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i cheated, now what?


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Posted

I have suffered with bipolar disorder since i was 18, but wasnt diagnosed until i was 26. I would go into these manic episodes where i would engage in sexual activity with swingers. I felt bad, and would go into a depression mode. I thought i had it under control...having relapses every so often in manic mode. when i met my EX in college 7 years later in college. We hit it off from the get go. We had amazing sex, and she loved me whole heartily, and i loved her. This women would do anything for me...and i would also..at first. We were together 3 and a half years. Then MY bipolar kicked in again, 2 years after 2 years of being well. I would go into manic modes( i was not taking my meds), and sought out sexual contact with others. I lied alot and would be distant after i was in depression. I felt so bad after i cheated. Well 1 years later, she got supicous, and went through my phone...she found a txt from a girl i had sex with...and a pic i posted for a swing had..me having sex from when i was 18. she kicked me out. Her mother and friends said never to talk to me...that i had a problem. But she contacted me several day later wanting to talk. we txt backed and forth and i explained why i did what i did, and why i lied. She said she needed time and space...which i did give her. But we couldnt stay out of contact. I was trully remorsefull, and got spirtual councel, and saw my phycologist on a monthly basis..I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS AGAIN. Loosing her was the most painfull thing i had ever gone through. I gave gifts...but she told me to stop. One day she stopped by to drop a card for my father who had a tripple by-pas..they were close. I was out side cutting the grass, when she dropped off the card. She helped me finish up the yard...we talked, and took a drive to our old make out spot./...she held my hand as we drove. We talked about old times( she made it clear NO SEX) . Three days later, She said "she needed me to be her firend, and she needed to trust me", but she made it very clear we would never be together again. This after a txt msg the day before her saying "i miss you so much". We went out, had sushi, and walked through the mall like we used to...even held hands(although i know she was uncomfortable). the next day i went to pick up some of my things, and broke down about how much i loved her, and i would never do it again. She said she loved me...but not in the romantic way..like she used to. She got upset and said she couldnt be my friend if i kept pushing....so i wrote a letter apoloizing, and decided to go no contact...i cant be friends with some i love....she knows im sorry for what i done, and went to great measure to change my life around for the good. I try not to hold on to false hope...but its hard not being with her...i know i dont deserve another chance, but im trully reformed and remorseful, as well as repentful...and we still have feeling for each other.....just need some support...trying to move on..but its soooo hard.

Posted

Its obvious that this is difficult for the both of you. It seems like she still loves you, but chances are that you broke her heart. It may have been because you are bipolar and didn't deal with it well, but in the end, cheating is cheating and there really isn't a justifiable excuse for it.

 

You're right though that you can't be friends with someone you're in love with if you can't have the relationship you want. Most people do find that hard to pull off. But if you push for things to go back like they were, you'd most likely just push her away.

 

You need to give her time, maybe she'll come around, maybe not, but you have to give her the space she needs to deal with this.

 

This situation does suck, and I usually don't sympathise with cheaters, but you sound really remorseful and sad in your post. I do hope that you continue to take your meds and see the psychologist for your own good health no matter what happens with your ex.

Posted

Your cheating broke the bond and her trust in you. You broke what she used to know and as such no longer feels safe with you.

 

You sound as if you love her. And it sounds as if she has feelings for you.

 

It sounds like you want the old R back.

 

She has already told you what to do. Be her friend. Be trustworthy. Help her feel safe again. Do not rush. Do not force. Do not push. She told you this too.

 

Good luck to you.

  • Author
Posted

thanks for the support..i love her so much, i miss her smile, her jokes, her quirks...i just love her. My psycholgist said sometimes it takes tragic events like this to finally be forced to grow up. And i have. Im now getting semi good sleep without the racing thoughts about what i did to her, and the good times we had when i wasnt in any manic mode. I recently got offered a pretty good job with paid training.., that im taking. I cut off alot of bad association from friends that caused problems early in our relationship. I stop drinking and smoking weed. Im now taking my meds every day. i see my pshycologist every month as well as going to my meetings at the kingdom hall of Jehovahs witness's. I havent had sex in over a month since the break up( just dont feel comfortable right now)...im still in love with her. 4 days into the No contact rule..god its so hard. I still get misty eyed when i think about how good of a person she is. Im working out, and trying to help out with my dad after his by-pass, both my parents are senior citizens...they had me late in life. I know these changes are for me. I just want her to know im not that person anymore, i cant hurt anyone anymore like i heart her. But honestly, if she dosent, im going to single for a while...just not ready to be in love with anyone else righ tnowCheating is the worst thing yo can do to anyone...period. I understand if she dosent want me back, it will be very painfull, but time heals all wounds i guess. But i would wait as long as she wanted for me to regain any kind of trust and her friendship, and if god willing give me another chance to prove im the person who love her with my whole heart. I know people say move on, and through no contact rule, im healing. I just look forward to a chance when she says..lets go out for a bite to eat...oh what a smile that would bring to my heart that she finally forgives me.

Posted

had to snip all the blah blah about the bipolar disorder. sounded too much like you were excusing away what you did.

 

She said she loved me...but not in the romantic way..like she used to. She got upset and said she couldnt be my friend if i kept pushing....so i wrote a letter apoloizing, and decided to go no contact...i cant be friends with some i love

 

 

Then NC is what you need to do.

 

 

....she knows im sorry for what i done, and went to great measure to change my life around for the good. I try not to hold on to false hope...but its hard not being with her...i know i dont deserve another chance, but im trully reformed and remorseful, as well as repentful

 

 

You can be reformed, remorseful, all of that, but it still doesn't change the fact, and you said it yourself, that you don't deserve another chance.

 

You can chalk it up to a lesson learned, but apply that lesson learned with someone else in the future.

 

 

...and we still have feeling for each other.....just need some support...trying to move on..but its soooo hard.

 

Normally I'd rip the hell out of you. But I'll try to restrain myself.

 

I'd say move on. Even if she did want you back, her family hates you. You think you can look them in the eye knowing that, even if they vowed to be civil when you are around, they secretly want you to go away??

 

I wouldn't be able to be around someone elses family if I was to do something like that. And they already are advising her to stay away from you.

  • Author
Posted

everyone makes mistakes...some larger than others, but we all make them. Im not making excuses for what i did, and yes bipolar was a factor...look up the symptons. Some people can forgive and forget...time heals all wounds....and others cant. Im a big boy, i realize that. All im saying if a person is given another chance, and they are trully sorry for what they have done,,,then it sup to the other person...and i would respect her choice either way...there is still love there

Posted
had to snip all the blah blah about the bipolar disorder. sounded too much like you were excusing away what you did.

 

Actually acting out sexually is one of the signs of being bipolar. It's a known medical fact.

 

To the OP- You need to see a dr and get on meds to get stable- and TAKE them. If you're not on meds it's highly likely you could act out again while you're in a cycle.

Posted
everyone makes mistakes

 

Cheating is not a mistake. You did it because you wanted to do it.

 

 

 

...some larger than others, but we all make them. Im not making excuses for what i did, and yes bipolar was a factor

 

 

Well then, I guess she should understand and put up with it I suppose.:confused:

 

 

 

Some people can forgive and forget...time heals all wounds

 

Easily said by the person doing the cheating.

 

 

Im a big boy, i realize that. All im saying if a person is given another chance, and they are trully sorry for what they have done,,,then it sup to the other person...and i would respect her choice either way...there is still love there

 

Even if she forgives you and you do get back together, do you think you can go to her family functions and look her family members in the eye knowing that they know you screwed around on her?

 

I wouldn't want a thing to do with the cheating bf that screwed around on my sister. And thats as a brother. What do you think a father of daddy's little girl would think?

  • Author
Posted

Thank you to all who posted positive support...it really helps me cope with my illnes and mistakes. Thats why came here, not for negative bashes. I cheated..yes...am i sorry..yes...am i still out and doing the same things...hell no. Will i do again..hell no..not to anyone. Do i deserve another chance..not my descion..either way, im a big boy and can accept that and move on. Now to all you infalable beacons of moral justice who cant do wrong and never made a mistake...no disrespect..but. F**k you. I keep forgetting you people can read minds and forsee the future. This has been a life altering experience for me. Never in my life have i gotten my act together whith such focus and convention. Psychologists, psychiarist, counselers, bipolar support groups, medication...everything within my power to correct and change my thinking, and action....and you think i would do this again...cause another person pain like this....and you say people cant change and they will do it again, and thier nothing but crap...dude, F**K you. I can understand if i were like some of other people you read in these post, who cheat over and over and over again, after being caught. These guys who brag about what they have done, then ask for another chance. IF you dont believe in documented medical fact about the nightmare of living with bipolar disorder...Then get your head out of your ass and pick up a medical journal. Im not asking for your pity.... i neither need it nor want it...all i asked for on this post was a little understanding and positive responses from people who realize how hard it is to cope with this situation...i hate to sound angry. But get off your high moral horse and learn a word that i came to terms with ....RESPONISBILTY...yeah i accepted it. Judemental, arrogant and lack of compassion is almost as ugly as deciet, dishonesty and lack of remorse...peace im out

Posted
Thank you to all who posted positive support...it really helps me cope with my illnes and mistakes. Thats why came here, not for negative bashes. I cheated..yes...am i sorry..yes...am i still out and doing the same things...hell no. Will i do again..hell no..not to anyone. Do i deserve another chance..not my descion..either way, im a big boy and can accept that and move on. Now to all you infalable beacons of moral justice who cant do wrong and never made a mistake...no disrespect..but. F**k you. I keep forgetting you people can read minds and forsee the future. This has been a life altering experience for me. Never in my life have i gotten my act together whith such focus and convention. Psychologists, psychiarist, counselers, bipolar support groups, medication...everything within my power to correct and change my thinking, and action....and you think i would do this again...cause another person pain like this....and you say people cant change and they will do it again, and thier nothing but crap...dude, F**K you.

 

And with a mouth like that you expect us to believe you changed why?

Posted

Interesting point. I too would like to know how somebody can look the parents of the daughter that was cheated on if she ever decided to take him back. I wouldn't be able to face them.

  • Author
Posted

i dont expect anything from you

Posted
i dont expect anything from you

 

Come on man, blowing up like that only puts doubts in people's minds as to if you really are who you say you are.

  • Author
Posted

i finally know who i am. and what i wrote was out of line, just carrying alot of guilt still, i apologize for that post...just still trying to forgive myself i guess....its been a hell of emotional ride. I have alot of healing to do for myself. I guess its hard for people to see others emotions..genuine or not. I know thats just a fact of life. Once again my apologize. And thanks for the reality check...stings like hell..but thats a part of moving on

Posted
i finally know who i am. and what i wrote was out of line, just carrying alot of guilt still, i apologize for that post...just still trying to forgive myself i guess....its been a hell of emotional ride. I have alot of healing to do for myself. I guess its hard for people to see others emotions..genuine or not. I know thats just a fact of life. Once again my apologize. And thanks for the reality check...stings like hell..but thats a part of moving on

 

If you think it stings like hell on your end, try being on the other.

 

Seeing it from her angle and taking the advise of NC from the posters here is spot on.

 

But what about that of the parents? What if you 2 do get back together, how are you going to be able to face her parents?

Posted
i finally know who i am. and what i wrote was out of line, just carrying alot of guilt still, i apologize for that post...just still trying to forgive myself i guess....its been a hell of emotional ride. I have alot of healing to do for myself. I guess its hard for people to see others emotions..genuine or not. I know thats just a fact of life. Once again my apologize. And thanks for the reality check...stings like hell..but thats a part of moving on

 

If you'll respond like you did to a bunch of strangers on the internet...it makes me question how you'll respond to someone who is "safe"...someone you know cares for you and loves you and will accept your apology.

 

I've dealt a lot with people that have "rage" issues, and personality disorders.

 

I have to agree...the kind of 'overboard' response you threw up here makes me seriously wonder as to where you're really at in your treatment. You don't appear to have things in hand, honestly.

 

Go back and re-read what was written to you before your response...none of it was all that harsh. In truth, it was pretty mild and some good advice for an internet forum board.

 

Point blank question...where ARE you at with treatment? Taking your meds as you're supposed to? Therapy/counseling? Practicing the coping strategies you were taught?

 

If you're NOT in control...then you surely can't expect her to trust you at this point.

 

Add in the sheer emotional devestation that cheating causes the betrayed spouse...you should be asking yourself why SHOULD she trust you now?

 

What CAN you do to prove you've changed? HOW do you prove you've changed? How do you prove that those changes are long-term, and not just a knee jerk response to losing her?

 

Things to think about, my friend.

Posted

I agree with Owl. Are your meds working? Sometimes it takes a long time to get the right ones- you sound a bit manic in your reply earlier.

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