Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 What Carhill said... Take it breath by breath. All the best, Eve xx Thanks, I'll try it!
norajane Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Well, the friend thing is a little new to me. My ex bf didn't really have any real good friends, just a few. He went out with them occasionally so it was never something that got brought up. Insecurity is something that I'm going to have to struggle with, because of past hurts. It sounds stupid, but I suppose I feel like his friends are "going to take him away from me." I had a short relationship before I met my boyfriend (only like 2-3 months) in which the guy was a total "guys guy." He loved to go out with his friends and get drunk so towards the last month of our relationship he sort of forgot he had a girlfriend and ditched me all the time for his friends. We were going to go out to a nice dinner with another couple where we made reservations, and at the last minute his friend called to ask if he wanted to go to the bar and he said yes, and went to go out with his friends an hour before we were supposed to go to dinner. I got upset and he dumped me. So I'm freaked out something like that will happen again I suppose. I'm sure you can use your powers of analysis to see how the two bf's and relationships are so completely different from each other. In other words, yes, you were hurt by a 2 month relationship, but your 2 year relationship should provide you with more than enough data points to realize your fears are misplaced. In other words, it's time to get over it! 2 month guy is long gone and your bf is nothing like him!
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Well, the friend thing is a little new to me. My ex bf didn't really have any real good friends, just a few. He went out with them occasionally so it was never something that got brought up. Insecurity is something that I'm going to have to struggle with, because of past hurts. It sounds stupid, but I suppose I feel like his friends are "going to take him away from me." I had a short relationship before I met my boyfriend (only like 2-3 months) in which the guy was a total "guys guy." He loved to go out with his friends and get drunk so towards the last month of our relationship he sort of forgot he had a girlfriend and ditched me all the time for his friends. We were going to go out to a nice dinner with another couple where we made reservations, and at the last minute his friend called to ask if he wanted to go to the bar and he said yes, and went to go out with his friends an hour before we were supposed to go to dinner. I got upset and he dumped me. So I'm freaked out something like that will happen again I suppose. You know that no matter what you do, it could happen again. In putting heat on him, it's more likely to happen again, since repetitive negative experiences with a person can erode on a relationship. To what extent do you feel your b/f needs to help you with this issue? Also, stepping back as a therapist, when you perceive negative cycles within your clients, what do you recommend they do about it?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 I'm sure you can use your powers of analysis to see how the two bf's and relationships are so completely different from each other. In other words, yes, you were hurt by a 2 month relationship, but your 2 year relationship should provide you with more than enough data points to realize your fears are misplaced. In other words, it's time to get over it! 2 month guy is long gone and your bf is nothing like him! Yeah they completely are different. I'm going to just need to accept that his friends are a huge part of his life, just as I am. I know he tries, arranging double dates with his work friends, inviting me out to bars with him, so he is trying to help me. And he is, I just get little "pangs of fear" sometimes.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 You know that no matter what you do, it could happen again. In putting heat on him, it's more likely to happen again, since repetitive negative experiences with a person can erode on a relationship. To what extent do you feel your b/f needs to help you with this issue? Also, stepping back as a therapist, when you perceive negative cycles within your clients, what do you recommend they do about it? Addicts are full of negativity. Usually what I will try to do is make them aware of their strengths. Most often they don't even think they have any, because people have just told them how f'ed up they are all their lives. Getting them to look at what they have accomplished in life helps as well. I do a lot of exercises where I ask them to write down 2 positive things that they did that day, and 2 negative things. Then processing the list and discussing what it means helps. My boyfreind has tried to help me by trying to arrange double dates so I don't feel like I'm being left out. And it does help, when he invited me out to the bar it really helped. I told him so also. His one friend is coming over to watch the Steelers game tommorrow and I'm cool with that too.
carhill Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 My boyfreind has tried to help me by trying to arrange double dates so I don't feel like I'm being left out. And it does help, when he invited me out to the bar it really helped. I told him so also. His one friend is coming over to watch the Steelers game tomorrow and I'm cool with that too. You'll know you've arrived when the above has been relegated to a non-issue, in that you don't even think about it. It's just part of your relationship life. Arrange that "friend-blending" party this weekend. Guest lists are fun to make up.
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Addicts are full of negativity. Usually what I will try to do is make them aware of their strengths. Most often they don't even think they have any, because people have just told them how f'ed up they are all their lives. Getting them to look at what they have accomplished in life helps as well. I do a lot of exercises where I ask them to write down 2 positive things that they did that day, and 2 negative things. Then processing the list and discussing what it means helps. My boyfreind has tried to help me by trying to arrange double dates so I don't feel like I'm being left out. And it does help, when he invited me out to the bar it really helped. I told him so also. His one friend is coming over to watch the Steelers game tommorrow and I'm cool with that too. People have to admit they have the issues in the first place and want to make change. Coping tools like the above that you're attempting to accomplish with the addicts, is a rerouting of ingrained wiring. There's also a fine line between enabling and supporting positive aspects. If the addict is determined to justify or defend their way of life, they'll continue their negative cycle. When your b/f does what you want, things are great. When he doesn't, he's cast as the villain. Are you aware that your insecurities cause you to try to control him?
pandagirl Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 I don't have a boyfriend, but all of my good girlfriend are in either serious LTR, engaged, or married. I love their SO's and I see them often. They all have great relationships. For all of my girlfriends, it's very important for them to have their own life, somewhat separate from their SO's, and it's important for their SO's to have their own life, too. And, sure, there is a lot of overlap, but all in all they have no interest in giving up their independence. IMO, your SO is the primary relationship, but that shouldn't mean your life revolves around him/her. That's where problems come in, I think.
carhill Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 IMO, your SO is the primary relationship, but that shouldn't mean your life revolves around him/her. That's where problems come in, I think.So, for you, a SO is like a friend (our lives don't revolve around friends, generally) with whom you have sexual fidelity (we generally don't have sex with platonic friends, at least I don't ). Say your SO needs your undivided attention/support/understanding at the same time a friend does. How do you prioritize that? This is where IMO the issues of the "difference" come into play. If you haven't been married, perhaps this is currently unresolvable. Does prioritizing your SO/spouse mean that your life "revolves" around them? Why? Interesting stuff, though a bit off-topic for the OP On-topic, my wife and I spend maybe two hours together a day, perhaps more so recently since we've been looking at real estate together. I generally spend no more than a few hours a week (face time) with friends. I don't have any expectations of more; neither do they. We each know "things" have to be checked on with our SO's to make sure there are no conflicts. There are usually none. Life goes on
pandagirl Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 So, for you, a SO is like a friend (our lives don't revolve around friends, generally) with whom you have sexual fidelity (we generally don't have sex with platonic friends, at least I don't ). Say your SO needs your undivided attention/support/understanding at the same time a friend does. How do you prioritize that? This is where IMO the issues of the "difference" come into play. If you haven't been married, perhaps this is currently unresolvable. Does prioritizing your SO/spouse mean that your life "revolves" around them? Why? I'm not in a relationship, but I want to consider my SO as a best friend, who yes, I have sex with (and hopefully very good sex)! That's what I've always said: I want to marry my best friend that I want to bone. I have a lot of good friends, and all of them have SO's or are married, so I would think they would only need me, when their SO were not available. Among all of my friends, I have two extremely close, close friends who I have known since childhood. If they ever needed me, I would drop everything and be at their side. They're like family to me. I think you *should* prioritize your relationship with your SO, as it is the main one in your life, but it doesn't mean I'm going to drop my individuality because of it. And whoever I end up with, is going to have to understand that.
carhill Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 I think you *should* prioritize your relationship with your SO, as it is the main one in your life, but it doesn't mean I'm going to drop my individuality because of it. And whoever I end up with, is going to have to understand that. IMO, that's healthy, and I have one more question. When you prioritize another person, do you see a connection to or affect on your individuality? Why? I'm really curious about that part. Do you feel you're "giving up" something when prioritizing someone? In the context of this thread, does the requisite amount of "time" spent with one's spouse/SO as compared to friends indicate a "priority" and does that priority affect one's individuality or sense of the value of one's self? Why? See, now I'm starting to sound like the OP! Time to push back and get some yard work done :D
pandagirl Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 IMO, that's healthy, and I have one more question. When you prioritize another person, do you see a connection to or affect on your individuality? Why? I'm really curious about that part. Do you feel you're "giving up" something when prioritizing someone? In the context of this thread, does the requisite amount of "time" spent with one's spouse/SO as compared to friends indicate a "priority" and does that priority affect one's individuality or sense of the value of one's self? Why? See, now I'm starting to sound like the OP! Time to push back and get some yard work done :D A lot of questions! Well, this is my own personal demon, which I am working on, but I don't want to have to "need" anyone. And I don't want anyone to "need" me. But, I also prioritize people all the time. However, I dont want to put all my eggs in one basket. Hmm. Wonder why I'm single? haha.
oceangrl Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 I see a lot of myself in you lauriebel...Ive been with my bf for 2 years too and I've had to deal with many of the same insecurities that you have--don't we all? Well, I vent all of my insecurities to my older brother. This is how he got through to me after he got sick of listening to all my B.S. : Why do you let that make you unhappy? do you know why you suffer so much in your relationship? Its because of your ego...you want to control your relationship because the relationship has become such a HUGE part of your identity that you want power over it. Power over when he will call, power over when and where he'll take you out, power over when he'll commit to you....power over his behavior. When you can't control your partner, you feel less powerful because you can't control that part of your identity from the relationship. You get frustrated that you have no power over the other person's thoughts/feelings/actions, which have become intertwined with your own identity. So now your ego tells you to try to control it more....and the more you try to control it....the more frustration you feel and that frustration leads to anger....and then depression/sadness sets in. That is why your venting so much of your frustration right now...because you have no power. Don't let anyone influence and control your happiness and don't rely on anyone to make you happy, keep that part of your identity for yourself. When you don't allow others to control your emotions, you get a sense of freedom--a freedom that extends into your relationship. And when the other person feels that freedom of knowing that YOU control your own emotions, they respect you because you have a strong sense of self-identity. They respect you so much that they want to stay with you. I was like... where the hell did you come up with that?! (he usually just says im being stupid to shut me up) He sent me this: Keep in mind, you don't have to be a buddhist to see the logic in this video, you just need an open mind
norajane Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Yeah they completely are different. I'm going to just need to accept that his friends are a huge part of his life, just as I am. I know he tries, arranging double dates with his work friends, inviting me out to bars with him, so he is trying to help me. And he is, I just get little "pangs of fear" sometimes. You make it sound so dreary and like such hard work. LB, if you hadn't been in a LDR, you would have been meeting his friends when you'd go out together, and he'd have been meeting your friends. Two years later, you would have already known these guys for a while, and probably known one or two of them very well, his closest friends. And he'd know all about your BFF, including how many times she broke up with her bf in the middle of the night and called you, and what kind of gym class she's taking. Because of the LDR, you're just now really getting to know each other's friends. Because of the LDR, most of the time when you were together, you were alone with each other. Now you're living together, and suddenly there are all these people around who are in your bf's life. Change your perspective from "I'm going to just need to accept that his friends are a huge part of his life, just as I am." to "Oh, how fun! I can't wait to meet his friends and introduce him to mine." or even, "Oh yeah, bringing these two groups together will be very interesting, ..." Be open to them as your bf's friends - people he chooses to have in his life because they mean something to him. You may not see it now, but 10 years from now, some of those guys will still be around, and they'll have been there when you walked down the aisle, and the night your car broke down and your husband was out of town, and at your baby's christening, and opening the bottle of champagne at your housewarming party at your new house. He matters to his friends, too. They probably are also a little anxious that they might lose their friend to you. It happens over time, especially after they get married and start having children. So look at this as your opportunity to have some fun getting to know his friends and going out with your bf and them and having fun. Fun, LB, fun. Enjoy this, because regardless of what happens, whether you marry him or not, THIS, what you have with your bf right now, this should feel really sweet to you. This is your time to have fun together and FINALLY date like a normal couple who isn't long distance. This is the time for you to blossom as a woman - you're young, you are with your love, you have the job you wanted, and you have so much of life to explore and enjoy. Don't approach his friends with fear. Encourage his friends to come over on Sundays for football. Make them feel welcome in your home. Have that housewarming party. Be the house whose doors are always open to all your friends. You'll find that your fear will go completely away when you blend these guys into your life.
D-Lish Posted October 19, 2008 Posted October 19, 2008 Yeah, I agree with that. Actually it's nice because when you do see your friend after a period of time it's fun because you have lots to talk about!! Unless the friend is pissed off because they have built up resentment over being neglected for so long! I enjoy balance in all my relationships. I Don't need to see my SO everyday, and enjoy seeing my friends as often as I can. My best friend got into a relationship a couple years ago and if I've maybe seen her 10 times in the last two years. We used to see one another twice a week. I wouldn't have had an issue with seeing her a few times a month- but she has zero balance in her relationship. I resent her immensely for this. Seeing friends 1-2 times a week isn't unreasonable. However- if it's every weekend and it's often without you... I would probably take issue with that. My ex husband used to see his buddies every Friday- even if he'd been away on a business trip for a month and was only home for a short time before leaving again. It was important to him to stay in touch- so I joined a baseball league that ran on Friday nights- and a basketball league in the winter. I always thought it was good for both of us to do our own thing. I guess it worked for us as a couple because we both enjoyed that night of doing our own thing. So really- both parties have to be cool with such an arrangement.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 19, 2008 Author Posted October 19, 2008 You make it sound so dreary and like such hard work. LB, if you hadn't been in a LDR, you would have been meeting his friends when you'd go out together, and he'd have been meeting your friends. Two years later, you would have already known these guys for a while, and probably known one or two of them very well, his closest friends. And he'd know all about your BFF, including how many times she broke up with her bf in the middle of the night and called you, and what kind of gym class she's taking. Because of the LDR, you're just now really getting to know each other's friends. Because of the LDR, most of the time when you were together, you were alone with each other. Now you're living together, and suddenly there are all these people around who are in your bf's life. Change your perspective from "I'm going to just need to accept that his friends are a huge part of his life, just as I am." to "Oh, how fun! I can't wait to meet his friends and introduce him to mine." or even, "Oh yeah, bringing these two groups together will be very interesting, ..." Be open to them as your bf's friends - people he chooses to have in his life because they mean something to him. You may not see it now, but 10 years from now, some of those guys will still be around, and they'll have been there when you walked down the aisle, and the night your car broke down and your husband was out of town, and at your baby's christening, and opening the bottle of champagne at your housewarming party at your new house. He matters to his friends, too. They probably are also a little anxious that they might lose their friend to you. It happens over time, especially after they get married and start having children. So look at this as your opportunity to have some fun getting to know his friends and going out with your bf and them and having fun. Fun, LB, fun. Enjoy this, because regardless of what happens, whether you marry him or not, THIS, what you have with your bf right now, this should feel really sweet to you. This is your time to have fun together and FINALLY date like a normal couple who isn't long distance. This is the time for you to blossom as a woman - you're young, you are with your love, you have the job you wanted, and you have so much of life to explore and enjoy. Don't approach his friends with fear. Encourage his friends to come over on Sundays for football. Make them feel welcome in your home. Have that housewarming party. Be the house whose doors are always open to all your friends. You'll find that your fear will go completely away when you blend these guys into your life. I totally took this advice. His best friend came over to watch football the whole day today. I went to the mall for a bit and let them have their guy time, and I also sat and talked with them. They could tell I was a little bored so my boyfriend asked if I wanted to play Scrabble. Of course I kicked their butts! I actually had fun and I know it made my boyfreind happy to spend some time with his friends. Thanks for the advice, it really worked well!
sb129 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 lauriebelle, I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle. Your relationship appears to be a recurring cycle of insecurity, followed by a need to control, followed by drama, followed by some form of resolution where you get what you want. Don't you want something a little less drama filled? Why not break this cycle? When negative cycles continue happening over and over again, sooner or later the relationship is going south. If each time your b/f wants to do something without you and negative drama occurs, how much longer do you think he's going to continue putting up with it? How many more times do you think he's willing to "talk about it"? This isn't to say that your b/f is perfect. He's very immature with the way he handles his friendships and your relationship. One strong positive about your b/f, is that he's very patient and accommodating which usually translates to caring a lot about the other person. Don't abuse this positive. Agreed. LB, I appreciate you have a right to analyse aspects of your R, however I think you over analyse FAR too much. Insecurity and neediness is a relationship killer. That is some advice that you REALLY need to take on board. Your BF clearly loves you and wants to be with you- as TBF says, he is very patient and accommodating, which should allay your fears. A guy that wasn't that into you wouldn't stick around through all the issues you have had over the last two years. Could you RELAX and enjoy your R?
norajane Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 I totally took this advice. His best friend came over to watch football the whole day today. I went to the mall for a bit and let them have their guy time, and I also sat and talked with them. They could tell I was a little bored so my boyfriend asked if I wanted to play Scrabble. Of course I kicked their butts! I actually had fun and I know it made my boyfreind happy to spend some time with his friends. Thanks for the advice, it really worked well! Great. Now please remember that you had fun the next time the subject of his friends comes up. And plan a Halloween party or something.
Trialbyfire Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 Agreed. LB, I appreciate you have a right to analyse aspects of your R, however I think you over analyse FAR too much. Insecurity and neediness is a relationship killer. That is some advice that you REALLY need to take on board. Your BF clearly loves you and wants to be with you- as TBF says, he is very patient and accommodating, which should allay your fears. A guy that wasn't that into you wouldn't stick around through all the issues you have had over the last two years. Could you RELAX and enjoy your R? I totally agree!
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