Will this feeling ever go away?!

[Fell_on_black_days]

Hello everybody

 

This is a little weird for me, i haven't spoken to anybody about this since it happend and not with so much honesty as i am about to now.

 

I have been married for about 2 years, but since my husband lives in Egypt and i live in the states, the first year of our marriage has been consisting of me going back and forth visiting him. Now ive been living with him here for a year. At first it was great, never happier, it took me a while to adapt and i admit i got alot of my frustrations out on him, and he was nothing but supportive and helpful, he understood where my anger was coming from and never lost his temper or gave up on me.

 

A few months ago, while me and him were doing great and never better, i found out he cheated on me, with a stranger, i found text messages on his phone. i confronted him and made for my bags to pack and leave. he stopped me, begging me over and over, even crying, that he was sorry and that it was a mistake and he would never do it again, that he was feeling confused and that when it had happend me and him had been fighting for a day or 2 (not like that's an excuse) blah blah blah.

 

i ended up going to another city for 10 days to think things over, and during that time he would call me often and he started to accept the fact that i was leaving him and said how he didnt blame me, that he deserved it.

 

long story short i came back to him, believing that he had learned his lesson and wouldnt do this to me again.

 

its been 7 months since that situation, and i have not been the same, im jealous of everything and suspect him doing something everytime he goes out. i question and interogate him constantly and i hate how i have become, and when i do act this way, he tells me that he knows its his fault that he brought on this behaviour, but he will prove to me that he is faithful and will always be.

 

before i was never the jealous type, i didnt even mind if he engaged in harmless chit chat or flirting with women from work, even though he didn't. but now im a maniac, and when he is gone for a few days for work i call him all the time demanding to know what he's doing. and sometimes he gets fed up with it. but i cant help it.

 

i truley love him but i feel like i will never let this go, and that it might happen again and i wont know. What scares me the most, is that before he met me, he knew many women, he never had a serious gf except one, but he slept with many women, friends with benefits, one night stands so on and so on. and i used to think that this was a good thing that he obviously had his share and is ready to settle down, but now im starting to think that old habits die hard. even though he tells me that he doesnt miss being like that and that he is happier now.

 

im confused and torn i dont know what to believe, will i ever truly let this go and move on, will i really ever forgive him? will i ever forget. he didnt have any reason to do it the first time, will he do it again. Ive become so paranoid that im avoiding the subject of children all together, im scared if we have children i will be so wrapped up in it, i will possibly not look the same and my body will change and i wont be giving him attention like i used to, im scared he might then go find it somewhere else. i cant believe im thinking like this but i feel my mission has become to hold on to him and keep him from straying again.

 

 

sorry for this being so long, please forgive a woman in distress.

[Geishawhelk]

Hello .....he was sorry and that it was a mistake and he would never do it again, that he was feeling confused and that when it had happend me and him had been fighting for a day or 2 (not like that's an excuse) blah blah blah.

 

 

long story short i came back to him, believing that he had learned his lesson and wouldnt do this to me again.

 

From what you say above, I get the impression that you don't believe him at all....

 

its been 7 months since that situation, and i have not been the same, im jealous of everything and suspect him doing something everytime he goes out. i question and interogate him constantly and i hate how i have become, and when i do act this way, he tells me that he knows its his fault that he brought on this behaviour, but he will prove to me that he is faithful and will always be.

 

And based upon this, it confiorms my suspicions.

You don't trust him any more.

As far as you could throw him.

 

i truley love him but i feel like i will never let this go, and that it might happen again and i wont know.

You're right. You won't.

And the distance is irrelevant. people cheat on people they live with.

 

What scares me the most, is that before he met me, he knew many women, he never had a serious gf except one, but he slept with many women, friends with benefits, one night stands so on and so on. and i used to think that this was a good thing that he obviously had his share and is ready to settle down, but now im starting to think that old habits die hard. even though he tells me that he doesnt miss being like that and that he is happier now.

 

This is what's known as a 'Red Flag'....

 

im confused and torn i dont know what to believe, will i ever truly let this go and move on, will i really ever forgive him?

 

Only if you want to.

The big problem is not the belief.

It's the trust.

And because the Trust has gone, he could lie on hot coals for you, it still wouldn't be enough.

 

will i ever forget.

No.

 

he didnt have any reason to do it the first time, will he do it again.

Of course he had a reason.

There's always a reason.

people don't do things like this without reason.

I've said it before, and I'll always say it:

All this - "It just happened, I didn't mean it, I couldn't help it" is utter, utter tosh. Complete BS.

People are equipped with will-power. It's how people stop smokng, drinking, taking drugs - and cheating. You know you want to, but you don't. Simple.

The reason he did it was because he could. He didn't have you there, he felt like having sex, he missed the attention, he wanted physical release.... he got it.

 

Ive become so paranoid that im avoiding the subject of children all together, im scared if we have children i will be so wrapped up in it, i will possibly not look the same and my body will change and i wont be giving him attention like i used to, im scared he might then go find it somewhere else. i cant believe im thinking like this but i feel my mission has become to hold on to him and keep him from straying again.

 

Right.

Stop that, this minute.

This isn't about you, or your shortcomings. It's about him.

he's married to you, and he cheated. Frankly, he couldn't keep it in his pants.

If he's cheated on you now, then whether you have kids or not, keep your figure or whatever, won't make a blind bit of difference.

Don't let this become your mistake in your mind.

it's nothing of the sort.

 

Holding him and stopping him from straying, is his job, not yours.

And until he can regain your trust, it always will be.

 

 

sorry for this being so long, please forgive a woman in distress.

 

Vent sll you wqnt. That's waht we're here for.

But as for the guilt, it belongs to him, not you.

[2sure]

What you are dealing with is the tangible pain and change that an affair brings on. You and the marriage are the victim and have been truly violated. When I caught my H cheating I was able to forgive the infidelity...but what I really mourned was the loss of trust. The loss of feeling safe and secure and trusting. I hated the way his affair made ME change. I felt he really took something from me. And he did.

 

With time, I have become more trusting and less anxious. I do believe we are recovering. It has been a year. This site has helped volumes.

 

The hardest thing for me, because we werent married long when it happened...was that we had not yet had a chance to build up a solid foundation of good history. I felt were struggling at the gate,so...

 

Anyway, for my own reasons , both emotional and practical, I decided to stay. I am very happy - but must admit , if my personal circumstances had been different (like I didnt have a child) I would probably have not been so motivated to make it work. Only the future will tell if I will regret my choice.

 

So, what you are feeling is right and normal. It will however pass if your relationship is strong.

[Owl]

You don't trust him...and that's hardly surprising.

 

He DESTROYED any trust that you had in him with his affair.

 

And there hasn't been sufficient time or effort on his part to rebuild that trust. He's got to demonstrate his trustworthiness to you all over again. That means he's got to willingly show you that he's changed. Not tell you...SHOW you.

 

By becoming an open book. No more hiding ANYTHING. No more hiding his cell, his email and computer history should be open to you at any time, as well as anything else you want to see.

 

And he needs to do this WILLINGLY.

 

He needs to acknowledge that he has to rebuild that trust.

 

I realize that you're in Egypt, and I'm not sure what English speaking marriage counseling would be available where you're at (not sure if you're in a major city, or what)...but if you can find it, it would likely help a lot. Look for one that is 'marriagebuilders' based if at all possible.

 

Take a look at the book "Surviving an Affair"...it can give you some good advice on how to work through this phase of recovery.

[2sure]

Having been and still walking in , your shoes. I have to agree with Geisha - she said it all in black & white. While I believe we are recovering - it will always be there to a degree. In fact, even when Im feeling very trusting and warm and fuzzy - I still think: WTF?

[Fell_on_black_days]

Ladies

 

first of all let me thank you for replying, i dont even know you guys, but appreciate the time you took to help me with this issue.

 

first i would like to point out to gheishawhelk, that when he cheated on me i was IN egypt with him, i wasnt in the states, actually things were great with us that first year when i used to come for visits every 2 or 3 months, ofcourse they would be, we were on vacation, but this happend after i came to live with him, about 6 months into it.

 

FYI we are going back to the states together, i only came to egypt to stay with him untill his paperwork for his visa would be done, and i have my business, my father and my whole life back in CA.

 

i agree with all of what you ladies have said, and 2SURE i know exactly what you mean, when you feel all warm and fuzzy and then think WTF? happens all the time.

 

and its crazy how HIS affair made ME feel this way, making me insecure and doubting things and thinking this. Ladies before i married him, actually before i came to live in egypt with him i was something totally different, i was confident and very assured in myself, i was running a business and a very powerful woman. needless to say that before i settled down i was never short of men, i never cheated on anybody and nobody ever cheated on me, simply because i never got that close to anybody, i didnt want to commit, i liked having options and i was younger and enjoying myself, i didnt have one serious bf for about 4 years, but we simply were going in different directions and the break up was mutual.

 

now that my husband has cheated, i feel so insecure, belive it or not i get a little jealous when he points out how a pretty or breautiful an actress or singer on tv is, i mean its a celebrity for gods sake, you dont get jelous from that!! and especially me, the jealous type? unbelievable. i hate how insecure and needy and clingy i have become and i know its not all his fault, its living here and not speaking the language or knowing my way around so much its frustrating and other foriegn women i meet here feel the same. i just hope when i do go back to the states things will change and i can go back to how i was, maybe that will help in me getting over what happend.

 

we dont bring it up as often anymore, but it still lingers. and when i make to get his phone while its ringing and checking the number before handing it to him, he says nothing, he is ok with it. he doesnt try to hide things which is a good sign, but me beingmy paranoid self is just thinking....' well maybe hes gotten too smart for me this time?"

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, sorry about the misunderstanding.

I take it he is Egyptian...? (needing a Visa....)

 

Clash of ciltures could be part of the reasoning, but it doesn't entirely wash... being unfaithful and cheating is the same the world over, so it might be a factor in mental conditioning, but there again, it may not....

 

However, i know you're having other issues with this guy in the Domestics department...!

 

Really you know, the ball is bouncing in your court.

First of all, you need to sincerely understand, in all honesty, that this should be making you feel cheated, insulted, used, indignant and plain angry.

But it should not be affecting your confidence and self-esteem to the point that you're turning the focus on what you think/do/say.

Like we've said: this stems from his attitude and behaviour, not yours.

 

Secondly, you have to decide what's more important: whether you can see this flourishing and improving, or whether you think you'd be happier cutting lose and calling a halt to it all.

if you go for the former, it might be worth considering individual counselling for yourself, to get your thoughts straight, as well as couples counselling for the both of you.

[2sure]

Ah. You hate feeling like a victim as much as myself. I get it.

Usually, the best advice would be to make HIM and anyone else involved the victim of his actions.

 

In your case, you have to come to the mindset that this is HIS flaw. Everyone has them, and this is his. Tell him you will help him deal with it, but HE has to take real action to solve HIS proble,. Complete transparency and a therapist.

[Reggie]

I read this on a website by a couple called Wayne and Tamara. Thye have pretty strong views oninfidelity and the damage it causes. It rang true to me

 

Seems that most of us have an innate desire to be loved by our spouse exclusively, at least the ramantic type of love. When a spouse has an affair, it is concrete evidence that his or her love is not exclusive to you. You can be repalced. You are fungible, etc.

Once this genie is out of the bottle, the clear evidence that one's spous's love is not exclusive to him or her, we mourn the fact that we will never have what we truly desire if we stay in a relationship with this person.

I also agree that trust is gone. A WS , once again, has shown the Bs that , under the right circumstances, he or she will abandon the BS. Affairs occur, many times, when the marriage is not going all that well. So, the Bs now has evidence that if other types of things go wrong, like health issues or finances, there is a decent chance the Ws will throw the Bs under the bus.

If you do not have kids,(and even if you do), try to take a good hard look at the vision of your future life and what it will be like with the knowledge you now have. You might think twice about options other than staying in this marriage.

[2sure]

Reggie -

 

I would very much like it if you could refer me directly to the website you mentioned. What you have stated speaks volumes as to my own feelings. I would like to have my husband read that because it explains the feelings I had (and still do) after his A, so much better than I ever could.

[Federica]

PM this to her, Reggie, please. Not on forum. Thanks.