i can't sleep tonight :(

[alwayssme]

sorry i have been posting so many threads today...too many thoughts running through my mind and i don't want to call my friends and wake them up. i feel so stupid and such a mess. mainly because i just keep dragging myself through this, I CANT LET GO! its the worst! because i dont want to. i want him in my life even as a friend. i just cannot beleive he has changed so much, i mean he is STILL him so the old him has to be somewhere in there right? i'm scared to walk away because i know he won't follow and he says he cares about me and loves me as a person and wants to be there for me, but i feel weird. maybe cause i love him and i overanalyze every gesture. seriously i feel sick to my stomach worried that i will lose him one day. i want to be friends with him but i'm scared that one day he will get even more distant! this is driving me insane.... eww i cannot beleive i have become so desperate. i wish with all my heart i had enough pride to walk away but i don't and it makes me sick to my stomach, literally. how can one person control my world to the point that i can't even function? how can someone CHANGE SO MUCH!!!!!!! usually when i hurt, somehow something happens that i feel like the weight has been lifted off my shoulders, but not this time...its constant pain and i cant take it anymore!! yet letting go of him is even worse because he is a good man and i love him, even if we're just friends, i DO NOT want him out of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate this...i cant even recognize myself anymore

 

 

any advice?? from your heart, im sure most of you know how it feels or at least somewhat...what can i do if i don't want to lose him completely? NC hurts me more than actually keeping in touch...or so i think... im a mess tonight

[JooLee]

i truly understand how you feel. i was feeling exactly that way a while ago.

but first take a deep breath. okay now listen.

it is hard to stop loving someone especially when we have given our heart , energy and commitment into it. you think how can this person just stop loving. how can he suddenly be a whole different person. why did this happen? how can i get it back?

 

the answer is never. and you have to understand that. no matter how much it hurts, there's nothing you can do. he has decided that you are not worth in his life anymore.

and now the hardest part is the letting go. i think it starts with forgiving yourself. know that its not your fault. its just God's way of letting you know he's not the one. and you have to allow things to fall into place. stop having hope... the hope is a facade - its not true, he really doesnt want you. the best is to just let him be, let him live his life, because he clearly doesnt want you to be a part of it.

 

now look at yourself, work on yourself. pick yourself up. list your priorities, your wants in life, your goals, your ambitions, things you need to do. make use of your time. do things that makes you happy. even if its small things. this is your life, its about you. so make it about you. get used to life without him. get used to jus being by yourself.

 

and then, give time. in time your mind will be more sane. and you will realise what you learn. and you will know that sometimes things goes out of hand and you dont always get what you want. and this is when you realise what a strong person you are. to have overcome a broken heart and hopefully in the future you will meet someone you will make you feel even more beautiful then he did. because you deserve it. and so does he. you have to accept and allow life to bring you where you are suppose to be. it is a starting point for you. make the use of it.

 

it is time to stand up. and smile.. even if it hurts.

 

btw NC is better than keeping in touch. trust me.

[lofi_tokyo]

I think JooLee gives a lot of really thoughtful advice. This IS your life, and it is about you, not him. He left you because he was not entirely happy being with you. That is not your fault, nor is it his. You both deserve a relationship where you are happy with each other. You deserve better. As I write that, it stings a bit, even for me. I am not trying to be cruel, just honest. My ex has moved on, he left me for another woman, and that is the reality. We were not meant to be. If we were, we would be together.

 

As for your concerns with change...

My reply to that is to quote Heraclitus, a 5th century philosopher from Greece - he wrote: "There is nothing permanent except change".

 

That is life. We had best embrace it for what it is, otherwise we'll get caught up wondering whatever happened to days gone by.

 

Has your ex changed that much? As a person? I don't think so. I don't think people change in extrodinary amounts, all at once, unless they actively decide to do so. My guess is that he has changed towards YOU a lot. Unfortunately, that happens. People come together, then go apart. That says something about your friendship with him too - you want a friendship to keep him close, but the reality is, someday, he wont be that close to you. Even the best of friends, ones who were never lovers, just amazingly close friends, can and usually do go their separate ways eventually.

 

Thats just how it is.

 

As hard as it is to do, and I know its hard, because each day I need to remind myself to do this - you must embrace change. You must accept people come and go, even if you desperately don't want them to. That being said, sometimes people come back into our lives unexpectedly, butyou can't hold out for that stuff, you just need to embrace change. Its scary, because you're forced to be on your own, you realise the only person you can ever hold onto forever is yourself, but even then, you'll change as a person over time. You're being thrown out of your comfort zone. Its hard now, but you'll get used to it. You'll meet a new guy, meet new people, lose a guy, lose a few people. Hold onto the good memories, cherish the expierences you've had, but don't let them haunt you.

[CherishG]

I agree with Tokyo and JoLee, but finding it hard for myself to actually move on and not dwell in the past... I'm still in shock.

I can't help but feel so helpless.

I was left with a baby to care for, by myself!

I'm only 23, I haven't experienced life yet!

 

I didn't sleep a wink last night, I called in sick today from work.

life just doesn't get much better than this