hendersongirl Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Hi there, I had an abortion in April this year. Noone except my partner and I know about it, and it has been the most difficult decision, experience, and memory of my life. For the full story (from when I was in a more grieving state of mind) Please read my thread "abortion experiences" in the Pregnancy section. Today I would have been 36 weeks pregnant, and each week my loss is feeling more real. I know the baby's due date is going to be a tough day - I have set it aside to grieve, and will probably have to every year... For my 21st birthday (3 days after my abortion) I was given a Pandora bracelet (google it if you haven't heard of them) and I asked each family member for a bead, so now I have this lovely bracelet to remember my 21st. I was thinking, for my baby's would-be-due-date, I might buy a teddy bear and put it on my shelf amongst the few teddy bears from my childhood - just as a reminder to me only. Then I thought I could buy a small bead to add to the bracelet (it is almost full as it is, but I could squeeze one more on), which nobody but my partner and I need know what it really represents. Do you think either of these is a good idea? Should I leave the bracelet simply for 21st presents? Will I regret it, should I just try and put it out of my mind - will this perpetuate or help my grief? Any other ideas for this day? Any opinions would be welcomed! I am feeling empty and sad, just trying to get through...! Thanks for your time
Geishawhelk Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 If you want to commemorate it with a little bead, that might be a very nice idea. But if you choose something that would be typically "baby-ish" (that is, to obviously do with a baby) it might act as an emotional trigger in a far more resonant and counter-productive way. I fully understand why you might want to remember your lost child, and that's ok. But you need to understand that dwelling on it will hold you back emotionally and being maudlin may affect any future childrn and your relationship with them. I'm sorry, I haven't looked at your last thread, but I would advise counselling. You took a decision, and now, you have to accept that. Continue your Life, and whatever it may bring, try to hold your chin up and move on.
ioncebelieved Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 I could easily bash you, but I will refrain from it as I do not know all the circumstances in your world. As for abortion, I generally ride the fence. Not firmly for or against it. I happen to be a far right conservative and do believe in abortion when a woman is raped. Are you feeling down because you feel you made the wrong decision? Furthermore, YES, it is your choice and really that does not warrant a bashing from me.... but there are so many people out there that want children and they can't have any. Only you and your parents know why you had one. I wish you the best and hopefully you can overcome the feelings you are having.
Geishawhelk Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Her parents don't know. Only she and her partner know. She was very young, and probably felt completely ill-equipped to have a child. Right or wrong, agree or disagree, I don't think there should be any bashing here, of any kind, implied or otherwise. I was the last person to post in that thread, and I hope that hendersongirl has taken my cadvice to her, and sought counselling. Closure will take ten times longer otherwise....
Arise_Serpentor Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 i think you may want to seek some cousleing! An aborted baby can't have a birthday since no birth was involved.
ioncebelieved Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Her parents don't know. Only she and her partner know. She was very young, and probably felt completely ill-equipped to have a child. Right or wrong, agree or disagree, I don't think there should be any bashing here, of any kind, implied or otherwise. I was the last person to post in that thread, and I hope that hendersongirl has taken my cadvice to her, and sought counselling. Closure will take ten times longer otherwise.... In retrospect, I would have been better off leaving the bashing comment out altogether as it implied some insensitivity on my part and it was a bit inappropriate. You are also correct with counseling is needed.
Geishawhelk Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 What a thoroughly gracious and generous thing to say! How good of you to come back with that!
Author hendersongirl Posted October 19, 2008 Author Posted October 19, 2008 Thanks everyone. Counselling isn't what I came on here to discuss. I have explained in my other thread why it isn't for me, I have tried many times for various things and I find it always makes it worse, always. I have other, perfectly healthy ways of dealing with my grief. And yes, grief is a normal part of human experience, I do not need "help." ioncebelieved - Don't worry about sounding offensive. I am aware of every view of abortion out there, and I am perfectly 'together' and secure that my decision was the right one so I respect your view as well. My view on it is that it is not a black and white, neither is stealing or lying. None of my options were perfect at the time, and I AGONISED over the decision, believe me, but believe I came to the right one for me at that time. And yes, I have to live with grief and guilt - but I don't regret it. Thanks for refraining from bashing me anyway as noone deserves that. We are all imperfect humans, just trying to feel our way around and follow Jesus the best we can. Geishawhelk - I appreciate your concern, thank you. Counselling is not for me, full stop, but that doesn't mean I don't have other ways of reaching the same place. Talking with my partner - sharing our feelings on the matter. Writing in my journal. Listening to Coldplay . Crying and sobbing when it hurts. Getting on with life and working really hard in my study - the main reason for the abortion in the first place. The bead as a little tribute is just part of this process, I thought it would be a nice symbol so I know I don't have to think about it every day in order to not forget (sounds stupid I know, but...). As for the teddy bear, do you think it is too baby-ish? I didn't want to go for, say, a baby carriage or bottle or bootie or any of the other ones in the 'baby' range for that reason, but I thought a teddy bear would be nice. I also have (among others) a bumble bee, a froggie, an angel, a cut little owl. I figured it would be on a par with them. Arise_Serpentor - I realise no birth is involved, I'm talking about the day he/she WOULD have been born - just a small memoir to remind me what I gave up and went through in order to have the life I now have. Thanks again everyone
Geishawhelk Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 H-girl fair enough. It's just concern, re the counselling thing. But I guess you know yourself best with that one. Follow your instincts, then, on the little thing you buy or use, to commemorate the anniversary... they seem to be doing the business so far. Keep well, take care. FWIW, I think when the time comes - and doubtless, it will - you'll make a great mom.
Arise_Serpentor Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 So are you seeing this baby as a person now and not before, or did you see the baby as a person from the start?
ioncebelieved Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 ioncebelieved - Don't worry about sounding offensive. I am aware of every view of abortion out there, and I am perfectly 'together' and secure that my decision was the right one so I respect your view as well. My view on it is that it is not a black and white, neither is stealing or lying. None of my options were perfect at the time, and I AGONISED over the decision, believe me, but believe I came to the right one for me at that time. And yes, I have to live with grief and guilt - but I don't regret it. Thanks for refraining from bashing me anyway as noone deserves that. We are all imperfect humans, just trying to feel our way around and follow Jesus the best we can. That is the main thing. If you are at terms with it...that is all you need and it is your life. I hope life brings you the very best!!!
Author hendersongirl Posted October 19, 2008 Author Posted October 19, 2008 Geishawhelk and ioncebelieved - Thank you, that means a lot (even though you are faceless internet people ) Arise_Serpentor - I can get into a philosophical discussion with you if you like (I am training to be a philosopher) but basicall I think it is MUCH more complicated than that. A 5 week embryo I think is a potential person, at the least. If it had been a miscarriage and not an abortion, would you think I was justified in commemorating the day I WOULD have become a mum? Separate from any moral anguish I may (or may not) feel, emotionally I had a miscarriage.
Arise_Serpentor Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 It was just a simple yes/no question. But either way, bake a cake and celebrate its birthday!
quankanne Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 the bead is a lovely idea, just have a reply ready when someone points out the extra bead. "A bead for one to grow on" might be a non-committal answer, but not far from the truth – this experience has been a learning experience, you know?
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I'm talking about the day he/she WOULD have been born - just a small memoir to remind me what I gave up and went through in order to have the life I now have. Do it. If it makes you feel sentimental and not too sad, then definately get the bead. I think you're going to be OK, and yes, you're going to have rough days, emotional days and feel the loss, feel sadness, but you'll handle it with the love and support of your partner. just have a reply ready when someone points out the extra bead If I were your shoes, and someone asked about that particular bead, I'd say something like, "It represents a new beginning." NOONE has to know the real reason.
sb129 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I could easily bash you, but I will refrain from it as I do not know all the circumstances in your world. As for abortion, I generally ride the fence. Not firmly for or against it. I happen to be a far right conservative and do believe in abortion when a woman is raped. Are you feeling down because you feel you made the wrong decision? Furthermore, YES, it is your choice and really that does not warrant a bashing from me.... but there are so many people out there that want children and they can't have any. Only you and your parents know why you had one. I wish you the best and hopefully you can overcome the feelings you are having. Well, I was about to bash YOU for the above post, as I don't think this thread is the appropriate place to discuss for/against abortion, but you redeemed yourself brilliantly below- its so nice when people realise that some things are better left to other threads, and actually acknowledge it. In retrospect, I would have been better off leaving the bashing comment out altogether as it implied some insensitivity on my part and it was a bit inappropriate. You are also correct with counseling is needed. HG- the bead is a lovely idea, and you don't have to tell anyone of its significance if you don't want to. Even though the baby wasn't ever "born", and in some peoples eyes was never a "person", you are still grieving for what could have been, and that is part of the natural healing process. Commemorating it with a bead is a nice subtle way of doing so. Good luck to you.
sedgwick Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 i think you may want to seek some cousleing! An aborted baby can't have a birthday since no birth was involved. SOOOO inappropriate. What a horrible thing to say.
Recommended Posts