greengoddess Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Reading reading reading and there is always one common element when the affair breaks off. The ow/om always ends up needing therapy to get over it. Why is that? What makes an affair harder for the ow/om to get over than any other relationship? People break up all the time and they sure don't need therapy over it. Is it because they were messed up to begin with and that's part of why they agreed to be in an affair or is there something about an affair that makes it that much more intense and harder to get over?
blinded Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Maybe. Sometimes the OW goes into the A not even knowing it's an A. Some think it's an actual relationship until the ball is dropped. They too, may have been decieved by the WS.
jwi71 Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 An A is not a "normal" R by any means. It requires a betrayal a trust. A violation of societal and possibly religious norms. If the OW/OM is single...it requires a suspension of the norms in order to pursue the A. A knowing and willful suspension. We know this in their complicity to keep the A secret - if they truly believe their actions are acceptable, the OM/OW would see no need to keep the R a secret. And wouldn't. Yet they do. I personally the excuses for such are flimsy at best. A normal R carries no such additional burden or suspension. All R have their trust and insecurities but an A is built specifically on a violation of trust. By both parties. It requires by its nature lies and deceit to survive. And can anything founded upon lies and deceit be good much less survive? How can that be good for the MM/MW, the OM/OW and the families involved? Just look at the agony of the posters in the OM/OW forum. Real, deep and substantial pain and - oddly enough- betrayal. What does that to one's self worth to have the MM continually leave to return to the family? One might suspect personality disorders to enter an A (self worth notably) and how must it be further diminished to continually "lose" to the W and kids? It requires almost superhuman suspension of reality. An almost pathological suspension of reality to continue in the A. My initial ramblings anyway.
2sure Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Maybe its because they are alone. The nature of the A probably prevents most of them in confiding in friends or family. Also, the majority of A's with a married person , usually end with the married person staying with their marriage. Not to mention, when caught a married partner almost always throws the OW/OM under the bus. Regardless of the circumstaces, Karma, what ever : It hurts. Add to that the fact that they put themselves into a no win situation.... And then, after the A glow wears off and they can take a step back more objectively and realize What Have I Done?? That could be very disturbing.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 I believe that the OW you are writing about, the ones that need therapy to get through the breakup, are not women who set out to steal a MM. They felt the attraction, were probably wooed heavily, (this is why no single man fits the bill, they have no reason to come on so strongly as in a normal relationship). They hear the stories, develope a STRONG emotional attachment, then are in a position to beleive and justify the words of MM even when the facts don't add up. In my opinion, this causes some sacrifice of self. They may have some guilt about what they are doing, they also feel that they are allowing themselves to be second best when IRL they are independant and strong. Lines become blurry, what they want so much to believe is brought down by thoughts and feelings that creep up questioning the legitamacy of their situation. They have strong feelings of love and a R that they believe in, one that makes the feel like a million bucks, but it is dependant on the actions of someone else. It is the internal conflict, I believe, between what they have felt, what they have sacrificed vs. the betrayal that the words are not backed up by actions and the reality they based it on, isn't exactly the REAL reality. I think the biggest blow is probably knowing that THEY allowed this situation that ended up being detrimental to them in so many ways because they believed so very much in someone who didn't end up being exactly who they betrayed themselves to be. Its, a double betrayal of sorts in my opinion. Just my thoughts from reading here, never been in that situation exactly but aside from knowing and choosing the situation ahead of time I don't think its that different from the BS in terms of coming to grips with finding out that what you beieved was real was only a part of someone elses selfish decisions and actions.
Trialbyfire Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 I'm big on therapy for all sides of the triangle. As an ex-BW, it helped me a lot, so I strongly encourage everyone to find a stellar therapist! I used to believe that OW/OM were people who had extremely low self-image and self-respect. The converse holds true for some. It starts just like any other relationship with attraction, then gets into an unhealthy competition. While many may desperately want to believe the MM/MW is a prize, in that in so many ways they can't admit they're not, then to lose to someone who the MM/MW has denigrated for so long, must be a real shock to the system. At this point, for most, if they're honest to themselves and others, they realize that they've been used and disposed of. If you consider putting your entire emotional welfare, pride and ego, into someone who betrays that trust, it's tough to swallow. Add in what they had to do to maintain this relationship, whether disregarding personal morals and foundations, or eating their pride continuously, while the MM/MW went home, being alone on special occasions, holidays and weekends, and you have the recipe for emotional disaster.
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 While many may desperately want to believe the MM/MW is a prize, in that in so many ways they can't admit they're not, This is one thing that makes me wonder... IF someone is dating or going out with a single guy, and as time goes on single guy's flaws come out - drug habit, drinking too much, not returning calls, being a jerk, selfish, self absorbed, etc.. - GETS DUMPED. BUT, someone who gets involved with a MM or MW seem to overlook those faults. I've read afew threads recently about how the MM is an alcoholic, does drugs, isn't a nice person in general, moody, yet the OW won't walk away. It's like him being married IS the only flaw. I don't understand that..
angie2443 Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 I think some people are addicted and/or love the drama and put themselves in situations over and over that bring pain and termoil to their lives. These people are more likely to need therapy IMO. A person who wants to live a healthy and sane life does not get involved with married people, ex convicts, people with severe mental illnesses and so on. I'm not saying that any of these people (the mentally ill, married people, etc.) are bad or don't deserve love. However, getting involved with anyone in these situations is bound to bring chaos to the other person's like. Only a person with problems in the first place would get involved.
Lookingforward Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Reading reading reading and there is always one common element when the affair breaks off. The ow/om always ends up needing therapy to get over it. Why is that? What makes an affair harder for the ow/om to get over than any other relationship? People break up all the time and they sure don't need therapy over it. Is it because they were messed up to begin with and that's part of why they agreed to be in an affair or is there something about an affair that makes it that much more intense and harder to get over? From what I've read here, no, they don't always need therapy, that's a little over the top generalisation there I think. Perhaps sometimes the end of an A hits them harder as it's breaking up while still "in love" for other reasons than falling out of love with each other.
signedin2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 In a normal relationship, when the couple breaks up, both parties usually end up single. With an affair, when the affair partners break up, the MM/MW usually go back to their spouses leaving the OM/OW alone and dumped and wonding what the happy couples are doing to rekindle their marriage/relationship.
torranceshipman Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Maybe its because many of these MM are narcassists and the lying and manipulation really causes so much damage...remember the story about the poor OW whose MM made up a story about being a mountain climber then led her to believe that he'd died?!? I'd guess that type of lying and narcassistic behaviour is generally not present so much is regular R's where both start off single.
Lookingforward Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 In a normal relationship, when the couple breaks up, both parties usually end up single. With an affair, when the affair partners break up, the MM/MW usually go back to their spouses leaving the OM/OW alone and dumped and wonding what the happy couples are doing to rekindle their marriage/relationship. signed, you probably have a good point there as well - one is left alone while the other 'resumes' their life as if nothing ever happened (at least to the OW/OM that's been left it looks that way). I'm sure the "happy couple" aren't so happy, an A has to have some impact on a M.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 This is one thing that makes me wonder... IF someone is dating or going out with a single guy, and as time goes on single guy's flaws come out - drug habit, drinking too much, not returning calls, being a jerk, selfish, self absorbed, etc.. - GETS DUMPED. BUT, someone who gets involved with a MM or MW seem to overlook those faults. I've read afew threads recently about how the MM is an alcoholic, does drugs, isn't a nice person in general, moody, yet the OW won't walk away. It's like him being married IS the only flaw. I don't understand that.. On top of the flaws, add the fact (as TBF pointed out) that you get dumped on any big holiday or family occasion and don't get to play any part in many important aspects of the WS's life. I may get flamed, but I think you have to have huge self-esteem issues to be an OM or OW. Otherwise, how could you feel that this deceitful shadow life is what you deserve ??? Mr. Lucky
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