Author Fell_on_black_days Posted October 20, 2008 Author Posted October 20, 2008 JJ33, to be honest ive wanted to end things many times, even before the cheating and before i even moved to Egypt with him. i was a big commitment phobic before i met him. he was that guy that i wanted to settle with. and as much as there has been issues with, i havent mentioned any of his good qualities too, if i start to just sneeze, he's right there with hot tea and a blanket. if im having a bad day at work, he's the one that cheers me up and doesnt mind that i get it out on him. he talks about how smart and great i am to his family all the time, even when he thinks i cant hear him. just to name a few. i know it might have been different for my dad, he is much more open minded than my husband, and yet again he was like my husband when he first came to the states as well. the thing is, this is a marriage and i dont want to make any rash or quick decisions to end things, before i see what happens when we go to the states, the lifestyle is a complete 180 than egypt. and i think it wouldnt be fair to not give him and myself and our relationship a chance there. am i just making excuses for myself, or does that seem like a rational decision? i think its the least and most i can do for us. if it doesnt work out there, or if things dont change i will be singing a different tune. but i have to at least try. am i just being desperate or is this what a sane person would do?
Author Fell_on_black_days Posted October 20, 2008 Author Posted October 20, 2008 another thing that just accoured to me, because i was having tea with my sister in law. which i dont see much of her at all because she lives in a different city. here i am trying to convince my husband of how a western woman thinks, trying to explain women's rights and get him to see the equality of man and woman in a relationship, and it seems every time i make a dent something happens i dont know what and he goes back to how he was before. and now i know the source HIS MOTHER AND SISTER!! how can he see my point of view when everytime he see's his mom or sister they practically bow down to him. here are 2 very very old fashioned and traditional, 2 women he grew up, known and trusted all his life. and here i am, a new comer trying to change everything around in one year. it convinces me that things will be better in the states, without these 2 evil women dictating in his ear and ifluencing his thoughts and decisions. i dont want to manipulate him but i know that is what they do to him because they never really liked my western ways.
jj33 Posted October 20, 2008 Posted October 20, 2008 you love this manand he loves you. In Sharm you relationship will never be what you want it to be. You know that. Will it be what you want it to be if you move back to the US? Only time will tell. but it sounds like you owe it to yourself to find out (and use triple birth control) and if he is able to open his mind in a year or two after being there then it will be OK. But its a long road. You know that though. Is your Dad still alive? What does he say? Or your mother. They would be great sources of wisdom on this subject. Am guessing you have already discussed it with them. The other thing is sometimes when people come from our background we assume they view the rules the way we do. We dont allow for different points of view in the same way we would with someone from a different background. Much as you have spoken to him about what you need and want, he may assume because you are alos Muslim and your father is Egyptian, that you "get" the way things are and tho you may balk at certain things that deep down you appreciate that this is just the way it is... Though your views are worlds apart on certain issues, he does not view you as a foreigner in the same way he would if you were say a catholic girl from california. I think sometimes we take more time to communicate on these issues with people who are less like us than we do with those from the same background we assume similarity and understanding where sometimes it does not exist. Not sure if that makes sense but I hope you know what I mean.
Author Fell_on_black_days Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Sorry i have been away for a while, but yes JJ33, i know exactly what you mean and i never even thought of that, but you are very right. the fact that i am half egyptian, we never thought to discuss the differences in our cultures and upbringing, assuming if its not the same than it is very similar. later we discover it is not. althought i have always known that i am not a traditional egyptian or muslim in the same sense that he is, i never discussed it that much or made it an issue. i know our relationship here in Sharm will never be what i want it to be or what he wants it to be either. at giving it one more try is the least i can do. Discussing these issues with my father which im very close to, he understands my frustrations of living in this country, and how i feel like an outkast. and he even spoke with my husband a few times to try to make him understand how difficult it is for me. giving him another point of view than my own. although my husband has been very patient and understanding in that regards. im going home in 3 weeks, and he will be following me shortly. im sure this new start will bring on a whole new prespective for him and for us. i really appreciate all the advice and support from you, you have been great, thank you and God bless.
Syrrah Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I agree with Enema, you can't expect him to be a mind reader. My partner and I after some frustration came up with a roster. It's there on the fridge so no excuses for not knowing who's turn it is... I'm a complete neat freak but relationship means compromise, so I have, I've also not caved, if it's his turn to do the dishes and he doesn't I leave them to pile up until he does, as cringe worthy as I find this, he's realised it's easier to do them on time than to wash however many days dishes later. It's silly that housework being shared can cause such issues, I know, but trust me it does, along with finances, children and how they should be raised. Before you even think of having children if I was you I'd get what you expect from the relationship, sorted out with what he expects from the relationship. If you can't both compromise, I'd take a long hard look at your relationship. You can't go into any relationship thinking you can change a person, they are who they are, it's getting you both to the stage where you can co-exist with each others habits. Good luck to you both Sy
justpassingthrough Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 i am half egyptian, we never thought to discuss the differences in our cultures and upbringing, assuming if its not the same than it is very similar. later we discover it is not. althought i have always known that i am not a traditional egyptian or muslim in the same sense that he is, i never discussed it that much or made it an issue. He's not a "traditional Egyptian man." If he was, he would not have been out bagging one night stands. If he was, he would not have even considered marrying a woman from the west. Granted, your heritage is Egyptian, but you're still American. If he was, he would have married whoever his mother and father told him he was going to marry. And, finally, if he was, it would be likely he would marry a cousin to keep the money and property he'll inherit in the family. No, he's not traditional, not as an Egyptian. So don't try to excuse his behavior away like that. There is no reason he can't help around the house. A lot of Egyptian men do. And so can he. At the very least he can pick up after himself. As far as the visa goes, ask yourself this: Are you willing to be financially responsible for this man for the next ten years?
jj33 Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Just Passing THrough I agree he is not a traditional Egyptian man in the strictest sense but he was raised in an environment which is very different than FOBD's and he may have certain cultural expectations even if he engages in behavior that would traditionally be "haroum". And he has his mother and sisters encouraging certain expectations. Either he will go to the US and things will be easier or he will go there and be wowed by the panoply of choices and the more permissive for lack of a better word, lifestyle. Only time will tell but at least FOBD will be in an environment that is more comfortable for her.
mental_traveller Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 Missing one red flag might be forgiveable, but when the track marshals are waving dozens of them at every corner, even the most short-sighted driver has to see that their race is over. The guy cheats on you, is a slob, won't pull his weight, and expects you to be a traditional submissive 3rd world wife. It doesn't taken Einstein to see what's wrong with this situation. Divorce already and move back to the USA, then find a husband who isn't 100% incompatible with you.
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