Moved from the LDRs Forum, to this one..:(

[Mylife]

This is in the LDRs section as well, I just put it here as well, since now its more use here...

 

If you all read my old posts, I was having compatibility issues, atleast I felt like I was. I thought he was too clingy and that we talked too much for me to handle per day. I had talked to him it, he said we can always work it out.

 

Would have been 6 months on Saturday, his 24th birthday on Monday and last night, I ended it. I tried and explained, we had differences and these were things that one cannot live with. Sure, we loved eachother, but we had differences. He was the same culture as me, but born and brought up in North America. Whereas I was a lot more attached to my culture. I had told my parents about him, he said he wanted to wait untill he was done school to tell them because it is very culturally strict to not have a SO (even though he was born and brought up here and I wasn't:confused:). It was important to me that he told them, he didn't. He was 5 years older than I am.

 

I have never heard a guy cry so much. He was crying with tears streaming down his face, I could hear it all on the phone. I cried more than I ever have too. I told him I am sorry, that I do really still love and care about him, just that our personalities and ideas were not compatible. He just kept saying, please please, I don't want to go, I don't want to leave, I want to stay with you.

 

I was in so much pain he was in ever more, but stuck by my word, I didn't want to live a relationship that was a lie, to me and to him. There was nothing wrong with him as a person, he was a great guy, I just didn't feel the chemistry.

 

He claims he has been hurt in the past. Once back when he was 14, a girl came to their house, a family friend's daughter. She was 14 too, and they started liking eachother. Went out for about 3 months, then she moved away a little far and called him and said that she doesn't want to long distance and ended it, he was very hurt and remembers it untill today. (Happend at 14)

 

He got older, and in high school had a good 1 1/2 year relationship with a girl of a different culture, he was immature so he ended that because he saw no future. (Different culture all together)

 

Later on he liked a girl in university, people told him she liked him too, he eventually asked her out she said yes. He was waiting where they had to meet, she never showed up, he thought maybe she forgot and went home. He randomly checked his email and she had written to him that she won't be able to come because she has to go out with her BF. He was so hurt, he started doing really bad in school and messed up his university year with dropping courses and all.

 

Then he met a girl of the internet, talked for 4 months, they liked eachother and she kept saying that his looks don't matter his personality does. It was long distance so finally went to meet her 5 hours drive away. They met for a day, he came back home. 2 days later she said that he looked different than him pics and he is not what she thought he looked like. Again he cried and was very very hurt.

 

Now 6 months ago, he met me over the internet. We talked 3 months before he came to meet me. I liked him in real, he was a sweetheart. We started our relationship, I went to see him 2 times, he came once again. We talked every night.

 

Slowly, I started to feel that every time I said I love you I didn't feel that energy rush. Things he said, or did, made me realise that we were not on the same page culturally. Things I loved about my culture and talking about them, he had no idea even existed.

 

I just thought a lot about it, talked to family about it. I was going to wait to do it, but yesterday I got emotional and just let it all out. He just cried and cried and begged. I knew it was the best for both of us and just apologised over and over again.

 

I have an exam tomorrow, he has a huge paper due Saturday, an exam on monday (his bday) and 2 on tuesday. I wanted to wait till Wednesday, but it didnt happen. I slept for about 2 hours last night after our 5 hour convo on this. He hung up crying like hell and said that he will love me forever and that he has never loved anyone as much he loved me. He said to say Hi to my family and that he loves them too. I just cried and cried and cried.

 

I woke up with an awful headache and felt like throwing up, I live at home so my sis gave me a hug and told me not to worry. I took 2 tylenols and tried to study a bit, didnt happen so I took a 4 hour nap. When I woke up, I saw a text from him saying "Study Hard". I called my sis to ask if I should reply, she said no, so I just left it at that.

 

His big issue, he is very weak. Because that girl messed up his university year, he had to stay back an extra year. Now I am scared of him messing up this year too and then not being able to persue further education. I really want him to and he is a smart guy. But I know he is hurt and I know he is aching, so I don't know if he will be able to study.

 

He wasn't a huge social person either compared to me. He lives at university with his sister but goes home to his parents every now and then. His parents didnt know and neither did his sis, so he has no family support. A few friends knew, but he hardly talks to them so he can't talk to them either. I on the other hand am very social and have loads of people I can talk to when I am down.

 

I am sad, very very very much so. I know deep down I did the right thing, but I feel so devastated to have hurt him. I am scared...very very scared of how he is going to do in school. He was always upset about how that girl messed up his school year and now I am the one that did.

 

I know I should maintain NC. And its only been a few hours, I am trying so far. But its just so difficult. I have hurt him so much, even though he has only experience hurt in his life.

 

I prayed for him, to do well, and even told him last night to not let this hurt his school. He just cried and said but I want to be with you, you mean so much. I can't live without you. I loved him too...I still do. But love does not make a great future, compatibility does...

 

I want him to be ok...I don't want him aching so much....

 

Did I do the right thing??

 

( Sorry about the length...but I would appreciate support ) Thanks

[fabulousgal]

Not every couple has to be perfectly compatible. However, there are things you should be willing to accept and things you aren't in differences. I hope you seriously assessed yours rather than just having a list.

 

Most relationships see a decline in the walking on air feeling after 4-5 months.

 

Let's assume that everything you have said about too many differences, and just not feeling it are true. If you don't want to be with him, please don't call him or be around him to alleviate guilty feelings. It will just give him false hope, and that will be way worse. Give him a kind goodbye, he needs to be able to deal with this alone....and you being there won't help him at all.

[Ronni_W]

Mylife,

Yes, I think you did the "right thing" -- that is, the best thing that you felt you ought to do. And it took great strength and courage to do it, so you can also feel good about yourself, for that.

 

His pain and future success, really, is not within your power to manage or heal. And it's not your job/responsibility, in any event.

 

I would suggest that going 'no contact' will feel more difficult but may prove to be the long-term best thing for both of you.

You could start of with asking for two weeks (and sticking to it no matter what), and then increasing the n/c period...4 weeks, 8 weeks, etc.

 

Sendings hugs and Healing.

[Mylife]

Not every couple has to be perfectly compatible. However, there are things you should be willing to accept and things you aren't in differences. I hope you seriously assessed yours rather than just having a list.

 

Most relationships see a decline in the walking on air feeling after 4-5 months.

 

Let's assume that everything you have said about too many differences, and just not feeling it are true. If you don't want to be with him, please don't call him or be around him to alleviate guilty feelings. It will just give him false hope, and that will be way worse. Give him a kind goodbye, he needs to be able to deal with this alone....and you being there won't help him at all.

 

But he is so hurt, I have not messaged or called all day. He texted saying "study hard", thats it. I did not reply...I know he is in so much pain and all because of me.

[Mylife]

Mylife,

Yes, I think you did the "right thing" -- that is, the best thing that you felt you ought to do. And it took great strength and courage to do it, so you can also feel good about yourself, for that.

 

His pain and future success, really, is not within your power to manage or heal. And it's not your job/responsibility, in any event.

 

I would suggest that going 'no contact' will feel more difficult but may prove to be the long-term best thing for both of you.

You could start of with asking for two weeks (and sticking to it no matter what), and then increasing the n/c period...4 weeks, 8 weeks, etc.

 

Sendings hugs and Healing.

 

I think I did it for both of us. I know he can find a girl that makes him feel just as special as he does and is compatible with him 100%. He is hurting and I know he is, I have talked or messaged all day. I have to stick with the NC I guess...

 

Thanks for the hugs and healing...

[Mylife]

I have gotten a 100.5 degrees fever, not able to concentrate on studying for my midterm tomorrow.

 

He messaged my best friend to ask if I was ok and that he is confused as to what happend and about how upset he is.

 

She messaged back saying that I wasn't too good but what happened, was for the better of both of us and that he should focus on his school work.

 

She says the same to me, which I should probebly be doing, its just so difficult.

 

I never thought being the dumper is so hard too...I hurt him so much.

 

I almost feel like saying I made a mistake and want to go back to him because he is so upset. He is hurting...so much..

[fabulousgal]

I almost feel like saying I made a mistake and want to go back to him because he is so upset. He is hurting...so much..

 

 

Sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. You should quit feeling pity for him to the point you say you'd get back with him. He will move on, as you will too. He doesn't need you and probably doesn't want to be with you only because you feel guilty/sorry for hurting his feelings.

 

Leave him alone, spare him the agony of hope.

[Mylife]

Thanks fab..but I read your reply late...

 

I wanted him to know that there is nothing wrong with him and that he did nothing wrong that made me break up with him. So last night, I asked my sister to call him, (he had met her once before) and talk to him and tell him that we did not have any common interests.

 

If I would have talked, we both would have gotten emotional. My sis and him talked logically and she said he seemed fine but obviously hurt. I felt good to know he is ok and that he has my sis to talk to if he needs it. He knew now why it happened and that he is a great guy and all.

 

I was good, felt ok, still sad but better, did some work, and went to sleep. When I woke up, I was missing him again and ended up sending this to his facebook messages.

 

Hey,

 

I just thought I would write this to you. My dear, I know you are aching, I know you are hurt, I do feel what you must be going through. This is probebly one of the hardest decisions I have had to make ever in my life. Although it might seem painful and wrong now, I know I did it for the long run, and for the better of both of us. I know you won't agree now and are probebly mad and in pain, but dear trust me, and I know deep down inside you do feel that it was the best for both.

 

(BF), this feeling of guilt, pain and disgust in myself is probebly the worst thing that I have ever experienced. All I can hear is your voice in my head and nothing else. Its hard right now and I do know it is for you as well. Give it time dear, time can heal anything.

 

It is difficult to concentrate, to eat or to sleep and I can imagine it might be for you as well. Just be strong my dear and I know you and I can do that.

 

Right now, even though it is hard for me as well, concentrate on what is important. Focus on school dear, go to class, try your best to concentrate while studying. I know its easier said than done, I am experiencing it too. But I know if you try dear, you can conquer the world. Its an important year for you and I know you are smart, I know you are mature, and I know that you know of what is important. Be mature and focus on your goals and where you want to see yourself in your career.

 

I understand its very difficult, and not as easy at it sounds, but I know you can do it, I just know. Study for your midterms to the best of your ability. The pleasure of doing well in them regardless of what is going on in your life will help you to feel better, trust me. Because at our point in life, our school is the most important.

 

I want you to know that you are the perfect guy, any girl would want someone like you. I didn't respect you enough for that and you deserve better. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and you will keep any girl very happy.

 

Give it time dear, a few days at a time. I have no regrets, and absolutely nothing against you. I care for you and want you happy in the long run. You deserve a lot more.

 

Whenever you think we are both ready, we can be on talking terms again as friends, slowly, just give it time to heal. For now dear, study to the best of your ability. Make me and your parents proud that you are mature enough to not let anything hurt your school.

 

Finish your paper on time and do super well on your midterms next week, you will feel better about yourself, I promise.

 

And also, take good care of yourself and don't neglect your health. I should be telling myself this too, but I know we can both do it if we try. We are strong, and we will do what is most important.

 

I do care for you and always will, I just want you happy in the long run.

 

Take care dear,

 

Mylife

 

 

Yeah, so I know, bad idea and all and all. It was 7 in the morning, I was half asleep and hurting bad. He has not replied, don't know if he has not seen it yet or if he doesn't want to reply...

 

I felt better after sending it...still do. But part of me is scared what will come out of it.

 

*sigh* I never knew being the dumpee was so devastating as well...

[Mylife]

He did come on facebook, but he did not reply...don't know if he will. I miss talking to him...

[Hersheys]

Okay....so you broke up with him yet you're still contacting him.

 

If you really do care about him and want him to move on, the best thing you can do to help him is to LEAVE HIM ALONE.

 

Don't send him anymore letters or messages telling him how sorry you are. If you keep on contacting him explaining to him why you had to break up, chances are he will just get annoyed by your constant contact with him.

 

Leave the boy alone and let him move on and enjoy his life.

[Mylife]

Yeah, I will try to make myself not send him any more messages.

 

But guys, I found out, through his wall posts on facebook. A friend of his asked him why he was crying in the library?

 

He is not able to study, he is crying...

 

He has so much work, yet he is crying... and all because of me...he is still crying.....

 

Oh man...why is this so bad!!

[Hersheys]

Let him deal with it. He can take care of himself. Don't let his problem be your problem.

 

Remain NC, not just for you but for him too.