New to the forum with my problem....

[mendsley]

Hello and I am glad you are all here to listen, I really need it. My wife and I have been separated after 10 years of marriage for about 40 days and I am on an emotional roller coaster. What happened is this; I got promoted at work about 30 days ago and I had to move to another state in order to accept this new position. Well after I accepted this position and told my work my family and I are ready to move she told me that she was sorry but, she was not going and went back to her home town to figure things out. In the 10 years we have moved alot, all which have been away from her mom and 2 sisters which I know she misses them. I know there is a lot of things going on here for her to say that, but at first I just thought she was only going to try it for a week and call to say she made a mistake and wanted to come back with me, has not happened yet.

 

We have 3 children 8, 12, and 17. Two are my stepchildren (they all have separate fathers) and the youngest is between us. I never have really gotten along with the 2 step children, but I tried as well as I could. I know that is a huge factor to her and that’s one reason why she left, but I have recognized my issues with the stepchildren and am working with them to mend fences. Our relationship, I thought was great, we did have communication issues which now I realize that is both our fault and is huge for a successful relationship. The only thing I could say is that passion is not a thing in our relationship; we had sex about 6 - 10 times a year. She always said she did not want to “Do it" or "I'm too tired". It did bug me a little but I never brought it up and was something I dealt with.

 

The last 3 weeks this has hit me hard, I can barely go to work and sleep. I have been going to a counselor for about 2 weeks now and he has been really helpful. At first I was calling her telling her I "need" her and asking her why and whatever else I can say to reach for answers. Well I have stopped that and now I tell her I "want" her and I try really hard to not call and text her but once every 3 days, very tough. I now am really depressed because I feel I know we are never going to work this out, she is very hard headed. She sends mixed signals such as a phone call to check on me or a text message once in a while but she never ever says I miss you or maybe we can talk about our feelings which are very frustrating to me.

 

I do check her Myspace all the time to see whats new and that really gets me going but it's like a drug and I can't seem to kick it. As soon as this all went down she changed here Myspace from "Married" to "Single", hmmmm.I just don't know if I should keep giving 200% and only getting 2% or if I should start moving on without her and not look back. I do want to rescue our relationship, but I feel I'm fighting a lost cause. Thanks-

[Gunny376]

Were it me I drop her like a hot rock just out of the fire, but I'm not you.

 

The way that I've got it figured, is the wife and children go where the husband goes, not because he's the man, but because most married men are the major provider and bread-winner for the family. And where your job dictates you go, ~ you go ~ especially in this economy.

 

But getting away from that alone, your were righteous in seeking out a counselor, and you need to continue to do so. You need to get your head straight so you can focus on your job. Your job and its subsequent incomes is your life line right now. Things are bad, and getting worse. New hiring is almost flat in all sectors unless your in one of the "just must have" professions, (i.e. health care, electrician, plumber) and even some of them are questionable. Hell, they're even laying off teachers (Texas) for the love of Pete!

 

And you can't go to your employeer and tell you want to step back down and move back to your old positon. Your name will go to the top of the next "lay-off" list. Even if you tell them its to save your marriage! Its like the old Marine Corps axion, "If the Marine Corps wanted you to have a wife? They would have issued you one down at Supply!"

 

Anyway getting back to your situation, you need to quit with the begging, pleading, chasing, and pursuing. The more you do so, the more and harder she will run the other way. The more you try to convince her to stay in the marriage? The more determined she will be to go the direction that she's going.

 

"For every force there's an equal and oppossite force." ~ Right?

 

Quit calling to talk to her, call to speak to your child. Don't go digging up bones, trying to revitilize something that probally already dead and gone anyway.

 

When you do have any interaction with her be positive, up-beat, out-going as if you didn't have a care in the world. Don't get angry, don't get PO'd. Even if you have to fake it. As far as she's concerned you've just hit the Jack-Pot and won the lottery!

 

Don't try and rommance her back ~ it doesn't and never will work. Actually if were me, I would ignore her phone calls, texts, etc and in so far as she was concerned I've fallen off the face of Mother Earth.

 

My attitude toward this type of situation is that once a woman walks out on me ~ there's no coming back and there's no working it out. DARooster and JMargel will tell you the same thing. As will a couple of other "Vets" that have gone through this more than once.

 

We've been hardened by having gone through what you're going through right now. Search for and read ILMW's threads, he's been where you at for over two years. He and his DW reconciled ~ but it didn't "keep"

 

Quit looking at her MySpace page ~ that's just setting you back. You need to work on getting your head and @zz wired back together. The fact that she's listed herself from being married to single ~ would tell me ALL that I need to know.

 

Not only would I be contacting a lawyer? I'd be putting him/her on speed-dial, my cell phone. I'd have the "papers" drawn up quick, fast and in a hurry like and get busy getting on with my life. And in doing so I would be ruthless! When she got them? It would be nothing but shock and awe! Its time to induce more than a little reality in this Little Gal's life. I'd aim for high orbit ~ you can always be generious in the end.

 

But intially, I would have her thinking that she's going to homeless, penny-less, and hopeless!

 

When Cortez landed in Mexico with less than 300 soliders, he burned his ships! To say the least? They were very motivated to succeed.

 

Right now the wife is disrespecting you and your marriage, along with her vows. You need to get her attention ~ that its a very cruel world out there, filled with a lot of not so nice people.

 

She wants to play?

 

Then she's going to have to pay!

 

Just that plain and simple!

[pelicanpreacher]

Man I really feel for you. She sucked you into a relationship, got pregnant with your child, and now she has you on the hook to financially support her for the next umpteen years! If I were you I would seek the advice of legal counsel from a men's rights attorney to see if you can obtain primary or custodial custody of the child. I have to say off the top that your odds don't look good at recovering your marriage or obtaining custody of your child so brace for impact should you lose it all!

 

Your wife has shown you in no uncertain terms that she has detached emotionally from you and desires to be single again to hook another unsuspecting victim in her moneymaking scheme so you need to call her on it in order to get your head straight and move on successfully from this! If you don't then prepare to be dragged through the mud only to come to the same conclusion you would have had you confronted her right upfront as I've advised.

[Konfuzion]

Were it me I drop her like a hot rock just out of the fire, but I'm not you.

 

The way that I've got it figured, is the wife and children go where the husband goes, not because he's the man, but because most married men are the major provider and bread-winner for the family. And where your job dictates you go, ~ you go ~ especially in this economy.

 

But getting away from that alone, your were righteous in seeking out a counselor, and you need to continue to do so. You need to get your head straight so you can focus on your job. Your job and its subsequent incomes is your life line right now. Things are bad, and getting worse. New hiring is almost flat in all sectors unless your in one of the "just must have" professions, (i.e. health care, electrician, plumber) and even some of them are questionable. Hell, they're even laying off teachers (Texas) for the love of Pete!

 

And you can't go to your employeer and tell you want to step back down and move back to your old positon. Your name will go to the top of the next "lay-off" list. Even if you tell them its to save your marriage! Its like the old Marine Corps axion, "If the Marine Corps wanted you to have a wife? They would have issued you one down at Supply!"

 

Anyway getting back to your situation, you need to quit with the begging, pleading, chasing, and pursuing. The more you do so, the more and harder she will run the other way. The more you try to convince her to stay in the marriage? The more determined she will be to go the direction that she's going.

 

"For every force there's an equal and oppossite force." ~ Right?

 

Quit calling to talk to her, call to speak to your child. Don't go digging up bones, trying to revitilize something that probally already dead and gone anyway.

 

When you do have any interaction with her be positive, up-beat, out-going as if you didn't have a care in the world. Don't get angry, don't get PO'd. Even if you have to fake it. As far as she's concerned you've just hit the Jack-Pot and won the lottery!

 

Don't try and rommance her back ~ it doesn't and never will work. Actually if were me, I would ignore her phone calls, texts, etc and in so far as she was concerned I've fallen off the face of Mother Earth.

 

My attitude toward this type of situation is that once a woman walks out on me ~ there's no coming back and there's no working it out. DARooster and JMargel will tell you the same thing. As will a couple of other "Vets" that have gone through this more than once.

 

We've been hardened by having gone through what you're going through right now. Search for and read ILMW's threads, he's been where you at for over two years. He and his DW reconciled ~ but it didn't "keep"

 

Quit looking at her MySpace page ~ that's just setting you back. You need to work on getting your head and @zz wired back together. The fact that she's listed herself from being married to single ~ would tell me ALL that I need to know.

 

Not only would I be contacting a lawyer? I'd be putting him/her on speed-dial, my cell phone. I'd have the "papers" drawn up quick, fast and in a hurry like and get busy getting on with my life. And in doing so I would be ruthless! When she got them? It would be nothing but shock and awe! Its time to induce more than a little reality in this Little Gal's life. I'd aim for high orbit ~ you can always be generious in the end.

 

But intially, I would have her thinking that she's going to homeless, penny-less, and hopeless!

 

When Cortez landed in Mexico with less than 300 soliders, he burned his ships! To say the least? They were very motivated to succeed.

 

Right now the wife is disrespecting you and your marriage, along with her vows. You need to get her attention ~ that its a very cruel world out there, filled with a lot of not so nice people.

 

She wants to play?

 

Then she's going to have to pay!

 

Just that plain and simple!

 

 

Best advice ever.

[Federica]

(Please try to keep quoted posts short. if there's no need to quote

the whole post, then omit it altogether. keep the salient points if you



need to refer, but otherwise, re-pasting the whole thing again, isn't



necessary. Scrolling down is boring for many.....! Thanks!!)

[mendsley]

I really do appreciate your input, it gives me other ways to view and deal with my current situation. Gunny376 I am trying to work my way into that direction and I think that is why it has been so hard on me the last couple of days. Just realizing that I am being played from someone that I love so much is very difficult to swallow. You know I have read many different things on the web and read many different books on how to rescue a relationship and they all tend to say the same thing, reverse psychology is key to having her turn her direction back to me. Hell, even my counselor is saying pretty much the same thing, but he really focuses on me and how to not only respond to her "child" mentality but others that I come accross as well. I do believe there is a method to his madness and I always seem to be in high spirits when I leave his office. Well time and reprieve is all I have right now and I am dealing with those two demons the best I can. Let me ask you all a question; I am going to try Gunny376's advice because I think it would be better for ME emotionally, but what if this is what it takes for her to flush out what ever thought she has of the "grass is greener" and decides she wants to work things out. How could I be sure she is for real and should I put "rules" on us getting back together? Thanks -

[Lady Bird]

How could I be sure she is for real and should I put "rules" on us getting back together?

 

There are steps that should be taken by her to prove that she is for real about fully coming back into the marriage before you reconcile.

 

I agree with Gunny’s advice, protect yourself first and make sure you have everything lined out to proceed and follow through, that is the key. Empty threats are just that, empty and if you cry wolf you best be prepared to produce the wolf. That being said, if she does want to come back I would suggest that you do not take her back immediately BUT work together to repair your marriage and only if she has shown she’s willing to do her part then move towards reconciliation. Also, keep up your counseling for you, I would even ask your counselors advice on this particular question and what ‘rules’ he recommends.

 

As far as what steps or rules, I don’t really know because for me once you’ve left it’s done and I work to move on, not look back.

[Gunny376]

Forget romance, begging, pleading, imploring, reasoning, your one and only chance is in opening a dialog ~ commuciating ~person to person,

 

Its not so much as your being wrong as it has to do with your ig a male. Men & women are about 80% the same, but the 20% difference is hugh

`a great divide.

 

Your one and only chance is to get across to here that your only human.

with all your flaws and failures. Your not perfect and never will be.

there's always going to be someone smater, better whatever than you, and there's always going to be less so!

 

 

 

Best said as. "Better than most, worse than some!"

 

What you need to be working on is your sel esteem and confidence!

 

"People come, and people go!

Ain't no one monkey makes one sh0w" (Van Morrision)

[TrustInYourself]

Reading your history, it seems like you married a woman that moves from man to man. Good luck in your efforts.

[2sure]

All of the above replies could certainly be correct. But I'd like to add one notion to the pot, just for thought.

 

Her two children from previous relationships were 7 and 2 years old when the two of you got together. And you have had 10 years together as a family. These kids were very young, by any standards and lived with you full time. You state you never had a good relationship with them. If that is the case, you have never really been a family. Thats so sad. If my now husband did not fully accept and have a great relationship with my daughter from my first marriage - it would make it hard to stick together like a family when a crisis arose.

[mendsley]

I have never really thought about that, not really being a family. She has said that she feels we are like friends and not a couple, which seems to be a standard saying or feeling in seperations. She also said she feels like she needs to be with her children with out any of the BS. I am really sad because she made such a rational decision without any thought, she has found herself a house and found a job that pays min. wage. I did not think the kids and me had that bad of a relationship were she would just leave without a plan, I feel that is not only fair to the kids but her too. I think about how she is probably looking desprately for a guy that will take over where I left off. I know she will have problems because it will be another rushed relationship, but you cannot tell her anything because "shes right and I'm wrong". Sounds to me the kids might be happier with me just because we did not get along that well, I still provided the little things that stack up to something big like stability! I just hope she could see that this could be a positive thing, us seperating in order to make a better future for us and the children.

[Eve]

Hi Mendsley,

 

Whilst reading your post what struck me the most was that you do not seem to have a real place within the family. You say that your Wife moved with you a lot and missed her family whilst doing this. You seem to be in the role of provider for a woman of previously poor morals because she had children from two previous partners. If I was your Wife and was thought of as such by my Husband I dont think I could bear to be around him.

 

I feel that your Wife has tried to be a dutiful Wife without there being a spark of fun being present. I think this is why she has been turned off by you. She is in a role which limits her potential as a woman by being your woman. You say that you have tried to make things better with the children but I just get this feeling that the absense she feels has been felt greater by her children.

 

I think that she wants to be free and look after herself and her children because they are all brothers and sisters and she does not want anything to come in between that - and you are the factor which does come between that.

 

My advice is that you should continue with the counselling and begin a new adventure with your child. I am not sure that you can win your Wife back because right now she is behaving in the way (I sense) you despise but is happier to be with people who want her to be happy than follow the perscribed route of being 'the dutiful Wife' according to your values.

 

I think that you probably meant well but if your Wife stays with you she will lose herself and her childrens happiness.

 

Work on yourself, stop seing her ultimately as 'your Wife' and see her as the person she is - flaws and all. She sees your flaws and I feel has been putting her life on hold while you tried to 'save' her but really she and the children needed your heart above all else.

 

Marriage is a funny thing. I believe in the sanctity of marraige and I have a made up saying called 'marraige of the heart'. This is where the connection comes from and is sustained from the heart region and through ups and downs both hearts remain together. I feel that your marriage is one of duty and the duty has become one sided and so has become stifling for all but you. The shock that you feel is a real sorrow and I am SO sorry but right now I would not rely on any tactics. Rather you need to let this woman be free. If she comes back to you it will only be because you are able to give her your heart and not becaue she has three children by different fathers.

 

I am glad that she has been strong enough to put her children first. Can you?

[mendsley]

Hello Eve and thank you for your thoughts I really like a womens point of view in this. I believe that there is merrit in what you say, but I am not sure if I can say that I only saw her as the "dutful wife". I have understood her as a person and her needs or wants to be herself when ever she wanted. I have always been the one to tell her that she can do anything in life that makes her feel in a position that is above the normal wife. I feel deep in my heart that she is still above the normal wife in beauty and the way she can make our family feel at any givin moment. I have tried so hard to be a great husband to her and she has always told me that she was happy with our lives and she could picture what our waiting room to heaven looks like, and if there was a problem I could feel the tension but there was no communication and I guess I failed to dig deeper. I do know that she has sacrificed her relationship with her sisters and mother to be with me and the kids and I believe she could not cope with another move and I can honostly say that was a huge fault on my part to not recognoze her pain and I should of sacrificed success for our well being but a family needs to be financially stable. I have learned much about ME in this and I know that there is not one person on this planet that has not made a mistake. I do believe that she needs to see a counselor as well to help her from issues to better her life. I was not a bad husband but rather a human one with a few mistakes in all. I am sorry if I portrayed a false image here but, I was the one that did the dishes, made dinner, made sure the kids took showers, and made sure they had values that I learned thru life that better ones self esteam. There was now expectation on part for her to be submissive or obediant to me and she never said that is the way she felt. I do appreciate your input EVE and please let me know what you think and please point out more faults so I can expand on them to better myself

[2sure]

Wow. You scare me a little.

 

In reading your post, you have told us how you did the dishes, took care of the finances, are going to therapy. You've told us about her kids with different fathers, her minimum wage job, and childish attitude.

 

But that wasn't what scared me. It was the note of sarcasm in your post when you pointed out your only flaw was that you wanted to offer your family stability. Also, that it never occured to you that having a healthy relationship with your children (including step children) would be a Priority to their mother.

 

Still, your description of your actions and deeds points to a man who is sensitive and almost self-less. Certainly a good and eloquent comminicator.

 

What is really disturbing is that in all of the efforts you describe and your feelings in wanting to put your family back together - you never mention even once, Not in past tense or present:

 

Love. For anyone- not the kids and not her.

[TrustInYourself]

Wow. You scare me a little.

 

In reading your post, you have told us how you did the dishes, took care of the finances, are going to therapy. You've told us about her kids with different fathers, her minimum wage job, and childish attitude.

 

But that wasn't what scared me. It was the note of sarcasm in your post when you pointed out your only flaw was that you wanted to offer your family stability. Also, that it never occured to you that having a healthy relationship with your children (including step children) would be a Priority to their mother.

 

Still, your description of your actions and deeds points to a man who is sensitive and almost self-less. Certainly a good and eloquent comminicator.

 

What is really disturbing is that in all of the efforts you describe and your feelings in wanting to put your family back together - you never mention even once, Not in past tense or present:

 

Love. For anyone- not the kids and not her.

 

He is a robot!

[mendsley]

Hmmm, well what I am truly scared of out of posting here is that in todays society someone has to "SAY" I love you for love to exist. I know she knows that love is something we have for each other, if there was no love I would not be trying everything im my will to be with my family and pin point my flaws to better myself for our family. Maybe more people should be opening there eyes to subtle actions of love and sit back to see that love is in your face for the taking and not wait for someone to throw it in your face, that gets tiring after awhile. I have not once had any sarcasm in anything I have posted, I am not here to bring her down. I can see people are taking things I write incorrectly. I am here to TRULY find out from others the problem both of us might of had thru experiences they had in there previous relationships. A wise person once said that "A smart person learns from their mistakes and a wise person learns from other peoples mistakes"! I can see some people are posting to get a reaction or build there self esteam, please take the steps I am taking and see a counselor to help find who you are and do not post off topic remarks. One other thing that bugs me a little is that you mention I said she had a childish attitude, well please reread the comment I made and notice that child was in quotation marks, and if you have ever been thru any type of counseling you will know that there are three categories that peoples personalities fall into. Parent, adult, and child, each one of these categories offers an idea on how to place yourself to someone else you interact with. When placing you or someone else in this category you try to identify personality traits this person exibits and interact in a manner that does not conflict with yours. The ideal mark for anyone is to be in the middle, is the adult. The adult gives you a more balanced personality, the parent gives you a more passive attitude and the child gives you a more aggressive and seeming to look for reactions, hence; "He is a robot" remark.

[Eve]

I believe she could not cope with another move and I can honostly say that was a huge fault on my part to not recognoze her pain and I should of sacrificed success for our well being but a family needs to be financially stable. I have learned much about ME in this and I know that there is not one person on this planet that has not made a mistake. I do believe that she needs to see a counselor as well to help her from issues to better her life. I was not a bad husband but rather a human one with a few mistakes in all. I am sorry if I portrayed a false image here but, I was the one that did the dishes, made dinner, made sure the kids took showers, and made sure they had values that I learned thru life that better ones self esteam. There was now expectation on part for her to be submissive or obediant to me and she never said that is the way she felt. I do appreciate your input EVE and please let me know what you think and please point out more faults so I can expand on them to better myself

 

Ok, I am very sorry if I relied too much on the point whereby you focused on the fact that your Wife had childen by different partners. The internet is a difficult place sometimes to place a perons emotions as well as their hurts. BUT, in saying this I still feel that it is a pertinent part of the issue, otherwise your Wife would more than likely be with you now... but you know this in ways which are personal to you.

 

Counselling is a good move but I still just do not get the feeling that your Wife is wanting to go back to 'marraige' because of the high levels of self sacrifice she will have to endure. With all the will in the world sometimes marriage can be a lonely place unless both hearts are as I mentioned above 'in tune'.

 

Realistically all you can do is present your case to your Wife knowing that she is able to care for herself and her children without you - probably for the first time for a long long time. I know that you said that you have tried to be supportive and have encouraged you Wife to expand upon herself whilst you were together but still, I just have one of my feelings about this... I think that she was still limited somehow. It is a dramatic thing to leave ones Husband and some do this flippantly but it is still their choice. Nothing but love can heal the divide which you are experiencing and there are many tools out there which can draw out positives which sometimes become temporarily lost on the journey of marriage. 'Emotion coaching' is one means of dealing with the challenging situations presented to you by your stepchildren. There is plenty of info on the net regarding fostering emotional intelligence in children. Pretty useful for long term benefits.

 

All I know is that your Wife now wishes to live as a single person and in winning her back you must also be single minded in order to rekindle the natural reactions you once shared. Marriage and children can diminish such a spark somewhat. You have tried hard to make firm decisions regarding your finances and acknowledge that you should not have taken for granted your Wifes participation in the process of moving home. The children need stability because they need to make friends and get on in School. I dont know how the past moves have affected them but I do sense that they need to be put first from now on. Children hate Parents for all manner of reasons, most thankully are transitory - but none more than the disturbing of developmental milestones that can take years to overcome. Hence my assertion that your Wife needs to put the children first and my question whether you could also do this.

 

In many respects you remind me of my Husband. In that really I know that he loves all of our children with all of his heart but he just wants me; The differences in their temperments phase him sometimes and he seeks solace and security in me for I am the adult. I strongly feel that your mistake has been that you have wanted your Wife to also follow the same path as yourself, when really you are two different people which do make a whole but presently an unheathly one.

 

I dont know if your Wife wants to now take unreasonable risks in order to fulfil some part of her which have in many respects been latent - this is not good and I share your concerns here. I only say this because I am told by my children that adults on Myspace are a pretty embarassing subject! I hope that she is not looking for another man to fulfil her so early in your problems. If so then really you have to let her go.

 

I hope that you are somehow able to reconcile but only for loves sake. I hope that you are both able to break down any barriers which have grown because barriers are part and parcel of life and the love which is experienced after such trials is certainly worth the effort. I guess you have to rekindle what was there before the responsibilities and the seriousness took over. Before you each began to take a back seat on certain areas and a front seat on others. You both need to be in the front seat and the only way to achieve this is to disregard being too sensible about things and to once again light her flame. Get a new haircut, be more assertive, care above all else. Create a means to begin again from scratch but understand that you will be creating all of this for yourself also and in doing this you will survive the outcome, whether it be negative or postive.

 

All the very best,

Eve xx

[TrustInYourself]

Hmmm, well what I am truly scared of out of posting here is that in todays society someone has to "SAY" I love you for love to exist. I know she knows that love is something we have for each other, if there was no love I would not be trying everything im my will to be with my family and pin point my flaws to better myself for our family. Maybe more people should be opening there eyes to subtle actions of love and sit back to see that love is in your face for the taking and not wait for someone to throw it in your face, that gets tiring after awhile. I have not once had any sarcasm in anything I have posted, I am not here to bring her down. I can see people are taking things I write incorrectly. I am here to TRULY find out from others the problem both of us might of had thru experiences they had in there previous relationships. A wise person once said that "A smart person learns from their mistakes and a wise person learns from other peoples mistakes"! I can see some people are posting to get a reaction or build there self esteam, please take the steps I am taking and see a counselor to help find who you are and do not post off topic remarks. One other thing that bugs me a little is that you mention I said she had a childish attitude, well please reread the comment I made and notice that child was in quotation marks, and if you have ever been thru any type of counseling you will know that there are three categories that peoples personalities fall into. Parent, adult, and child, each one of these categories offers an idea on how to place yourself to someone else you interact with. When placing you or someone else in this category you try to identify personality traits this person exibits and interact in a manner that does not conflict with yours. The ideal mark for anyone is to be in the middle, is the adult. The adult gives you a more balanced personality, the parent gives you a more passive attitude and the child gives you a more aggressive and seeming to look for reactions, hence; "He is a robot" remark.

 

None of those personality traits are superior to any other. I can find traits for all that would be necessary to be a complete human.

 

Maybe you need to be more like a child, rather than an adult. Adults are incapable of passion, fun, and do not openly express multitudes of emotion. I am a very emotional person. You seem to think that since you are familiar with one form of love, that makes you the expert. There are more forms of communicating and loving someone than simply being responsible and showing simple acts of love.

 

And differences...so what if I am different or your wife is different. That is the express reason why you were attracted to her. Yet, for some reason now, you seem to have this sense of superiority over other's behaviors. Address that.

 

I am sorry for that robot comment. That was immature on my part.

[mendsley]

Hello EVE and TrustInYourself thank you for your time, your input is very important to me. I guess it is hard for me to understand or accept that I was superior to her. This is all been really hard to handle, mainly the part that I have learned much about myself and how I treated the most important people in my lives. TrustInYourself I will adress that with my counselor and see what he says and how I can work on that, thank you for pointing that out it could be something. EVE you are 100% correct when you say I basically went my way and only my way. I DID feel she was obligated to follow and that is why I am in the position I am in today. When this first happened I was like "why" and said "you are crazy", well my thoughts are different today. I am a firm believer that if my wife and I can rescue our relationship and we can learn from our mistakes and build a even stronger relationship. Last night I wrote her a text message asking if she wanted to talk. She called and said yeah she was interested. I told myself that my time is over it is all about her and the kids now. So I asked her questions about how she felt, if she was angry, how she felt when I took this job without her input, and I asked her if she felt I was in between her and the kids. In my suprise she said she did not feel I was in between her and the kids but rather just another person who happened to be in the same house. I know what she is talking about, I made no effort on my part to initiate any activities that families do. I felt real good about our talk and I think she did too, we made plans to spend family time over thanksgiving and she said she was excited, and boy am I. I have also decided to work the rest of my obligation for this job, which is 11 more months, and make the right decision to be close to her and the boys. I have thought alot about success and I think the thing I did not think about was, when I am laying on my death bed I want my wife and boys by my side not my job. I have alot to work on and I am trying the best I can so thanks again for all of your time.

[TrustInYourself]

Hello EVE and TrustInYourself thank you for your time, your input is very important to me. I guess it is hard for me to understand or accept that I was superior to her. This is all been really hard to handle, mainly the part that I have learned much about myself and how I treated the most important people in my lives. TrustInYourself I will adress that with my counselor and see what he says and how I can work on that, thank you for pointing that out it could be something. EVE you are 100% correct when you say I basically went my way and only my way. I DID feel she was obligated to follow and that is why I am in the position I am in today. When this first happened I was like "why" and said "you are crazy", well my thoughts are different today. I am a firm believer that if my wife and I can rescue our relationship and we can learn from our mistakes and build a even stronger relationship. Last night I wrote her a text message asking if she wanted to talk. She called and said yeah she was interested. I told myself that my time is over it is all about her and the kids now. So I asked her questions about how she felt, if she was angry, how she felt when I took this job without her input, and I asked her if she felt I was in between her and the kids. In my suprise she said she did not feel I was in between her and the kids but rather just another person who happened to be in the same house. I know what she is talking about, I made no effort on my part to initiate any activities that families do. I felt real good about our talk and I think she did too, we made plans to spend family time over thanksgiving and she said she was excited, and boy am I. I have also decided to work the rest of my obligation for this job, which is 11 more months, and make the right decision to be close to her and the boys. I have thought alot about success and I think the thing I did not think about was, when I am laying on my death bed I want my wife and boys by my side not my job. I have alot to work on and I am trying the best I can so thanks again for all of your time.

 

I'm happy you had a good talk and are feeling better! Take care and I wish you and your family the very best.

[mendsley]

I have a quick question, I just text messaged my W and asked her opinion about marriage counseling and she never replied. I feel that would be huge for both of us to help us find out if our relationship is worth saving. I just feel that us not really talking about is not healthy. Do you think I was to foward on my part? Should I take the hint with her not responding as NO? I just feel if this is gonna work it will take both of us to start working on our decision. Thanks-

[Lady Bird]

I do believe MC is a terrific idea but I don't think the text message idea of introducing it was good. You both had a nice conversation the other night where communication was given and received, plans for a meeting for Thanksgiving with both of you excited. I would have continued the open communication and waited until face to face to introduce the idea so that you could also add the positive aspects it could bring.

[Eve]

I am glad to hear that you are both talking.. t'is good, t'is good..

 

However I do worry slightly in that you do seem to be a very goal orientated person and you are going to need to work on letting things occur naturally. Hence, I think Lady Birds suggestion is a good one.

 

Then I think to myself that maybe you have found a new found freedom within the space of therapy and want this to be a sort of communication focal point to begin afresh with your Wife? This is good in many rspects... However, I would allow the therapist to guide you on when would be the best time to introduce your Wife to MC with you.

 

Right now, dont try and focus too much on your Wife saying 'yes' to you.

 

Remember, give your Wife and your children your heart as best as you can.. all else will unfold naturally. Keep us posted. You are at the beginning of a great change and some parts will certainly NOT be easy.

 

I can especially see that the children are going to really test you..

[Lady Bird]

Then I think to myself that maybe you have found a new found freedom within the space of therapy and want this to be a sort of communication focal point to begin afresh with your Wife? This is good in many rspects... However, I would allow the therapist to guide you on when would be the best time to introduce your Wife to MC with you.

 

Excellent point, Eve.

[2sure]

I am the person that questioned the fact that you didnt use the word love in the description of your feelings. I agree with you, love doesnt always need to be said - actions speak much louder than words! Still is strange though - you describe your feelings in depth, but no mention of love or affection or even warm and fuzzy. Not saying your a sociopath, just pointing it out as food for thought.

 

I am getting the impression that you are educated, or maybe just read a lot. Also, it sounds from your description, that possibly your wife is different than you in this. Maybe your wife doesn't have the same verbal tools to communicate with as you may have at your disposal.

 

What I'm getting at is this: Is it possible that your wife finds you intimidating?

 

Is it possible you think in terms more black and white than her and this is seen as coldness?

 

Oh yeah , thank you for taking the time to explain to me so very clearly and in such detail the meaning in your previous post regarding your use of the term "child".

 

Sir, you may not see it yourself, but the verbiage you use when you reply to even implied criticism (anonymously and in a support forum!) does not hide your sense of slight.