MichiganMan222 Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 If you love someone, but dump them because you know it won't work, does NC......: 1) make you get over them faster 2) make you miss/want them more I've read through these threads and have seen both results expressed by people. What determines where you fall? Is it hard-wired in your personality or do the circumstances dictate this? (i.e. length of the relationship, someone new in the equation, etc, etc) Dumpers, tell us how this effects you.
Gypsy_Heart Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 I've only had one relationship and I fell under the other end of the dumping process. But as far as I know, both things will happen. In the short term, you're going to miss them more In the long term, you get over them more successfully than if you just stick around your loved one. NC is a difficult process because at the beginning it can make your life a living hell, but once you get used to not seeing/talking with the other, I expect things would cool off eventually. I hope my insights are useful to you
SnowWhite924 Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 If you love someone, but dump them because you know it won't work, does NC......: 1) make you get over them faster 2) make you miss/want them more I've read through these threads and have seen both results expressed by people. What determines where you fall? Is it hard-wired in your personality or do the circumstances dictate this? (i.e. length of the relationship, someone new in the equation, etc, etc) Dumpers, tell us how this effects you. In my situation, when it got to the point that I just didn't want the relationship anymore, NC made me stronger each day although it was hard it the beginning. Did I miss him? Yes, in the beginning. Did it make me want him more? No. Did it help me get over him faster? Absolutely.
Dominique Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 It has made me miss him and appreciate him more. My love for him is more intense. I am a month into NC and while I am very disciplined, every day is a bit of a battle. And it is not so much that I want to "get over him". I "like" having him on my mind. This is just something I have to do. I went NC because he was just too hot-cold/ on-off over so many years. That is the nature of his personality as well as had been the nature of the relationship (or how it became). At first I tried a "go with the flow" attitude, my love for him being the underlying inspiration. But guessing, second-guessing, too much wondering-- that is no way to conduct a relationship. It is all or nothing in my book. So I was compelled to take the NC of "nothing". I tell myself I have my dignity in tact. So--sorry for the personal tangent---but I pick "B". Has made me want him more. DOM
carhill Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 IMO, NC is to gain perspective and heal emotionally. That works whether one is the dumper or dumpee. The perspective could be "I still love him/her but can't be with him/her so I'm accepting that reality". Or, "I don't really love him/her anymore, but am merely emotionally attached to the familiarity of the R". Or....xxxx The important part is detoxing the brain of the chemical bond to the person and discovering the underlying psychology of the R. Clarity
Ruby Slippers Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 In the short term, you're going to miss them more In the long term, you get over them more successfully than if you just stick around your loved one. This has been the case for me. I am generally too emotional, forgiving, optimistic, and fond of great sex to hang out with an ex without falling prey to his charms, should he attempt to win me back or get me into bed. NC communicates to him my seriousness about the breakup and gives me time and space to recover.
SnowWhite924 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 The perspective could be "I still love him/her but can't be with him/her so I'm accepting that reality". Or, "I don't really love him/her anymore, but am merely emotionally attached to the familiarity of the R". Or....xxxx The important part is detoxing the brain of the chemical bond to the person and discovering the underlying psychology of the R. Clarity Thanks Carhill! Wow.That's what my problem is.Makes perfect sense. Now...what to do about it???
carhill Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Now...what to do about it??? IME, active thought processes of disconnection work well. These are best performed during and after NC. Just as one can believe they are in love with a specific person, they can relegate that person back into the breadth of the human race. Just think about how one person "stands out" and how many are just in the background. The work is putting that person (the relationship) back into the mixer. The work resides entirely within your brain
lofi_tokyo Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 IME, active thought processes of disconnection work well. These are best performed during and after NC. Just as one can believe they are in love with a specific person, they can relegate that person back into the breadth of the human race. Just think about how one person "stands out" and how many are just in the background. The work is putting that person (the relationship) back into the mixer. The work resides entirely within your brain Too true Carhill, too true. I would also like to add that, in my opinion, once you step back and stop pouring all your love into one person, you really get the opportunity to pour your love into all sorts of different things, love people, love nature, love life. That doesn't mean being in love with one person is bad, but I think sometimes a breakup really lets you put into perspective that person in relation to everything else that's wonderful.
SnowWhite924 Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 IME, active thought processes of disconnection work well. These are best performed during and after NC. Just as one can believe they are in love with a specific person, they can relegate that person back into the breadth of the human race. Just think about how one person "stands out" and how many are just in the background. The work is putting that person (the relationship) back into the mixer. The work resides entirely within your brain But how?? How do you do it?
carhill Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Anyone who has lived any length of time has experienced the end of relationships (friendships/family ties/romantic partners). We all move on, regardless of the reason. It's a process within our mind. Just as I believe I'm in love, I can believe otherwise. It's my choice and my process. IMO, if the process becomes intractable, it is then time to request help. MC has helped me in many ways, and likely the tools learned there will help me if we D. The only way to understand is to actually go through it with an open mind
SushiX Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 This depends on the situation of why we dumped them. However being a dumper myself on a few occassions, I would say I do miss them and do think about them. But I know its better for me if we both moved on. Why drag it on if it's going no where and just be worst?
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