Lauriebell82 Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 I didn't know where to stick this thread, so I'll put in this this forum. My question for everyone is what is an appropriate amount of time for you to spend with friends vs. time with your SO? I know this will vary from couple to couple, but what does everyone think about this?
Geishawhelk Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 It depends how secure your SO is in your relationship. We don't have a huge circle of friends (read 'minimal') but my partner positively encourages me to see my friends, and I do the same with him. Trust never comes into it. He knows I would never ever do anything behind his back, and I know the same of him. Others might find this unbelievable but honestly? It really isn't an issue at all. Even if we're out on our own, we keep in touch, because when you're out with a bunch of people, sometimes plans change. So we keep each other updated. It's just respectful.
tanbark813 Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 I've generally included my SO in time spent with my friends. My friends generally do the same thing. But, in general, I think time spent with an SO should be more than time spent with friends. A friendship can endure infrequent contact, or less than frequent contact, better than a romantic relationship can.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 It depends how secure your SO is in your relationship. We don't have a huge circle of friends (read 'minimal') but my partner positively encourages me to see my friends, and I do the same with him. Trust never comes into it. He knows I would never ever do anything behind his back, and I know the same of him. Others might find this unbelievable but honestly? It really isn't an issue at all. Even if we're out on our own, we keep in touch, because when you're out with a bunch of people, sometimes plans change. So we keep each other updated. It's just respectful. Thanks for your response. I don't want to have one of those relationships where you spend all your time together and never go out with friends. I guess I just am trying to figure out if there should be a "limit" to this. My bf is going on another "guys night" (he had one last night too, saw him for 5 minutes before he left). tonight. He invited me, but it's going to be like 2 or 3 other guys, so I'm debating on whether or not to go. If I don't go I will not get to spend any time with him tonight again.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 I've generally included my SO in time spent with my friends. My friends generally do the same thing. But, in general, I think time spent with an SO should be more than time spent with friends. A friendship can endure infrequent contact, or less than frequent contact, better than a romantic relationship can. Yeah, I agree with that. Actually it's nice because when you do see your friend after a period of time it's fun because you have lots to talk about!!
Trialbyfire Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 lauriebelle, this is the same issue over and over again. How much time do you feel is appropriate and how much time does your SO feel is appropriate? The two of you need to sit down and reach a compromise. When the compromise is reached, you don't bring it up again unless one of the two of you breach that compromise. Of course there will be extenuating circumstances that cause the breach which should be discussed previous to it happening. Respect his guy time to the compromised degree. He's a social guy with a lot of friends. This is an opportunity for you to go out and get more friends or increase your interests so you're not relying on him to entertain you. In my past marriage, sometimes we spent a lot of time together and other times, we spent very little. We were both career driven, doing long hours outside the home, with friends in common and friends not in common. Nothing was cast in stone since we were both comfortable with spending 24/7 together or reserving one day a week together.
Lishy Posted October 16, 2008 Posted October 16, 2008 I dont think you should have set amounts of time to see your SO and I do not think it is healthy to worry because you may not see them for 2 nights in a row LB I think he asked you to go simply because he knew you could get upset and not because he wants you to go - He is going with the boys, they will NOT appreciate you being there, trust me! Just let him go out with his friends and make plan with your own friends. I honestly do not believe we should be joined at the hip just because we are in a relationship Friends are important and they will be around alot longer then some guys we meet!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 16, 2008 Author Posted October 16, 2008 I dont think you should have set amounts of time to see your SO and I do not think it is healthy to worry because you may not see them for 2 nights in a row LB I think he asked you to go simply because he knew you could get upset and not because he wants you to go - He is going with the boys, they will NOT appreciate you being there, trust me! Just let him go out with his friends and make plan with your own friends. I honestly do not believe we should be joined at the hip just because we are in a relationship Friends are important and they will be around alot longer then some guys we meet! I have gone to the bar before when it was just him and 2 guys (one guy's wife was supposed to come). None of them seemed to care much. Besides, he went out with last week when it was "just guys." He said I am welcome to come so I said I would. He said it's not a big deal that they won't really care. If he didn't want me to come and it was just a "guys thing" he wouldn't have invited me. He didn't invite me to his "guy thing" last night. (I didn't really care either). Actually last weekend we made plans to go to a bar with one of my friends and my boyfriend. So it was a "girls night" turned guys night. But I see your point. I even told him last night that I didn't have to come if it was a guys night and he invited me anyway! One time I went with him and his freinds he actually told me he was glad that I came. My bf is a good guy he wouldn't invite me if he didn't want me there.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 17, 2008 Author Posted October 17, 2008 How did the night go? Great! We had fun. There were 3 guys, but one had to leave before I got there. My BF said his friend was disappointed because he couldn't meet me! My BF asked me if I had fun afterwards also! I met them there after my work out class, so he had about 1 hour of guy time before I arrived. So it all worked out!
Trialbyfire Posted October 17, 2008 Posted October 17, 2008 lauriebelle, I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle. Your relationship appears to be a recurring cycle of insecurity, followed by a need to control, followed by drama, followed by some form of resolution where you get what you want. Don't you want something a little less drama filled? Why not break this cycle? When negative cycles continue happening over and over again, sooner or later the relationship is going south. If each time your b/f wants to do something without you and negative drama occurs, how much longer do you think he's going to continue putting up with it? How many more times do you think he's willing to "talk about it"? This isn't to say that your b/f is perfect. He's very immature with the way he handles his friendships and your relationship. One strong positive about your b/f, is that he's very patient and accommodating which usually translates to caring a lot about the other person. Don't abuse this positive.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 lauriebelle, I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle. Your relationship appears to be a recurring cycle of insecurity, followed by a need to control, followed by drama, followed by some form of resolution where you get what you want. Don't you want something a little less drama filled? Why not break this cycle? When negative cycles continue happening over and over again, sooner or later the relationship is going south. If each time your b/f wants to do something without you and negative drama occurs, how much longer do you think he's going to continue putting up with it? How many more times do you think he's willing to "talk about it"? This isn't to say that your b/f is perfect. He's very immature with the way he handles his friendships and your relationship. One strong positive about your b/f, is that he's very patient and accommodating which usually translates to caring a lot about the other person. Don't abuse this positive. Wait, where did I say I gave him a hard time? This thread wasn't even designed to stir up issues in my life..sheesh. The question was just balancing friends vs. relationship..EVERYONE has to work that out.
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Wait, where did I say I gave him a hard time? This thread wasn't even designed to stir up issues in my life..sheesh. The question was just balancing friends vs. relationship..EVERYONE has to work that out. How long have you two been together in an exclusive relationship? How long have you been living together?
Lizzie60 Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 I didn't know where to stick this thread, so I'll put in this this forum. My question for everyone is what is an appropriate amount of time for you to spend with friends vs. time with your SO? I know this will vary from couple to couple, but what does everyone think about this? It depends.. If I'm bored with my SO then I will spend more time outside with my friends.. BUT... the main thing is to NEVER abandon your friends becauseof your SO.. friends are for life.. not SO.
carhill Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 OP, do you consider your BF your "primary" relationship? Does he (the reverse)? IMO, this is important. There are some people who live together, are married, etc, and don't consider their SO/spouse their primary relationship. I call these relationships of convenience, that being sharing of finances, sex and a modicum of security in varying degrees. If, as Lizzie says, such relationships are transitory and friends are for life, you better be clear that you and your partner of convenience are on the same page. Personally, I consider my marriage my primary relationship. It supercedes, when push comes to shove, family and friends. It does not replace family and friends. Do you understand what that means? I expect the same commitment from my wife. That dynamic is non-negotiable for me. If the primary relationship is not the priority, I'd rather be single. This was an important issue in MC as I felt our marriage wasn't getting the respect from my wife that it should. It doesn't make her wrong, merely philosophically incompatible with me. Does that make sense? Personally, I think your education and job type are causing you to over-think things, much as I catch myself doing the same. MC taught me tools to compartmentalize the analysis away from the relationship and "live" the relationship. I think you may be having a hard time with that right now. I hope it works out
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 How long have you two been together in an exclusive relationship? How long have you been living together? Over 2 years in relationship, 5 months living together.
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Over 2 years in relationship, 5 months living together. Do you feel the length of time you've been working this out, whether you communicate your insecurities to him or not, has been good for your relationship?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 OP, do you consider your BF your "primary" relationship? Does he (the reverse)? IMO, this is important. There are some people who live together, are married, etc, and don't consider their SO/spouse their primary relationship. I call these relationships of convenience, that being sharing of finances, sex and a modicum of security in varying degrees. If, as Lizzie says, such relationships are transitory and friends are for life, you better be clear that you and your partner of convenience are on the same page. Personally, I consider my marriage my primary relationship. It supercedes, when push comes to shove, family and friends. It does not replace family and friends. Do you understand what that means? I expect the same commitment from my wife. That dynamic is non-negotiable for me. If the primary relationship is not the priority, I'd rather be single. This was an important issue in MC as I felt our marriage wasn't getting the respect from my wife that it should. It doesn't make her wrong, merely philosophically incompatible with me. Does that make sense? Personally, I think your education and job type are causing you to over-think things, much as I catch myself doing the same. MC taught me tools to compartmentalize the analysis away from the relationship and "live" the relationship. I think you may be having a hard time with that right now. I hope it works out Well, since I live with my boyfriend and spend more time with him than anyone else, I suppose he would be my "primary relationship." However both of our friends (his good friends/ my good friends) are very important to us as well. I have been struggling since my best friend moved to California in May, and my bf knows this and has been very supportive. I have another friend who I hang out with, so I do spend time with other people besides him. I think we have a pretty good balance, and actually we like to go out with friends together as well. Last weekend we went to a bar with my girlfriend and him, then Thursday night I went to a bar with him and his guy friend. You are right I have trouble "living in the relationship" instead of trying to solve things all the time. I suppose my profession has naturally taught me to think that way. I'm trying though! My boyfriend actually may have something up his sleeve, we went out to dinner last night and he started talking about proposals and engagements and stuff. He asked me a bunch of generic questions like "Well, how long do you think a good length of engagement is?" and "What about being proposed to in front of a bunch of people or just alone?" I really tried not to get myself worked up, actually I played it very cool and just generically answered his questions. And he seriously talked about it the entire dinner! He had this weird smile on his face and I asked him what he was thinking about and he said "oh that's a secret." So whatever I am not going to even mention anything about it from now on. Sounds like he is cooking something up though.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 Do you feel the length of time you've been working this out, whether you communicate your insecurities to him or not, has been good for your relationship? Well we have learned how to communicate better to each other our feelings about certain issues, so now we don't start yelling or screaming we just talk it out. Our relationship isn't perfect of course, and we do have things we have conflict over, but we don't let it break our relationship. So actually the fact that we are still together after what happened a few years ago says that yeah it has been good for our relationship, because it pretty much saved it.
carhill Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 My boyfriend actually may have something up his sleeve, we went out to dinner last night and he started talking about proposals and engagements and stuff. He asked me a bunch of generic questions like "Well, how long do you think a good length of engagement is?" and "What about being proposed to in front of a bunch of people or just alone?" I really tried not to get myself worked up, actually I played it very cool and just generically answered his questions. And he seriously talked about it the entire dinner! He had this weird smile on his face and I asked him what he was thinking about and he said "oh that's a secret." So whatever I am not going to even mention anything about it from now on. Sounds like he is cooking something up though. OK, homework. Do not analyze this. Leave it alone. Do not assign psychological profile indicators to it. Forget the conversation happened. Live the relationship
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 Well we have learned how to communicate better to each other our feelings about certain issues, so now we don't start yelling or screaming we just talk it out. Our relationship isn't perfect of course, and we do have things we have conflict over, but we don't let it break our relationship. So actually the fact that we are still together after what happened a few years ago says that yeah it has been good for our relationship, because it pretty much saved it. Is this the type of relationship you want? Always feeling insecurity about his friendships? As a therapist, do you feel that this is a good way to live and handle a relationship? Also, as a therapist, have you ever self-audited, trying to figure out where these insecurities come from, that you would feel threatened by his friends?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 OK, homework. Do not analyze this. Leave it alone. Do not assign psychological profile indicators to it. Forget the conversation happened. Live the relationship Yes, definately. 100 % agree! That was actually my plan, to just forget about it and let whatever is going to happen, happen. Tough for a counselor to do, but I'm up for it.
norajane Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 You don't have to feel apprehensive about hanging out with his friends. If you two do get married, they are going to be a part of your life, just as your friends will be a part of his. Try blending the groups - have a party where you invite your friends and he invites his. Do a little housewarming thing where you gather all the important people in your lives and make them a part of your 'couple' life. And when he invites you out with his friends, invite your gf's to join you, too. This can be FUN instead of anxiety-inducing! While you will always have nights where he goes out with his buddies alone, and you go out with your friends alone, try to think of yourselves as a team rather than he and me. None of this stuff should be such an issue that you have to wonder if you're doing the right thing. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and give yourself some credit - if he invites you, he wants you there.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted October 18, 2008 Author Posted October 18, 2008 Is this the type of relationship you want? Always feeling insecurity about his friendships? As a therapist, do you feel that this is a good way to live and handle a relationship? Also, as a therapist, have you ever self-audited, trying to figure out where these insecurities come from, that you would feel threatened by his friends? Well, the friend thing is a little new to me. My ex bf didn't really have any real good friends, just a few. He went out with them occasionally so it was never something that got brought up. Insecurity is something that I'm going to have to struggle with, because of past hurts. It sounds stupid, but I suppose I feel like his friends are "going to take him away from me." I had a short relationship before I met my boyfriend (only like 2-3 months) in which the guy was a total "guys guy." He loved to go out with his friends and get drunk so towards the last month of our relationship he sort of forgot he had a girlfriend and ditched me all the time for his friends. We were going to go out to a nice dinner with another couple where we made reservations, and at the last minute his friend called to ask if he wanted to go to the bar and he said yes, and went to go out with his friends an hour before we were supposed to go to dinner. I got upset and he dumped me. So I'm freaked out something like that will happen again I suppose.
Eve Posted October 18, 2008 Posted October 18, 2008 What Carhill said... Take it breath by breath. All the best, Eve xx
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