Reggie Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I disagree with letting her go out with the OM. If you look at the regions of the world with lower infidelity rates you will see a big pattern where men and women do not take part in behavior like this. They have very clear cut boundaries. I know a lot of us want to believe that these people are less modern or sophisticated then us but in reality I believe we seem to forget that people have an animal side. There will always be someone more attractive then your spouse whether its their looks, intelligence, or job. That is why you can never believe that your M is affair proof. People in real relationships need boundaries because afterall everyone is human and capable of messing up. Im not saying the OP should lock his wife up but he should not be ok with her going on a "date" with a man she admits to being attracted to. The desire to remain faithful has to come from within, IMO, not from external boundaries. As you say, there will always be someone who some may consider more attractive out there. If a husband or wife has to rely on his or her own insistence that their spouse remain faithful, they will be exhausted by having to remain ever vigilant. And, what does the need for such insistence say about how your spouse really feels about you?
angie2443 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I disagree with letting her go out with the OM. . He can't tell her to go or not to go. It is her right to do what she wants. What he can tell her is where his bounderies lie and that there will be consequences if those bounderies are crossed. This is what I learned the hard way. When I stopped bieng a door mat, my husband stopped walking all over me. When spouses tell their partners they are fine with something they're not, and let their spouses do what ever they want without reacting to it, then they tell their spouses to walk all over them and their spouses do so with pleasure.
angie2443 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 The desire to remain faithful has to come from within, IMO, not from external boundaries. As you say, there will always be someone who some may consider more attractive out there. If a husband or wife has to rely on his or her own insistence that their spouse remain faithful, they will be exhausted by having to remain ever vigilant. And, what does the need for such insistence say about how your spouse really feels about you? I understand what you're saying. A person needs to set their own bounderies so they won't cheat. I am very attracted to my husband and love him. This does not that I don't have crushes or fantisize about other men from time to time. If I had a dinner with one of these men, or shared private jokes with one of these men, I'd be putting myself in a place where emotions could take over. It is fine to say you'd never cheat, or your partner has to trust you. However, if you are doing these things ( like having private dinners) that can cause emotions to grow or cause your physical attraction to someone overwhelm you, then your partner shouldn't trust you and you could very well cheat. In this case, the OP should not trust his wife, and at least her know what his feelings are.
lkjh Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 When I get married my wife will have the right to not allow me to go on a date. Marriage is not about an individual but its about the family as a whole. If someone feels they have the right to do as they please in a M, then their SO should divorce them. I agree he can't physically stop her but if she refuses his wish and goes on a date then maybe it is time to talk to a divorce attorney.
lkjh Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I agree with angie, everyone is capable of messing up if they continue to put themselves in risky situations. Just look at how many post are about people who claim they never believed they are capable of cheating but ended up doing it.
Reggie Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 When I get married my wife will have the right to not allow me to go on a date. Marriage is not about an individual but its about the family as a whole. If someone feels they have the right to do as they please in a M, then their SO should divorce them. I agree he can't physically stop her but if she refuses his wish and goes on a date then maybe it is time to talk to a divorce attorney. I understand what you are saying. But, doesn't the fact that she has the desire to pursue her fantasy this far say something about how she feels about her husband? I have to wonder how I'd feel if my wife disclosed to me that she not only had a "crush" on some guy , but she wanted to go out with him and was making plans to do so. I guess I'd feel like I was chopped liver and the only reason she was not choosing him over me was the threat of consequences. Are we dealing with equal, responsible partners or do we have a parent/child relationship going here?
lkjh Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I think her telling him this and him being ok with her going on a date is a direct consequence of putting to much faith in peoples ability to always do the right thing. The same thing happens when people have a open marriage, feelings always get involved. Their huge amount of trust erased all boundary lines.
Lookingforward Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Well this is the infidelity forum, not "BS's Suck And I'm Entitled To Their Spouse" forum. wow ... I really don't think that's what I said at ALL.. but I am entitled to post on any board (as are you) Is it too much that someone may think the reverse can also be true at times ?
Lookingforward Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I understand what you are saying. But, doesn't the fact that she has the desire to pursue her fantasy this far say something about how she feels about her husband? I have to wonder how I'd feel if my wife disclosed to me that she not only had a "crush" on some guy , but she wanted to go out with him and was making plans to do so. I guess I'd feel like I was chopped liver and the only reason she was not choosing him over me was the threat of consequences. Are we dealing with equal, responsible partners or do we have a parent/child relationship going here? I agree Reggie, if she wants to go on "dates" then fine, she shouldn't be married.
Bryanp Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I would like to suggest that we simply end this thread. This fellow has gone over to marriage builders and is responding to the messages from people on that site. His screen name is Bingo. It seems pretty clear he has no desire to respond to this thread so I think we should just end it.
Lizzie60 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I would like to suggest that we simply end this thread. This fellow has gone over to marriage builders and is responding to the messages from people on that site. His screen name is Bingo. It seems pretty clear he has no desire to respond to this thread so I think we should just end it. And???? he might be back if he wants to.. people are allowed to visit more than one forum you know..
Bryanp Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Sorry everyone. I made a mistake about this poster posting at marriage builders. Delete what I previously said. By the way Lizzie, why are you so confrontational?
Lizzie60 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Lizzie, why are you so confrontational? I'm not confrontional.. look who's talking.. I have 'hot flashes' when people think they have the right to 'end a thread' just because..
JamesM Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Sorry everyone. I made a mistake about this poster posting at marriage builders. Delete what I previously said. By the way Lizzie, why are you so confrontational? Because if we all listened to your first post, then we would have all been mistaken. Besides, if you have been here any length of time, no one ever listens when someone says "We should end this thread."
Bryanp Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Lizzie, Do you even read what I had written. I said I would like to suggest we end this thread. You wrote you got hot flashes when people think they have a right to end a thread. Where is it that I said I have a right to end this thread? Unbelievable.
Lizzie60 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Lizzie, Do you even read what I had written. I said I would like to suggest we end this thread. You wrote you got hot flashes when people think they have a right to end a thread. Where is it that I said I have a right to end this thread? Unbelievable. OK.. here it is again.. I have hot flashes when people even suggest to end a thread.. by even suggesting it, you are thinking you have a right to even suggest to end it.. when in fact, people can post whenever they want, wherever they want, to whoever they want.. who do you think you are.. a MOD?
Lizzie60 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Oh.. and I should add.. do you stalk people who post on LS? You are obviously checking the other forum... and found him.. (or who you think could be him).. that's bad.. what is good for one..should be good for the other.. huh?
JamesM Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 When I get married ...... Marriage is a growing experience. When I first was married, I was smarter about marriage than I am now. The longer I am married, the more I know yet the less I know. I do like the different opinions the OP is receiving. I hope he does come back and take a look at them. He cannot control his wife. He cannot change her. He can only control himself. And he can only change himself. Marriage is about meeting the needs of the other, but when decides that commitment is not important, then everything changes. Should he fight for her? I think so. Fifteen years is too many years to simply walk away without a fight.
Reggie Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Marriage is a growing experience. When I first was married, I was smarter about marriage than I am now. The longer I am married, the more I know yet the less I know. I do like the different opinions the OP is receiving. I hope he does come back and take a look at them. He cannot control his wife. He cannot change her. He can only control himself. And he can only change himself. Marriage is about meeting the needs of the other, but when decides that commitment is not important, then everything changes. Should he fight for her? I think so. Fifteen years is too many years to simply walk away without a fight. I don't think we have enough info about her and her reaction to seeing his pain to know if she is worth fighting for. Maybe she does not give a **** about him. After all, it looks like she has continued to lie to him regarding the secret account.
Al_Bundy Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 wow ... I really don't think that's what I said at ALL Not saying you did. Just making a contrast between this forum and that "other" forum. .. but I am entitled to post on any board (as are you) yes you are, even if it is to take jabs at the BS's here in your own subtle way;) Is it too much that someone may think the reverse can also be true at times ? Not at all, so why don't you just come out and tell the OP that there was SOMETHING he had to have done to "lead" this to happen.
Al_Bundy Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 When I get married my wife will have the right to not allow me to go on a date. Exactly! She will have the right to tell you you can't be with another woman. She doesn't have the right to physically restrain you. But she retains the right to hand you a right deserved smackdown(whether it be locking you out of the house or serving you with divorce papers) if you did go out on dates with other women. Bottom line. If someone doesn't want to act like a wife/husband, then they don't need to be married. When you get married, you give up dating and "forsake all others".
Al_Bundy Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I would like to suggest that we simply end this thread. This fellow has gone over to marriage builders and is responding to the messages from people on that site. His screen name is Bingo. It seems pretty clear he has no desire to respond to this thread so I think we should just end it. Although I know you came back and stated that you were mistaken about the above comment, I wouldn't blame the guy a bit if he left here with a couple of the people in here insinuating that somehow he had to have done something to lead her to do what she did(in an indirect way). And yes, that IS blaming someone for being cheated on. The argument saying he had to have been responsible for a breakdown in the marriage, oh, but its not his fault that she cheated is backpeddaling to me. Its like saying, "YOU NEGLECTED HER AND THATS WHY SHE CHEATED!! oh, but its not your fault"
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