misternoname Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 I've posted here quite a bit over the course of the year. My story is probably common but here it goes... Married my High School sweetheart. Married 24 years. Over the years my wife cheated several times. I always forgave and took her back (I know...pathetic!). Anyways at the end of her last affair in 2004 she swore that she would never cheat again, etc. etc. She said if she ever had the urge again she would leave me first to give me my dignity. Around January I noticed some suspicious behavior (her past shenanigans have made me very "tuned" in). Lots of girls nights out, locked phone, new email acct, etc. My instincts kicked in and I flat out asked her. Her response was "no" but she hinted around about us having a temporary separation or even try an open marriage. I posted about this and got a consensus that she was already seeing somebody. I knew that was most likely the case but I hoped against hope that I wasn't being played again. Sure enough around April I had hard evidence that she was indeed screwing around with some dude she met in a bar. She only came clean when i presented her with the evidence. A couple of days later she announced that she was moving out for 30 days to "figure out what the hell was wrong with her." She vowed to end the affair, get into therapy and be completely alone (no dating) during the separation. Part of me wanted to tell her to not bother and just go and stay gone but damn...I still love her and hoped she would FINALLY get the help she desparately needed. The first couple of weeks were miserable. We stayed in contact and tried to be friendly. Three weeks into her hiatus she came to me and said she felt like she needed to try dating to convince herself that she either wanted to be single or stay married. Needless to say i was PISSED. To make matters worse, I found out through the grapevine that she had already met another guy prior to her "announcement." I decided at that point to start dating myself. I was flabbergasted at how easy it was. My social calendar became a juggling act. months went by and I continued to "use" women as timefillers ( I was always upfront and never led anyone on). I ended up meeting a lady that became a lot more than a time filler. She was (is) wonderful in all ways. i cut off everyone else and started seeing her exclusively. At end of July my STBXW came to me and said she was still with the other dude but was very unsure of what she wanted. She announced that her therapist suggested she take a trip alone to "sort out" her thoughts. During her sabatical I found out her solo trip was actually a week vacation in Europe with her friggin boyfriend! Before she returned I went to an attorney, got papers going, cancelled her credit cards and locked her out of my house. When she returned she was greeted with a server with divorce papers. She absolutely freaked out! A couple of days after being served she came crying to me about how bad she screwed up and how desparately she wanted a second chance. i hesitantly agreed to a weekend trip with her to see how we both felt. The trip rapidly turned into a trip down memory lane...very emotional and pleasant. We agreed when we returned to cut off all others, seek joint counseling and give our marriage one more try. I kept my end of the bargain...she didn't! Found out that within a few days of reconciling she was in daily contact with her boyfriend. Needless to say I felt like an absolute fool. I called up the girl I had been dating. Came completely clean fully expecting her to tell me to F off. Much to my surprise she took me back and we picked up where we left off. Since that time we've grown very close and are now enjoying a very happy relationship. Now to my question...the divorce is days away. My ex and i have had several conversations where we both acknowledge that we're both regretful and unsure that this is what we both really want. We both agree, however, that it's too late to stop it and our fate is pretty much decided. I know this is the right thing to do but I am consumed with thoughts of her and our life together. It's as if the entire year is a long nightmare that I can't wake up from. Any advice on how to get through this and move on? My girlfriend is very patient but I sense that she knows that I'm feeling this way. It's starting to cause tension. I'm so damned confused and I'm historically a very confident, sure person. Uggghhhh!
amaysngrace Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 A couple of days after being served she came crying to me about how bad she screwed up and how desparately she wanted a second chance. i hesitantly agreed to a weekend trip with her to see how we both felt. The trip rapidly turned into a trip down memory lane...very emotional and pleasant. We agreed when we returned to cut off all others, seek joint counseling and give our marriage one more try. I kept my end of the bargain...she didn't! Found out that within a few days of reconciling she was in daily contact with her boyfriend. Why would you give her even one more chance to lie to you? Why would you allow yourself to have any hope that she will change? Actions speak louder than words. I would be so relieved to finalize the divorce if I were in your shoes. I would be so glad to end this chapter in my life. Find a woman who will respect you and treat you with dignity. She's playing you for a fool, time and time again, and you are allowing her to. She's been messing with your mind for years. Take her out of the equation and then maybe you will have clarity. Finally. You deserve that.
Author misternoname Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 Thanks for the reply...everything you said is spot on. My head says all that but my heart is still confused. I guess only time will heal all.
amaysngrace Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 Your head is fuzzy because of all the lost hopes and expectations that you have placed on marriage. It sucks. The life you planned out isn't happening the way you planned at all and you have to go through mourning of the marriage, the hopes, the dreams, etc. Just stay optimistic if you can. A big weight is soon to be lifted off of your shoulders...you just can't see that right yet.
Author misternoname Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 I truly hope you're right! Thanks again.
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