Caliguy: In a pickle here...

[CaliGuy]

I hear what everyone is saying and I'm following what I know to be right (which mostly follows Art's thoughts). I know she isn't married and I for one, having been in her fiancé's shoes, know that I wouldn't be real happy right now either if I were he.

 

I'm going to take a wait and see approach. She needs to sort her life out first and decide if I am someone she wants to pursue. I am not going to pursue her. The fact is, there is interest on both sides but it means nothing while she is with her fiancé.

 

And I realize some people think that I've done something wrong and frankly to a small degree, I agree. Yeah I probably shouldn't have kissed her. I can't help how I feel. Yes, I could have taken her home but somewhere my morale fiber kicked in and said "This isn't right…"

 

We've all made mistakes. We've been on both sides of the coin and yeah, there are some red flags there. I'm not naive. I know what's at stake here and I'm not going to put my eggs in one basket so to speak.

 

If she wants me, she knows how to find me…

[Yamaha]

You should CG, because that 'guy' you feel for, was you not too long ago..When lady cheated on you..

 

There are so many red flags flapping around - Bottomline - She is living with him, and engaged. IF she really IS unhappy, she MUST communicate that with him..I wonder if he is even aware that she's distancing herself from him, has kissed another man (you, is unhappy in the relationship. How do you know she's actually thinking of breaking it off with him? What if she's just enjoying having a close male friend who is sexually attracted to her..You of all people know you can't be 'friends' with someone who you have feelings for, let alone have kissed and are sexually attracted to..

 

Just seems to me that she's enjoying the 'friendship' with you too much so I hope that kiss doesn't happen again. Don't spend ANY alone time with her, texting to her, emailing, talking on the phone...You need to really cut her out of your life, don't BE the shoulder or the supportive friend she can turn to about her fiancee.

 

She's wearing the ring? She's fully engaged then..

 

I totally agree. She likes your attention and she KNOWS your feelings are not just friendly. I think you are way hooked and dating others will just be a formality as "she is everything you want in a women". I don't think she will leave the guy in the long term but is playing her options before the marriage.

Just sit on the sidelines and see what develops. It is the role of the OM.

[Stockalone]

It was innocent and platonic because we never spoke outside of her work. Is that not easy to understand?

 

You can flirt and develop feelings or let attraction grow to unhealthy levels, regardless of where and how you meet. So I would argue that just because you never talked or socialized outside work, there is still the potential that your friendship can be detrimental to their engagement.

 

 

I don't think I would have ever gone there had she told me "Hey I am completely happy with my fiance and am excited to be married to him." Had she said anything even remotely like that I would have backed off. Instead, she said just the opposite and was, I think in a very blatent way, trying to tell me "I am available if you are interested…"

 

Frankly, it doesn't make a difference to me if she gave you the green light or not.

 

 

 

I think you guys are looking far too much into that then there really was. It was her work friends and it was simply a running joke. Again, other than this past Saturday we have never hung out outside of her work. That's it.

 

Sure, it's possible that I read too much into it. As I said, the "other fiancé" just sounds like there is something more than a mere friendship.

 

 

 

I'm not sure why that would matter but the answer is no.

 

I asked this question because I always asked my gf's to introduce me to their male friends. I am suspicious of guys who are friends with a woman but have never met the bf. And you have known this woman for a year.

 

Of course it's possible that I am just too paranoid about male friends that I haven't met, but I think something is not right with this situation where a woman has a male friend (even thought you haven't met outside her workplace) for a year without that friend ever being introduced to the bf.

 

You could bet your bottom dollar that had I been in her bf's shoes, I would have shown up at her workplace to make sure I got to know you. My guess is that she hasn't even told her bf about you.

[Lizzie60]

I hear what everyone is saying and I'm following what I know to be right (which mostly follows Art's thoughts). I know she isn't married and I for one, having been in her fiancé's shoes, know that I wouldn't be real happy right now either if I were he.

 

I'm going to take a wait and see approach. She needs to sort her life out first and decide if I am someone she wants to pursue. I am not going to pursue her. The fact is, there is interest on both sides but it means nothing while she is with her fiancé.

 

And I realize some people think that I've done something wrong and frankly to a small degree, I agree. Yeah I probably shouldn't have kissed her. I can't help how I feel. Yes, I could have taken her home but somewhere my morale fiber kicked in and said "This isn't right…"

 

We've all made mistakes. We've been on both sides of the coin and yeah, there are some red flags there. I'm not naive. I know what's at stake here and I'm not going to put my eggs in one basket so to speak.

 

If she wants me, she knows how to find me…

 

I don't get it.. you don't want to pursue this cause she has a financé .. You're not naive.. you know what's at stake here..

 

BUT

 

if she wants you, she knows how to find you..

 

methink, if she calls you, you'll go.. you're already quite hooked my friend..

[2sunny]

I don't get it.. you don't want to pursue this cause she has a financé .. You're not naive.. you know what's at stake here..

 

BUT

 

if she wants you, she knows how to find you..

 

methink, if she calls you, you'll go.. you're already quite hooked my friend..

 

sure she knows how to find him... when the time is right - and things are sorted through - it may be up for consideration.

 

just because he's interested doesn't mean he'll throw his morals and guidelines for common decency out the window.

[CaliGuy]

I totally agree. She likes your attention and she KNOWS your feelings are not just friendly. I think you are way hooked and dating others will just be a formality as "she is everything you want in a women". I don't think she will leave the guy in the long term but is playing her options before the marriage.

Just sit on the sidelines and see what develops. It is the role of the OM.

 

TBH, she gets attention from a lot of guys. She's extremely attractive and a delight to talk to. She's a good person and I know that from talking to her. When we were out last Saturday she was being hounded by guys, yet she choose to dance and talk to me. That says a lot to me.

 

As for being the OM, I think there has to be a lot more to the relationship than just a kiss, and that's all it was. There's nothing outside of that. She's got some business to take care of at home and until that happens, I won't be the OM. I'm going to live and enjoy life - as I have been for some time

 

You can flirt and develop feelings or let attraction grow to unhealthy levels, regardless of where and how you meet. So I would argue that just because you never talked or socialized outside work, there is still the potential that your friendship can be detrimental to their engagement.

 

Frankly, it doesn't make a difference to me if she gave you the green light or not.

 

Sure, it's possible that I read too much into it. As I said, the "other fiancé" just sounds like there is something more than a mere friendship.

 

I asked this question because I always asked my gf's to introduce me to their male friends. I am suspicious of guys who are friends with a woman but have never met the bf. And you have known this woman for a year.

 

Of course it's possible that I am just too paranoid about male friends that I haven't met, but I think something is not right with this situation where a woman has a male friend (even thought you haven't met outside her workplace) for a year without that friend ever being introduced to the bf.

 

You could bet your bottom dollar that had I been in her bf's shoes, I would have shown up at her workplace to make sure I got to know you. My guess is that she hasn't even told her bf about you.

 

Do you think, perhaps, that she hasn't introduced me to him simply because she knows she is going to end the relationship and therefore introducing us wouldn't be the best idea? I can't speak for her or where her head is at though.

[Nevermind]

TBH, she gets attention from a lot of guys. She's extremely attractive and a delight to talk to. She's a good person and I know that from talking to her. When we were out last Saturday she was being hounded by guys, yet she choose to dance and talk to me. That says a lot to me.

 

What does it say?

 

Do you think, perhaps, that she hasn't introduced me to him simply because she knows she is going to end the relationship and therefore introducing us wouldn't be the best idea? I can't speak for her or where her head is at though.

 

That would imply that she has known for a year that the relationship will not last.

[CaliGuy]

sure she knows how to find him... when the time is right - and things are sorted through - it may be up for consideration.

 

just because he's interested doesn't mean he'll throw his morals and guidelines for common decency out the window.

 

Exactly. To push her now, before she's ended the relationship with her fiance would not only be twisting her arm, it'd be downright rude. I don't need to push her. She will come to me when the time is right. If I push, I will show her that I am not mature and confident enough to wait it out. Not being patient also would show her I don't really place and confident or respect on myself. I'm worth her time -- when the time is right.

[Lishy]

You are gonna get hurt here Cali! Be careful!!

[xpaperxcutx]

One question CG, what do you expect out of all of this? Do you honestly believe that she will run to you, or are you secretly hoping that she will choose you over the fiance?

[Lizzie60]

I think that unless he keeps showing her he's interested.. she will NOT be pursuing him.. if he stops showing interest she also will.. that's how it goes most of the time..

 

If she likes the attention, and he stops giving it to her.. she will stop showing her interest.. it's simple as that... IMO.

[Lishy]

I agree Lizzie BUT Cali would not be happy with a girl who cheats on her fiance, no matter how it is dressed up

[whichwayisup]

When we were out last Saturday she was being hounded by guys, yet she choose to dance and talk to me. That says a lot to me.

 

It also says alot that she's out and about, dancing with other guys while she's engaged. Where's the fiancee?

[Yamaha]

She's extremely attractive

 

This seems to be your MO for the women you date. Your dating experience hasn't been the best and IMO I think you put WAY to much emphasis on the facade. You know you are way hooked with this gal and you are just waiting for her to leave the promised H and be with you. Are you ready to handle a gal who gets so much attention from other guys? You like it now because it is feeding your ego but there is a price to pay for beauty and your honesty and integrity doesn't seem to jive with the women you like.

[Stockalone]

Do you think, perhaps, that she hasn't introduced me to him simply because she knows she is going to end the relationship and therefore introducing us wouldn't be the best idea? I can't speak for her or where her head is at though.

 

Well, if she has been planning to get rid of her fiancé for that long and this is the reason why she hasn't introduced you or other potential replacements to her fiancé, that would speak volumes about her character.

 

It is also possible that she has told her fiancé about you as a friend, and he trusts her without reservation and, unlike me, sees no reason why he would want to meet his gf's male friends.

[whichwayisup]

If she likes the attention, and he stops giving it to her.. she will stop showing her interest.. it's simple as that... IMO.

 

Then she is just after attention, which means she has no real feelings for CG and all this flirting and the kiss meant nothing. It was just an ego thing.

 

IF she has 'real' feelings for him and sees potiental in a relationship with him, then she WILL go looking for him after she ends it with her fiancee.

[Lizzie60]

Then she is just after attention, which means she has no real feelings for CG and all this flirting and the kiss meant nothing. It was just an ego thing.

 

IF she has 'real' feelings for him and sees potiental in a relationship with him, then she WILL go looking for him after she ends it with her fiancee.

 

 

Yep that's my take on this.. it's an ego trip.. he said that she's extremely attractive.. she has hords of guys after her.. she's not stupid .. she knows the reaction she gets from men.. and she looooves it..

 

The kiss meant nothing IMO.. she probably kissed other guys as well..

 

If she was that bored with her fiancé there is no reason she would stick around.. especially when she can have all the men she wants.. doesn't make sense to me..

[CaliGuy]

You are gonna get hurt here Cali! Be careful!!

 

I'm being very careful, trust me.

 

One question CG, what do you expect out of all of this? Do you honestly believe that she will run to you, or are you secretly hoping that she will choose you over the fiance?

 

I don't think there's any secret that I'd like it if she were to end the relationship with him and come to me.

 

I think that unless he keeps showing her he's interested.. she will NOT be pursuing him.. if he stops showing interest she also will.. that's how it goes most of the time..

 

If she likes the attention, and he stops giving it to her.. she will stop showing her interest.. it's simple as that... IMO.

 

She will get my attention but I'm not going to pursue anything other than friendship until she ends her current relationship.

 

I agree Lizzie BUT Cali would not be happy with a girl who cheats on her fiance, no matter how it is dressed up

 

Agreed! If she will cheat on him with me, she'll cheat on me with someone else.

 

It also says alot that she's out and about, dancing with other guys while she's engaged. Where's the fiancee?

 

He won't go out with her. She said that he *thinks* her friends don't like him so he won't go. She invites him every time but he won't go.

 

This seems to be your MO for the women you date. Your dating experience hasn't been the best and IMO I think you put WAY to much emphasis on the facade. You know you are way hooked with this gal and you are just waiting for her to leave the promised H and be with you. Are you ready to handle a gal who gets so much attention from other guys? You like it now because it is feeding your ego but there is a price to pay for beauty and your honesty and integrity doesn't seem to jive with the women you like.

 

Can't help what I am attracted to, Yamaha, anymore than you can. Remember, we've been friends now for about a year. It wasn't until I got to know her as a person that I really started to like her.

 

Well, if she has been planning to get rid of her fiancé for that long and this is the reason why she hasn't introduced you or other potential replacements to her fiancé, that would speak volumes about her character.

 

It is also possible that she has told her fiancé about you as a friend, and he trusts her without reservation and, unlike me, sees no reason why he would want to meet his gf's male friends.

 

I don't know. She may have told him about me but again, we've only been talking at her work. It wasn't until this weekend that we hung out. IIRC, she did invite him to come Sat night but he declined.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think there's any secret that I'd like it if she were to end the relationship with him and come to me.

 

Would you get together with her pretty much right away, or would you give her afew months to be alone before dating her?

[whichwayisup]

Can't help what I am attracted to, Yamaha, anymore than you can. Remember, we've been friends now for about a year. It wasn't until I got to know her as a person that I really started to like her.

 

But you can control what you do about it. To a point. I mean if you go out with her in a group, or alone, those feelings ARE going to be fed. You two aren't "platonic and innocent" anymore - Lines have been crossed, she knows it and you know it..

[Lizzie60]

Cali...if I were you I would be extremely careful...

 

She will get my attention but I'm not going to pursue anything other than friendship until she ends her current relationship.

 

If I were you I would ignore her until she makes up her mind.. You're not stupid and you know very well that she will respond to your attention in a way that will 'please' you and you might get hooked... Don't underestimate the power of a beautiful woman..

[CaliGuy]

Yep that's my take on this.. it's an ego trip.. he said that she's extremely attractive.. she has hords of guys after her.. she's not stupid .. she knows the reaction she gets from men.. and she looooves it..

 

The kiss meant nothing IMO.. she probably kissed other guys as well..

 

If she was that bored with her fiancé there is no reason she would stick around.. especially when she can have all the men she wants.. doesn't make sense to me..

 

She's the one who asked me out. She's the one who texts me She's been pursuing me. Yep, she could have any guy she wants and she wants me.

 

That should tell you I'm a catch, Lizzie. Even if we don't end together, there will be someone else.

 

There always is

[sunshinegirl]

Agreed! If she will cheat on him with me, she'll cheat on me with someone else.

 

Whatever label you want to put on what she has done (IMO it's cheating; you don't seem as willing to call it that), you should think long and hard about how you would feel if she pulls the exact same thing on you in a year or two.

 

Are you going to feel as sympathetic towards her if she starts emotionally pulling away from you, taking off her engagement ring, dancing with and kissing another guy and telling him she's definitely not going to marry you (her live-in boyfriend) and that she has discussed it at length with her sisters all the while you're in the dark about all of this?

 

If this thing starts to go in a positive direction for you (ie she dumps the fiance and comes after you), I would be very very wary of pursuing things if she sees nothing wrong with how she's handled things with her fiance.

 

Yuck. The whole thing makes me ill - the total lack of concern she, and you, are exhibiting toward the fiance.

[CaliGuy]

Would you get together with her pretty much right away, or would you give her afew months to be alone before dating her?

 

I would give it some time. As I said, she's been pulling away from this guy for weeks, maybe months now. I don't know how long. We'll know when the time is right. There's no need to rush.

 

But you can control what you do about it. To a point. I mean if you go out with her in a group, or alone, those feelings ARE going to be fed. You two aren't "platonic and innocent" anymore - Lines have been crossed, she knows it and you know it..

 

Yep. That's why it's time to back away and see what happens.

 

Cali...if I were you I would be extremely careful...

 

She will get my attention but I'm not going to pursue anything other than friendship until she ends her current relationship.

 

If I were you I would ignore her until she makes up her mind.. You're not stupid and you know very well that she will respond to your attention in a way that will 'please' you and you might get hooked... Don't underestimate the power of a beautiful woman..

 

I'm not going to be rude and totally ignore her. I just won't respond to any advances or hang out until she's ended it with him.

[Lizzie60]

Good.. keep your end of the rope.. Good luck with your control..