Found out a few weeks ago...

[chrisv1918]

So, recently after the birth of our first child my wife ended up being admitted to the hospital with Post Partum Psychosis. It was here where she broke the news of her emotional affair to me. At first I thought it was all a dilusion, unfortunately when she came home and was in a clear state of mind she explained. My wife and I had been trying to have a baby for 4 years, each cycle of IVF failed and after the third one, we were in the dumps. This is when she apparently contacted an ex bf of hers from 16 years ago. We have been togther for 12 years and married for 6. She explained to me that she was bored at work one day and googled his name. Damn google. What started out as simply talking about old times together evolved into an intense emotional affair for her. She claims they both set clear boundries that it would never become physical, because she claims she loved me too much. Her affair partner also claimed to never want to do anything to jeopardize his family. Crock of crap if i ever heard one. So I guess it all started out innocently and then it turned very sexual via email. My wife claims that he basically degraded her for a year. She of course was a willing participant. She claims he was very kind to her at first and would tell her how pretty she was and what not. She admitted to me that she had a huge crush on him during the beggining and wrote him a poem about running away together. This broke my heart. She explained that it was all fantasy and that they would set up these sexual fantasies together and she would pleasure herself at home to these ideas. She claims that once the kindness from him stopped and the sexual stuff started she only went along with the sex things because she was hoping he would be kind again. She also claims to have completely compartmentalized the entire thing. She claims she loved me all along and really just wanted to be with me, but she took a break from reality to deal with the fertility issues. We did finally get pregnant last december and just recently had out son...I would think that getting pregnant would have been a means to an end, but she continued this with him up until august. he eventually told her there was never any way he was leaving his wife and kids and that she needed to snap into reality and become a mom and a wife. But I question why he kept egging her on for a year. I also question why she contine\ued this. She claims now that the day she gave birth she really had her life flash before her eyes and decided that day to end it with this wanker. She has written him a goodbye letter which told him that she was degraded and ashamed for what she has done and that what she wanted was right before heran eyes the whole time. I read the letter and it made me feel good for about 5 minutes. SHe has written me numerous letters apologizing and states that she wants to rebuild our marriage. Me on the other hand, I am in complete shock.

I love my wife to death and I am completely blown away by the details and the alternate reality she created for hersellf. She claims she never really wanted to run away but it was all a fantasy. SHe claims she loved me throughout the entire thing but was able to completley compartmentalize her fantasy relationship and her real relationship. I am so confused and want nothing more than to reconcile with her. We have tried for four weeks to connect again and I feel nothing. I started counseling and she has as well, she has multiple issues to deal with on top of this. Plus the drugs she is on for the psychosis make her completely emotionaless. There have been some moments of tenderness from her...she heard a song that played on our first date and broke down in tears. Its just so hard to look at her in the same light I always have. From the details I've been told she basically became this guys slut in order to get some attention from him. She told me she sent him pictures of lingerie she would get for herself (garter belts and what not)....and if you knew my wife you'd know she is more of the flannel nightgown type. I just wonder how she could get so caught up in this and change who she was for him. She says she is guilty and feels incredible remorse, but i cant see it because of the drugs. We are seeking out couples counseling and hope to rebuild our life.

For me, I am down. I have never felt so bad in my life. I wake up each day hoping that this is all a bad dream. There are times when Im extremely angry at her and times when I am a sobbing mess. No matter how hard i try i cant concentrate on the future when all i can do is think of these details. She has gone to her parents house for a few days in order to give me some space, because all i do is scream at her and call her every name in the book. One minute we are talking calmly and the next I am filled with rage. I have packed my bags 4-5 times and driven off only to return in an hour. I dont want my marriage to her to end, but right now I am dead inside. I feel like i have nothing in my heart to give her, but i know its there. She has repeatedly stated that she will do anything to have our life back, but I cant move forward until i get over the past. I need some help and feedback on how to start moving forward. Im dying inside and I miss her and I together like it was before this happened.

[Bryanp]

I am so sorry for you. How awful that your wife let herself be sexually degraded like this from the OM while she was pregnant and giving birth to your child. Are you sure she never met him in person? I would contact his wife and let her know what went on.

 

I can understand what a state of shock you must be in. Having your wife sending him photos and engaging in cybersex behind your back puts a lot of things into question. Clearly she has the ability to cheat and lie to you for a year without you even having a clue. From what you described it would be very difficult to be able to trust her now and in the future.

 

She would probably be still be doing this except the OM cut if off and didn't want her anymore. She talked about running away with him but now that he did not want her she claims it was just a fantasy? I am sorry my friend but it sounds like you are the doorprize because the married man she wanted didn't want her. The fact that she could be doing this during her pregnancy and after the birth of your child is so degrading to your and your relationship.

 

You have the right to decide whatever you wish to do. From what you have written it would be extremely difficult to have any respect or be proud that you are married to such a woman. I would really question whether you would want her to raise your child. I think you may wish to contact an attorney to understand your various options. You have my sympathy

[chrisv1918]

well she didn't do it after she gave birth. when she gave birth she ended it for herslef. your right, i do feel like because he didn't want her she chose me instead. i dont know.

[DealingWDrama]

To me, it sounds like she really is remorseful and definitely wants her marriage with you to work. Women don't give details like this unless they are wanting complete honestly and trust with their partner. I suggest you seek counseling for yourself and that she seeks counseling for herself....happy and healthy marriages are made up of happy and healthy people.

She is beating herself up daily for having an internet affair - on one hand I would like to say, be thankful that the affair wasn't physical...but on the other hand, I understand how much emotional affairs hurt! Give yourself time...check out Gary Smalley's books on the Five love languages and apology book. I think it could help you guys...good luck.

[2sure]

Your wife's addiction to this basically on line fantasy affair sounds so much like other on line fantsy lives people create. Like some of those "second life" games. It sounds crazy, but there are people on here whose marriage is in trouble because of emotional attachments formed during these games. Your wife's fantasy also sounds like many of the porn addicitions spouses often feel betrayed by. However, your situation is different because she knew who this man was. Still, it doesnt sound like they ever met in person, or even that the whole A went far beyond the whole sexual fantasy thing. It really does sound like it just got out of hand for her. She realized it, and he did too.

 

While this certainly is awful and is a betrayal - is it possible this is more of a communication problem? Is this type of role play something your wife felt uncomfortable bringing up between the two of you? Or maybe its something that was just fun to think about but too wild to do in real life.

 

Her emotions were involved, she wrote a poem, that hurts. Still, when we are under stress - taking a step away from real life - is something not uncommon. Its not for me, but apparently something that happens and gets out of hand.

 

My husband had "text affairs" , which to me, was just sooo beyond stupid and crazy. He loved me, didnt want to damage the marriage, but liked the attention. He liked the unreality of it. He had really nothing to offer in defense as to a reason (although he was sorry and mortified) - and I ended up researching more on "compartmentalization". Once I understood that a little more - it helped me comprehend the HOW COULD YOU?? question more than he was able to explain.

 

Best thoughts to you.

[jwi71]

Stop the abuse. Yes, the screaming, the name calling and the packing up is abuse. No way, no how will I condone it. Her behavior does not justify your own. Stop it. Now.

 

If you want this marriage to work - you had better stop beating her with your words. Stop beating her with leaving. Stop punishing her. Stop hurting her. And that is exactly what you are doing.

 

Do not surrender control to your anger. You have every right to be angry. You have every right to feel betrayed. You have no right to beat her with it. I promise your angry words do as much harm to her as her actions have done to you.

 

Keep your space until you have a grip. Go to MC. When you feel the rage boiling up...leave. Take a walk. Hang up the phone, whatever. Vent somewhere else. Vent to someone else. Hell, post it here.

 

Right now..just survive. And part of that is handling the anger. If being around her is a trigger then stay away. I think you have identified that - and its a good positive step.

 

Your marriage can survive this. But you have to want it. And she has to want it.

[signedin2008]

We did finally get pregnant last december and just recently had out son...I would think that getting pregnant would have been a means to an end, but she continued this with him up until august. he eventually told her there was never any way he was leaving his wife and kids and that she needed to snap into reality and become a mom and a wife. But I question why he kept egging her on for a year. I also question why she contine\ued this.

 

It seems that she would have run away with him if he was a willing participant, but at the same time, it also seems that she is remorseful.

 

Why did he end it? Was your wife pushing it, asking him to leave his wife and all? Was she pressuring him?

 

The question is, where does he live? Is it possible that he could have been in town during anytime of this affair? Is it possible that it was a physical affair for one or few times? Is it possible that the child is not yours?

[Owl]

This was an emotional/physical affair...just as much as any other.

 

And your maritial and personal recovery will follow the same steps as in any other affair.

 

You need to get into a good marriage counseling program that can help you and your wife work through all of this.

 

You need to see a copy of the "NC" email that your wife sent OM.

 

You need your wife to become an "open book"...complete access to her email/IM/cell, etc...so that she can begin to rebuild that trust that was destroyed by her actions.

 

The both of you need to work to ensure that you've identified each other's emotional needs, and are meeting them. And realizing that this is going to take the both of you YEARS to work through...its a marathon...not a sprint.

 

BOTH of you need to stop 'reacting' for a few...and start getting into a habit of THINKING before SPEAKING/DOING.

[Al_Bundy]

So, recently after the birth of our first child my wife ended up being admitted to the hospital with Post Partum Psychosis. It was here where she broke the news of her emotional affair to me.

 

I wouldn't count on believing her about it only being an emotional affair.

 

maybe it was, but more than likely it wasn't.

 

And I'd have a paternity test done on your child. Something tells me the story of it being "emotional" just might be to cover up that it could be her x bf's baby.

 

Either way, I'd want to know (which is why I got a test done on my youngest). If your child is yours, then you can take comfort in that. If not, then you'll have your answers.