wonderboy00 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Hey everyone. This is my first post here, and I've been reading for a little while, and you all have already helped me so much. So me and this girl have been going out for a few months, and it's been amazing. So close, so much conversation, so many similarities and interesting differences; she is beautiful, stable, smart, and loving. She's third year university and I'm fourth year. However... Lately, as in the past few weeks, I've been feeling something strange, something I can't (and don't want to!) put my finger on. I was reading the post by LucreziaBorgia (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=55268), and it totally describes how I was feeling. Something was dissipating, I felt like it was going to end (she's also going away next semester, and when she gets back I will be done university and who knows where I will be?). I felt changes coming in me that couldn't fit with how I felt about her. I felt like the love I professed couldn't match hers, and it made me feel guilty. Thoughts would just snowball in my head about us eventually breaking up, and I couldn't stop the flood once it was beginning. When we were at her house one night I brought it up, and she was so scared and so was I; we were very close and I want her so much. To make a long story short... no matter how much we talked about it, I just couldn't make these feelings go away. They kept getting stronger. The more intensely and nakedly she showed me her love, the worse I felt, the more I felt like I was going to hurt her and that I couldn't reciprocate enough. We almost broke up about a week ago, but then the 'needy' feeling came over me and I asked her to stay, that we could fix things, that I really care for her and want her so bad. Which is true. But here we are, and last night I went over to her house and we gently broke up. Rather, I broke up with her. She is deeply in love with me still. I felt relieved as I left, like I'd finally done it (this is my first time being the 'dumper', so to speak). I got home and talked with some friends, felt OK. Then I couldn't sleep, I listened to sad music and cried and felt like there was a giant hole in me, like I was in a scary nightmare and I couldn't bear the feeling, tossing and turning and burning all over. I needed her, I wanted her so bad to just be there, to hold her and feel her weight next to me. I got dressed and picked up my phone and was going to call her or run over to her house and just say "I'm sorry, I never meant it, I love you, we can make it work, I just need to try harder." But I didn't... because I don't want to make things ugly, I don't want to do a get-together and break-up-again thing, I'd rather have our relationship stay beautiful in my memory. But it hurts a lot that way, too, because I want nothing more than to run into her arms. And maybe it would work, for a little while... but I can't trust myself enough to know that I would have a change of heart. So here I am, laying around, re-arranging my room, exorcizing her presence from my life (so painful!!). I feel so empty, a big pit in me. This is not like the other times I have been in a breakup. This hurts way more. I just wanted to be able to write this down, and maybe get advice, or similar experiences, or just anything from anyone. Ask questions or tell me something. It's nice to have this site, it helps me stay strong and able to trust my decision and myself. BTW, I am a Gemini and she is a Taurus. If anyone knows astrology.
Author wonderboy00 Posted October 20, 2008 Author Posted October 20, 2008 I don't know if I can stand not being with her. I can see myself going over there and asking her to be with me again... Should I do this? I know only I can ultimately decide, but... help?
ninjaturtles Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I am a trying to understand your question. Did you break up with her because of fears of the unkwown, the fact that you are leaving university next year and going seperate ways or because her feelings were stronger than yours and you felt you could not reciprocate them or give her the kind of love she deserves? It is confusing because if you want to be with her so much, why did you break up with her? This sounds similar to what I went through. My ex (a guy, I am female) broke up with me. He was going off to start a post graduate programme in another town, about 3 hours away from me. He never actually told me why he broke up with me...anyway back to you. Why do you think you can't work things out? Are you moving away after university or does this have to do more with the fact that perhaps the way she feels about you is not the same way you feel about her? Is it the problem here wrong timing? Right person but wrong timing? More answers are needed inorder for answers to be tailored as relevantly as possible to your questions.
sedgwick Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Something I do in situations like this is to make a sort of "pros and cons" list. Write down all the characteristics your perfect partner would have, and put a check next to the ones she has. Is it more than half? Then, perhaps, try this: make a list of pros of staying with her and pros of breaking up. Then do the cons of both. This may sound simple but it's a great way of figuring out where you really stand. Are you afraid of loving someone as much as she loves you, or do you think you could feel that kind of love for another person (but not her?) My ex, the love of my life, the man I wanted to marry, dumped me unexpectedly one morning, and the only reason he gave was that I'm not a musician like he is (I'm a dancer and a writer.) I have spent the past 15 months feeling worthless and embarrassed about not being good enough for him. I would give anything if he would just tell me it was about his fear of commitment rather than my shortcomings. If you decide to stay broken up with her, PLEASE, PLEASE tell her this. I can guarantee you that right now she's trying to figure out why she wasn't good enough for you.
fabulousgal Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 OP - I am not sure why you freaked out. I think maybe you should take some time to spare her from your flip floppity - ness. Figure out where the feelings are coming from. Are you scared of the separation (how you will act when apart, etc), are you not feeling her anymore, are you feeling bad about you and projecting it on her...these are all just ideas. She has every right not to wait around on you while you go through this. Just like you have a right to end the relationship if its not for you...there are no promises in life and feelings change until you say "I do" or get engaged etc....then you are really in trouble if they do! For her sake, don't make up/break up etc until you get a handle on yourself. She may not be there in the end if you decide to go for it, but its the risk you have taken. Even if you do move away or she does, it is very possible to make things work. Sedgewick...I never really reply to your posts because I get mad when I read them . You sound simply amazing and your ex sounds like a skinny smelly banjo player. Now I know you love this banjo player, so to you it doesn't matter about his not so niceties.... but you my dear... sound amazing. Shortcomings you say? I think not. You are published, you dance, your a nyc'er, you volunteer...if anything this Joe-Schmoe should feel like a douche for letting you go because you don't play a fiddle. You have passion, so many people don't and especially don't exploit and harness their passions like you....he's such a dope. I hope one day you see that you RULE!
sedgwick Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Aw, thanks, fabulousgal. I really appreciate that. I miss him a lot and I can't help comparing myself to every musician I see and feeling that I come up short. I feel like playing the bass is the height of human achievement (he plays bass, not banjo) and being a writer/dancer/knitter/filmmaker/helper of homeless kids to find housing is just a distant second. The more I do of the helping homeless kids, though, the better I feel -- I had a great night with them last night. I'm teaching a few of them to knit and crochet, and they're making amazing things. It makes me feel proud when I make them laugh and teach them things. I wish Joe could have been proud of me too, but alas, he would prefer not to know me because I don't play the fiddle. To the OP, I really hope you'll do the pros & cons thing and post it here. I think it would be helpful to others as well as to you. My shrink makes me do it and it always really assists me in clarifying things.
Author wonderboy00 Posted October 24, 2008 Author Posted October 24, 2008 I guess I should re-clarify all this stuff. Well, it's been a little less than a week now, and it's been a roller coaster... We got together and talked about stuff on Wednesday, for like 4 hours. I wanted to tell her that she has conditions for our relationships (no drinking, smoking) that I felt were feeling like constraints on me. I also am finding it hard to commit to her for a long-term relationship with those conditions on me... thus, her going away for a long time seems hopeless. I don't know exactly what I'm doing with my life, and I don't want to be unfair to her by moving far away if that's what happens. We talked about the pain, and how it seems like we are just two people looking for different things. The conversation ended very well, and we both want to be friends. At least, that's how I was all feeling a couple days ago. Yesterday I smoked for the first time since before being with her, and it just made me feel like crap. It's not the main reason I broke up with her, of course, but it was a pretty powerful symptom of feeling trapped, this want to do something I wasn't allowed to do. I didn't always feel that way with her - it was only in the past couple of weeks. So now, I feel like I've absolutely decided that smoking/drinking are things I don't want to do... and can't see why I can't be with her! That's, of course, me simplifying the whole thing in my head because I'm feeling needy. Really, I see that I have issues about commitment to ideals and stress on the side pushing me around. I want to be with her, though, and I feel like it can work. But, I also feel like I am too confused to make a solid decision right now - but if she talked to me, I would probably try my hardest to get back with her. I think there are things I need to work out to be strong, but it's very hard with all this neediness. I am afraid some other guy is going to scoop her up soon and that will be it, I'll have missed my chance... thanks for the replies.
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