bubblegum Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 We broke up over 2 months ago and I've gone NC for a few weeks every once in a while, then finally break it by answering one of his calls or messages. He'd been out of the country for a trip for a couple weeks and called when he got back. I wasn't quite ready to talk to him, so I didn't get back to him for a couple days. We talked, but I still wasn't ready to see him, but he came over one night without telling me. So we hung out, I was reserved a little bit, but the conversation was calm and comfortable and we laughed and all that. I asked him why he came over, he said he missed me, missed talking and laughing together, and lying next to me. I said we're broken up. We didn't talk any more about the relationship, just chatted about some big things in his life but I was still reserved so I didn't give too much feedback. He left. Then he came back and kissed me when I opened the door. I kissed back, but then stopped and said it's not right, etc. We hugged a lot and he left again. The next day he texted a few times about getting together and watching one of our favorite shows, but I was busy and didn't check my phone until the night. He also mentioned he'd done something I'd been asking him to do for a long time, but he'd always "forgotten." So I texted back in the morning and we talked about that for a little bit. And that's been it. What do you make of this? I'd like him to ask me out. I'd like to see him and spend time with him and see how it feels. How do I handle this situation?
SushiX Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 You kissed him and then told him it's not right, we've broken up. Now you want him to ask you out? What!? Sounds like you still like him alot. Call him and let him know. Stop confusing him.
Author bubblegum Posted October 17, 2008 Author Posted October 17, 2008 Thanks SushiX. I do have tons of feelings for him, we were together for a couple of years. I'm not sure I'm confusing him, he didn't ask anything and when I asked why he came over he just said he missed me, not he missed me and wants to get together, etc. In the past I've almost always been the one to break the ice first when we had a problem, and it's important to me he take some initiative if that makes sense?
Author bubblegum Posted October 17, 2008 Author Posted October 17, 2008 Sorry to be a bother, but does anyone else have any advice, questions, feedback, anything?
Mylife Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Sorry to be a bother, but does anyone else have any advice, questions, feedback, anything? Aw hun, hugs to you dear. Don't say sorry, you are not a bother. This is LS and we are all here to help eachother. I just broke up too, 24 hours ago. What I say to you is look deep down inside of you, of what you want. Who did the break? Or was it mutual? List out the reasons that iniated the break and why you did it. See if you are willing to live with those reasons for the rest of your life perhaps. My dear, right now you miss him, I can totally understand, but in the long run it might be wrong for the both of you to be together if you get back together just because you miss the time you spent. Those love moments can be there with anyone and are a huge part of any relationship. But they are not the only part. Focus on what you didnt miss and don't like about him. Things that you know you can't put up...and once again, focus on why you broke up in the first place. I am sure it was a logical reason. Hang in there bubble, things will slowly fall back into place. Hugs...
Author bubblegum Posted October 17, 2008 Author Posted October 17, 2008 Maybe he is confused by me? Maybe I should ask him if he's free tomorrow night?
lofi_tokyo Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Yeah. He probably is confused by you - because even you sound confused! As said: My dear, right now you miss him, I can totally understand, but in the long run it might be wrong for the both of you to be together if you get back together just because you miss the time you spent. Those love moments can be there with anyone and are a huge part of any relationship. But they are not the only part. Focus on what you didnt miss and don't like about him. Things that you know you can't put up...and once again, focus on why you broke up in the first place. I am sure it was a logical reason. Have you asked yourself yet if you REALLY want to be with him? Have you thought seriously about if the reasons you broke up were good reasons? If you have done as suggested, and meditated on why you broke up with him, and the reasons seem silly now, and you WANT to be with him. Then sure, call him up, tell him why you broke up with him, and why you think they were not good reasons, tell him you are sorry... and if the reasons you broke up were things you feel you can work on, then work on them!! If however, you feel you do NOT feel the reasons you broke up with him are fixable. Stay broken up! Don't call him, thats cruel. Only call him if you want to date him. At least for the time being. He clearly wants to be with you - why would you string him along and let him entertain those ideas? If you want to be broken up with him, its unfortunate, but you must accept you cannot just hang out with him like always, not for a longgg time, when he is healed and moved on.
Author bubblegum Posted October 17, 2008 Author Posted October 17, 2008 Tokyovogue, I broke up with him because he seemed to be pushing me away due to his own confusion about our relationship, I know he has committment issues. He was kind of picking fights and such and I'd always take it and make up with him. After one such fight he told me he really doesn't want to push me away... but then it happened again. This is why I'm hesitant.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 I think sometimes, we meet great people, but they just are not in the right place when you meet them. If sounds to me like this is the case with him. If you go back to him, as always, he will probably fight with you again. He'll go back into his comfort zone with you over time, and things will be back to how they are. Theres a few options here: - Couples counseling. Is that an option for you? If it is, I suggest you two try it, maybe you can work past his commitment issues, and get past the fighting, and work towards a healthier, happier relationship. - Stay broken up, and go NC for a LONG time! No breaking it for even a second! Do it for maybe a solid one or more months (maybe two is best), and do not break NC. Give him time to REALLY think about what he's doing and what he did wrong. Maybe, with enough time to reflect, he'll decided to actively change his behavior, and you can go back to being together with both you and him in a new state of mind. - Walk away. Chances are, hes not going to change, not for a long time. Sometimes it takes a few years, and a few broken hearts, for a guy to really improve his behavior in relationships. Its also possible he'll never change! Some people are really stuck in their ways.
Author bubblegum Posted October 17, 2008 Author Posted October 17, 2008 Yes, well our "fights" weren't really fights, he'd just get upset over simple little things and storm off. After a while I realized he was creating space, which is why I broke it off since he couldn't do it himself. I'm much less vulnerable now that we've been apart for awhile, which is why I'm considering seeing him at all. I figure we broke up, what he seemed to want, but he wants to see me, so maybe I should? I realize this week I have sent mixed or even negative signals, so maybe it's my place to ask him to get together, hopefully we could talk about some of this?
BCCA Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 I know he has committment issues As someone who just wasted 5 years with someone with the same issues, my honest advice is to RUN! I dont mean to sound harsh, but people really dont change all that much, and in my experience and with what I've learned, commitment issues are generally a sign of selfishness. Do you really want to be with someone who is always thinking about the grass on the other side of the fence or who always has one foot out the door? Unless he agrees to, participates in, and changes as a result of some counseling, things will always be the same. Those little fights you got into where he stormed away? Youre absolutely right, he was creating space, but he was also doing two other very key things you should note: he was creating a reason you two couldnt be together (we always fight - ever heard that one?) and he was trying to push you into breaking up with him or giving up on the commitment you wanted for him. You should ask him over to have a sit down and honestly discuss your problems and what you need for a relationship to work. If he starts throwing up roadblocks (im going to be busy, ive tried but its not working, i dont know what to do, i cant help the way i feel, etc) hes just trying to do the bare minimum required to get you back into his life, and has no intent on ever changing. A lot of people of my generation (Im in my mid 20's) have commitment issues because the ways of the world have changed, and marrige is not the 'thing you have to do' it once was. Also, many peoples parents are divorced, and they dont view long term commitment as a worthwhile goal (why bother if its going to end anyway, and I can do what I want now). Again, dealing with someone with commitment issues can be a painful and hopeless experience. Keep in mind what you want, and what you will/wont accept from someone else, and stick to your guns.
Author bubblegum Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 I know he has committment issues Unless he agrees to, participates in, and changes as a result of some counseling, things will always be the same. Those little fights you got into where he stormed away? Youre absolutely right, he was creating space, but he was also doing two other very key things you should note: he was creating a reason you two couldnt be together (we always fight - ever heard that one?) and he was trying to push you into breaking up with him or giving up on the commitment you wanted for him. Yes BCCA you are right on! He did in fact say at some point that we've had a "rocky" relationship lately (thanks to him) and I completely saw how he was pushing me to break up because he couldn't/wouldn't do it himself. Now you've added the "giving up on the commitment I want from him," which I didn't think of before. I must be so lame. He said alot of things during the night, when we'd been asleep but then one of us rolled over or whatever, that I tend to believe because we really were asleep, one second before he'd been snoring, etc., and I think he's most open and vulnerable. He'd pull me tight and say he's so sorry for being confused, that he's not intellectual enough for me, he really wants us to work out forever etc etc stuff like that. Thanks for the advice on the roadblocks, that's the kind of stuff I need to know to help me think clearly. Wow BCCA you're awesome!
Author bubblegum Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 Can anyone comment on what I thought about his comments when we were asleep?
RainbowBlue Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 He wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants to stay friends, to enjoy your company without the obligations that comes when in a relationship, he doesn't want to miss you, he wants to b free to do whatever he wants whenever he wants however he wants and when he misses you he can come over and hang with you..... and...maybe have you as a backup.
Author bubblegum Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 Is it really that pathetic rainbowblue? Maybe it is, and I just need to face it and do what needs to be done. How sad, such a wonderful connection with someone to go to sh*t. Is it true?
Author bubblegum Posted October 20, 2008 Author Posted October 20, 2008 Well my exbf came over the other night and asked if I wanted to go away this coming weekend to our favorite romantic place for dining, people-watching, window shopping, etc. I was so surprised I just didn't know what to say for a moment, so I didn't say anything. Which I guess made him nervous because he said "oh ok, maybe not? Doesn't that sound like fun?" I recovered and said yes of course it does, I'm just thinking about it. I'm impressed that he thought of this! And I'm happy with myself that I'm not overly emotional, reading into it really. I've got to keep on top of the "actions speak louder than words" idea. I try to see how I act around him through his eyes, and I think it's pretty reserved, compared to before we broke up. I think my brain is leading a little before my heart now, could that be right?
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