TigerCub Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Hey Hey! So I met this guy, who is showing a great deal of interest in me. He tells me that he was married for 3 years and has now been separated for 1. Oh and he has a daughter that's almost 3 years old (me thinks it was a shotgun wedding). Anyways, I ask him why he's not just divorced if he's been separated from his wife for about a year and he tells me something to the effect of - "well, I don't really know, I guess its more of a lazy issue since divorce is a hassle" WTF?! This guy just seems shady...what do y'all think? Anyone here been separated and not divorced just because its a lot of effort? I mean if it was me, I'd want to be divorced so I can be free to move on with my life. I really think that something else is going on...
zxcirce Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Hey Hey! So I met this guy, who is showing a great deal of interest in me. He tells me that he was married for 3 years and has now been separated for 1. Oh and he has a daughter that's almost 3 years old (me thinks it was a shotgun wedding). Anyways, I ask him why he's not just divorced if he's been separated from his wife for about a year and he tells me something to the effect of - "well, I don't really know, I guess its more of a lazy issue since divorce is a hassle" WTF?! This guy just seems shady...what do y'all think? Anyone here been separated and not divorced just because its a lot of effort? I mean if it was me, I'd want to be divorced so I can be free to move on with my life. I really think that something else is going on... I separated from my husband in January of this year and we're not divorced yet. Neither of us has gotten around to it. It doesn't seem that important to either of us, honestly, and yes, I'm very very lazy.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 When I separated and started seeing someone who's divorce was final after 3 years, I thought wow that's a long time to wait. He mentioned mostly was a hassle, going to sign stuff, the back and forth.... and here I am going on 4 years of being separated and no divorce. Why? Well we decided not to go through lawyers, and so I used an online service, printed off all the completed papers, but now I haven't gotten organized enough to go down to the court offices and pay the $120 cash, file 3 copies of form A, 5 copies of form B, financial statements, tax returns, 2 copies of form E... do you get the picture? It was only $250 for the online stuff. I know I have to get it over with, but there is no rush unless either of us plans to get married again. The assets are all split, the kids are 50/50 and our incomes are pretty much the same, so no issues there. Besides everyone already thinks we divorced, and it's amicable anyway, so whatever, I'm lazy, but I have moved on.
Lady Bird Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 This is a definite deal breaker in my opinion and from my experiences a couple of red flags. I'd say thank you but no thank you and not even offer a call me when you are divorced.
sunshinegirl Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 My ex-boyfriend told me the same thing. Then, two weeks after his divorce was finalized (and after we had been together for over a year), he cheated on me and dumped me for someone at work. Honestly? I would tell him to come back when it's finalized - and been finalized for some time. You just don't know what "drama" or unresolved emotional business there may be under the surface. As my dad has said, it's a poor risk-reward ratio.
Trialbyfire Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 I'd be real careful with separated people. Not only are they usually not in the right emotional state for anything lasting but also, they still have the option of trying again. Even after divorce, this is possible but less likely. Not too many people go through the entire hassle of a divorce, on whim. This doesn't mean that they're emotionally ready right after divorce. I say this because of what I've seen on LS and have experienced myself, going through a less than amicable separation and divorce. It makes you go wonky!
Walk Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Having gone through a divorce, I do know it's a lot of hassel (even if uncontested). However, I wouldn't have a high opinion of someone who was content to surf along seperated, while contemplating starting a serious relationship with someone else. It just smacks of no follow through. Of starting things and letting them hang there because it's "too much work" to push it through to completion. Especially when you're talking about involving another humans heart into the mix. Just seems to say that the person coasts along, then grabs at whatever new thing he wants without contemplating how it might affect another person.
Bells Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Hey Hey! So I met this guy, who is showing a great deal of interest in me. He tells me that he was married for 3 years and has now been separated for 1. Oh and he has a daughter that's almost 3 years old (me thinks it was a shotgun wedding). Anyways, I ask him why he's not just divorced if he's been separated from his wife for about a year and he tells me something to the effect of - "well, I don't really know, I guess its more of a lazy issue since divorce is a hassle" WTF?! This guy just seems shady...what do y'all think? Anyone here been separated and not divorced just because its a lot of effort? I mean if it was me, I'd want to be divorced so I can be free to move on with my life. I really think that something else is going on... Yeah, I don't get it either....my friend said it cost him only a couple hundred bucks. But, I think it's pretty lame that someone stays separated indefinately.....If I find out if they're separated....I try to find out as soon as possible the status of the divorce....if I get the "Well, we just haven't gotten around to it." I say "Bye bye!". Just irritates the crap out of me that they treat it lightly. I think these are the same kind of people that get those engagements that never have a wedding date planned.
flc Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Divorce can be a hassle but if both parties agree to work together it is not. Once we decided on a divorce it was done in 60 days and she was on an airplane out of the State on day 61.
Ronni_W Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 This guy just seems shady... Probably your best clue is that he seems "shady" to you. So maybe it'd give you better insight if you focus on what ELSE is making you feel that he is "shady"? His "relationship readiness" (or 'unreadiness') will be clearer in HOW he talks about his marriage/ex, WHAT attitudes he expresses about relationships in general, WHY his marriage ended, etc. Cos. There are many sane, functional, separated people; and many insane, dysfunctional, divorced people. So, to use just the 'decree absolute' to try to get any accurate 'read' on someone's character or motives can be terribly misleading. In my experience, sometimes the separation is viewed as the "big reward" cos that is what brought the emotional relief and freedom from the crappy situation. For such individuals, there is no missing "closure" and the divorce papers don't bring any added benefit at all -- as far as the really important stuff (feelings, needs, goals, desires, etc.) is concerned, they are ALREADY divorced; have already done the grieving; don't need anything more about any of it, to "move forward". That is, for them "divorce" is an emotional act of leaving behind the former spouse, not some 'legal status' thing that needs papers to let them know they've achieved it. (Sort of same as living together -- if the relationship is all that it ought to be, the marriage license becomes icing on the cake and is sought when it feels like it will actually enhance something.)
Kim666 Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 I haven't done it for the simple fact that I refuse to pay for the whole thing. We had an stipulation in our separation agreement that we would both pay for half. Each time I mention it he has no money, so not going to ask anymore...when he asks I am going to tell him I have no money and he will have to wait. I paid for his first divorce when we got together and I paid for my first divorce way before I met him. Tired of paying for it all. As long as you can move on who cares unless you are planning on marrying again in the near future.
Author TigerCub Posted October 17, 2008 Author Posted October 17, 2008 Thanks for all the input. Yeah I wasn't feeling it when I heard that he has a kid (I know that sounds mean to some, but I don't want to date a guy that has a kid), and then the whole separation thing, I mean he even said that in the beginning he was hoping of reconciling with his wife for the child's sake mostly, and I do understand that, but to me it seems that maybe that is the real reason that he hasn't gone on to get a divorce, because he is hoping there is still a chance. I don't think I want to be involved with someone that isn't single. He has too much baggage and maybe it is laziness as he says, but maybe it isn't so I'm deciding to just be honest and not let him make anymore advances. Thanks again
Author TigerCub Posted October 17, 2008 Author Posted October 17, 2008 Divorce can be a hassle but if both parties agree to work together it is not. Once we decided on a divorce it was done in 60 days and she was on an airplane out of the State on day 61. See...that's the way I think divorce should be - like taking off a band-aid...Right off!! (but then again, I've never been married), but I really just don't think I'd want to prolong the divorce process if it came down to that.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted November 9, 2008 Posted November 9, 2008 For us, we decided not to use lawyers because online D's cost less than 500. I filled out and printed off the forms they sent back, and OMG the instructions are complicated, and I have to find someone to officially serve him, then wait a specific number of days, go back to the court, etc etc. I think I will take those same papers and get a lawyer. It will cost extra but will be good to get it over with.
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