Condescending men

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Last night my friend and I were approached by two pretty good looking guys. They were young and fun and we ended up talking to them for a while. However, I was starting to get the feeling that the guy I was talking to wasn't talking to me, but rather down to me. He kept making derogatory remarks about my job. I have a good job that pays me very well in healthcare. He has an advanced degree and I have a B.S. He asked me if I had to go to school to do what I do, which I thought was pretty insulting. Then he asked me where I live. After I told him, he asked if I had trouble affording it. I was like, what??? He said, well, DC is very expensive, do you have problems affording living expenses on your salary?

 

I was LIVID! I said, no, thank you very much, I own my condo and I make a good salary. I walked away after that last remark.

 

This situation is not unusual here. Sometimes I feel like men here want a resume before they go on a date with you. You need to have a name brand college and an advanced degree to get in with some of these people. Let me be clear and state that I do NOT want to date someone like this. However, I cannot help being very angry that people assume certain things about me based on where I went to college ( a pretty good one, btw) or what kind of job I have. I am an intelligent, accomplished person and I resent this condescending attitude.

 

If someone does not want to date me because I don't have the academic qualifications to suit their needs then fine. However, they don't need to make me feel small and stupid. That is NOT ok.

 

How do I handle situations like this in the future? How do I keep my self esteem intact and not let this bother me?

[Lizzie60]

I think this is not typical of all males.. only a few jerks..

 

you handled it well..waaaay better than I would have... next time just tell him to eff off .. you don't like to discuss with idiots.. only with smart open-minded people.. that should do it..

[Tony T]

Now you know what it feels like when females just meet a guy and question him about where he lives, what kind of job he has, what kind of car he drives, the health of his sperm, if his relatives are going to leave him a lot of money when they die, if he's good in bed, how many vacations he takes a year, what country club he belongs to, what his grade point average was in college, what fraternity he belonged to, what gym he works out in, if he eats junk food, how many shares of Berkshire Hathaway he owns, if he has any health problems, etc. (And this is just in the first five minutes of meeting....it sometimes gets even worse after that.)

 

The ones too shy to ask him will find out who his best friend is...and get the information out of his friend, even better if it's a lady friend.

 

I hope I've made you feel a bit better. Have a GREAT weekend!

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Thanks Lizzy. I think you are right that most guys aren't like this. I just wish I could avoid them altogether, but I guess that is impossible. At least I walked away.

 

Tony- Of course a lot of women are like this too. Not good.

[Lizzie60]

I disagree Tony.. this is NOT, from what I understood, what the problem was here.. I think he was being a jerk.. in saying 'how can you afford living there' and talking about her job, if she needed education to work in that field.. this is verrrry different as to ask questions about their jobs, where they live, etc...

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I disagree Tony.. this is NOT, from what I understood, what the problem was here.. I think he was being a jerk.. in saying 'how can you afford living there' and talking about her job, if she needed education to work in that field.. this is verrrry different as to ask questions about their jobs, where they live, etc...

 

Yeah, he was very condescending. How can you afford to live here? I can't imagine those words coming out of my mouth. Implying that a person is uneducated because of their job choice? That last statement was just plain ignorant. I not only have a B.S. in the field, I also passed national written and clinical board exams and I am licensed in my field.

[carhill]

Jerkdom is an equal opportunity job

 

The cool thing is this guy was being himself. No wasting time with a dating/pickup face. See how quickly you assessed him and decided he was a jerk? Would you prefer that all the men you met were like that (upfront, not necessarily jerks)? Why?

 

On the other side of the coin, I bet you'll remember his name and face for a good while, and, *gasp*, might even change your opinion of him, upon meeting again

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Jerkdom is an equal opportunity job

 

The cool thing is this guy was being himself. No wasting time with a dating/pickup face. See how quickly you assessed him and decided he was a jerk? Would you prefer that all the men you met were like that (upfront, not necessarily jerks)? Why?

 

On the other side of the coin, I bet you'll remember his name and face for a good while, and, *gasp*, might even change your opinion of him, upon meeting again

 

I just wish I was better at shaking this sort of thing off of me. Before I lived here, I never felt insecurity about my education or job. I actually did very well in school. However, here, I feel like people are a lot more status conscious about these things. Since I don't have an advanced degree and I don't have a high status job, I do feel like I am judged by some people.

 

I just try to remember how many really great people I know here. Plenty of people don't judge me on those things.

[Trialbyfire]

Cherry, men like this are fun to play with but not to be taken seriously or to even date, unless you can turn it around to your satisfaction.

 

When I say play with, I mean that sandbagging can be entertaining. Just play the bimbette, totally impressed with their "outstanding" accomplishments. Subtley lead the conversation around to an area of your expertise, a subject you can wax eloquent about. Ask them a few leading questions to draw them out, then shut 'em down!

 

This will do one of two things:

1. The low self-esteem types will be floored and wander off cuddling their hurt ego.
   
2. The high self-esteem types will be impressed and want to date you.
   

[carhill]

I've found the really smart iterations will rarely if ever stray from their script. I meet them every day in business. They remind me of the movie joke many years ago where all the students set up tape recorders to record the professor's class (so they don't have to attend) and then the professor does the same. No substance, just volume

[torranceshipman]

This is interesting as I didnt think men were so over interested in a girl having a top college education or expensive apartment/great career in order to find them attractive. I thought that many men often express unease at these types of things and would rather go for a girly girl that wasnt so driven/had less of a career?

[Trialbyfire]

This is interesting as I didnt think men were so over interested in a girl having a top college education or expensive apartment/great career in order to find them attractive. I thought that many men often express unease at these types of things and would rather go for a girly girl that wasnt so driven/had less of a career?

The type of man who Cherry mentions is a different type than just one who wants a strong, independent, self-sufficient woman. The type Cherry is talking about, is the "are you up to breed standards" elitist. It's just a way for a certain type of man to put himself above the madding crowds. He leverages himself off women who don't match up.

 

Now the type that wants a strong, independent, self-sufficient woman, one who can match up to him, is my kind of man!

[jerbear]

I've found the really smart iterations will rarely if ever stray from their script. I meet them every day in business. They remind me of the movie joke many years ago where all the students set up tape recorders to record the professor's class (so they don't have to attend) and then the professor does the same. No substance, just volume

Real Genius! was the movie's name! Great movie.

 

This will do one of two things:

1. The low self-esteem types will be floored and wander off cuddling their hurt ego.
   
2. The high self-esteem types will be impressed and want to date you.
   

You mean more like floored, impressed and want to date you.

 

The type of man who Cherry mentions is a different type than just one who wants a strong, independent, self-sufficient woman. The type Cherry is talking about, is the "are you up to breed standards" elitist. It's just a way for a certain type of man to put himself above the madding crowds. He leverages himself off women who don't match up.

 

Now the type that wants a strong, independent, self-sufficient woman, one who can match up to him, is my kind of man!

Those women are FUN!

 

I think the OP's response is a good one. Why continue with the conversation upon meeting. Does sound like a player, build up then she gets riled up to prove her point and 48 hours later... well you know... notch on the bed post... I think the OP did ok.

 

The thing about Cherry's men in DC is that DC is migratory group. Every few years a bunch of people move out and another batch move in. DC is very much a meritocracy city. Pedigree, who you know, internships, names names and more names.

 

The education pedigree part is just overrated. I've had gals ask and look for specific schools. Most people don't expect me to be educated.

 

I like TBF's sandbagging idea. Lead them in then bam!

[Vertex]

What an ass. Trying to downplay your job/salary on first meeting is extremely rude, and it's poor form. I think you dealt with the situation just fine, and I'm pretty sure he got the message. It sounds like he was trying to mark himself as superior, but was going about it in a very arrogant way.

 

A TON of kids at my school are like this, to be honest. Unless you're working at some big-name bank, they think something's wrong with you.

 

I've found it more effective to just keep my head down about it, though. If I am meeting someone new, I don't even mention school or academia-related things. It's more important to connect than to impress... I only bring up my school if someone asks me about it.

 

(jerbear and I went to the same school, in fact)

[Nemo]

He sounds like a massive tool.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Thanks guys, you are all making me feel better about this :love:

[Nemo]

One should never feel inadequate in cyberspace. Despite the fact that their real lives may be a Jerry-Springer-style train wreck. If you want to pretend that you're a great catch, then the least we can do is support you.

[carhill]

On that note, my tool is feeling pretty massive right now :D

[Trialbyfire]

One should never feel inadequate in cyberspace. Despite the fact that their real lives may be a Jerry-Springer-style train wreck. If you want to pretend that you're a great catch, then the least we can do is support you.

I don't believe this is solely a validation thread. There's an issue being addressed within the confines of this thread. Cherry was made to feel inadequate by someone who was probably less than adequate...if you get my drift.

 

If he had a massive tool, he wouldn't act like a massive elitist tool.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

One should never feel inadequate in cyberspace. Despite the fact that their real lives may be a Jerry-Springer-style train wreck. If you want to pretend that you're a great catch, then the least we can do is support you.

 

 

Hahahahahaha

 

I think it was Jerbear who said that DC is all about pedigree, and he is right, there are a lot of people here who are into that. Funny thing is that some of the brightest, most accomplished people I know here are also some of the most down to earth. I think that a lot of the people who are into "breeding" and "pedigree" are most likely insecure themselves.

 

I think a lot of it is how you are raised. Are you raised to be a well rounded person? To think of others, not just yourself? Do you mix and mingle with many different types of folks?

[Nemo]

To think of others, not just yourself?

Like I have time for that?! How ridiculous.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I don't believe this is solely a validation thread. There's an issue being addressed within the confines of this thread. Cherry was made to feel inadequate by someone who was probably less than adequate...if you get my drift.

 

If he had a massive tool, he wouldn't act like a massive elitist tool.

 

True that. I think the basic problem is that I want to have a good comeback for people like this. Ya know?

 

If he had a massive tool, then perhaps I would have let the comments slide. Just kidding, I didn't want his tool, massive or not, anywhere near me. I was just growing more and more uncomfortable as he spoke. I felt like he was putting me in a situation where I needed to prove myself to this total stranger. Sorry, this is a bar, not an interview!

[Nemo]

, I didn't want his tool, massive or not, anywhere near me.

For some people, denial is just a river in Egypt.

[Shygirl15]

I think this is not typical of all males.. only a few jerks..

Agree.

 

And.. your self esteem is fine, BTW. It's his that has isues. He's the one that needs to put down other people to feel good with himself.

[The Collector]

Teasing women, being condescending or arrogant - these are ways to pick up women. To get them to 'qualify themselves' to the man, rather than vice versa, as often happens.

 

Done well, with charm and a little self-deprecation it often works. On some women, such an approach will never work.