simple_city_girl Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 dear all, i am feeling very guilty lately. a very nice person entered my life 3 years ago. he did a lot for me and shared my good and bad times. i am a 26 yr old female with low self esteem and social anxiety issues. he (who is 20 years older than me) cared for me, understood me and did a lot. today after 3 years i can easily say that he is the only person who has cared for me during my life till now. he has been busy lately with some family issues and a financial matter, also he's growing older and is having some medical stress related problems for which he is taking medication. so we've not been in touch like we used to. he has got far too many problems of his own now, and seems to have less time for me and my issues. initially i understood this and respected his feelings. but as i am already a very insecure person with low self-image, and i dont have many friends, i started to constantly doubt him also for the past many months. i started feeling like he didn't like me anymore, he was intentionally pretending to be busy and ignoring me. this went on and on. he initially tried to pacify me and make me understand that i should not doubt and imagine things. he must have tried to make me understand 10 times in a span of 2 months, that he was still my friend. but i kept on fighting with him again and again regarding emails/phone calls/ or just anything. and now ultimately, due to my insecurities, i have lost a friend. he doesnt want to talk to anymore. he said that this is too much for him to handle, the constant fights, he said he's got too many of his own problems, he just doesn't have the energy to deal with my constant doubting, fighting and arguing. i really have lost the only friend I've got. forever. i feel awful. i feel like my world has come to an end. i care about him a lot, i respect that he has his own life. but i am feeling so lonely and sad. more so angry with myself to have created problems between us because of my own issues. i have lost the most precious friend i had got. i feel lost, what should i do, please tell me
lofi_tokyo Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 You need to give him some time and space. Let him get his life under control. The wonderful thing about friendship is, it can always begin anew, I believe. Unlike romantic relationships, friendships seem to transcend most major "break ups" and over time, can heal. It may take a while for you two to revive the friendship you have, so in the mean time, find ways to make new friends, so that the weight of your problems is not always on his shoulders. Maybe go to counseling to work on your self-esteem problems. When you're more able to take care of yourself, you'll be more capable of helping take care of him when hes stressed, rather than him constantly needing to take care of you. A friendship goes both ways, it sounds very much like he was giving more than he was receiving, and thats why he needs space. Take time to work on how you can be a better friend, and make new friends. I think if you put in a sincere effort, you can recover the friendship you feel you may have lost.
sedgwick Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 I think the most pressing thing is to get into therapy to deal with your self-esteem and anxiety issues. Is that an option?
Author simple_city_girl Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 dear tokyovogue, thanks a lot for the response, i am trying to understand the situation and giving him time and space. he wants me not to contact him. its hurting, but i will surely not do it..... its hurting more because i screwed up, i was mean with him and feel awful about that more. i truly deserve this treatment, but i want to do something so our friendship can revive.... dear sedgwick, i have visited a doctor couple of months ago, and started to look after myself more and exercise to have positive thoughts, and bringing little by little changes, it might take a while. but now i have realized that i need to wake up...
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 i am a 26 yr old female with low self esteem and social anxiety issues. Talk to your family Dr and do some googling for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and find a therapist in your City to help you with your anxiety issues. I've done CBT and it saved my life, so please look into that. Soon! Some good books to read - The Feeling Good Book by Dr David Burns, Been There, Done That, Try This! By Sam Obitz. There are also afew good ones about anxiety by Claire Weeks. This MM in your life is just causing you MORE anxiety, so it is good that he's exited out of your life. I know you're hurting, but in the long run, you're better off. but i want to do something so our friendship can revive.... It won't because he IS married and it's an inappropriate friendship. I'm sure his wife wouldn't like it, imagine if you were married and some girl was hanging around your husband, relying on him for everything..It's just wrong, and he has made the right choice by letting you go out of his life. Sorry, but you do need to hear the truth of the situation. That and he was doing alot of damage to you...Making your self esteem and self confidence WORSE.
D-Lish Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 A friendship goes both ways, it sounds very much like he was giving more than he was receiving, and thats why he needs space. Take time to work on how you can be a better friend, and make new friends. I think if you put in a sincere effort, you can recover the friendship you feel you may have lost. I couldn't agree more. I've had a close friend for many years who is always leaning on me. I went through a really tough time and she didn't so much as ask me about how I was doing with things. It was still all about her all the time. We finally had a blow out because she didn't feel like I was "there for her" like I used to be and I finally lost it on her. I came to resent her when I brought up what I was going through and she didn't want to hear about it. I stopped talking to her after that. I think it's easy to fall into the type of relationship you're in. SOme people enjoy being rescuers and some like being rescued. Right now he is the one in need and all you can think about is that he is no longer available to support YOU. I think you can repair the relationship by acknowledging how helpful he has been and that you have been selfish. I'd offer him a shoulder to lean on and make a sincere apology. He may or may not be ready to accept it from you at this point. But I'd make one attempt at an apology and let him know you are there for him when he is ready to talk again. Then- leave the ball in his court. You can get support from therapy, group therapy, meds, etc... There are many avenues available out there to help yourself. Take this as an opportunity to help yourself. In the end- you want to be able to rely on yourself, not others.
Author simple_city_girl Posted October 19, 2008 Author Posted October 19, 2008 This MM in your life is just causing you MORE anxiety, so it is good that he's exited out of your life. I know you're hurting, but in the long run, you're better off. dear wwip, thanks for response. yes, its true that i have grasped the situation, but at the moment i am unable to execute what is the right thing to do......... i am only thinking what went wrong and why we couldnt be friends. i sometimes wonder if i really loved him, because when we love someone we do not add to their problems and i only did that. in a way it means that i didn't justify my love towards him because i was selfish most of the time.
Author simple_city_girl Posted October 19, 2008 Author Posted October 19, 2008 I couldn't agree more. I've had a close friend for many years who is always leaning on me. I went through a really tough time and she didn't so much as ask me about how I was doing with things. It was still all about her all the time. We finally had a blow out because she didn't feel like I was "there for her" like I used to be and I finally lost it on her. I came to resent her when I brought up what I was going through and she didn't want to hear about it. I stopped talking to her after that. I think it's easy to fall into the type of relationship you're in. SOme people enjoy being rescuers and some like being rescued. Right now he is the one in need and all you can think about is that he is no longer available to support YOU. I think you can repair the relationship by acknowledging how helpful he has been and that you have been selfish. I'd offer him a shoulder to lean on and make a sincere apology. He may or may not be ready to accept it from you at this point. But I'd make one attempt at an apology and let him know you are there for him when he is ready to talk again. Then- leave the ball in his court. You can get support from therapy, group therapy, meds, etc... There are many avenues available out there to help yourself. Take this as an opportunity to help yourself. In the end- you want to be able to rely on yourself, not others. dear D-Lish, thanks for your response. this is EXACTLY my situation. it was really all about me and my insecurities. and that is what is hurting me the most. the end was terrible. he got so annoyed with me that he lost his patience and said rude things to me which he had never ever said in the past 3 years. i did apologise immediately that i didnt mean to hurt him but he wouldn't listen. at the moment, i am trying to look into my life and see what is wrong and why i can never sustain friendships in general. but the thought that i have lost a friend like him keeps coming back and i just wish i were a bit more stronger. thanks again for your response
D-Lish Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I think recognizing there is a problem is the first step to mending yourself. If you look back on your friendships and discover that you have a pattern of leaning on others without reciprocating, that may be a factor in why others get frustrated and walk away. That doesn't mean you can't change this behaviour. Just recognizing it and being aware of it should help to guide how you handle future friendships. I am the opposite- I don't normally lean on others. I have that rescue complex- but I also find some will take advantage of that and I eventually get resentful and turn away. Try to make a habit of asking questions about the other person and how they are doing. Learn to recognize the signs when a friend may need to do some venting of their own. Once you are conscious of it and practice concern for others- it will begin to integrate into your personality. I know what it's like to have anxiety and sometimes depression. I have always used therapy as a safe place to work through my feelings so I don't feel the need to place too much of a burden on my friends or lovers. There's nothing wrong with leaning on another person- but for a relationship to work well, there needs to be some balance. I am sure your friend just wasn't in the right frame of mind to accept your apology following a heated argument. It will probably take some distance and an acknowldegement on your part that you care about him, appreciate everything he has done for you and a sincere offer to listen to him should he want to vent about anything. Try therapy though- it truly is a good place to vent. They are paid to listen and help.
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