cinnbilld Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I have been married for 17 years and have 3 children. I married when i was 16 years old. My husband and I have both had an affair and we can't get past the hurt or anger or mistrust. It has been 5 years since either of us have had the affair. Mine is a long relationship, that lasted 11 years. It was with a man whom I had dated before I met my husband. It was just a very now and then thing, months would go by without seeing or talking and a few years at one point. I came clean with my husband 5 years ago, but not until i found out he was having an affair with my best friend. Even though my husband knows that i know alot of the details he will not admit that he has done anything. I have apologized numerous times. I am trying my best to make this work, but i just need an apology or something. I know that he is not seeing her now, but he lies about the smallest things about her. How do you get the trust back, when he won't even acknowledge anything? i love my husband very much, and i have taken alot of things for granted, and i would love for this marriage to work, but i don't know how. I don't know how to put my family back together again! any suggestions? thanks lucinda
Reggie Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Truth is that very few marriages survivie infidelity. I don't know how a relationship can recover unless he wants to open up and communicate. Do you think he knew, on some level, about your affair prior to embarking on his own? If so, he may be unwilling to give it up as he may want to let you know how it feels. Honestly, I think your best chance for happiness is to divorce. Too much scar tissue , IMO. But, whether you divorce or stay together, I think you need therapy to see waht is inside you that allowed you to cheat.
dannydrifter Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Honestly, I think your best chance for happiness is to divorce. Divorce doesn't always mean happiness. Quite rarely in fact. There is a huge amount of pain and adjustment. I think she and her husband should do everything they can to save their marriage. Obviously there is still love there, so it's worth salvaging. A marriage is a very special thing, it shouldn't just be tossed away in hopes of gaining happiness from a divorce!
jwi71 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Have you considered going to MC? Is the paternity of the children in doubt?
mark982 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 i sure hope your "best friend" is no longer your best friend.
Geishawhelk Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 What a mess! Talk about behaviours becoming a habit! First of all you have to establish whose the child is - if there is any doubt, that is.... Secondly you have to seriously discuss with your husband whether you both really do want to save the marriage. If you do, you must consider MC AND cut off ALL communications with your respective OM/OW....permanently. And resolve to keep it that way. if you don't, be civil, separate but you'll have to stay in touch because of the child. Unless point one comes up with a blinder....!
DealingWDrama Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Once again, I suggest Gary Smalley - he has a book about Apologies...he may believe he apologized to you already....and may be feeling that you owe him a HUGE apology. For 11 of the 17 years of your marriage you weren't really giving your marriage priority - you gave it to another man...if you really want to give your marriage a chance - seek options and ways to make it better...fix the car or purchase a horse...either way, you are in for a long hard road...good luck.
lkjh Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 You were cheating for 11 of your first 12 years of M and hes was cheating with your best friend. Im not a huge fan of therapy but in this case the two of you need it. Also, how do you know for sure he was cheating?
Author cinnbilld Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Thanks for all of your advice... as to answer a few ?? yes all 3 kids are his. We tried MC and he had the counselor convinced that he didn't have an affair, so that wasn't much help... I walked in on the two of them, thats how i know for sure and just everything else made sense after that... she is no longer a friend... i made up my mind a long time ago to not see this man anymore... but if he won't admit to anything how can i get him to agree to not see her... he does odd jobs besides his reg. job but he finds every excuse imaginable to work by her house or to eat breakfast at the little store by her house... I love him very much, but I can't get past this... his affair lasted about nine months and I can't imagine how he feels with my 11 years.
LakesideDream Posted October 22, 2008 Posted October 22, 2008 Thanks for all of your advice... as to answer a few ?? yes all 3 kids are his. We tried MC and he had the counselor convinced that he didn't have an affair, so that wasn't much help... I walked in on the two of them, thats how i know for sure and just everything else made sense after that... she is no longer a friend... i made up my mind a long time ago to not see this man anymore... but if he won't admit to anything how can i get him to agree to not see her... he does odd jobs besides his reg. job but he finds every excuse imaginable to work by her house or to eat breakfast at the little store by her house... I love him very much, but I can't get past this... his affair lasted about nine months and I can't imagine how he feels with my 11 years. I was married to a woman who was in an affair the whole duration of our 25 year marriage. I did not discover it until she confessed... after the "space" speach, after she admitted that she was sleeping with her High School boyfriend and wanted a divorce to be with him. If you want to know how I felt, ask... I don't want to thread jack. I can tell you that at the least, it ruined the memory of everything that occured during the time we were married.. in my case, the whole marriage. You and your husband have a long road to travel. The odds are not on your side. I wish you luck.
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