sunshineanderson Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 A co-worker and I have been flirting for the past several weeks, and it's been heating up a little the past few days. I tried to find out if he had a wife without asking anyone at work, and I found a listing of someone at his address who used a hyphenated name (another last name + hyphen + his last name). I thought he might have a wife (even though he doesn't wear a ring), so I asked him and he told me he has a live-in gf and they have a 2 yr old daughter. Before you all start calling me a homewrecker, as a divorced mother I have no intentions of breaking up his home, and as someone who has had a fling with a coworker, I understand the ramifications of such a "relationship". However, I will add that at my particular job workplace romances are not uncommon, and there are two such couples in particular (one couple met and got married, and the wife went on to a new job), the second couple are engaged now and both work there. Fortunately, we don't work on the same team, one of us is not superior to the other and we don't have to see each other every day if we don't want to. But the attraction is undeniable. I guess I should be asking him, b/c I'm not sure where his head is, but I wondering if I should abandon all ideas about pursuing something with him, or is the fact that he is not married enough incentive for me not to give up? She may want his name, but he clearly does not want marriage at this point, and maybe there's a good reason for that. And before you all say, if he cheats on her he'll cheat on me, that is not an issue for me, because I know how men are, I accept that, and if I ever get married again, it will probably be an "open" marriage.
Siciliana Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Forget about you, him, her and your hormones and remember there is a little person that you are messing with. Let the 2 year old have a family. Regardless of the lacking marriage certificate, they are common law and have committed to the raising of a child. There are plenty of other men you can **** for fun.
norajane Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 he told me he has a live-in gf and they have a 2 yr old daughter. Before you all start calling me a homewrecker, as a divorced mother I have no intentions of breaking up his home, and as someone who has had a fling with a coworker, I understand the ramifications of such a "relationship". However, There is no a "however" that makes any kind of sense in this situation. He may not having a marriage license, but he's living with the mother of his child. Just because they haven't married doesn't mean he's open game. All you have now is a mild flirtation. Easy enough to walk away. And you really should walk away.
Siciliana Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Norajane, it wasn't until you quoted that, that I realized she has entirely contradicted herself from one paragraph to the next... OP, if you don't plan on being a home wrecker, why are you even contemplating this?
Art_Critic Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Let's see.. his live in GF uses his last name in the listings... Hmmmmm... Duh !!!... He is married and he lied to you about his status ... If she was really a GF and your state acknowledges a common law marriage then they fit the legal definition.. A child together and holding yourself out in public as married or husband and wife... No matter how you cut it he is with someone else.. Why not contact her and ask her ?
Lizzie60 Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Married.. or common-law.. it's the same.. only the paper is missing and of course, the 'vows'.. but other than that .. it's the same thing.. they are committed to each other.. if you have no problems with thiis..then go ahead.. but if you think you might fall in love with him..then it's something you need to think about..
sunshineanderson Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 I find it ironic that the man who is committed gets no blame here and I'm the awful person who wants to sleep with him. No, I didn't contradict myself because I am NOT a homewrecker. I don't want to take him away from his girlfriend/daughter. And those online listings are notoriously wrong, they had me living with people I had never heard of. But anyway, if I post a question here I've got to expect negative responses. No, this is not my ideal situation, but those who think that me not sleeping with this guy is gonna make him faithful because he has a child are sadly mistaken.
sunshineanderson Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 And it's not a "mild flirtation" at this point. It's full blown. Unless you've walked in my shoes, don't judge me. Hell, I've been a single mother for probably more years than most of you have had kids, and my husband had a child with a woman while I was pregnant with my second child, so no, I'm not in favor of breaking up homes. I cannot break up his home, only he can decide to do that. I'm not trying to ask her, but hell, I certainly can although I shouldn't have to, he should be the one.
Siciliana Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 I find it ironic that the man who is committed gets no blame here and I'm the awful person who wants to sleep with him. Ummm, maybe it's because YOU are the one posting here...not HIM? I mean, really, you are the one that asked the question. For all we know, you could be blowing it all out of proportion, taking something that he sees as an ego booster that he has absolutely no intentions of following through with or destroying his family over, and making it into something more than it is... And, for someone who has been there and done that, why would you ever want to put another woman or child through it? Is this what you want to teach your kids?
Siciliana Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 And it's not a "mild flirtation" at this point. It's full blown. Unless you've walked in my shoes, don't judge me. Hell, I've been a single mother for probably more years than most of you have had kids, and my husband had a child with a woman while I was pregnant with my second child, so no, I'm not in favor of breaking up homes. I cannot break up his home, only he can decide to do that. I'm not trying to ask her, but hell, I certainly can although I shouldn't have to, he should be the one. Again, what you call full blown flirtation, could be the story he tells his buddies on football night for a good ego boost. "Ohh man, this broad wants me so bad" And, until any actions are taken or made on his part that indicate he wants to take it to a physical level, I am pretty sure that's all it is. Just because you are older than me doesn't make what you do right. And, whose to say I have no walked in your shoes? You BOTH will decide in the actions that take place between the BOTH of you. So, you CAN be part of his family's demise. If he decideds to have sex with a different woman than it is HER and HIS fault. You are trying to justify having relations with a man who has a young child and woman at home. Do what it is you would would tell your kids they should do in a situation like this. Do what it is that you would want to happen to your daughter in this situation. Let your kids be your moral compass.
O'Malley Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 One incentive not to continue the emotional affair: more than likely your co-workers are aware, or soon will be, about what's going on. Everyone who has an office flirtation or affair thinks it's secret, but co-workers usually catch on pretty quick and then it's the prime subject around the watercooler. If you can't handle people's opinions on an internet forum where you solicited for advice, how are you going to deal daily with your co-workers judgments about you (and your professionalism) for hooking up with this guy?
sunshineanderson Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 I can handle the responses on here, I just think the justifications are illogical. And as far as my situation before, I didn't break up any family, I was just referring to an office "relationship" so I know all about what people can or can't say and obviously I don't care if I'm considering this. Also, tonight he made it clear that he wants something more than flirtation, so that theory goes out the water. Unlike the people on the board here, my coworkers don't stand around a water cooler worrying about other people's lives. In fact, one of the engaged co-workers mentioned her engagement to someone right in front of me and the person she told just nodded and kept on with his other conversation. I mentioned the engagement just as a matter of fact response to someone else and their response was brief and we moved on to another subject. So, I think my workplace is not the issue at all. U all know nothing about my morals and the battles I fight every day, other than one situation where I became attracted to someone in a relationship. These will be the same people who feel that because they're doing everything right in their relationship, their man won't cheat. I'm a realist, not a homewrecker, and I don't need this board to confirm or justify that. You're right, I asked the question and I got my answers. Some of them were on the right track and some were just whack. I'm out.
norajane Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 I hope you're not planning on pinning all your hopes on him leaving his family. It often takes a very long time, if it happens at all. More often than not, it doesn't happen, but you still end up waiting waiting wanting and waiting for him to make a decision. It's a hard place to put yourself, so don't go into it expecting you will have an easy time of it being the OW.
Lucky_One Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 You already know this guy is willing to cheat and that he will lie. So why do you believe him when he says that they are not married? Do you honestly believe that he would lie to the rest of the world but hold honesty with you sacred?
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 If infidelity is meaningless to you, why bother to find out if he's married or not? If all you're looking for is an FWB, his personal situation shouldn't matter to you. Now that you know he's either married or living with someone, which in some jurisdictions means he's in a common-law relationship reliant on length of cohabitation, make sure his SO knows about your affair. It appears to me to be the most open and honest way to handle things. This way you can ensure that everything is above board, a wide-open relationship!
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83984/ Oh, predatory behaviour. I get it now!
sunshineanderson Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Yes, that previoius post was the previous "relationship" I referred to, and if you followed the whole chain of posts you will see that he wanted more from me, which was fine at the time, but did not last. I'm not the predator if someone approaches me, so you need to get that straight. Also, to the previous poster, obviously people aren't honest, and I never said I believed he wasn't married, just that there was only one site that listed the woman with the hyphenated name, and that I noticed an error with myself. Regardless, he didn't want to present himself married to me, and as far as I'm concerned that's him disrespecting his marriage if indeed he is (although I don't think so because again, he doesn't wear a ring), and culturally, in my circles, there is a big difference between living together (whether you have a child/children or not) and being married. Also, I never said I wanted or expected him to leave his significant other, and it definitely isn't my place to ask permission from her, that's his job, although I wouldn't have a problem with it if I wanted to. He would though, I'm sure, so again, that's his problem and his job to ask. Hell, let's say for argument's sake he did ask, that still wouldn't sit right with you all anyway. You all make me out to be this predatory monster, and it's so far from the truth. I've probably have sex less in the past 10 years than you all have had in a year, and I've been so dedicated to school, work, raising my children, community involvement, and keeping my home that I don't have time or energy to go out seeking any man. As you can read, the two situations that I've gotten into that I've gotten all this flack for have involved coworkers who have approached me (or we've been attracted to each other, I'll say), but I in no way provoked them. I don't judge people who sit on the computer and post thousands of responses to strangers, yet I'm this slutty, homewrecker who doesn't have a clue about anything.
carhill Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 You know, I loved someone once (and still do, as a friend) who couldn't help but be hit on by every male extant. Guys would stop what they were doing when she'd walk into the room. They would line up when they knew she was coming with a parts delivery. She said (and still says) she hated (and hates) it. But does she, really? Bosses came on to her, married or not. Co-workers, whatever. You know what the common denominator was? Her. I won't go into personal details, but lets just say there were struggles involved, and she was married during the majority of the time. So, when you and co-workers flirt and play with each other, what's the commonality? It's you. You decide what signals you send to other people. A healthy person is aware of such signals. Some, who, like my friend, having difficult backgrounds, may be unaware of what they are actually doing, or just do it anyway to feel better in the moment. Ultimately, though, it's up to each of us to make decisions which are healthy for us. What do you want to do? I don't think you're a "slutty homewrecker"; I think you really want to have a healthy relationship with a man who is free to and wants to be with you. If that's true, what's going on here?
sunshineanderson Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Ideally, yes, I would like that type of relationship, with a man that's free, but that's not realistic for me right now. I am not bringing a man into my children's lives. Not that they would meet him right away, but there's just no way, they come first. My ex-husband gets to parade girlfriend after girlfriend in front of them (and he's one with live-in girlfriends that don't signal committment but rather financial convenience), but anyway, I don't have that luxury, I need to be the stable parent. Besides that, there is a serious man shortage where I live, plus, I don't go out, other than work and the committments that I have in the community and with my children, so I have no opportunity to meet single men. I accept my part of the flirting, because I know there may have been some men I have innocently smiled at or talked to and I see their reaction and I back off so that I don't give them the idea that I'm interested. But in this case, since I have so much in common with the person, and we are able to talk about things with such ease, plus I find him extremely attractive, things progressed much faster than I anticipated. I don't even know if I can say those things about the previous "relationship", what's going on in this situation now is a little more intense.
carhill Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 But in this case, since I have so much in common with the person, and we are able to talk about things with such ease, plus I find him extremely attractive, things progressed much faster than I anticipated. And, prior.... And before you all say, if he cheats on her he'll cheat on me, that is not an issue for me, because I know how men are, I accept that, and if I ever get married again, it will probably be an "open" marriage. Question: Is it culturally acceptable (as well as personally acceptable) for you to have relations with man who is otherwise committed? Cultures, as well as people, are all different. Would you be OK with being his mistress? Would he? I pass no judgement; I merely am asking the questions. You have to live your life in a way which is healthy for you. I did find the last quoted statement, from your OP, to be quite revealing. I am somewhat sorry to hear that you feel all men are a certain way. We're all different, just like women are. Finding someone who is compatible is the challenge. Again it goes to what do you want
orangesean Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 It's funny how the usually OW/OM come asking advice from the regulars here and if they don't hear, "Go for it, who cares if they have a SO/husband/wife," then they get really mad and start insulting all the board members for being negative computer nerds who have no real lives and sit on computers all day. I'm of course with the unanimous opinions of everyone else who has posted in this thread and NO, it's obviously not culturally acceptable if that's what you're concerned about. Otherwise you wouldn't have had to come up with all of your "justifications" in the first place. People only justify when something they're doing is not right, so you keep answering your own questions but in the end, we all know you are just looking for some reason to make it less "wrong" to sleep with this guy. Of course the guy is way more out of hand than you, with a kid and all, but like someone said, this is you asking for advice, you got it, now ignore it as you will or maybe you can consider that all these "computer nerds" are real people who have had a variety of real relationships with real experience.
Geishawhelk Posted October 21, 2008 Posted October 21, 2008 Ideally, yes, I would like that type of relationship, with a man that's free, but that's not realistic for me right now. In that case, neither is screwing a married man. I am not bringing a man into my children's lives. But you're possibly quite happy to become an adulteress in their eyes, and daddy's mistress for his kids.....What the heck are you trying to instil in these children? "Look, this is how bored and frustrated adult behave!" ....but anyway, I don't have that luxury, I need to be the stable parent. You call this 'stability'....??! Besides that, there is a serious man shortage where I live, Where's this, centrl Alaska....? Oh please, do me a favour! What gives you the right to steal someone else's then? plus, I don't go out, other than work and the committments that I have in the community and with my children, so I have no opportunity to meet single men. Try dating forums, the superkmarket, the local sports centres, the local pool, anywhere but at work with a married man!! Opportunity - or wish? I accept my part of the flirting, because I know there may have been some men I have innocently smiled at or talked to and I see their reaction and I back off so that I don't give them the idea that I'm interested. But in this case, since I have so much in common with the person, and we are able to talk about things with such ease, plus I find him extremely attractive, things progressed much faster than I anticipated. Oh good, sorry, I misunderstood, That's ok then. I thought he might have been some ugly, brainless moron who couldn't string two words together.... I don't even know if I can say those things about the previous "relationship", what's going on in this situation now is a little more intense. How wonderful for you. And his wife. And his children. Perfect excuse. "I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself, it was so intense...."
sunshineanderson Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 In that case, neither is screwing a married man. Yeah, ok. But you're possibly quite happy to become an adulteress in their eyes, and daddy's mistress for his kids.....What the heck are you trying to instil in these children? "Look, this is how bored and frustrated adult behave!" Where do and how do YOU live? Neither my kids nor his daughter will have or do have any clue about what either one of us is doing. Yeah, I have my kids with me a lot of the time, but I have enough sense to keep him away from them, duh. You call this 'stability'....??! I am extremely stable. I provide a home for my children, take care of their needs to the point where mine have been neglected. This situation (and yes, we have crossed the threshold), has done nothing to de-stabilize me as a parent, lol. Where's this, centrl Alaska....? Oh please, do me a favour! What gives you the right to steal someone else's then? I'm not stealing anyone's man. He doesn't belong to me, he belongs to her. We are in constant contact with each other, seeing each other during the day and texting each other an average of 20 times a day since last week, but I'm not taking him away from her at all. Try dating forums, the superkmarket, the local sports centres, the local pool, anywhere but at work with a married man!! Opportunity - or wish? Uh, opportunity. I take my kids to the supermarket, etc, etc, and I don't hit on men. So on the rare chance that I may attend one of those places without my kids, I just hope and pray someone approaches me or I approach someone just to say I have a man? Sounds good in theory, but not realistic for me. Oh good, sorry, I misunderstood, That's ok then. I thought he might have been some ugly, brainless moron who couldn't string two words together.... Well, actually, in a prior relationship he was not that physically attractive to me (in the face) initially, so that could have been the case here.
bhweller Posted October 23, 2008 Posted October 23, 2008 I can't think of a single culture where cheating on your wife is acceptable. In some cultures very wealthy men will commonly have a mistress, but its still not actually accepted. You can have a dating life if you want, you are already using the internet. If you have any looks at all you can just put up a picture.
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