i hurt the only real friend i ever got - i feel lost

[simple_city_girl]

dear all,

 

i am feeling very guilty lately. a very nice person entered my life 3 years ago. he did a lot for me and shared my good and bad times. i am a 26 yr old female with low self esteem and social anxiety issues. he (who is 20 years older than me) cared for me, understood me and did a lot. today after 3 years i can easily say that he is the only person who has cared for me during my life till now.

 

he has been busy lately with some family issues and a financial matter, also he's growing older and is having some medical stress related problems for which he is taking medication.

 

so we've not been in touch like we used to. he has got far too many problems of his own now, and seems to have less time for me and my issues. i understood this and respected his feelings.

 

but as i am already a very insecure person with low self-image, and i dont have many friends, i started to constantly doubt him also for the past many months. i started feeling like he didn't like me anymore, he was intentionally pretending to me busy and ignoring me. this went on and on. he intially tried to pacify me and make me understand that i should not doubt and imagine things. he must have tried to make me understand 10 times in a span of 2 months, that he was still my friend. but i kept on fighting with him again and again regarding emails/phone calls/ or just anything.

 

and now utlimately, due to me insecurities, i have lost a friend. he doesnt want to talk to anymore. he said that this is too much for him to handle, the constant fights, he said he's got too many of his own problems, he just doesnt have the energy to deal with my constant doubting, fighting and arguing.

 

i really have lost the only friend i've got. forever. i feel awful. i feel like my world has come to an end. i care about him a lot, i respect that he has his own life.

 

but i am feeling so lonely and sad. moreso angry with myself to have created problems between us because of my own issues. i feel awful. i have lost the most precious friend i had got.

 

i feel lost, what should i do, please tell me

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, SCG.

Since you've already identified your 'issues', I am going to guess that you also already know what you need to do for yourself -- increase your self-esteem and resolve the unhealed trauma(s) at the root of your insecurities.

 

This link may help: http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm

Also, there are also a number of excellent resources under the Adults' Tool Box section at coping.org

 

Best of luck.

[Fun2BMe]

 

i feel lost, what should i do, please tell me

 

First of all, you can't continue acting the same way which judging by your statements is the case. You say he has health and financial problems but you are not even there for him now that HE needs a friend, someone to help him, even if that means giving him his space because he is not in the mental state to help you out 24/7. It sounds like you are a very draining person, and now that you have made a friend, you sucked the life out of him instead of being appreciative of whatever he was willing to offer at his own pace. You took, took took and when he backed off, you bombarded him with phone calls and emails and initiated fights.

 

Maybe one thing you can do to try to repair the damage is to write him an email that acknowledges all your faults, and state it in a way that does not require him to respond. Give him his space, he needs time to get over the anger and annoyance he feels towards you. Leave an open door for him to re-enter your life, and show him you've changed by not following up on the email and backing off, and offering to help HIM and listen to his problems for a change. Friendships go both ways, you can't just take take and take then blow up if he gets tired of it and doesn't want to keep giving. You have to give too, something you haven't learned to do.

[Trialbyfire]

Take a serious look at co-dependency and how it works. Friendships can be giving, loving and receiving, without having to consume another individual. It sounds like you've realized that the issues lie within your self-esteem. This is one step closer to finding and resolving your issues.

 

http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency

[whichwayisup]

The problem is, this friend of yours is married and he can't be there for you all the time. I think you're completely inlove with him and because of that, the friendship is NOT innocent and platonic. In all honesty, him not being in your life is better for you in the long run. No more hurt, jealously, insecure feelings of him not caring enough or being there enough for you..

 

Your world hasn't come to an end, even though it may feel like it, it isn't. Rely on woman friends for support, not a MM.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[Eve]

but i am feeling so lonely and sad. moreso angry with myself to have created problems between us because of my own issues. i feel awful. i have lost the most precious friend i had got.

 

i feel lost, what should i do, please tell me

 

I think it would be wise to spend some time considering all that has happened. Offer an olive branch by all means in some form as mentioned but really I think that you have to come to terms with being with yourself for a while. At least you have experienced in part what it is to have someone care for you - though believing in the attention and care is another matter altogether! I hope that the links provided give some means towards coping with what has happened in your own mind before you approach this person again in person. Maybe once you start on the road to believing that you are worth the attention and love it will be harder for you to sabotage situations as such?

 

All the best,

Eve xx

[bhweller]

now that he has cut off contact you have to leave him alone.

 

do not communicate with him in any way.

 

you learned a lesson and so did he. Its over now so move on.