celestialforests Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 This might be a little too long, drawn-out, and detailed for some... but here goes anyway! I was semi-engaged (we made plans, but weren't going to tell anyone until we found the perfect ring. So it was a pre-engagement of sorts, though it was very much an engagement between the both of us.) and I have really deep thoughts about what commitment is. In sickness and in health, for better or worse... I believe in the whole shebang. You make a commitment, you stick it out. A couple months afer our "secret" engagement, I hit rock bottom. We both suffer from bouts of depression, but I was extremely bad at this point, through no fault of his own (though, being the only person close to me, he had to deal with far too much from me). Whenever something negative happens, he's the kind of person who threatens to leave. And does. But he always comes back. Well, I was sexually assaulted about 12 years ago, and he was the very first person in all that time that I opened up to and told about it. Bringing up all those horrible thoughts and feelings just tore me apart and shut me down completely. Like I said, I hit rock bottom. I am very independent and am a caretaker myself, so I hate the idea of anyone having to take care of me, so I told him he should leave. He did, a few days before my birthday (and sadly, a few days before my 1 year old puppy passed away from kidney failure. Talk about needing him when he wasn't there!). I was suicidal and cutting and was shut-down emotionally and physically, which isn't easy for anyone to deal with. We got back together after discussing the root of the problems a few weeks later, and it seemed incredibly promising. On our anniversary, he was not home when I came home even though he was supposed to be. I tried contacting him on his phone, to no avail, and started thinking the worst. Something happened to him, he was in trouble, maybe he was with someone else (irrational thoughts, mind you), so I was freaking out. I had just come home from my intensive out-patient therapy program and had a rough time and needed him, and we had plans for right after I came home so I was hurt and confused. Then I tried contacting him on his work phone, and he responded. This infuriated me because work is a huge issue between us- we worked together and the environment we work in is EXTREMELY immature and full of overly-hormonal teens and adults, and we decided we needed to leave if we wanted to make this work. (Plus the hours are insane- he works about 10-12+ hours 5-6 days a week, at LEAST, and brings work home as well, AND has classes for work on top of all that. And the hours we work- insane. Sometimes we're in at 5am, sometimes we're not off until 2am. Every day is different. It's unhealthy.) So, I decided to leave and was taking the steps to jet. Then he started to go through another honeymoon stage with his new department and threw himself entirely in his work. He was constantly on his work phone at home, and the fact that he had his work phone with him and not his regular phone just upset me. When he came home, he played the victim instead of apologizing for making me worry. After dealing with all I dealt with in therapy that morning, I shut down again. I told him I needed time alone and he started getting frustrated at me. He kept telling me not to be upset, which MADE me upset *LoL* and he grabbed my wrists... which gave me flashbacks to the rape, and I got angry. I shouldn't have taken it out on him, but I did. So I needed to leave before I did something horrible. As I was walking out the door, he said he wouldn't be there when I got back. Threats that have been made plenty of times before! I came back after a few minutes, because I really regretted my actions and wanted to apologize and talk things through. Well, he was gone. He took all of his stuff out of our apartment and left. Never came back. This was a few weeks ago. We've since been messaging and talking to each other every day, pretty much, but he said he cannot be in a relationship right now. I don't know how to take that, because he says he still sees us growing old together, but everything we're doing now is pretty much relationship status without the label and the sense of security. I don't want to start feeling used, but I don't want to give up on him. I know he's confused, but I don't know how to help him make a decision. I want to be able to say I'll wait for him forever, but that's only if he's the man I think he is. Maybe I'm wrong, and he's the man who would actually MAKE me wait forever. Just keeping me on the sidelines, stringing me along, making me feel more and more insecure because he's still not sure. I asked him to consider couples therapy, as we were considering doing that before. He said he's not sure about that either anymore. I don't know what to do. He's pulling me in both directions. We were planning on getting married and starting our family within the next year (he's 8 years older than myself- 31, as a random bit of info) and it just confuses me entirely as to how he can just... leave. I turned here tonight because of the following situation: We message each other constantly, and we always have even in rough times. Today was his "day off" and yet he spent 9 hours at work at a couple of classes and then chose to "catch up on office work" for a few hours. Then he says he's going to have dinner with his co-workers (one whom is a very attractive female he spends a lot of time working closely together with and he always made fun of me for being jealous of, and a few others who are already trying to hook him up with other co-workers, which is extremely disrespectful to our relationship.). So, that's all fine and good, but then he says he needs to take a break from messaging me because his fingers hurt. Um. ??? Anyway. Verbatim, I said "Okay. Enjoy." and he said "Jesus, just forget it. Good night." so I was confused as to why he would respond that way. He said it was because I gave him a short reply, but I gave him a short reply so he could stop messaging me and enjoy his dinner! Point being, it seems like he's been turning a lot of things that I say around into being something negative lately, when it's just... neutral conversation. I don't know where to go from here. If I give him an ultimatum, he's going to leave me completely because he's just not ready. I don't know how long he wants me to wait for him. I asked him to get help to try and sort this out, but he keeps putting it off... because he's working too much, he says. I lost our apartment after he left because I couldn't afford it on my own, so I moved back in with my parental units. I just found out that they're moving to Utah at the beginning on January. On one hand, he hints that he wants to try and find a job there, and on the other hand he keeps preparing to say goodbye to me in January. CONFUSED. Any help or comments, positive or negative or just... comments!... would be appreciated. I feel quite alone at the moment.
Geishawhelk Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Make a decision: Go no contact, stay no contact and get individual counselling for yourself. You're still carrying around baggage that you don't need to carry around. I'm not going to go into my personal history on board, but I have a past full of crap, but I'm darned if it holds me back, or affects me, because I personally decided I wasn'rt going to let it, and neither was I going to use it as a crutch...."Oh, well, you see, I'm the way I am because when I was younger....." It's rubbish. I'm the way I am because I choose to be the way I am and rather than let my past drag me under, I decided to kick it to the kerb once and for all. I decide how I feel, I don't let my past decide it for me. Simple. (I didn't say 'easy', I said 'simple'.) Stop texting, e-mailing, 'phoning, writing, MSNing or anything. Go complete no contact, move on, and move up. I did it. So can you.
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