Insecurity from prior R bleeding into current...

[AriaIncognito]

I'm not exactly sure which forum this is appropriate in, but this one felt best as the insecurity probably reads as jealousy or control issues or something.

 

I dated a guy for 18 months off and on, and it finally ended in May of 2007. The beginning of 2008, I started dating a man. And well, he's never given me a reason to flip out, honestly. However, I find myself reacting to him, due to my exes past behaviors. Whenever my bf exhibits any sort of behavior that i interpret as similar to my ex, I immediately go into defensive mode and start questioning.

 

I feel it happening. The insecurity. I logically know that they are 2 different people. I however can't seem to control my pavlovian responses to situations. My bf is currently away for work, and he contacts me and gives me no reason to think anything is wrong, but yet I find myself picking through his words trying to figure out where he might possibly be hiding something.

 

I hate it. I hate that my ex has me conditioned to be so untrustworthy. I used to be very trusting of people, and well, maybe that isn't the best either, but I'd rather that, than this to be honest.

 

So I guess my question is, how do you deprogram yourself? Is it going to be me just always going insane like this and then explaining myself to him and hoping he'll continue to deal with it until I get through it? Or is this something I need to stop telling him about and try to work through alone? I honestly don't know. Up to this point so far, I've always tried to explain when I have strong negative reactions to things that don't warrant the reaction.

 

I've never wanted to erase an ex as much as my last ex. He certainly did a number on me. I might have a great guy right now, but I don't let myself enjoy it because I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated. I honestly don't know how to deprogram myself, other than through time and working through it by telling him why I react as I do.

[Lovelybird]

Hi, I was used to be jealous, and my brother had issue of jealous, but I think I am getting better, and being set free from it. I don't know if this can help you, but I will tell you how I overcame it with help of God. If you can find it helpful, that would be great

 

One day I saw a verse in bible, jealousy is a sin ! I had no idea it can be called sin. It is a bit funny Bible tells about how a man remove his jealousy so he can be free from sinning against God. Then I read an article, it says jealousy is "evil forboding", why call it "evil forboding"? something didn't happen, but one person predict "bad result". In your case, you don't have proof that your bf cheats on you, you only predict it, right? I know all these theories, I know I should work on myself and control the "evil forboding", but somehow I couldn't.

 

One day I got very upset, and began to pray, God revealed me something shocked me. First, HE said I didn't really get how much I am valued by HIM, didn't get how much my worth is in HIM (Jesus), HE said your worth is big enough for me to die for you. HE also showed me that I let man define me. IN your case, you specially do this. You let your ex define who you are, his cheating made you think somehow it is your fault, his losing interesting you think because you don't worth his love. You tie your worth with his love. And now you tie your worth with your new bf's love and faithfulness. That's why you are so controlling and easily freak out. Unless you deal with this, you would feel like a weak plant, no root, a bit wind would blow you off from ground. Where do you tie your worth? man's love and faithfulness or God's love and faithfulness? If you tie your worth with your own ability and own beauty, that cause pride, which hinder relationship with others.

Why this revelation shocked me that much? I know it in my head, but didn't sink into my heart. I know it, but didn't really get it.

 

Second, Lord also showed me that, I became jealous of a man, because I don't know how much I am valued in that man's heart. Lord drew a picture in my heart, it was like several volumes. IF The volume of me in that man's heart is the second largest one, the largest one is for God, and this man's volume in my heart is the second largest one, then the man is the right man for me. If my volume occupe that much, then I have no worry he might cheat on me. and I am confident that God is bringing him closer to me each day.

 

Anyway through God's guidance and revelation, I am getting better. I am already set free from the moment I was saved, now only I need to renew my mind, so my mind can be closer to God's mind and have a victorious life.

[Geishawhelk]

AriaIncognito, I think you need to reveal this insecurity to your new BF.

You need to communicate with him, and be completely open and up-front. Let's face it, if you expect transparency from him, the least you could do, is to return the favour.

Tell him you know it's a flaw, but that it's come about as a result of having been badly burned before.

You're really sorry to sound so suspicious, but you promise to try to ease off, and be alert and receptive to his 'flagging' you for it.

All you need from him - all you ask - is honesty and respect.

You really want this to work, you feel so happy and so comfortable with him, you don't want to sabotage the relationsghip. Would he help you?

 

How's that?

[AriaIncognito]

I've been trying to be upfront with him about things. In the past, when I've had an insecurity like this, I've followed it up by explaining why I've reacted as I have. But I don't know, maybe it just doesn't stick in his brain that it's still occurring in me since we've been together for a bit now. I'll reiterate it to him again, but his being away right now makes that hard. He comes home on Sunday. We had a conversation on the phone last night that just totally set me off in an insecure frenzy, but my problem is, I wonder how much of my insecurity is valid in this case, and how much of it is just from the ex and applying my issues from him.

 

Of course today I'm a bit of a nervous nelly wondering what he's thinking of it all. If he thinks I'm insane. If he still cares. Etc.

 

I love it. Not.

[AriaIncognito]

I talked to him about it today. I explained my reactions and what happened and he was sympathetic but also said that I need to trust him. And he's right, I do. I said I will do my best, but that I might need some reassurance from him.

 

I'm glad that I talked to him about it, and that we are OK. It's going to take a lot of work on my part, but I hope he'll be willing to stick by my side as I deal with it. It sucks that sometimes current loves have to deal with the aftermath of past loves and their hurt.

 

I hope that someday, he no longer has to deal with that.

[Trialbyfire]

aria, as difficult as it is, you say to yourself, "If they're going to cheat, it will happen and there's nothing I can do to stop it. The best thing I can do for myself is that if they do it, walk away and never look back". Let him know in a non-confrontational fashion that this is your attitude, that he risks loss if he takes that route.

 

Having said that, there's no way on god's green earth that I will ever attach myself to someone else who needs a lot of opposite gender external validation, a man with women all over him.

 

If your b/f isn't this type of man, more than likely he won't cheat. Even if he doesn't have women all over him, that horrible NEED for external opposite gender validation is something to watch for, within your b/f. You'll see him encourage it through a flirtatious nature, never quite shutting the attention down, always looking for that ego stroke.

 

Now, having said all that, I'm territorial as hell. Full admission. I'm his and he's mine, once we enter into an exclusive relationship. Woe to the next man that pulls another stunt like my ex! I kid you not.

[Morgenstern]

My girlfriend is the same way and it really is tough. I mean terribly tough. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. My only advice to you is to just make sure that if you start asking questions, which is fine, don't incriminate him or accuse him of doing things. I get this everyday. It hurts. A lot.

[AriaIncognito]

My girlfriend is the same way and it really is tough. I mean terribly tough. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. My only advice to you is to just make sure that if you start asking questions, which is fine, don't incriminate him or accuse him of doing things. I get this everyday. It hurts. A lot.

 

Thank you for your view from the other side of things, I appreciate it.

 

I do try to not make pointed comments. However I also know that this isn't something he's caused directly, and is something he doesn't deserve to have to deal with as he's not given me any reason to not trust him. I know it's a hard road ahead, and I presume he knows too. Hopefully, it will be a not too painful one.

 

I actually ended up writing to the ex that left me this way. Got some interesting closure on that situation without even soliciting it. I had written to him about something else, he had responded, and my response to what he wrote actually naturally led into advice i gave him about how he shouldn't treat his current woman the way he treated me. It was an interesting twist to my week last week to say the least. I never expected for my ex to write to me telling me how wrong he did me and how badly he felt. Felt nice to finally have all that validated for me.