not for you or anybody else... which could end up with you being in a rebound situation.

She needs to be fully over him in order to be with someone else... Wouldn't that be the best scenerio?

October 21, 2008

Hey CG, think about her fiance for a minute. Remember when your ex that brought you here was here? Well, now he is you, about to get his heart ripped to pieces by a piece of s**t woman while she's dallying around with some other guy (you), and that piece of s**t woman is your major ex (who brought you here.)

Think about it.

October 21, 2008

I've read this whole thread, and this caught my attention:

She took the engagement ring off, briefly.

One question: did she put the ring back on?

I honestly don't remember.

If she took it off briefly, then she must have put it back on. No?

Anyway, my point is that's icky. That she would treat their engagement ring, a symbol of the lifetime commitment they both agreed to make, as something to be taken off and on in front of other guys she's flirting with and dancing with and telling them she's not getting married. She's icky for being so casual about her fiancee's love and intention.

It's an icky thing to do. It really is. Thus, I don't like her. I also don't like that you're so into her that you'll make allowances for her behavior. Is she another one of those inappropriate women you always fall for?

I'm speaking as someone who was once in her shoes, and even though I did a lot of awful things, when I took my ring off, it was only to place it gently in my ex's hand.

I think you should write off your feelings for her and those you think she might have for you. There are plenty of options here:

Her actions have more to do with how she feels about her life than they have to do with her feelings for you. i.e. when her situation changes so will her attitude.
Maybe that sounds negative, but at least one of those things is true.

That's the one I'd pick. It was true for me.

October 21, 2008

Didn't you refer to the guy who took your woman from you (the ex who brought you here) as a DIRTBAG?

And your major ex who brought you here, you haven't referred to her very kindly either (who is now this bar chick you are after.)

Think about it.

Anyway, don't you think you can do better than a bar maid/waitress/service person who gets those tips in a Please Tip cup?

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