Wife secret email account for old friend

[e5husmc]

My wife and I have been married for the past 15 years and have never mistrusted each other. We both have had friends of the opposite sex and this has never been a problem. About 2 weeks ago my asked if it would be alright to have dinner with an old friend from high school, this is a guy she had a thing for but never dated and she has mentioned him from time to time when we go back to our hometown. I told her it was fine as I usually did when such things are asked. A couple of days later I started thinking something was wrong, my wife was spending a lot of time on her work laptop, which she hardly ever used to bring home, she can access her work from 3 of our home computers. She seemed to be avoiding any physical contact with me so I started to become suspicious. She started clicking on her laptop every time I walked in the room as though to shut down a program. Thursday night I finally told her what was going through my head about her and this old friend. She said she was excited to hook-up with him after such a long time and they had been emailing each other. Although I have access to her home email I refused to check it because I didn't want to throw away 15 years of trust. Friday night she was on her work laptop again, closing her IE everytime I entered the room. I finally entered the room and went straight towards her and sat down next to her, she had setup an email account with Yahoo that I didn't know about. She first claimed she used this account for work purposes but I knew better. When I told her she was lying about using it for work and asked why she was using a secret email just to email this guy she said she was worried I would get mad. In 15 years I have never had a problem with her talking to any of her friends, I asked why she thought I would with this friend she didn't have an answer. She said they were just friends and nothing else and she was sorry.

If it was just 2 friends emailing why hide it? She said she has never cheated on me and never will. My problem is that she flushed 15 years of complete and total trust down the drain, I love her with all my heart but my brain keeps kicking into self-protection mode. Any suggestions where to go from here?

[Geishawhelk]

Yes.

Counselling.

Had you not discovered this, things might have progressed to something else.

 

Bear this in mind:

Cheating is NOT the issue.

 

The fact is, people do not look for fun and titillation outside of a relationship, if they feel happy and secure within it.

Something - for your wife - has begun to go missing.

This was a fun distraction.

It was a way of relieving the boredom.

 

before you say "that she flushed 15 years of complete and total trust down the drain" ask yourself what you have been contributing to the relationship to make her feel needed, cherished, wanted, nourished and loved?

 

I am not accusing you of being neglectful.

I am not accusing this of being your fault.

But in matters such as these, communication somewhere, has failed.

A relationship is a two-way thing.

Something has changed the layout.

[Bryanp]

I think you are justified in your feelings. If the roles had been reversed I am sure she would be feeling very upset also. The fact that she has been lying to you about setting up a private email account with this guy sounds very suspicious to me. She has always had a crush on him is also a red flag. I am sorry but you would really have to wonder what really went on when she had dinner with him. Her subsequent actions indicate something probably happened at that dinner. Her actions should prompt you to try to see what were in those emails. Her actions are indicative of a person who is involved in an affair of some kind.

[Reggie]

I'd say that you are onto something. She is definitely showing signs of cheating.

Contrary to what the first responder says, I don't think you should start focusing on your lack of contribution to the marriage. There is a huge tendency of the betrayed to take responsibility for something over which he had no control. Your self esteem and confidence take a beating in this and the suggestion that you are in someway responsible for her cheating is nuts.

If your wife has an issue with the marriage like boredome or whatever, she, as an adult, has the responsibility to bring this to your attention so you guys can work on it.

Can you access the content of the e-mail. I'd think if she is just innocently communicating, she'd let you see the stuff. She seems to be hiding things.

[Mr. Lucky]

Can you access the content of the e-mail. I'd think if she is just innocently communicating, she'd let you see the stuff. She seems to be hiding things.

I agree 100%. If it's just friendly chit chat, she'd show it to you, right?

 

People lie to protect things that are important to them. You're going to have to determine why this relationship falls into that category...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

before you say "that she flushed 15 years of complete and total trust down the drain" ask yourself what you have been contributing to the relationship to make her feel needed, cherished, wanted, nourished and loved?

As above, plus everything else that Geisha said.

 

marriagebuilders.com has some excellent resources. You may wish to check-out the section on 'emotional needs', plus the 'lovebusters' and 'emotional needs' questionnaires -- possibly even sharing some or all with your wife(?)

 

Best of luck.

[lkjh]

Yes.

Counselling.

Had you not discovered this, things might have progressed to something else.

 

Bear this in mind:

Cheating is NOT the issue.

 

The fact is, people do not look for fun and titillation outside of a relationship, if they feel happy and secure within it.

Something - for your wife - has begun to go missing.

This was a fun distraction.

It was a way of relieving the boredom.

 

before you say "that she flushed 15 years of complete and total trust down the drain" ask yourself what you have been contributing to the relationship to make her feel needed, cherished, wanted, nourished and loved?

 

I am not accusing you of being neglectful.

I am not accusing this of being your fault.

But in matters such as these, communication somewhere, has failed.

A relationship is a two-way thing.

Something has changed the layout.

 

I disagree with this 100%!!! I am tired of people always blaming the BS for an affair. If you were neglecting a "need" of hers, she should come out an tell you instead of seeking someone outside of marriage. People need to learn that friendships of the opposite sex can and often lead to feelings, a person can be in a wonderful relationship but after 15 years if something new comes along feelings change. Do not blame yourself! A relationship does take two but an affair only takes one.

[lkjh]

The only thing you need to look at is the reason you allowed your wife to go on a date with a man she had a thing for! This was a huge mistake and it invites infidelity right into your home

[imagine]

Its wrong because she KNEW that you would be offended. But carried on regardless.

 

The deal has now changed - she is having an EA and consequently means NC with OM forever.

 

Go ahead and install the keyloggers, voice activated recorders and monitor her cell.

 

PLEASE pay attention to Ronni and start reading the marriage builder articles. Sadly, posters don't do this quick enough and compound their problems.

 

Google the site now! Come back when you've started reading.

[carhill]

Also, OP, we have some active-duty and retired military men here on LS who have dealt with what you are dealing with. From your username, I deduced that you are military.

 

Search for Gunny376 and LakesideDream and read their postings.

[Bryanp]

I also agree with the previous writer about what you were thinking agreeing to her going out on a date with this guy. You knew she always had a crush on this guy and was very attractive to him. What you should have done was to have your wife invite him over for dinner with you. Having your wife going on a date (which is exactly what it was) has lead to the consequences you are dealing with. I am sure they must have had a grand old time for your wife to set up a secret email account with him and lie to you about it. It does not take a genius to figure out something clearly went down that was not supposed to happen at that date.

 

I would certainly try to get at those emails. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words; and your wife's actions are speaking volumes.

[Geishawhelk]

I disagree with this 100%!!! I am tired of people always blaming the BS for an affair. If you were neglecting a "need" of hers, she should come out an tell you instead of seeking someone outside of marriage. People need to learn that friendships of the opposite sex can and often lead to feelings, a person can be in a wonderful relationship but after 15 years if something new comes along feelings change. Do not blame yourself! A relationship does take two but an affair only takes one.

 

Excuse me, but I never said he was to blame. In fact I said quite the opposite.

But every single affair is down to lack of communication. If people communicated more, there would be far fewer affairs and this forum would be a lot quieter.

A relationship takes two.

An affair takes three.

 

And three's a crowd.

[lkjh]

By saying lack of communication caused the affair makes it seem like people are not capable of making discussions. He never said he neglected her needs; you just assumed it! By saying an affair takes three you are putting blame on him and that is wrong. Our society continues to get worst because we fail to hold people responsible for their actions! We want to make excuses for people like they felt lonely, they are depressed, they feel unwanted and so on but it all comes down to how you act. If someone chooses to take part in an affair then they are to blame and only them. She is the only one to blame even if he did "neglect" her. The only blame he can take is the fact that he was foolish enough to let his wife go on a date with another man.

[Walk]

By saying lack of communication caused the affair makes it seem like people are not capable of making discussions. He never said he neglected her needs; you just assumed it! By saying an affair takes three you are putting blame on him and that is wrong. Our society continues to get worst because we fail to hold people responsible for their actions! We want to make excuses for people like they felt lonely, they are depressed, they feel unwanted and so on but it all comes down to how you act. If someone chooses to take part in an affair then they are to blame and only them. She is the only one to blame even if he did "neglect" her. The only blame he can take is the fact that he was foolish enough to let his wife go on a date with another man.

 

You're missing Geishawhelk's points. The issue is that the communication broke down to the point that something like this could even wedge its way into the relationship in the first place. At that point, it is both partners responsibility to ensure that communication is open, and working. The OP isn't wrong, he isn't a bad guy, but if he wants to keep his marriage then the communication has to be brought back up to the level where the issues could be discussed and resolved. He won't be able to do that on his own, but it definitely won't work if he throws up his hands and say's he's done fighting for his relationship (which is what will happen if he doesn't attempt to repair the communication issues). A great deal of the time, when two people drift far enough away from each other that an affair is a potential, then there's an element of non-communication occuring. The reason could be him, it could be her, the distance could be due to the lack of communcation, or the lack of communication could be a result of the distance. No matter how you toss it, communication still needs to be addressed.

[lkjh]

You're missing Geishawhelk's points. The issue is that the communication broke down to the point that something like this could even wedge its way into the relationship in the first place. At that point, it is both partners responsibility to ensure that communication is open, and working. The OP isn't wrong, he isn't a bad guy, but if he wants to keep his marriage then the communication has to be brought back up to the level where the issues could be discussed and resolved. He won't be able to do that on his own, but it definitely won't work if he throws up his hands and say's he's done fighting for his relationship (which is what will happen if he doesn't attempt to repair the communication issues). A great deal of the time, when two people drift far enough away from each other that an affair is a potential, then there's an element of non-communication occuring. The reason could be him, it could be her, the distance could be due to the lack of communcation, or the lack of communication could be a result of the distance. No matter how you toss it, communication still needs to be addressed.

 

I did not miss the point, I just don't see where in his post he stated they stopped communicating. He said they have always trusted each other and were so open he was willing to let her go out with this guy. I'm just tired of people making excuses for everyone and saying communication is what led to it is just an excuse.

[Geishawhelk]

I didn't say he had said that!!

 

Do me a big favour: read this, then go up and read my post again:

 

I said that "Communication somewhere had failed" I never said he was responsible or guilty of it!

When a person starts looking elsewhere, they have not communicated their needs to their partner.

In this case, it's perfectly clear that there is something in their marriage Troubling HER.

instead of HER communicating it to her husband, she took the "easy" route and looked for validation elsewhere.

 

There is a POSSIBILITY that the husband has been neglecting her emotional needs - but nowhere did I suggest this was conscious, malicious, deliberate, contrived or intentional.

 

It happens.

 

She did not inform him of her needs.

It is likely that he did not inform her of his.

 

She did not communicate with him.

He did not communicate with her.

Information, is giving out.

Communication is getting through.

 

They need to communicate.

[e5husmc]

1. My wife hasn't gone to dinner with her friend yet, this was going to be in a month when she stays at her sister's house during a business trip (sorry my mind wasn't very clear when I originally posted).

 

2. I did tell her a wanted her password to her secret email and she gave it up. After reading through all the emails (inbox, sent, deleted, old email folder) there were none that would have caused a problem with me. That's why I don't understand why she was hiding this from me. The emails even mentioned his daughter and our 2 kids, he even asked about me, it reads as 2 friends trying to catch up after 19 years.

After a long drive and alot of thinking, we talked more about it and she still says she doesn't know why she tried to hide this but it would never happen again. I told her I didn't mind her talking with him as long as she wasn't hiding things from me and it was up to her about going to dinner with him (I know I could be setting myself up for a hard lesson) I did tell I may or may not check her emails and she had lost her privacy for now.

[carhill]

So, other than these e-mails, any concerns about your M?

[Bryanp]

I think you are handling this very well. It still seems strange to me that she had no explanation why she deliberately hid the emails from you and set up a secret email account just for that man. I guess I just a cynic but she did deliberately set up a secret email account and hid the emails with this man. Saying she has no explanation for this simply does not wash. She had a reason to do these things. The conclusion is that is still refuses to tell you the truth. If the roles were reversed would she buy the argument that you have no explanation for setting up a hidden email account with a woman she had previously a crush on and deliberately hid the emails from her? She would not buy your response and neither should you. Good luck.

[Geishawhelk]

Yeh, and not to blow my own trumpet, but another look at post #2 wouldn't hurt you.

 

All the very best.

[Reggie]

I also agree with the previous writer about what you were thinking agreeing to her going out on a date with this guy. You knew she always had a crush on this guy and was very attractive to him. What you should have done was to have your wife invite him over for dinner with you. Having your wife going on a date (which is exactly what it was) has lead to the consequences you are dealing with. I am sure they must have had a grand old time for your wife to set up a secret email account with him and lie to you about it. It does not take a genius to figure out something clearly went down that was not supposed to happen at that date.

 

I would certainly try to get at those emails. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words; and your wife's actions are speaking volumes.

 

I strongly disagree with this. A person should be able to trust their spouse completely. It is nonsense to think otherwise. What, are you supposed to be ever vigilant, her jailkeeper? You did nothing wrong here.

I like some of the marriagebuilders stuff, but , IMO, much of it places too much responsibility for the atate of the marriage on the BS. Experets have found, time and again in studying this phenomenon, that in most cases, the WS has been neglecting the marriage way more than the BS.

[Reggie]

Okay, I read your subsequent post. I don't know. O iguess maybe I've just become way too cynical aftger seeing the deception played out time and again in my own and others situations.

That said, I have to agree with Bryan. It just makes no sense that she needed a secret account, no sense at all. I'd keep digging. Smells bad, but , like I said, this stuff has jaded me.

[imagine]

Clearly the crush is on your WW side.

 

It takes too long to explain the mechanics of affairs. Please avail yourself of the information at the Marriage builders site.

 

There are many posters like yourself that have not. And regret it.

[dannydrifter]

The fact is, people do not look for fun and titillation outside of a relationship, if they feel happy and secure within it.

Something - for your wife - has begun to go missing.

This was a fun distraction.

It was a way of relieving the boredom.

 

No, I disagree with this. You see, what you are saying is sort of legitimizing her behaviors. So if a spouse starts to interact with a co-worker or friend in such a manner, does this mean it's to be expected, or understandable because hey, something is "missing" for her/him?

 

She has to respect her husband and her marriage, plain and simple. Life is tough, marriage is tough, there are lots of outside pressures. But we all have to deal with them. And besides, if she is feeling "bored" or whatever you are suggesting, that doesn't automatically mean the husband is to blame either. Maybe she is too emotionally needy, I don't know. But the husband isn't supposed to be some circus clown whose job is to continually provide entertainment for fear of a wife getting bored and considering having dinner with an old friend she admitted having past interest in. A wife, and husband, are supposed to be loyal to one another through tough times and good times.

[dannydrifter]

The issue is that the communication broke down to the point that something like this could even wedge its way into the relationship in the first place.

 

No, this is just your assumption. And not a good one at that I must say!