swenorth Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 I've been in my current relationship for 10 years now. We're both 30-ish. I love her. I do. But there are some things that doesn't work very well. We don't have sex any more. She is kind of asexual. We hug and kiss a lot, but no sex: she says she doesn't like it. She do not believe in marriage. She thinks it's a constitution from the past. Actually, that is OK by me even if I do not have any problems with marriage. She does not want kids. That used to be all right by me, but recently I've been thinking that "maybe one day...". I see my friends getting kids, and it doesn't seem that bad... We live together and hang out all the time, and we usually have a great time. We laugh a lot, and people often say that we seem to have so much fun together. But are we growing into friends? Does everyone after 10 years? What should I do? Any ideas?
TigerCub Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 How frequent was the sex before? From what I hear, sex dwindles in long term relationships and that's a different issue, but was she always truthful about being asexual and you guys just never had much of a sex life?
Author swenorth Posted October 19, 2008 Author Posted October 19, 2008 Well, the first five years or so we did have sex. Not very often though. More in the beginning. But I don't think she's ever really liked it. I've been with other women, and they really liked it. So I guess it's not entirely my fault at least.
TigerCub Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Well, the first five years or so we did have sex. Not very often though. More in the beginning. But I don't think she's ever really liked it. I've been with other women, and they really liked it. So I guess it's not entirely my fault at least. Well to me, the difference between having a best friend and a boyfriend is the sex life and that physical intimacy. It sounds like you guys are just good friends that enjoy each other's company and offer companionship. So you need to ask yourself if that's enough for you. She's asexual so she's not missing anything, but you have needs that aren't being met in this relationship. How do you think she would react if you brought up the topic of open relationships?
Author swenorth Posted October 19, 2008 Author Posted October 19, 2008 She once suggested that I should "get it" somewhere else. I guess that qualifies as an open relationship. But at the same time I think she oddly enough would be devastated if I did. I'm afraid that if I break up with her I will lose her as a friend as well. And it will be a quite messy break up since we own a flat and other stuff together. I do enjoy her company, and we do have fun. But I have fun when I'm with my friends as well... The reason I've been starting to think like this is that there is this "other girl" (just a friend, but some feelings involved). But that is another topic...
BubblyPopcorn Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 What should I do? Any ideas? You need to light a fire under her, well, you-know-whatsies. Then you can always try to impregnate her without her knowing and convince her she has to marry you because it's the "proper" thing to do. Disclaimer: (I do not advocate actually doing these things, they're only suggestions )
DunnoWhat Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Find yourself a real woman. She has a few mental issues and it seems nothing is happening for you. A quick tip for you would be to stop acting like her friend and more like a lover. You'll risk the relationship but in the long run you'll be better off because nothing will change otherwise and time is ticking.
AriaIncognito Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Break up. You're just friends now. I've been in this situation. Kept trying to tell myself that I just didn't have a sex drive, and that I loved him and wanted to be with him. That wasn't the case. I just was comfortable in the closeness of the friendship and whatnot. We lived together. I rarely wanted to have sex. Once we finally broke up (after 4 years) and I have had other relationships, I realize I do have a sex drive, but I only have sex when I'm in love with the guy. If i fall out of love, I no longer need/want the sex. I think you might have the same situation goign on here. You are both complacent in the relationship and are afraid to start over again. Sure, my ex and I had qualities in each other that we didn't want to lose, but we needed to be exes. He and I still talk to this day. He's married with 2 kids and I attended his wedding. In time, you learn that you made the right decision.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Well, the first five years or so we did have sex. Not very often though. More in the beginning. But I don't think she's ever really liked it. I've been with other women, and they really liked it. So I guess it's not entirely my fault at least. This could be COMPLETELY off, and she may just not like sex - but heres something that may be possible! My bestfriend... we'll call her Anne. She hates having sex right now because it hurts her! Apparently this is a problem in about 1 out of 10 woman - their muscles down there just don't know how to relax properly, so sex is really not enjoyable at all. Anne has told me that a lot of women never seek out help about this... and I don't blame them, its hard to bring up I'm sure. Luckily for Anne, shes been going to a special phsyiotherepist who works entirely on cases like hers. It could be that... I really have no idea though, and that really only answers the question about her not liking sex.
Author swenorth Posted October 19, 2008 Author Posted October 19, 2008 Yes... Maybe you're right. But I guess she would tell me if that is the case... I'm starting to think that AriaIncognito might be right though... It's very difficult. I don't know what to do.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 I kind of think they could be right too. I definitely am not into sex with people I'm not in love with, but when I am? I cannot keep my hands off the person. Maybe have a talk with your girlfriend? See where she stands and how she feels? Maybe counseling would work, if you both feel it a logical step to take.
prettybaby Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 I think Tokyo's advise is very interesting, and it's something I would go for as a first option in trying to solve this situation. If it turns out she has no physical issues in that particular department, then I also think that she may either have no sex drive or simply isn't attracted to you. I completely agree with Aria on that point, and I have been in a very similar situation (wow, I really had no idea it was such a common issue amongst couples; I thought he and I were just odd lol). But yeah, really, if there's no sexual attraction, you might as well just call it friendship. Transiting from the "couple status" to the "friends status" is tricky. It will take a lot of talking, compassion and understanding.
Author swenorth Posted October 19, 2008 Author Posted October 19, 2008 Yes, the transition seems infinitely tricky actually. But I guess in reality that is what we are: friends. Good friends. This is so difficult. I know she would be totally devastated if I left her...
prettybaby Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Are you sure she would be devastated? Have you ever had a lengthy discussion and went over every possibility (including a breakup) with her? Another option besides an "open relationship" is to simply take a break for a while. The break would include you both being free to date other people, until you decide to get back together (and that's IF you do). He and I would usually go out for dinner at a casual place, picked a quiet booth in the back and stayed there for a few hours with endless cups of coffee, talking about our relationship and our future options + sort of testing each other's reactions to each of those possibilities. It took forever, but it slowly got there. I think those long talks really helped us both get used to the idea of seeing other people and no longer being together. Those situations take time to settle, so patience is key. And the main thing is for both of you to get comfortable with the idea of a break/breakup.
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