Danielle46 Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 4 and half years. We are both in college now and he is coming toward the end of receiving his bachelors degree. Up until this semester started, everything was going great! We have always been able to solve our problems in less than like 10 minutes and carry on as if nothing ever happened. We are both very reserved people in the sense that we are more into relationships than meaningless hook ups. We are very much in love and care for each other immensely (yes this feeling is mutual). However, like I said, recently things have somewhat changed. I noticed him being more distant lately and not as with it when we would hang out. Finally one day we talked about it. He told me that he has been feeling extremely stressed lately with school. He thinks that out of his four classes that he's currently taking, 3 of them aren't looking to promising. This depresses him because he is ready to graduate and move on into his career. On top of that, with the state of the economy, his father lost his job around the same time this semester started. Therefore he also feels extreme stress from that not knowing what is going to happen to his family. As if this wasn't enough stress, he has acquired some debt that he wants badly to pay off... he is working but between school and all it's difficult for him to put in the hours he used to be able too. So, what does this mean for us? Well, he feels guilty and bad that he cannot commit the time to me that he used to be able too. He feels that I deserve more attention and love than what he can provide to me right now given this situation. Soo... he decided that in order to try to make things easier and to eliminate the stress of feeling guilty about not being able to make much time for me, he suggested that we break up and focus on our school stuff for now. However he pleaded with me to not forget about him and to keep in touch. He was an emotional wreck when we had this conversation so I know this was a very hard decision for him to make. I have never in the entire time I have known him, seen him so emotional. He told me it would just kill him to ever see me with anyone else...so I know this isnt a break up where he wants us both to go "play the field".. he just wants time to get his grades up and his life in order. It's been about a week since this all happened and he has been the one that still calls and texts me to say hello and see how everything is going... He did tell me that this does NOT mean this is the absolute end of our relationship.. he feels that taking this time apart can hopefully make us stronger and bring us closer in the end... I just wanted some opinions from people (you) that may have or are experiencing a similar situation and what you think this means for us? Please help, this isnt easy on either one of us... But I know that sometimes taking a break CAN in fact make everything better...
SushiX Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Some men hide in their caves at times like this and completely shuts out everyone. He feels like he let you down and cannot provide for you anymore and give you all the things you deserve. The only thing you can do now is give him his time. He'll come out of his cave soon enough. Just tell him you love him and that you'll be there for him no matter what. It's amazing what little words of encouragment can do.
Author Danielle46 Posted October 17, 2008 Author Posted October 17, 2008 Yes I have been trying to be encouraging by telling him that I completely understand the importance of an education because I, myself am still in college and have a while to go..so believe me I know the stress & strain it can bring. The confusing part to me is the whole "keeping in touch thing"... I don't want to text or call him like every other day because I don't want him to think that I'm needy...plus I want him to have some time to think about us and miss us... and if I contact him too much, I think Im taking that away. So far, again it's only been about a week, I haven't yet contacted him. He texted me a couple days ago and we had a short but sweet conversation then... Im thinking I might just wait it out for him to contact me again? Advice would be appreciated!
BCCA Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Where there is a will, there is a way. I honestly think that there are some other things going on in his life that are bringing him down, but at the same time, he is willing to let you walk and risk you meeting someone else. And Im sure he doesnt want to THINK about you with someone else, but he has to be fully aware that that is the risk he is taking with this break. And the parameters are undefined...its just until he gets everything in his life straightened away. How long is that going to be and how long does he really expect you to wait? I think its never a bad idea to hold a flame for someone, and tell yourself if that person came back and the situation was right you would be interested, but waiting for anyone is unfair to you and could be a waste of time in the end. Im sure hes a great guy, and he sounds like a good person, but disconnect yourself from everything but the most basic thing you need to understand: he broke up with you. Why is not important, because you never get the whole truth, and again, regardless of what else is going on in his life, if it was important to keep you, he would have just explained himself and asked for your patience, not broken up with you. Taking a break can be good, but a break is just that, a BREAK. It means you go out with whomever you want, you live your life for yourself, and that you live each day like a single person. It sounds like he just needs a break, but actions speak louder than words. If it was me, I would ask him what kind of a break he is talking about, are you completely single, etc...if all he says is he doesnt want you with other people, thats just selfish. If there is a mutual agreement to not be with other people, than that somewhat defeats the purpose of a break, doesnt it? People give a lot of reasons to get to one conclusion: they want the relationship to end. It could be a right guy/wrong time situation, but youll never know, and you cant hold out hope for that. Life is too short, live it to the fullest.
Author Danielle46 Posted October 19, 2008 Author Posted October 19, 2008 At this point I am just taking everything on a day by day basis. We still speak to one another because we are truly each other's best friends and our families are close as well. Being a student myself, I understand that it can become extremely overwhelming at times and even more so when you have added pressure coming from extraneous circumstances beyond your control, like his dad's job loss and the possibility of his as well. Like I said, I have never seen him as upset in the entire time I have known him than when we spoke about this. We tried to be "together" while he worked through this (that in itself would involve more details) but, he just felt bad and guilty about not being able to commit the time to me and our relationship that he used to be able too. I know him better than anyone else, even he will admit that...and he told me that he can definitely see a future with me...Just right now he needs to get his priorities in order and for both of us, our education is number one. We have always, since we first started dating, put each other at the top of our lists, but times change and life complicates (especially when striving for the educations that we are)...so I hope that he just takes this time & truly can evaluate everything and see what direction he wants his life to take. I know that there isn't any way that I am anywhere near ready to see anyone else, and I know he feels the same...Men see things different from women and that's a given, so I am just going to take this as it is and see what happens. I have hopes for us but not expectations...I don't want to be anymore let down in the event things don't turn out how we hope...but my instinct tells me that everything will be okay... and it has yet to be wrong. Basically, Im hoping for the best, and fearing the worst. =/
Author Danielle46 Posted October 20, 2008 Author Posted October 20, 2008 A little update: Things so far haven't really improved..I know not much time has passed and really withou that I know things cant improve themselves. But this has been extremely difficult for me to get through. So Ive come to a decision: If he wants a "break" then that's what I am going to give him...I'm going to cut my end of the communication, giving him a REAL chance to miss me. I'm sure in his mind if we go like two or three days without contact, he probably feels that at some point he is going to hear from me...but if i rid of that safety net feeling, maybe he'll begin to realize that he doesn't have all the time in the world if he wants things between us to work. I know he's been spending his weekends at home working on homework and being with his family...I actually know this for sure b/c I am close with his mom and she's been helping both of us through this. It's a very close knit situation which is why this has been really hard...if I lost my relationship with him, it wouldn't just be with him... it would be losing what I have considered my second family. So I figure that if I make this move by not contacting him anymore & leaving that all up to him then he will be more able to miss me and think about things...which also gives me slightly more control over this situation, which would potentially be helpful... What do you think? Advice is appreciated
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