IcemanJB Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Just broke up with my gf last week. I'll try to keep it short and sweet. Basically we've known each other for about 9 months, and have liked each other the entire time. We were "official" about 2 months ago. I was very happy when I was with her, and she said the same thing - the problem I think is when we were apart. I've endured breakups before, I've been cheated on, dumped, etc...but I was over the cheater within 2 days. I just lost all respect for her and it didn't hurt as bad. Anyways, this current breakup has been the toughest thing I've gone through in my life. She came over last week on the verge of tears and after 15 minutes of trying to calm her down (she gets very anxious) she was able to tell me that basically she feels horrible because she goes out 3 nights a week and does the bar scene, and can't stop thinking of what I think of it. I've told her it doesn't bother me (it doesn't!), but she said this "problem" goes much deeper. She admitted to me that she's never been able to put herself first; she's always put her brother or mom or boyfriend first and worried about what they think, and has never been able to let herself go and have fun I guess. I totally agree that she needs to put herself first so she doesn't feel like **** all the time; not just with her bf, but in other aspects of her life. She has said multiple times that she wants to be with me and still really likes me, but she won't stop feeling bad about the stuff she does until she learns to think for herself and not others (VERY generally). It's the hardest thing she's ever done in her life, she says. I asked her over again earlier this week, and we were able to talk through it for about 2 hours without tears, but she lost it again and cried the rest of the night and the walk home with me. She has said that she hardly ever cries in front of anyone... She still texts me frequently, and it's making it extremely hard to let go. I REALLY REALLY like this girl. I want her to figure this out, but I've never been here before and I have no idea what to do. We've agreed that seeing each other isn't a good idea, even though we both really want to. Anyone been here before? I am responding to her texts as of now, but I feel that might be hampering her ability to figure this out. Thanks for reading, and any advice?
lofi_tokyo Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 She admitted to me that she's never been able to put herself first; she's always put her brother or mom or boyfriend first and worried about what they think, and has never been able to let herself go and have fun I guess. I She has said multiple times that she wants to be with me and still really likes me, but she won't stop feeling bad about the stuff she does until she learns to think for herself and not others (VERY generally). We've agreed that seeing each other isn't a good idea, even though we both really want to. Okay I kind of left in whats important to me point. If I wanted to put myself first, memememememe and not anyone else, I wanted to give myself the best thing for me, what would make me happy... and I WANTED TO BE WITH a man that loved me? I would go for it... that would be putting myself first. How would her dating you put herself second? It sounds to me like MAYBE what she wants for HERSELF if to drink, go out, and enjoy flirting with other boys, seeing whats out there - putting herself first, and you, second. Thats why she can't date you, she may like you, but seeing what else is out there comes before you. If you were one amazing thing in her life, and she wanted to do things for herself, she'd sure as hell be with you. Absolutely would be. It could be something else, I really don't know enough since this I have very little insight into the situation - but you can be in a relationship, and still put yourself first sometimes. The only real time you CANT put yourself first in a relationship, is when it is hurting your significant other - ie. flirting with other boys. If my feelings are right about your ex - move on. You deserve a woman who has her priorities straight. If I guessed the situation wrong, my apologies for not getting it sooner . ;p
Treasa Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 It sounds to me as though she may want to date other guys or flirt with them, as Tokyo said, but wants to keep you as her emotional security blanket and back up. If I were you, I would totally stop responding her to texts, not take her calls, etc. She'll quickly decide what she really wants.
Author IcemanJB Posted October 17, 2008 Author Posted October 17, 2008 Thanks for the reply. She also said that she doesn't know how to put herself first (always worried about others), and she'd be miserable when we're apart until she figures out how to do that. This doesn't just go for going out and having fun. I WANT to be with a girl who isn't worried what I think all the time and can make herself happy too; I think that's essential to a relationship. My feeling is she wouldn't have cried for 3 hours on two separate occasions with me (and was still quite touchy-feely even after we broke up) if she didn't really want to be with me, considering she's pretty closed off and takes awhile to get her to open up. Not sure what to make of it, I think I'm going to go NC even though I'm pretty sure it'll hurt her...ugh, I hate saying that. She thinks very highly of me and I know NC will have an effect, but I enjoy talking to her and being with her so much... just as an fyi, I was going to go meet my roommates at a bar last night, but before I went, I asked my ex if she was there because that's one of her favorite places. She said she was so I told her I won't come so things aren't weird...she responded shortly after with "I just left." I just don't know what to believe...
Lee725 Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Hate to say it but it does seem that she may be interested in doing more than she already is, if she put everyone else first including you, she would want you to be with her when she goes out, if she was so worried about it she would not go because of the affect she thinks it has on you. The tears to me even come across as maybe a guilty conscience, maybe she has already done something bad, regrets it, knows she needs to break away from you to calm her conscience, but that does not mean that she does not love you, just that she wants to/has done things and needs to deal with the consequences of that. hope it works out for you.
Author IcemanJB Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 Thanks again for the replies everyone. I talked to my mom about it (I've never had this type of conversation with her before hahaha), and she also suggested not talking to her for awhile. ...I'm doing NC for awhile. The only way I'll say anything to her is if she says she needs to talk to me.
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