DeePee Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I just hate this line. Don't patronize me, my self esteem isn't a problem. What I have a problem with is the fact that we have a great time, enjoy intimate moments with eachother, reciprocate romantic gestures, and are adults who know a good thing when it's right in front of you. Yet, the women I've dated seem to have some emotional hangups that make them stop the progression when they feel like they're vulnerable. In an effort to save face, they pull that line. "You're a great guy." Well, if I'm such a great guy, you enjoy spending time with me, what's the problem? Have I judged you at any point? Never Have I been offensive? I highly doubt it. Have I smothered you? Definitely not. Really, I don't get it. I'm told I'm attractive/cute by these women. They tell me that I treat them REALLY well. I give them their space. Still, that line, "you're a great guy," is always followed by, "I'm not looking for a relationship now." Well, thank you a-hole who previously emotionally screwed with this girl's head. You just effed over some really good people. I hate d-bag ex boyfriends. I should be cynical at this point and treat women with disrespect because "I have emotional baggage" from all this frustration and hurt... no to mention my past horrible relationships where I got screwed. I have the same excuse that women have to just use other people. Yet, I don't. I'm one of those nice guys with a backbone, life outside of his work and relationships, and I'm still finishing last. I let myself get attached and it burned me.
Geishawhelk Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 So don't screw them until you have more of a commitment. What is it with people - ? Why do people have to hit the sack before they think a relationship is going anywhere?? Go celibate for six months, and tell ladies that you've been given this line so many times, you're not going to jump into the sack with anyone who might potentially come out with it....... Could you do that - ?
aubree1982 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Don't let the "you're a nice guy' line get you down, there's someone out there who is in search of a nice guy and someday you will find her. Also, you can't blame it all on the d-bag ex's either, it's a womans fault that she is unable to let go of those hurt feelings someone else caused her. I'm in the same position though so I can't talk much, I've been hurt in the past and I know how hard it is to let go of past relationship crap. Just keep doing what you are doing and be the 'nice guy' because in the end you'll wind up with someone who loves you for who you are.
Author DeePee Posted October 20, 2008 Author Posted October 20, 2008 FYI, we both agreed not to "do it." Why does everyone think a guy only cares about sex. Yes, I love sex, and I'd be on having sexful flings instead if I were more cynical and cold hearted. However, I am tired of meaningless relationships. That's the problem there. Girls automatically paint all guys in a bad light. You herd us all in one group of a-holes. Then, when you meet someone who doesn't fit the a-hole mode you let your insecurities tell you that we're too good to be true. Like I said, I could easily be more cynical and just go out and screw them instead. I've already done what you said. The last few girls I haven't slept with, intentionally. With this last one, when she gave me that "great guy" line, I told her that I've also been hurt in the past, as well, don't want anything too serious, but still enjoy the time we have. I also told her that I'm not someone only looking for a good time. Still... nothing's panned out. So, what now?
monkey00 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I have to admit though, that is one thing true about some girls. They reject a guy first to avoid getting hurt down the line/be rejected by the guy. Maybe they do have too much baggage that's bringing them down. But what can you do? Instead of getting too attached with these girls so soon, why don't you date other women at the same time..get a feel for them. Keep doing it until eventually you find someone who doesn't feed you the same line.
sunshinegirl Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Just keep on keeping on. You're about to fall victim to the same mentality you are claiming women have - "Girls automatically paint all guys in a bad light"... you're very close to painting all girls in a bad light. For what it's worth, the "you're a great guy" line does suck to hear, but as someone who may soon be saying that to a guy I've gone out with half a dozen times, sometimes it's true. Sometimes a guy IS great but the chemistry is lacking for whatever reason. In my case, I wish things WERE clicking more. He IS great, I WANT to want him, but... unless something changes soon, it's just not there. Not his fault, nor mine. It's just not a match.
carhill Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Each woman is an individual. Each has a unique perspective and history. OP, how many many women are there in the world? I don't know, but there are a lot I can empathize with you. I felt a lot like you did for many, many years. Marry someone you hate, buy her a house, and you'll find you'll come to have a completely different perspective about women Seriously, being married and going to MC has helped me enormously with the "attitude" like you're posting here. I've learned to accept people for who they are, and, if they're not compatible with myself, I'll use the reverse "you're a great gal, but not for me" line and move on. I use that perspective with people in general now, but would use it with romantic prospects if such presented itself in the future. The solution resides within you
Ruby Slippers Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Most "nice guys" either have a problem they're ignoring or are doing something wrong. I see you finger pointing and blaming the women for their "emotional hangups", but if you are getting the same result with different women over and over again, that suggests something is missing from your approach or what you bring to the table. Maybe you're picking one particular type of woman that's looking for something other than what you offer. Maybe you have no passion in life. I think you need to think about your approach and see what you can do to improve it.
carhill Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Maybe you're picking one particular type of woman that's looking for something other than what you offer. Maybe you have no passion in life. I think you need to think about your approach and see what you can do to improve it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t165319/ What do you think of his perspective in that OP? My instinct is, even though he may not overtly act "clingy", his internal thought processes are belying his actions and sending mixed signals out. IOW, in order for it to exist, he must "believe" it. Opinion?
Jilly Bean Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I don't think this is a *nice guy* issue. The OP just said he's annoyed with the line, "You're a great guy, but..." Sadly, this is a common rejection line that we have all used or heard - akin to, "It's not you, it's me." DP - I would say that if you are hearing this line consistently, then maybe its time to question the women you are dating. Of course, dating and success with it are all a numbers game, but if I repeatedly heard the same comment(s) at the end of a relationship, Id probably have to turn that inward and examine my contribution to the scenario.
torranceshipman Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 What you said here: 'That's the problem there. Girls automatically paint all guys in a bad light. You herd us all in one group of a-holes. Then, when you meet someone who doesn't fit the a-hole mode you let your insecurities tell you that we're too good to be true.' That's the problem...you come off as bitter sounding here. I'm a girl and I don't automatically paint all men in a bad light, I don't herd anyone anywhere, and I don't want someone in the 'a-hole' mode, whatever that is. I want a nice guy who I have great chemistry with. But not one with an almighty chip on his shoulder about how the world fails him and how bad 'all girls' are. So don't judge us all like that! I think the line you're hearing (gotta agree with Ruby Slippers) is a nice, polite way of saying 'I'm not interested', and I agree that it might be the type of girl you're going for, or something that might be off in your approach. But we all get rejections sometime so just hang in there. You'll meet someone nice one day!
Author DeePee Posted October 20, 2008 Author Posted October 20, 2008 Ruby and Carhill: I've thought about the finger pointing, and I honestly do "slip" sometimes during the initial stages. However, everyone "slips" and rarely is it ever a major issue. I did get attached to her after about 3 or 4 weeks, but when the both of us are having a tremendous amount of fun it's hard not to fall for her. Still, I didn't say anything negative or pushy or act it... and when I did step up my actions a notch she responded very well to it. She even reciprocated deeper emotions and backed them with words ("I miss you," "I like you a lot," etc). Other girls, the same thing has happened. But, this last girl was the only one I started to really like and could see a potential serious relationship progress if all went well. Needless to say, within a week or so of her saying those things she pulls the "you're a great guy" and backed it up with I have issues "I need to deal with." Whether it's true or just an excuse/protective barrier, that remains to be seen. I tried to go back and criticize what I've done, but I pretty much went at her tempo. She'd suggest a date half the time, she'd call me half the time, and as much as I was attached to her I still slowed it down to her level as best as I could. Jilly Bean I am frustrated at this "you're a great guy" line, and wish girls would just be more up front about their intentions. Why worry about scaring a guy off if you truly have your defenses up about being hurt? If we like you enough to go on several dates just accept the fact that we know everyone has flaws but we see you for your values. Is that so hard? Maybe I am attracted to the Damsel in Distress. Maybe I am doing something wrong or coming on too strong. Perhaps I should let some of that cynicism become a part of me. But, it just feels so wrong to prejudge every girl I date. I always try to give a girl the benefit of the doubt, but that's probably why I end up being disappointed. High expectations offer more chances for falling.
lino Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I use to hear this line a lot too You're just too much of a nice guy that's all and as much as you won't like to do it, you have to change otherwise it'll continue. I really liked how I use to be but it wasn't getting me anywhere so there was no point to continue like that. They don't want nice guys no matter how many of them say it. But what can you do? Instead of getting too attached with these girls so soon, why don't you date other women at the same time..get a feel for them. Keep doing it until eventually you find someone who doesn't feed you the same line. I think this is good advice. I do it and it has worked for me to some extent.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 How long have you dated each girl? Is it that you moved too fast on the dates and you're unwittingly turning them off? How do you behave around them? Are you overly eager with them and consistently agree with them on various subject to speed up the chemistry? Most women (if not all) can tell when a guy is coming on too strong, especially on the first two or three dates. The best thing to do go at a steady pace if you're unsure of the attraction. Only you're certain feelings are reciprocated should you approach her with the " will you be my gf" line. Don't jump ships. Women are like men. Subconsciously we afraid of commitment.
Al_Bundy Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Still, that line, "you're a great guy," is always followed by, "I'm not looking for a relationship now." Well, thank you a-hole who previously emotionally screwed with this girl's head. You just effed over some really good people. I hate d-bag ex boyfriends. I don't think it has a thing to do with x-bfs. I think it has to do with there is a reason women use that line to get out of dating a guy, more than likely because he isn't some adonis, and is too chick###t to say what she really means. So they give some little bs speech.
Author DeePee Posted October 20, 2008 Author Posted October 20, 2008 Before her, I probably dated the girls between 2 to 4 weeks before hearing that line. I dated her about 2 months, then heard that line. I agree with you that maybe I emit that eager energy. However, knowing that I am having a real good time and eager to see where things go, I do keep my time with them limited to at most 2 times a week. I don't talk on the phone everyday, so that I don't constantly emit this energy onto them. With this last girl, I tried real hard not to get attached. I would do things on my own, bring work home, go out with friends, just occupy my mind to get it off of her. She was also busy, so it worked out that way anyway. It didn't work, and maybe she sensed it. Who knows? The one thing that kinds of bothers me about this last girl is whether or not I should go NC. If I do, I may come off as every other guy who she's come across, effectively confirming her fear of me. But if I keep in contact with her, I'll be that needy guy that everyone gets annoyed at. She's a great person and I could be her friend, but in the back of my mind what I felt with her was real and not infatuation... I just wonder if she felt the same. Either way, I'm not going to be pining over her or hope for her to see the light. Just another one of those moments in life you wonder if it'd be different if approached differently.
Jilly Bean Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Jilly Bean I am frustrated at this "you're a great guy" line, and wish girls would just be more up front about their intentions. Why worry about scaring a guy off if you truly have your defenses up about being hurt? If we like you enough to go on several dates just accept the fact that we know everyone has flaws but we see you for your values. Is that so hard? Maybe I am attracted to the Damsel in Distress. Maybe I am doing something wrong or coming on too strong. Perhaps I should let some of that cynicism become a part of me. But, it just feels so wrong to prejudge every girl I date. I always try to give a girl the benefit of the doubt, but that's probably why I end up being disappointed. High expectations offer more chances for falling. Well, I think its human nature to want to let someone down easily. Most people dont go out of their way to inflict unnecessary pain on someone. Perhaps the line is sounding canned to you, but I am sure there is some truth to it (that you ARE a great guy). I think maybe you should try some soul-searching. Look for some commonalities in these relationships. Were the women of the same emotional makeup? Did you behave the same each time as far as your role in courtship? Did you maybe feel from the get-go that they were wrong for you, but forged ahead anyhow? I think these answers will lead to the pattern being broken.
monkey00 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 You know I'm kind of envious of you actually. Nowadays when I meet or date girls, I don't have that googoogaga feeling as much. It's good to be attached and detached at certain variables. I'll admit some girls are afraid of commitment, and some don't like it when a guy comes on too strong that it screams he's looking for one either. Some just want to have a good time and if it happens it happens. As the old saying goes, it's easier to ask a girl out than maintaining interest with them/in a relationship.
Author DeePee Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Funny thing is, I didn't get gooogoogaga till these past few months. Two years ago, I was all about having responsible fun. No commitment, no worries, no emotional rollercoasters, no disappointments, and that worked out for myself and the girls I dated. Made a lot of friends that way. Last year, I slowed dating down to focus on work. But these past few months, I've been wanting meaningful relationships. Not long term, per se, but at least relationships with a real goal in mind. Thanks for everyone's insight. I'm just going to start being friends with girls first, rather than "date" them. Perhaps that'll change my mindset and result in something better for me.
javierserventez Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 IMO, i think that you should spend time qualifying the girls you are dating. If you're dating girls that need space all of the time, what type of relationships are you putting yourself in? Yes, space is important, but if things are clicking, there should be a natural progression in the relationship, not her needing space. Are these girls still involved with their exes? There's still some sort of dwindling dependency that these females have on their exes. If that's the case, look elsewhere. Don't wait around for a girl to get over her ex. That's when you get "screwed."
yongyong Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 It's just a BS line girls use to get rid of guys. you should realize that so you can develop yourself. American culture teaches you that you shouldn't tell people directly. It's because it can make YOU look bad, not just because it might hurt them. So it's more about caring about their own image. Think about how people say about gay/lesbian rights in public discussion, Are they gonna be the same type of person with open minded, when they encounter them in personal life??? (eg: gay guy teaches your son soccer) those type of 'you are such a great guy' comments can confuse you and prevent you from changing your behavior. so when you hear those comments , just say '**** you' (at least in your mind)
madgun68 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 The one thing that kinds of bothers me about this last girl is whether or not I should go NC. If I do, I may come off as every other guy who she's come across, effectively confirming her fear of me. But if I keep in contact with her, I'll be that needy guy that everyone gets annoyed at. She's a great person and I could be her friend, but in the back of my mind what I felt with her was real and not infatuation... I just wonder if she felt the same. Either way, I'm not going to be pining over her or hope for her to see the light. Just another one of those moments in life you wonder if it'd be different if approached differently.Just my opinion, but unless you two had some sort of a friendship before hand that you want to salvage, it's best you just cut your losses and move on. If she has a change of heart, she'll be in contact with you.. Otherwise, best to just avoid a host of potential problems by remaining in contact.
Scottdmw Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I don't know about NC, but back way off. Greatly reduce your calls and invitations, maybe once every couple of weeks or once a month. I have had it happen that a girl will say something like this and then change her mind and end up dating me, but definitely don't expect it or count on it. Most of all, date as many people as you can until you have a woman that really wants to be committed to you. Don't stop just because you find a woman that you want to be committed to.
monkey00 Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 Funny thing is, I didn't get gooogoogaga till these past few months. Two years ago, I was all about having responsible fun. No commitment, no worries, no emotional rollercoasters, no disappointments, and that worked out for myself and the girls I dated. Made a lot of friends that way. Last year, I slowed dating down to focus on work. But these past few months, I've been wanting meaningful relationships. Not long term, per se, but at least relationships with a real goal in mind. Thanks for everyone's insight. I'm just going to start being friends with girls first, rather than "date" them. Perhaps that'll change my mindset and result in something better for me. I don't think being friends first is a good alternative, afterall you don't want to wind up in the friends zone. Trust me if a girl is really into you and wants a relationship, usually they will make things easy for you..and won't feed you that line. Ask more girls out and go on dates, dating is a numbers game.
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