pelicanpreacher Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 I've been wondering about this issue as a number of posters contend that parents get divorced all the time and seem to imply that the children of the marriage will get over it with little difficulty. For those of you who've experienced divorce as a child has that experience changed your views or fears about divorce as an adult? For those who were aware early on of infidelity on a parent's part and knew it to be the impetus and catalyst for their divorce, has that knowledge changed your empathies in any way towards either parent? Finally, has knowledge of infidelity within your parent's marriage affected your personal views on infidelity as an adult? Since my parents are still together after 40+ years of marriage I have no personal base of reference in which to determine an opinion except indirectly through experience with my last longterm relationship with a woman whose parents split up when she was young due to infidelity on her father's part. Although she always railed against infidelity for the above mentioned reason she betrayed me by doing it which inevitably broke us up! Any insight would be helpful.
GPFan Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 I've been wondering about this issue as a number of posters contend that parents get divorced all the time and seem to imply that the children of the marriage will get over it with little difficulty.I believe the ones who routinely make this claim aren't the parents of the children in question. Parents are the ones intimately aware of the impact, positive or negative, on their own children. Believing this helps to assuage guilt. For those of you who've experienced divorce as a child has that experience changed your views or fears about divorce as an adult?Yes, any intense and/or painful childhood experience changes who you are as you grow into adulthood. More important than divorce, which is sometimes unavoidable, is how parents divorce. Children take their cues from their parents when deciding how to respond to a situation. Ugly, contentious divorces with upset and anxious parents is guaranteed to provide a child with an unforgettably negative experience. Finally, has knowledge of infidelity within your parent's marriage affected your personal views on infidelity as an adult?Yes, the ugliness and negativity of infidelity leaves an indelible imprint in its wake.
TigerCub Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 My parents never cheated on each other and never divorced, but I will say this, when I was young, I had this idealistic view of what marriage and love would be, but as I got older and I saw all the cheating that goes around in relationships or heard of all those relationships where people are just in them because they're stuck, not because they want to be, I have become one of the biggest cynics when it comes to marriage. So I don't think it really has that much to do with the parents' background - maybe it does to a certain extent, but I don't think its the only factor.
Lizzie60 Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 I wasn't a child of divorce .. my parents are still together... but I left my first ex when my son was only 12... it was tough.. sooooo tough on him. There are no solutions... I'm afraid.. some people live together for the sake of their children but for those who divorce.. it is always hard on the children and the parents.. always.. And we will see that more and more..unless people start to realize that once you decide to have children.. you need to stay for their sake until they're old enough to be on their own.. that could be a compromise... It's not easy... each case is different.. but I think that parents should stick together in an open marriage if they need to.. to be with the children... and I'm saying that ONLY if there is no abuse or animosity between the parents.. All my MMs are quite happy at home... so they are staying for the sake of the children.. and I think that's fair for the kids..
TigerCub Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 I wasn't a child of divorce .. my parents are still together... but I left my first ex when my son was only 12... it was tough.. sooooo tough on him. There are no solutions... I'm afraid.. some people live together for the sake of their children but for those who divorce.. it is always hard on the children and the parents.. always.. And we will see that more and more..unless people start to realize that once you decide to have children.. you need to stay for their sake until they're old enough to be on their own.. that could be a compromise... It's not easy... each case is different.. but I think that parents should stick together in an open marriage if they need to.. to be with the children... and I'm saying that ONLY if there is no abuse or animosity between the parents.. All my MMs are quite happy at home... so they are staying for the sake of the children.. and I think that's fair for the kids.. Even with the lack of huge arguments or abuse, don't you think kids actually pick up on the little things and know that something is off - and that, in the end might actually give them a distorted view of what a relationship should be? I'm just asking because I think that no matter how 2 people can try to pretend that all is well, they can't put on a show 24/7 for years.
Lizzie60 Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Even with the lack of huge arguments or abuse, don't you think kids actually pick up on the little things and know that something is off - and that, in the end might actually give them a distorted view of what a relationship should be? I'm just asking because I think that no matter how 2 people can try to pretend that all is well, they can't put on a show 24/7 for years. I agree kids pick up on small stuff that isn't going right.. but if you ask them if they'd prefer to be separated from mom and dad.. chances are they will say no.. kids want both parents around all the time.. I remember when I was young.. my parents fought a lot.. my father cheated on my mother.. she threatened to leave.. I was sooo scared she would eventhough I understood her.. (I hated my dad with a passion)... but I didn't want them to divorce.
Author pelicanpreacher Posted October 20, 2008 Author Posted October 20, 2008 I agree kids pick up on small stuff that isn't going right.. but if you ask them if they'd prefer to be separated from mom and dad.. chances are they will say no.. kids want both parents around all the time.. I remember when I was young.. my parents fought a lot.. my father cheated on my mother.. she threatened to leave.. I was sooo scared she would eventhough I understood her.. (I hated my dad with a passion)... but I didn't want them to divorce. I want to thank everyone who's taken the time to respond. Liz, in your case, did the impact of your experiences shape your outlook on your adult relationships or the subject of marriage and divorce? Also, now that you've grown up, I assume at some point you've reconciled with your father, no? If so then, in empathizing to understand and forgive him for what he did to you and your mother by commiting infidelity, has that reshaped your values and beliefs on this subject since coming to terms with his actions?
Al_Bundy Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I've been wondering about this issue as a number of posters contend that parents get divorced all the time and seem to imply that the children of the marriage will get over it with little difficulty. My oldest son hasn't(youngest too young to know any different) He is for the most part a happy kid. He sprints to my car whenever its my weekend to be with them. And he cries when he has to go back at the end of my weekends. Its been over a year, he is 8, and he hasn't gotten over it yet. Not completely.
Lizzie60 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I want to thank everyone who's taken the time to respond. Liz, in your case, did the impact of your experiences shape your outlook on your adult relationships or the subject of marriage and divorce? Also, now that you've grown up, I assume at some point you've reconciled with your father, no? If so then, in empathizing to understand and forgive him for what he did to you and your mother by commiting infidelity, has that reshaped your values and beliefs on this subject since coming to terms with his actions? I am convinced that my father has nothing to do with my lifestyle.. since I am 56 and have been doing what I'm doing only for the last 6 years.. He has nothing to do with it.. since I was for most of my life in 2 long relationships.. never cheated.. (never was cheated on that I know of).. was a good mother, always had good jobs.. I was the 'every day simple mother/partner.. just like any one on here I suppose.. I just don't see the big deal with having several sexual partners.. and friends with benefit$ or dating younger men.. Lots of permissive people have had good childhood ... I just don't understand why people thinks sex is the end of the world.. it,s just normal part of life..
Author pelicanpreacher Posted October 20, 2008 Author Posted October 20, 2008 Actually Liz, your current lifestyle nor sex came to mind in my musings. I was just wondering about the fact that you did enter into 2 committed longterm relationships but always stopped short of marriage. Did that fact have anything to do with the tumultuous experience you endured as a child observing the drama play out regarding your father's infidelity within your parent's marriage?
Owl Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I agree kids pick up on small stuff that isn't going right.. but if you ask them if they'd prefer to be separated from mom and dad.. chances are they will say no.. kids want both parents around all the time.. I remember when I was young.. my parents fought a lot.. my father cheated on my mother.. she threatened to leave.. I was sooo scared she would eventhough I understood her.. (I hated my dad with a passion)... but I didn't want them to divorce. I would agree with you...if you ask any child if they want their parents together or seperated, you'll hear a resounding "together". But...to the point about what the impacts to are on the kids... You suggested open marriage as a solution. What does THAT teach the kids about marriage/relationships/sex? What are the long term impacts to them...how will this affect THEIR choices as adults later in life? And which are worse...the impacts of divorce, or the impact of seeing their parents in an open marriage?
angie2443 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 I've been wondering about this issue as a number of posters contend that parents get divorced all the time and seem to imply that the children of the marriage will get over it with little difficulty. . No, most children don't "get over it with little difficulty". The exception may be where abuse is involved, however, even these children often hurt from the divorce. Certainly I think it is better to divorce in these situations regardless of the hurt that is going to come of it. As for me, my situation may have been a little differant than other's whose parents divorced when I was a child. My mother became ill and it was my dad who had to take care of me. This was only shortly after their divorce. It was the issues underlying the divorce that affected my views of marriage most. I saw my father verbally abuse my mother, sometimes physically, and cheat on her left and right. Growing up, I didn't want to be the wife. I wanted to be the mistress. They were the ones who were loved and respected, at least in my view. My views were very screwed up from all of this and when I look at the relationships I entered in my teens and very early twenties, it makes me cringe. As for the divorce itself, I had to watch my family break apart. My life was shattered and it would be a long time before I could put anything back together. Of course, our standard of living went down. Our house was sold. We then rented a house and finally lived in apartments. We became a group of people living together, yet having our own seperate lives, as opposed to a family that shared a life. I realize not everyone's experience is like mine, but this is how it happened to me.
Author pelicanpreacher Posted October 21, 2008 Author Posted October 21, 2008 No, most children don't "get over it with little difficulty". The exception may be where abuse is involved, however, even these children often hurt from the divorce. Certainly I think it is better to divorce in these situations regardless of the hurt that is going to come of it. As for me, my situation may have been a little differant than other's whose parents divorced when I was a child. My mother became ill and it was my dad who had to take care of me. This was only shortly after their divorce. It was the issues underlying the divorce that affected my views of marriage most. I saw my father verbally abuse my mother, sometimes physically, and cheat on her left and right. Growing up, I didn't want to be the wife. I wanted to be the mistress. They were the ones who were loved and respected, at least in my view. My views were very screwed up from all of this and when I look at the relationships I entered in my teens and very early twenties, it makes me cringe. As for the divorce itself, I had to watch my family break apart. My life was shattered and it would be a long time before I could put anything back together. Of course, our standard of living went down. Our house was sold. We then rented a house and finally lived in apartments. We became a group of people living together, yet having our own seperate lives, as opposed to a family that shared a life. I realize not everyone's experience is like mine, but this is how it happened to me. You've spoken to the heart of my question. Thank you. I'm beginning to believe that even though we try our hardest to be good people as adults that sometimes the sins of the "father" befuddle our intentions. Again, I thank your for your response.
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