Going crazy here

[CherishG]

I'm really desperate here.

I usually don't like making threads because to tell you the truth, I'm embarassed you could say of my story...

I am very timid to the point where I don't want to publicize my agony and have people feel sorry for me, considering how bad my situation is.

Not many of you that I've seen so far, have a infant involved, yet alone never married like me and trying to separate the two entities of letting go of someone I still deeply love,

and him having parental rights is just tearing me up inside.

 

I am going out of my mind, and it's also really killing me.

I'm like a walking zombie for the past 2 months now.

I try and try to go NC, but I can't, for the sake of our daughter.

The longest I've gone NC was 12 whole days, like 2wks ago, and I turned my phone off, ignored all his calls and guess what?

lately he's been calling so much and not because of making arrangements to see our baby, BUT TO ACTUALLY HAVE A CONVERSATION...

 

I know, I messed up. So many have told me to separate my feelings from the fact that he has to see our daughter...but it's so hard, because I still love him sooooo very much. I can't even describe how hurt I still am.

Like I'm in that Bill Murray movie "Groundhog Day", where each day keeps repeating itself, so I'm feeling like he just broke up with me yesterday... and its every day...

I been trying to walk with my baby to release all this anxiety...

I can't really go out because I don't have anyone to watch my daughter or go out with...

 

And since it was my biggest mistake to have centered my whole universe around him, I am left ALONE with my baby...our baby.

It just irks me how you can sacrifice yourself for someone you thought you would share your whole life with and then one day they decide it's over.

 

out of my loneliness, I caved in this last Friday and answered his call...

It was weird because he was calling me so much that day and left me msgs "I need to talk to you", so I figured it was bout our daughter.

 

So... we talked on the phone we never delved into each other's feelings on the phone, talking about random stuff, so you could say I was just giving advice, and listening as a friend.

but the FIRST EARTHQUAKE SHOCK CAME WHEN HE SAID (out of blue mind you)... He says: "I miss you..."

I almost fell off the bed. I thought I was delirious from the lack of sleep, so I said "um, I didn't hear you, what did you say?"

He repeated himself, and I didn't know how to answer... I mouthed "I miss you too" so he woulnd't hear me, but then he said: "Did you hear me?"

I said "ya, (long pause) I miss you too"

 

Ok b4 anyone jumps down my throat, I know that was a big big mistake...

but seriously, I can't keep what I feel inside.

As much as I want to move on and think about me, me and the baby, I just can't see myself not having him in the picture.

I guess it's different in my situation, to listen to everyone's advice about moving on... but I had this man's baby...this baby is a part of me and him, and maybe I'm not fully realizing that I need to let go, but it's just soooo hard.

 

Then the 2nd EARTHQUAKE SHOCK... He called AGAIN...saturday (yesterday night). My daughter saw his picture on my cell phone and answered it.

Next thing I know she's walking to me in the kitchen and handing me my cell phone. So I thought it was someone else... it was him.

We talked AGAIN... about random stuff, bringing up memories of what we used to say or do, etc. There were a few laughs here and there as we reminisced, but then out of the silence of the night he saidafter a long pause: "I love you Cherish..." and I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart and NOT through my hopes of getting back, but he honestly sounded sincere... and sad like he had missed ssaying my name, along with those three precious words that I had longed to hear these past 2 months...

 

I cried so hard, but I kept silent, my tears wouldn't stop falling...

I seriuosly pinched myself to see that I wasn't dreaming,

I turned the light on to make sure that I was in fact on the phone with HIM...

I just don't know what to do...

I wish someone would just euthanize me already... because this pain is just sooooo unbearable.

I know what some might say "suck it up, you have ur daughter to think about..." but I know this. I'm still surviving... I'm putting my selfishness aside and allowing to have contact with him so he can see his daughter.

I just wish someone would just understand how hurt I still am...

how hard for me to let go, when I know it's just all not worth it...

I don't even know if I'm making any sense...

I just having a really hard time letting him go...

4 years and a baby is a long time to just forget so quickly.

 

sorry its long, I need to let it all out...

thanks for any advice that could help.

god bless

[alwayssme]

is he trying to get back with you? if he loves you and misses you maybe he wants to get back:)

[CherishG]

is he trying to get back with you? if he loves you and misses you maybe he wants to get back:)

 

girl,

I wish it was that easy!

but no... like I said, we have not brought up the issue of "Is this a reconciliation? are we trying to work things out?"

So far it's just been a conversation regarding random stuff, past event/memories, and that shocking stuff he told me.

 

Maybe he's just wanting to have his ego stroked...

I know I will definitely hear that advice in this thread.

BUT WHY? WHY DO THAT? They should put those people in jail for LIFE, for playing with people's emotions like that!

 

He convinced me to go to church this morning with him.

That whole thing this morning is another story in itself, but my heart still feels the pain.

 

He wants to go out to dinner tomorrow night (monday)

I'm scared out of my mind!

I don't know why I agreed to go, but I do miss him.

god I feel so stupid now.

[alwayssme]

i hear u but maybe he really does miss you and being with the other girl maybe helped him realize how much he loves you? hopefully things can work out for you! good luck

[Heaventears]

Hmmm.... perhaps he meant his words? he maybe want a reconciliation? Ever thought of giving it a chance more? your daughter needs daddy and mummy ya.... give it a thought... good luck...

 

sometime you just need a peace of your mind to sort out your feelings. stay calm ok....

[lofi_tokyo]

I say, keep us updated, okay Cherish? I think... I think you can't get your hopes up yet. Keep them down. But pursue this, see where it takes you.

 

I'm excited for you, and I'm scared my excitement will give you false hope but...

I want to believe, though there is not enough evidence to prove otherwise (yet), that he is coming back to you, or at the very least... I'm happy because I feel like, even if he isn't coming back, his love is transcending the current situation. Maybe I'm being overly romantic, but I feel like - hes with another woman, he has the ability to run away, but he is reaching out. It does not sound like ego stroking, not to me. It sounds like... maybe he doesn't know what he wants, maybe he won't come back, but he loves you. He needs to figure himself out, but the one constant he has is his love for you. I only hope that love of his is strong enough to bring the two of you back together, strong enough to fix broken trust, strong enough to endure.

 

I feel like this post is not very well thought out, or overly helpful but... I am just so happy for your Cherish. Whatever comes of this, you're in my heart, because you're so open and honest and quite honestly, your daughter sounds sooo cute.

[CherishG]

I say, keep us updated, okay Cherish? I think... I think you can't get your hopes up yet. Keep them down. But pursue this, see where it takes you.

 

I'm excited for you, and I'm scared my excitement will give you false hope but...

I want to believe, though there is not enough evidence to prove otherwise (yet), that he is coming back to you, or at the very least... I'm happy because I feel like, even if he isn't coming back, his love is transcending the current situation. Maybe I'm being overly romantic, but I feel like - hes with another woman, he has the ability to run away, but he is reaching out. It does not sound like ego stroking, not to me. It sounds like... maybe he doesn't know what he wants, maybe he won't come back, but he loves you. He needs to figure himself out, but the one constant he has is his love for you. I only hope that love of his is strong enough to bring the two of you back together, strong enough to fix broken trust, strong enough to endure.

 

I feel like this post is not very well thought out, or overly helpful but... I am just so happy for your Cherish. Whatever comes of this, you're in my heart, because you're so open and honest and quite honestly, your daughter sounds sooo cute.

Thanks sooo much Tokyo...

From the moment I signed on to this site, YOU were truly an inspiration to me.

ALL OF YOUR POSTS make sense,

and that's why I get so much closer to reality because of the things you have expressed on here, whether they are directed towards my situation or someone elses.

You have no idea how much your post means to me

I'm not looking at it as a source of "hope" that he will get back with me...

It just makes me feel soooo much more better knowing SOMEONE ACTUALLY knows how I truly feel during this whole thing.

Like I've said countless times b4, I don't really have friends where I live.

And it's truly a blessing that people like yourself, whom I never met in my life, can genuinely care about human kind.

 

I am supposed to see him in 4hrs, he wants to go have dinner, just us two. His mom is going to watch the baby.

I don't know what to make of this...

 

And I believe youre so right when you said he doesn't know what he wants.

It's like when I pull back and I don't say nothing to him, when I try to do my NC with him, he kinda "panicks?"

like he's afraid he lost me so he starts to come back, in like subtle ways.

BUt when I read into things he's said and done recently, I know I can't think too deeply on it or rely on it as some hope he will return.

If he really did want to come back, he better kiss my ass if he wants to because I may be so madly in love with him still, but I'm no idiot.

I definitely don't want to go through this again.

 

Whatever the case, I'm just plain scared.

You have no idea how fast my hearts been beating since last night.

I'm surprised I'm still alive.

 

Thanks again for those that have posted, esp. you Tokyo.

 

p.s. (off the subject) are you asian? I can't see ur avatar too well, and I'm assuming thats u. Well I'm asian too just being weird I guess and curious... if u aren't asian, pls don't take offense

[lofi_tokyo]

Thanks sooo much Tokyo...

From the moment I signed on to this site, YOU were truly an inspiration to me.

 

Thank you for saying that, it makes me feel strong, and lets me know I'm doing the right thing trying to be honest with myself and others.

 

 

Like I've said countless times b4, I don't really have friends where I live.

And it's truly a blessing that people like yourself, whom I never met in my life, can genuinely care about human kind.

I agree entirely. When I read YOUR post about lighting candles for all the broken-hearted here, well I realized - you may not know a person face to face, and you may be at completely different places in your life, but the human compassion for caring remains limitless. Its very uplifting. It makes me love people.

 

I am supposed to see him in 4hrs, he wants to go have dinner, just us two. His mom is going to watch the baby.

I don't know what to make of this...

 

 

It's like when I pull back and I don't say nothing to him, when I try to do my NC with him, he kinda "panicks?"

like he's afraid he lost me so he starts to come back, in like subtle ways.

BUt when I read into things he's said and done recently, I know I can't think too deeply on it or rely on it as some hope he will return.

Its good you are acknowledging this. I really hope hes better than being one of those panicky guys who come back onto the scene only after you've begun ignoring them. But like they say on these forums, hope should never be what you're holding out on. Its good you're not over stressing it.

 

I'm happy the two of you are going out tonight one on one. Now is a chance for you to really, talk it all out. I don't know if reconciliation is in sight, but... as two parents, even if you are not together, it makes me happy you are taking time to talk, and acknowledge the relationship you share.

Please keep us posted here at LS!

 

 

p.s. (off the subject) are you asian? I can't see ur avatar too well, and I'm assuming thats u. Well I'm asian too just being weird I guess and curious... if u aren't asian, pls don't take offense

 

Hahaha! I'm 1/4th Asian, but otherwise white . I look white too, blue eyes and all! So I call myself white! Looking at my avatar though, it IS pretty hard to tell!! lol Super cute question My user name is Tokyovogue because... I have no clue lol. Its not a user name I use anywhere else, but I chose it because I like the phrase (and I just got back from Tokyo when I made the account).

 

Since were being open here, heres my little thing I love about you Cherish! Your honest andddd this ones gonna sound weird but... I've always struggled with religion. I come from a Catholic family, went to a Catholic school from Kindgarten - grade 12, but my faith has always been something I struggle with. Hearing you talk about yours so openly makes me feel connected again to God, in a small way, but its there. Its really strange, I know, but it helps me struggle less. So thank you!

[alwayssme]

cherish, how did dinner go with your ex?