Caliguy: In a pickle here...

[CaliGuy]

There is a flip side to this as well....

 

The time might be right at this very moment as well.. who is to really say.. Right now things have changed since he started this thread....

Carhill pointed out that he will be replaced if he doesn't date her...

 

If I was in CG's place I can tell you that I would be considering hitting it.. but with the expectations that it might not be the right move..

 

Waiting and doing nothing doesn't guarantee him anything.. the BF is gone.. the ring is gone and she wants to go out...

 

I agree that she is obviously gonna be needing some time to herself.. but she is also the one in control of herself... when I said to sit back and wait I wasn't considering that she was gonna dump her BF in a few days

 

Sometimes there is no better time than the present.. of course sometimes waiting also brings the best rewards.. who knows CG.. do what you want to.. there isn't a wrong or right way to go here anymore..

 

Agreed. I am basing my actions off the information I am receiving now from her. I am NOT going to be the rebound guy nor am I looking at this as a short time deal -- and she knows that. What I am not going to do is be pushy or clingy/needy with her.

 

On one hand, I know it's right to let her sort her feelings out.

On the other hand, if I show that much disinterest, she may think I don't like her.

 

Rock... meet hard place.

 

 

Aren't we all really playing devils advocate when we say he should not go near her ?

 

I like carhill's track of thought.. the ex might still be in the picture.. or on the sidelines hearing from her that she needs time to date others.. but then that means death for him anyhow.. or at least that is what we tell people that come to LS when they hear it from their SO...

 

I think CG needs to really pay attention to what she wants from him that way he doesn't get hurt by her if he finds out later that she isn't going to give him what he is looking for...

 

Nothing wrong with going out and having fun with someone.. where it goes from there is all up to the parties involved and where they sit..

 

Yup. That's how I see things. I'm going to have this on a short leash so to speak. One finger on the ejection button until I am satsified that we're both feeling the same way and the relationship progresses.

 

I read somewhere at least I thought I did that he did move out from her.. it seems there are a few posts missing or he edited it out so I can't find them

 

Can you clear that up CG ?.. did her ex move out ?.. I was posting with the impression that he had moved out...

If he has not then my advice is off and would need to be adjusted ...

 

Yep he's out of the house.

 

When I ended my engagement, I moved out, and I was done, but HE was not. Thus followed months of calls, letters, and showing up at my door with flowers. He was not a bad person and I did care for him (enough to agree to marry him, at one point!), so I did not just slam the door or phone in his face. He needed closure, he needed to understand, he needed to be heard, and I needed to deal with the fall-out of my decision. Just because I was done, did not mean that seeing his pain didn't affect me and my emotions and my thoughts. I needed to process his actions and reactions, in addition to my own.

 

And the guy I dated during all this? Dumped...unappealing to me as soon as I had cleared my head and heart of the old relationship. Not only was he not the right guy for me in the long run, I only really liked him when we were out partying...guess why? I liked the distraction, and really didn't have much interest in him when I didn't need a distraction anymore but wanted a real relationship. NOT THAT I WAS CONSCIOUS OF THIS AT THE TIME! She may not be either, thus she sounds soooo sincere to CG.

 

You don't just end an engagement and jump into dating other people and expect a good, healthy outcome!!!

 

So, that's why I keep telling CG that he is only a transition guy for her right now. She still needs to transition from her engagement to being on her own without her fiancee to dating other people to developing a relationship with a new bf. If CG is afraid she'll date other guys if he steps back, better them than he! Let her get this out of her system, but not on his time and his dime. Any guys she dates right now is a rebound, and a crutch.

 

While normally I would agree with you on this if it was someone else or another situation but in her case, if she just wanted a fling or something to keep her mind off her ex, she does not lack suitors. I am not kidding when I say this woman can have any man she wants at the snap of a finger. I am very concious of this.

 

When we hung out a few weeks ago, I saw the attention men give her. She hates it. She doesn't want a fling. She's not nearly as broken up about the relationship as I thought she would be and I think it's because mentally she had been pulling away long before she pulled the trigger.

 

So why does she like when she can have anyone she wants?

 

It's simple. I'm not like most of the guys she is used to. Our personalities click very well (and are similar in ways). We think a lot alike, have similar long term goals. I respect her need for space or to not talk about certain things and she does the same for me.

 

So the conundrum I am in is simply this. If I decline hanging out or talking to her, I stand the risk of losing her due to me acting totally disinterested. On the other hand, if we move too fast, this could explode in our faces.

 

Something I want to make extremely clear. Her and I HAVE discussed the situation. We're both in agreement that dating right now is not the best idea but we have a strong interest in each other. She's also aware, and I made this clear, that I wasn't going to be sitting at home waiting for her to call. I told her that she has all the space she needs to get her personal life in order and get over the failed relationship -- but not forever.

 

Look, if she is so needy that she has to start dating right away (and she said she wasn't going to and I believe her) then she's the wrong woman for me anyway.

 

2Sunny brought up the point about my faith and waiting this long. We discussed this too and both agree, if we're right for each other it will happen and that there should be no pressure from EITHER side to rush into anything.

 

When I think about how to handle this situation, I don't know what I could do differently. There's rushing in too fast and there's taking thing so slow it fizzles out. See what I am saying?

 

If the relationship is meant to be, it will work out and time won't be the main mitigating factor. The relationship will work itself out and we won't have to work or force anything.

[OpenBook]

I don't get it. What happened to all the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" advice you've been doling out to guys on here?? It's like you're now a different person, posting.

 

Or is this just a perfect example of the advice I always dole-out... "Don't pay any attention to what a man SAYS - pay attention to what he DOES"??

[johan]

"Don't pay any attention to what a man SAYS - pay attention to what he DOES"??

 

This is always good advice. On the other hand, just because I'm not doing any of the women on LS doesn't mean I wouldn't.

[CaliGuy]

Beautifull Spoken Nora ! CG This is like post # 233 regarding this woman ...I have to say you have all the earmarks of someone who is on the rebound by * hanging out * with you ...

 

When a woman says " I want to be your friend or I want to take it slow " To me it shows she is aware you like her but you are friendzoned. She may feel alot of things ( about her breakup or other matters ) and there you are...Every hug will be interpreted by you , every wink , every laugh.

 

On the contrary, she has expressed a romantic interest in me....

 

Answer this next question honesty : You receive a call from her a week from now and she raves on and on about a gorgeous guy she met . She has had her fill of you and she met someone she WILL rush into the arms of and WILL make time and who is looking at a clock ? ( er taking it slow )

 

Again, she doesn't lack suitors. She is the one who wants to spend time with me. She likes me, what do you want me to say? She's made it CLEAR she likes me and sees long term potential in us -- but right NOW is not the time to push for it.

 

So the question is : How would that make you feel if she meets someone more amazing to her ?

 

It wouldn't be the first time it's happened to me. I can handle it.

 

Will you ( and are you ) still putting your eggs out there in different baskets and meeting other girls too ?

 

I told her that I wasn't going to be waiting by the phone, if you catch my drift. She knows that there is no pressure from me to date and that if doors are opened elsewhere that I may very well move on.

 

Yes, to answer the question I have been meeting other women and going on dates.

 

I know you think she's the one . Does she think that too ?

 

I don't think I've ever said she is the one. I said she has the most long term potential for me, based on her personality and how well we get along.

 

Only time will answer that question.

[CaliGuy]

I don't get it. What happened to all the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" advice you've been doling out to guys on here?? It's like you're now a different person, posting.

 

Or is this just a perfect example of the advice I always dole-out... "Don't pay any attention to what a man SAYS - pay attention to what he DOES"??

 

I'm not putting a ton of stock in what she says. But so far, her words and her actions have been in sync.

[Mary3]

Do I want her? Uhh, unequivocally YES. She's everything I could ever want in a woman, and then some That's why her friends at work call me her "other" fiancé, because even they see that we'd make a great couple.

Quote 2

I don't think I've ever said she is the one. I said she has the most long term potential for me, based on her personality and how well we get along.

 

hrmmm both your quotes. ....

 

It seems like you are doing textbook thinking , everything right to the tee but life won't work that way even if you do everything * right * with this girl . She is a human being , a stunning hot creature of this earth who can change her mind at a drop of a dime . Because she can...

 

Have you ever liked average girls or just stunners ? Stunners have more options...and of course easier on the eyes

[johan]

I'm not putting a ton of stock in what she says. But so far, her words and her actions have been in sync.

 

I think Openbook was questioning the difference between your words and your actions. It's no secret that you don't take much of your own advice.

[Mary3]

May I borrow this quote just posted by KMT on another thread :

 

Originally Posted by KMT

I don't believe in the friendzone... its a made up phenomenom perpetuated by the misobservation of guys who thought it was a good idea to act like all they ever wanted was friendship with a girl they actualy wanted a romantic relationship with. If you act like a friend and then are to afraid to make a move till after some time of friendship then well you may actually be in a worse possistion to start a relationship then if you started from scratch because its weird when some one acts the oposite of what you were used to. The trick to never being friendzoned is to act like yourself an make your feelings known one way or another to girls you like... then you'll only be rejected!

 

Agreeeed ! ALways play the Romance card if you want romance ! ALWAYS....

[Braska]

Are you desperate Caliguy? Because you sound like you are. I don't think most people would get involved in this situation unless they were in desperate need of a woman and willing to be humiliated like this. You being used and being rebound guy is very obvious here. She will end up playing you for a fool.

[CaliGuy]

Do I want her? Uhh, unequivocally YES. She's everything I could ever want in a woman, and then some That's why her friends at work call me her "other" fiancé, because even they see that we'd make a great couple.

Quote 2

I don't think I've ever said she is the one. I said she has the most long term potential for me, based on her personality and how well we get along.

 

hrmmm both your quotes. ....

 

It seems like you are doing textbook thinking , everything right to the tee but life won't work that way even if you do everything * right * with this girl . She is a human being , a stunning hot creature of this earth who can change her mind at a drop of a dime . Because she can...

 

Any woman can, LOL! It's not like that is new information.

 

And I said she's everything I want but I have yet to come to the determination that she is THE one. She has the qualities I am looking for and it's not the level of attractiveness.

 

Have you ever liked average girls or just stunners ? Stunners have more options...and of course easier on the eyes

 

While true she is extremely attractive, it's her personality that pushes her over the top. I have dated my fair share of attractive women with crappy personalities and average women with good personalities.

 

If she is the *right* woman for me, time will tell.

 

As for her options, of that she has many -- yet, she still maintains a strong interest in me.

 

Once again, time will tell...

[CaliGuy]

Agreeeed ! ALways play the Romance card if you want romance ! ALWAYS....

 

Already made that clear. The friendzone is no place I want to be. We BOTH have a romantic interest in each other. That's been made clear as well.

 

Are you desperate Caliguy? Because you sound like you are. I don't think most people would get involved in this situation unless they were in desperate need of a woman and willing to be humiliated like this. You being used and being rebound guy is very obvious here. She will end up playing you for a fool.

 

Do you know me, Braska? Have you ever met me? The answer is no. And unless you are sitting in my shoes, seeing the situation first hand, your opinion is just that. An opinion, but not fact.

 

The only TRUE answer from this situation will be known after some time has passed. In the meantime, I am neither acting desperate nor am I being humiliated.

 

Some people! lol

[CaliGuy]

I think Openbook was questioning the difference between your words and your actions. It's no secret that you don't take much of your own advice.

 

I never said I was perfect, did I? I never said I was not fallable and human. However, my words and my actions are coinciding.

 

Again, we'll see what happens. If it works, great. If not, there will be someone else.

 

There always is

[Mary3]

If this means anything , the females on here are trying to help you , hopefully you can understand we KNOW what its like to put the guy in the dreaded friendzone because we do it everyday. ( Well not everyday , not like a heartbreaker , but we do it ) We recognize some of her methods.....

 

Not to say the males are not helping you too . They are ! They are telling you mostly to hit the romance hard and fast ! Never move too slow , too soft on that . The girl will not * get it * if you turtle~ize your moves

[Art_Critic]

turtle~ize

 

---... do you have that trademarked ??

[CaliGuy]

If this means anything , the females on here are trying to help you , hopefully you can understand we KNOW what its like to put the guy in the dreaded friendzone because we do it everyday. ( Well not everyday , not like a heartbreaker , but we do it ) We recognize some of her methods.....

 

Not to say the males are not helping you too . They are ! They are telling you mostly to hit the romance hard and fast ! Never move too slow , too soft on that . The girl will not * get it * if you turtle~ize your moves

 

Oh trust me I am listening and heeding. Understand that not everything is so flat, cut and dry.

 

I am taking the advice here and from my past experiences. I know how to handle this and what the right thing to do is.

 

I definitely appreciate the advice. Whatever happens, happens. I ain't gonna kill me. Of that I can assure you.

[Mary3]

---... do you have that trademarked ??

 

I just made it up. I guess I should get to the Patent Office,...

[Mary3]

Oh trust me I am listening and heeding. Understand that not everything is so flat, cut and dry.

 

I am taking the advice here and from my past experiences. I know how to handle this and what the right thing to do is.

 

I definitely appreciate the advice. Whatever happens, happens. I ain't gonna kill me. Of that I can assure you.

 

How does that saying go : "Whatever does not kill me......or something like that ..." ( Somebody know the quote ? )

[johan]

"Whatever does not kill me makes me either stronger or more bitter."

[Mary3]

"Whatever does not kill me makes me either stronger or more bitter."

 

Thank you Johan. So true in my case

[Art_Critic]

Thank you Johan. So true in my case

 

His too !!

[Mary3]

His too !!

 

Did someone or something try to anialate Johan ?

[johan]

After going through experiences like what CaliGuy is about to go through, I've learned that eating lots of pineapple cuts the extra bitterness.

[Mary3]

After going through experiences like what CaliGuy is about to go through, I've learned that eating lots of pineapple cuts the extra bitterness.

 

Don't you mean cuts the salti~ness >

[2sunny]

yaaaaaawn, 2sunny is bored now with justifications and contradictions and info being repeated over and over... i'll just wait for the next chapter. wake me up when it's beginning...

[Trialbyfire]

Cali, I'm seeing a reverse parallel situation here. Do you see it?