IM5150 Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Hey everyone, I wanted to stop by and say hello to everyone and let you all know how it's been going these last few months. I've had alot of good advise on these boards and I felt compelled to return and give you guys an update on my situation. If this is the first time you've heard of me just look back at my previous threads. [FONT=Arial]In a nutshell, I began having an affair with a woman. For about 6 months we would see each other regularly. This is when I started posting on the boards. Towards the end of the 6 months, the wife found out about the affair. She overheard a telephone conversation I was having with a friend as I was telling my friend about this relationship. The wife asked me to leave the house. For the next month I stayed in a hotel. After that I ended moving into a condo with a roommate. For the next couple of months I went back and forth with my wife trying to figure out if I wanted to try and repair the marriage. We even tried going to a few counseling sessions which did not work out. Ultimately I told my wife that I don’t think that our marriage could be repaired and we continued with the divorce process. We have finally signed the papers and they have been filed with the courts. We have agreed on all terms and now we continue to be friends, no hard feelings on either part. She has now found someone that appears to love her and gives her what I couldn’t so in that respect I am happy for her and now she is feeling happier each day that she can now start a new life.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]I continue to see OW. She recently moved in with me and we share my room at the condo I’m staying at. We love each other very much but I can tell you first hand that the relationship needs some work. Because of our past I think we are still having trust issues with one another. I still don’t trust her 100% and I don’t think she trusts me 100% either. It doesn’t surprise me because of the circumstances but I’m trying to get over this and I want us to be able to trust each other. The last few weeks it seems like we are arguing more often, I think it might be because we are too close for comfort. Maybe she shouldn’t have moved in but I feel so comfortable knowing that she’s there waiting for me when I get home everyday. She’s so wonderful and very loving. She is also very sensitive and it seems like lately I hurt her feelings a lot. I try my best not too because I love her very much.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]So that’s where we’re at now. I’m trying to make this relationship work, it’s not easy but I’m sure it can be done. It’s been 1 year and a month since we’ve met.[/FONT]
jwi71 Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Good luck to you. All relationships start with uncertainty and yours is no exception. You do have the added history to contend with and it will cause those trust issues for obvious reasons. All people have a right to be happy and I hope you find it in her. Maybe slowing down a bit would help - everything seems to have happened very quickly if I have the timing down. Just give a little space so soon after divorce...
wildsoul Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Hello there. Nice to meet you. I'm keen on learning from you, as we are on a similar path, but you and your partner are ahead of my separated man and I. If you scroll down to my Oct 14th entry on this post, you'll see that we are starting to hit some of the trust issues too. He hasn't said that he has any trust issues with me (not in the affair sense) but I'm going through a bit of that--even though things are really great between us. If he has any trust issues, I suspect it's mostly about making sure choosing me is the right thing compared to his marriage. When I get worried, he gets tense, and if we aren't careful, we can trigger each other. My main concern right now is how to learn to navigate these trust issues so we become stronger. FWIW, I can offer a woman's persepctive (i.e. there are things my guy can say/do that reassure me vs. make it worse) and I would LOVE to hear a man's perspective too!
Dominique Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Just keep the big picture in mind and keep in mind that all kinds of nagging issues are going to litter the path. But consider your journey together, your love for her, and just use some patience and even humor when things get prickly. You earn her trust by being trustworthy. And if you both are feeling close for comfort, the space things out a bit---go for weekend drives, somehow that clears the mind and the air a bit. Don't lose a good thing, and don't ever let insecurity undermine love. DOM
Author IM5150 Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 Wow, we are in very similar situations. It would be great to keep in contact with you and share thoughts. Is there PM's on this board? Hello there. Nice to meet you. I'm keen on learning from you, as we are on a similar path, but you and your partner are ahead of my separated man and I. If you scroll down to my Oct 14th entry on this post, you'll see that we are starting to hit some of the trust issues too. He hasn't said that he has any trust issues with me (not in the affair sense) but I'm going through a bit of that--even though things are really great between us. If he has any trust issues, I suspect it's mostly about making sure choosing me is the right thing compared to his marriage. When I get worried, he gets tense, and if we aren't careful, we can trigger each other. My main concern right now is how to learn to navigate these trust issues so we become stronger. FWIW, I can offer a woman's persepctive (i.e. there are things my guy can say/do that reassure me vs. make it worse) and I would LOVE to hear a man's perspective too!
KismetGirl Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 you ddnt say but....did you and your wife have kids?
Author IM5150 Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 Yes, I have 2 girls. 6 and 8. We have agreed that for now I see them one day a week. They sleep over. you ddnt say but....did you and your wife have kids?
KismetGirl Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Yes, I have 2 girls. 6 and 8. We have agreed that for now I see them one day a week. They sleep over. Ah. I am curious how is it that you found it possible to leave them? Im not insulting you, im truly curious. Im an OW involved with an MM and i believe the main reason he wont change his life is because he has three small kids with his W and doesnt want to be a part-time dad, so to speak.....just wondering how other guys feel about that subject in his situation
GreenEyedLady Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 Maybe your distrust stems from the fact that you two haven't been together that long and really don't know each other yet. From your post you've been together maybe a year? And you're sharing a room with her and a condo with another person? Doesn't make for a comfortable situation. It seems as if you two need to really communicate here. What is really the problem? Why exactly are you two distrustful of each other? Because of other people? Is either of you giving off a vibe that you're doing something you shouldn't? If you're distrustful simply because she was your OW, that's not going to make for a successful R. You should examine why and what you are distrusting of.
Author IM5150 Posted October 17, 2008 Author Posted October 17, 2008 Simply because I'm not going to stay with my wife just for the kids sake. The kids are doing just fine and enjoy coming over to my place. I'm not much a family man so that's why we agreed that my wife have them most of the time. Ah. I am curious how is it that you found it possible to leave them? Im not insulting you, im truly curious. Im an OW involved with an MM and i believe the main reason he wont change his life is because he has three small kids with his W and doesnt want to be a part-time dad, so to speak.....just wondering how other guys feel about that subject in his situation
Author IM5150 Posted October 17, 2008 Author Posted October 17, 2008 No, we share a room in a condo with another roomate so it's 3 of us living there. The mistrust comes from her kissing someone in front of me a while ago before we had slept together, and also, she had a long distance relationship going when I met her and we started becomong closer friends. She knew where this was all going. I will gove her the benefit of the doubt though that she held off on having sex with me until she broke it off with her boyfriend. And you're sharing a room with her and a condo with another person? Doesn't make for a comfortable situation.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 No, we share a room in a condo with another roomate so it's 3 of us living there. I will gove her the benefit of the doubt though that she held off on having sex with me until she broke it off with her boyfriend. How nice of you to give her the benefit of the doubt when YOU were still married. That's what i meant about the living arrangements. The 3 of you in a condo. You can't even have an argument without your roommate knowing about it. Hard to be yourself when you have a third party around. I still think it has to do with the fact that you two don't know each other very well, just ended significant R's and you're living together in such close quarters. I think you need to address your distrust. Really nothing you've said is a real red flag about her; Just that you hold her to a standard you don't meet yourself. If you want this R to work, you'll have swallow your pride and move forward, with a clean slate.
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 I don't understand why on earth you'd live with someone so quickly? Why not just date and take it slowly? What's the rush? You two need to rebuild from scratch and have independance - There's some trust issues already seeing as how you two got together, and it seems living together (is it??) could be a way of you keeping an eye on her as much as you can.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 What is your plan when things end with this girl? Hopefully you have a plan!
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