Phoebe Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I'm at the point of writing off a friend of mine, I don't feel like I want anything else to do with him but I'm not sure that I'm being fair. We became friends when I started a new job, we talked to each other about our problems, had lunches together, I socialised with his partner and children. The he left to work at another place, and I started a new position in the same company and we drifted apart. He and his partner split up, we met up a few times, talked about becoming housemates when I move closer to work (discussed but I decided to live on my own) and he asked if I was interested in FWB (I said no). I have to admit to letting a few text messages go unanswered, so maybe I was the reason we lost contact for a few months. I called him again on the day I was told that my mum had terminal cancer. He got off work early to come over, and he held me, told me it was ok to cry, and was really tender. The next few hours were really messed up, with him getting increasingly touchy and sexual, while I was pushing him back. He wanted to leave because he said he wouldn't be able to control himself and I basically begged him to stay because I couldn't stand the thought of being alone. I ended up letting him have sex with me and afterwards I think we both felt ashamed of ourselves. I went back home to be with my mum, she only lasted a couple more weeks after she was diagnosed. While I was away I started to wonder why I had only previously thought of him as a friend. The first night I got back I called him (I didn't want to be alone), he'd made plans but ended up turning up at my place in the middle of the night drunk and we had sex. Next morning he left and basically avoided me for the next couple of weeks, until he called me again in drunk in the middle of the night to apologise for avoiding me and asked if he could come over (I said no). I was at the point of writing him off then, but ended up calling him to tell him how I was feeling about everything. We ended up having sex again (believe I initiated) and again for two weeks he makes no contact. Now I'm just about getting my head back together, for the past month I've been a mess, hated being alone, some days I broke down and couldn't work and I've been thinking about how he has acted. I'd been reaching out to him desperately, needing to talk to someone, and I can't help but feel like all I've been doing is making myself available as his booty call. So someone tell me am I overreacting in thinking that I don't want anything else to do with this guy? It just seems so sad when I think about what good friends we used to be.
curiousnycgirl Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Interesting posts (I went to the other one you referenced, to get the whole story) - I'm on the fence here. My first reaction was that when someone close to us dies, having sex is a very normal way to valiate our own continued life. So this friend being there to provide that for you is a very nice thing. However the fact that now he only calls/shows up/whatever when drunk and wanting sex is pretty offensive. I would suggest giving it one last try. Call and request a sober meeting in a coffee shop. Discuss the fact that you appreciate that he was there for you in your time of need, and that historically you have valued the friendship, and would like it to continue however going forward it will be without sex. If he is cool with that, and behaves like a friend (answering your calls, calling you, etc) then all is well. If not then he took advantage and is not worth anymore of your time. Does that make sense?
tanbark813 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Unless he raped you you're as responsible for your actions as he is for his.
Stockalone Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I am sorry for your loss. I just read your other thread and it seems like the whole thing turned into a huge mess. Apparently, it would have been better to pick another friend as a shoulder to cry on in your time of need. Alas, hindsight is easier than foresight. He could have exercised some will power and left when he knew he wasn't able (aka didn't want) to control himself. You had rejected his FWB idea but you also called him when you needed help. Maybe he thought that was an invitation to try again. However, being tempted is no reason to take advantage of your emotional turmoil/confusion. I do believe it was not right to do that, but in his defence, did you do anything to encourage him? I do stop when I am told no, but sometimes, women say one thing and mean another. You said he seemed apologetic after the deed. However, he did previously ask you for a FWB arrangement and when he had the chane to have sex with you, he took it. And then he did the same thing a couple of weeks later. But you also said that you initiated the sex one time. I guess it comes down to how much you were pushed by him and how much you maybe wanted to be pushed at the moment. I am not really one to talk as I don't seem to be able to be friends with women, but I think that a friend would have stayed in contact and would have tried to help you deal with your mothers death. He didn't do that. It seems obvious that he values the sex more than your friendship. Maybe there even is a part of him that feels guilty and that is why he apologized for avoiding you. Maybe he is at least a little bit ashamed of himself. The big problem is, he kept coming back once that initial guilt wore off and did it again. There is no excuse for that. I know very little about cross-gender friendships as I seem to be unable to be friends with a woman. That being said, my advice would be to stay away from this man. If you would like to salvage that friendship, let him contact you and make him earn your trust. Do not have sex with him and see if he is willing to work on your friendship, if he shows an interest in YOU and not just sex. To be honest, I find it sad that he would be the person you reach out to when you need to talk to someone. Is there no one else?
Geishawhelk Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I do stop when I am told no, but sometimes, women say one thing and mean another. I hate to say it, but I have yet to meet a wooman who says one thing but means another. ESPECIALLY when the word 'no' is used. Whether a woman is saying something and you think she might mean something else - the safest and most respectful thing to do is to go with what she is saying. .....I know very little about cross-gender friendships as I seem to be unable to be friends with a woman. Maybe it's because you don't understand how cross-gender friendships work. If you perceive a woman as someone with whom you could eventually have sex, then you need to examine your perception. And I did say "if"..... Phoebe, I think in your own frgile state of mind, you are doing one of two things: maybe you're confusing affection, comfort and support for sex, and think that is something you should be doing to lose yourself for a while... or maybe (and i think this is more probable) you're grateful this person caqme over to comfort you, and feel that in return having sex with him wouylkd be a good payoff and reciprocal gesture.... Really, I think you need to re-evaluate your own position here, because grief and guilt make you even more vulnerable, but please know that nobody can make you do these things if you don't want to do them. Why would you do that? Everything we do has a payoff. There's something in it for us. That aside, you need to steer clear of this guy. he can't control his urges and takes advantage of you in your moments of need, which frankly is pretty low, but you also, seem unable to resist and prevent yourself from doing something you simply regret later. I think it undervalues your self-esteem and dignity. Take care of yourself. Put these episodes out of your mind, move on and don't call him at all. Ever again. Not at all. never.
Stockalone Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I hate to say it, but I have yet to meet a wooman who says one thing but means another. ESPECIALLY when the word 'no' is used. Whether a woman is saying something and you think she might mean something else - the safest and most respectful thing to do is to go with what she is saying. If a woman says no, I take it as a no. I don't have a problem with that at all. However, it has happened before that a gf said no when she meant yes. For example, talking on the phone: Me: You don't sound too good. Do you have a cold? Are you all right? Her: Yeah, I think I will be fine. Me: Would you like me to come over? Her: No, you don't have to. But it is sweet of you to ask. Me: Okay, see you tomorrow then. I love you. Her: I love you too. The next day, I go see her. Me: Hi honey (giving her a kiss), how are you feeling today. Her: I was getting worse last night, it would have been great had you come over to check in on me. Me: Well, I asked you if I should come over and you said no. Her: Yeah, but that was because I don't want to tell you what to do. I want you to know what to do. I didn't mean to justify this guy's actions. However, to play devil's advocate, I do understand how some women can be confusing. Some of them play hard to get and say no when they want the guy to try harder. And I would be shocked to hear that I am the only guy who has experienced this. Maybe it's because you don't understand how cross-gender friendships work. If you perceive a woman as someone with whom you could eventually have sex, then you need to examine your perception. And I did say "if"..... It's true. I really don't know how cross-gender friendships are supposed to work. Haven't really tried it in real life though. However, I made an honest-to-god effort and tried to be a friend to a woman I got to know online and, much to my regret, I managed to screw things up. All I know is that is not the same for me as being friends with another guy. I think that as soon as I get emotionally involved, I also get attached and think about her in a way that is more romantic than platonic. If she is a great person, why not think about her as a potential gf? And I am pretty sure that is wrong because I was very confused by it all, still am. But I don't see how I can change feeling that way. Sure, I could have ignored it, but that would have been dishonest.
4givrnt4gtr Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Me: You don't sound too good. Do you have a cold? Are you all right? Her: Yeah, I think I will be fine. Me: Would you like me to come over? Her: No, you don't have to. But it is sweet of you to ask. Me: Okay, see you tomorrow then. I love you. Her: I love you too. The next day, I go see her. Me: Hi honey (giving her a kiss), how are you feeling today. Her: I was getting worse last night, it would have been great had you come over to check in on me. Me: Well, I asked you if I should come over and you said no. Her: Yeah, but that was because I don't want to tell you what to do. I want you to know what to do. . Haha this is what my ex boyfriend called "Being a Bridget" From Bridget Jone's Diary, when her bf asked her if she was ok being left alone by the slope while he went skiing, she said yes and as soon as he went off she called him Bastard for leaving her there. I dont know why we do this..and yes we do it...I am guilty as charged...but not in the sexual context...if we say no we mean it...now if we say no, you pull back, and we pounce on you..yeah thats another issue altogether...(done that one too...)
Stockalone Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Haha this is what my ex boyfriend called "Being a Bridget" From Bridget Jone's Diary, when her bf asked her if she was ok being left alone by the slope while he went skiing, she said yes and as soon as he went off she called him Bastard for leaving her there. I never watched the Bridget Jones movies, but I am not surprised to hear such a scene is in a movie. I dont know why we do this..and yes we do it...I am guilty as charged... To be fair, my gf only did this kind of stuff when she was PMSing, which made her cranky. At first, her behaviour was very confusing and a bit annoying. But I learned my lesson and tried to read between the lines when she was behaving that way. In time, I actually found her crankiness to be quite endearing. Obviously, I didn't do all things right, but I was more often than not rewarded for being an understanding bf when she was no longer cranky. but not in the sexual context...if we say no we mean it...now if we say no, you pull back, and we pounce on you..yeah thats another issue altogether...(done that one too...) I was just astounded by Geishawhelk's comment that she has never met a woman who says one thing and means another. But I understand that it is different and far less likely to be one of those cases in a sexual context.
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