lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Last night got pretty ugly. We were talking at the dining room table and he got pissed and picked up a chair and smashed it to pieces, so I left the room and went to bed. Then he called the cops. They made him leave. What am I to do? I'm in pieces.
Ronni_W Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Hugs, Lonely. I'm sorry to hear that. Sending angels of Comfort, Support and Guidance. Ronni
Geishawhelk Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 You pick up the pieces. You carefully, meticulously make sure you have every single bit. You arrange them all neatly, and you put them all toghether again, and make it look as good as new. Polish, treat, buff up, cherish and look after. Oh. And throw the broken chair away. That's useless. (((hugs)))
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 19, 2008 Author Posted October 19, 2008 thanks, gals. I feel like my soul has been sucked out of my body. And then in the next breath, I think, what an ashole!
MichiganMan222 Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 It never ceases to amaze me the power of love both positive and negative. I have been alive a LOOOONG time and am the most passive person on the planet. I rarely throw tantrums and have NEVER even come close to hurting someone in anger. Male or female....NO ONCE. Well on our last and worst argument, I threw something and put a hole in the wall and I said things that scared her. She was ACTUALLY afraid I would hurt her. Later she told me she knew I wasn't capable of doing anything to her, but my point is, this stuff can turn people into things that they just aren't. And for the record, if I ever struck someone I love....I would probably want to stick the barrel of a pistol down my throat. I can't even imagine that.
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 19, 2008 Author Posted October 19, 2008 Ya know, the whole thing started with us reading some stuff on the marriage builders site, and i showed him the one article about Why a Woman Leaves a Man, and the stuff about a man having his life compartmentalized like rooms of a house, and how he shouldn't keep his wife in just one room, but allow her into his whole house. That made a lot of sense to me, and expressed my feelings a lot better than I've been doing. So we went from there to discussing the whole process, and one of the things was making time for your spouse. They recommend 15 hours a week. So I asked him to schedule in that time for me, even if it's just a couple of hours a night after the kids go to bed to just be together, not watching TV or reading, but focusing on each other (play a game, work on a project downstairs, talking, whatever), along with perhaps lunch together on his day off and a date night. His response? "I can't schedule something with you. What if something MORE IMPORTANT comes up and I have to cancel? You'll get mad." !!!! I calmly said, "You don't cancel. You make it a priority over anything else." That's when he went ballistic. I don't get it.
LakesideDream Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Ya know, the whole thing started with us reading some stuff on the marriage builders site, and i showed him the one article about Why a Woman Leaves a Man, and the stuff about a man having his life compartmentalized like rooms of a house, and how he shouldn't keep his wife in just one room, but allow her into his whole house. That made a lot of sense to me, and expressed my feelings a lot better than I've been doing. So we went from there to discussing the whole process, and one of the things was making time for your spouse. They recommend 15 hours a week. So I asked him to schedule in that time for me, even if it's just a couple of hours a night after the kids go to bed to just be together, not watching TV or reading, but focusing on each other (play a game, work on a project downstairs, talking, whatever), along with perhaps lunch together on his day off and a date night. His response? "I can't schedule something with you. What if something MORE IMPORTANT comes up and I have to cancel? You'll get mad." !!!! I calmly said, "You don't cancel. You make it a priority over anything else." That's when he went ballistic. I don't get it. From a male geezer who's made all the mistakes. Your husband is in "literal" mode. He is thinking about himself. Only using conjured examples from his own experiance. For instance he's thinking.. what if my brothers truck breaks down in the snow on our "date night" or during our "together time"... or the like. He isn't able to visualize the reality (well hopeful reality) that you are flexible enough to accept true exceptional circumstances. If you haven't given him reasons to feel that you, it's just silly and self centered for him to take that position. He is also resistant to taking advice from "strangers" in this case a book. He needs to feel that he is capable of managing his life himself without outside "help". Sadly this isn't an uncommon situation for young couples to be in. I assume you to are reasonably young. You have used a book to put a voice to your emotional needs. He is having trouble dealing with the concept. I suspect that neither of you realize how fragile, and valuable love and trust is. Start working on that before bringing in third parties. Hopefully once he realizes how much you love him, he will be anxious to listen to you.
Lookingforward Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Last night got pretty ugly. We were talking at the dining room table and he got pissed and picked up a chair and smashed it to pieces, so I left the room and went to bed. Then he called the cops. They made him leave. What am I to do? I'm in pieces. Let me get this straight....HE smashes a chair and you go to bed then HE calls the cops??? For what exactly?
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 20, 2008 Author Posted October 20, 2008 He told them I attacked him. Which wasn't true, obviously. LD, we're in our late 30's with four kids. You'd think we'd be more mature than this. I have given him reasons to think I'm inflexible, because the last two times we were supposed to go out together, he tried to get out of it by 1) claiming a tummy ache, and 2) claiming to be too tired. I didn't let him cancel, seeing as how that was the only two plans we've made in the last year. So I'm gunshy of canceled plans, because that's pretty much all I get. I would be less so if there were more willing follow-through.
Ronni_W Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Lonely, I'm thinking of you. How are you doing over there?
carhill Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 OP, sorry to hear of these developments. Hope you and the kids are OK. Don't know if this is helpful, but our MC worked mightily on the subject of acceptance. Your H will change his behaviors if he wants to. So will you. Accepting each other's path during the process is key. Express needs and wants but support the path the other person is currently on. Change takes great will and much time. There is no quick fix. This is the essence of a man's frustration. His psychology impels him to fix things rather than adapt. When faced with an impossible conundrum, as most R's contain at some point, he gets frustrated and acts out in anger and/or retreats. Validate that, mindful of your own boundaries. One day at a time. It's a process™
Author lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 Ronni, I'm doing okay, thanks for checking in. He's back home (at work now), and Carhill, we're working on exactly that. When he was gone, he went to a friend's house where the H and W have just gone through a load of crap, a separation and reconciliation with lots of help from the outside. They helped my H a ton. See, he's had a very, um, outside view of marriage? My H feels smothered in a M, feels like he should be able to come and go as he please, shouldn't have to think of my feelings, that we're two entirely separate beings and he doesn't (or hasn't) recognized the single entity of the marriage. The friend and his wife just went through this...hearing from another guy made my husband see that he can't disregard his wife's feelings, and made him see that WE are one unit, not two completely separate ones. He came home with a plan of his own, worked out with the help of these two wonderful people, and I couldn't be happier because it looks oddly similar to one I wanted to use. We discussed back-sliding and how we would deal with it, and I'm just really hopeful (again) that we can work this out with the H's Very Own Plan, lol. Now to see about replacing that chair. I don't think he'll call the cops again after being frisked in the front yard.
Ronni_W Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I'm doing okay, So glad to hear that. Sounds like you're both moving towards something much more positive -- maybe that unfortunate incident will prove the best thing to have happened, in terms of "silver linings"? Hopefully Hubby will continue to 'consult' with your friends, when he is feeling despairing and/or confused as to how to proceed. Sending wishes for MANY excellent outcomes, small and large.
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